when did i become a doormat.....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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when did i become a doormat.....
This is my second post on this forum, and there was some wonderful advice on a different topic. My AH seems like he has completely detached from me and our marriage. He has just finished a month long drinking binge, and is only sober due to lack of funds.
Last week we got in a big argument and he went to his mother's. The following night he never came home or his mother's. He apparently decided to walk around town until 9:30 AM the following day until he berated me to pick him up. Stupid me did! He constantly will lie, and says he has to run to the car then he will walk off who knows where for hors. When I notice, I call him, only for him to put me to voicemail. When he decides he wants to go home he doesn't want any lip from me, and why do I have to blow-up his phone. What happened to common courtesy even when sober. Where did my backbone go? Why do allow him to do whatever whenever? Starting to wondering if there's OW!? He is so distant! Everyone asks what's your bottom line? I just cave! Any input! I am miserable.
Last week we got in a big argument and he went to his mother's. The following night he never came home or his mother's. He apparently decided to walk around town until 9:30 AM the following day until he berated me to pick him up. Stupid me did! He constantly will lie, and says he has to run to the car then he will walk off who knows where for hors. When I notice, I call him, only for him to put me to voicemail. When he decides he wants to go home he doesn't want any lip from me, and why do I have to blow-up his phone. What happened to common courtesy even when sober. Where did my backbone go? Why do allow him to do whatever whenever? Starting to wondering if there's OW!? He is so distant! Everyone asks what's your bottom line? I just cave! Any input! I am miserable.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Positive change,
I am sorry you are going through this. It stinks, is not fair and not rational. What it is though is alcoholic behavior. I have been in your shoes many, many times. Too many, sadly, to count. AH disappears and you don't know where he is and he will not answer the phone despite the fact that if YOU do not answer when he needs you he goes ballistic.
As hard as it may be if and when this happens again, don't call him. Call someone else. Get online here. Do not call him for your own sake. Say you call him and he does not answer. Then what? You get angry, frustrated and scared. And you keep calling with the same results. Say you call him and he does answer? What do you say? "Come home." Is he likely to come home? Not until he is good and ready.
When I was pregnant with my first child my AH would pull this crap. Not answering the phone. Staying out all night. Me pacing the floor and looking out the window every five minutes to see if he was there until 4, 5, 6 a.m. Made for a lot of sleepless nights. I would call and call and call and either get no answer or "I'll be home soon." And that would not happen.
He still does this. So long as he is driving his own car which is titled in his name so that if he is arrested from drunk driving I am not on the hook, I get on here, read for a bit and then go to bed. Is it easy to do? Unfortunately, no. How can i do it? It has come through practice over too many years and the realization that I have absolutely no control whatsoever over what he does. I have built a shell around me. I have to take care of me so i can take care of our two children and if I need sleep, I need sleep.
Only you can decide what you will and will not accept. Unless he is willing to get sober it is not likely to change despite anything you say or do. For your own sake, just do not pick up the phone. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I would not even suspect another woman without other clues. Alcohol and drugs and now porn are my husbands "other women." And I am powerless over any of them.
I am sorry you are going through this. It stinks, is not fair and not rational. What it is though is alcoholic behavior. I have been in your shoes many, many times. Too many, sadly, to count. AH disappears and you don't know where he is and he will not answer the phone despite the fact that if YOU do not answer when he needs you he goes ballistic.
As hard as it may be if and when this happens again, don't call him. Call someone else. Get online here. Do not call him for your own sake. Say you call him and he does not answer. Then what? You get angry, frustrated and scared. And you keep calling with the same results. Say you call him and he does answer? What do you say? "Come home." Is he likely to come home? Not until he is good and ready.
When I was pregnant with my first child my AH would pull this crap. Not answering the phone. Staying out all night. Me pacing the floor and looking out the window every five minutes to see if he was there until 4, 5, 6 a.m. Made for a lot of sleepless nights. I would call and call and call and either get no answer or "I'll be home soon." And that would not happen.
He still does this. So long as he is driving his own car which is titled in his name so that if he is arrested from drunk driving I am not on the hook, I get on here, read for a bit and then go to bed. Is it easy to do? Unfortunately, no. How can i do it? It has come through practice over too many years and the realization that I have absolutely no control whatsoever over what he does. I have built a shell around me. I have to take care of me so i can take care of our two children and if I need sleep, I need sleep.
Only you can decide what you will and will not accept. Unless he is willing to get sober it is not likely to change despite anything you say or do. For your own sake, just do not pick up the phone. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I would not even suspect another woman without other clues. Alcohol and drugs and now porn are my husbands "other women." And I am powerless over any of them.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 29
I have read and read on this site. It has helped me to realize that I am not the only one out there with this crap. I am so sorry and I know how you feel-totally. I have and say often. I have no control over him. I can only control myself and just manage my kids. I have to say from experience...all night outs are usually up to no good. Are you turning your cheek to that? because, I am too. I live about 2 blocks from a strip club and I know where my $$ are going plus I can see his car. duh LOL It sucks, it is so disrespectful and it is easier said than done to make someone leave or stop. I keep being told boundaries for myself. Very hard when you love someone.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Hammer, thank you. I never thought I would be so grateful to find my breaking point. Atleast I would feel some direction in something.
Ruby2, you sound like such a strong woman. It feels good to have someone relate. Although, it makes me sad that we have to relate this way. I will work on not calling or texting. You are so right, it leaves me feeling crazy when he gets me on this "cat/mouse" game.
Ifeelcrazy, I did turn my cheek to the all night out behavior,because when I tried to express how hurt I was he just said he didn't need any lip. Really!? Wow, how do you handle seeing your AH at the strip club? That would be painful. I agree, nothing good probably happened. He admitted he was walking in a part of town with lots of drugs and strip clubs. The not knowing is killing me.
What are the signs there is OW or he's been to strip clubs?
Now he wants to be intimate every night and I feel like vomitting...
Ruby2, you sound like such a strong woman. It feels good to have someone relate. Although, it makes me sad that we have to relate this way. I will work on not calling or texting. You are so right, it leaves me feeling crazy when he gets me on this "cat/mouse" game.
Ifeelcrazy, I did turn my cheek to the all night out behavior,because when I tried to express how hurt I was he just said he didn't need any lip. Really!? Wow, how do you handle seeing your AH at the strip club? That would be painful. I agree, nothing good probably happened. He admitted he was walking in a part of town with lots of drugs and strip clubs. The not knowing is killing me.
What are the signs there is OW or he's been to strip clubs?
Now he wants to be intimate every night and I feel like vomitting...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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I know the not knowing is killing you. It did that to me. But, I got to the point where I just threw in the towel. Nothing I said or did, nothing I did not say or did not do, made a difference. All it did was make me crazy.
Maybe I am strong. Maybe I am not. All I know is to survive in this crazy hell of a marriage I have had to make a lot of changes within myself. It isn't going to continue. Came to that realization today. You can read more about that in the thread I am going to post on this topic soon.
Just don't call or answer or drive to rescue him when he calls. You will not be thanked. I called an ambulance once when I thought my husband was having a seizure on our kitchen floor. They took him to the hospital and he refused treatment. He called me at 3 a.m. to come get him. I bundled our two year old son in the car and went to get him. When I found him what did he do? Yanked my car door open, literally dragged me out of the car into the street, which was a busy street, got behind the wheel and drove home like a bat out of hell. Nice guy, right?
Just do not call. Throw the phone out the window if you have to but do not call.
Maybe I am strong. Maybe I am not. All I know is to survive in this crazy hell of a marriage I have had to make a lot of changes within myself. It isn't going to continue. Came to that realization today. You can read more about that in the thread I am going to post on this topic soon.
Just don't call or answer or drive to rescue him when he calls. You will not be thanked. I called an ambulance once when I thought my husband was having a seizure on our kitchen floor. They took him to the hospital and he refused treatment. He called me at 3 a.m. to come get him. I bundled our two year old son in the car and went to get him. When I found him what did he do? Yanked my car door open, literally dragged me out of the car into the street, which was a busy street, got behind the wheel and drove home like a bat out of hell. Nice guy, right?
Just do not call. Throw the phone out the window if you have to but do not call.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I have come to realize (I know...duh) that because I did not make my husband have any consequences for his behaviors he was not motivated in any way to change them. I rescued him over and over. I don't think the consequences will be enough, I don't think he realizes I am truly there. Waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak because I have decided I have had enough. He will leave if he chooses to drink again. I have made the decision in my heart and have voiced that to him, my children, my parents and his sister. I have given him every single chance in the world. I don't think he believes it but time will tell. I hate the feeling of knowing something bad will happen in our lives but there it is. It has taken me 15 years to get here, I realize it may take me 15 more to get over all of this.
On a positive note, my little daughter and I had to be gone Friday night, my husband stayed home with my older daughter and spent good quality time with her on Saturday. Maybe we are both better when we are apart. It certainly seemed that way. I knew he would not drink though, that was the key. If I had worried he would I would have been a wreck.
On a positive note, my little daughter and I had to be gone Friday night, my husband stayed home with my older daughter and spent good quality time with her on Saturday. Maybe we are both better when we are apart. It certainly seemed that way. I knew he would not drink though, that was the key. If I had worried he would I would have been a wreck.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I find it very hard to believe that he walked around town ALL night long.
My experience with an active addict, they always have an agenda.
First he runs off to his mother's and then disappears from there? Sounds like he had this all planned out to me.
There is a very selfish plan constantly running through their head, and my gut says he was somewhere, have no idea where, BUT, his words DO NOT match his actions.
Addicts are LIARS, big fat LIARS.
Sad as this situation is, I am glad to hear you are starting to take care of yourself. It's really all you can do at this point. If you keep engaging with the noise coming out of his mouth, you will drive yourself insane.
Stay strong , my friend.
My experience with an active addict, they always have an agenda.
First he runs off to his mother's and then disappears from there? Sounds like he had this all planned out to me.
There is a very selfish plan constantly running through their head, and my gut says he was somewhere, have no idea where, BUT, his words DO NOT match his actions.
Addicts are LIARS, big fat LIARS.
Sad as this situation is, I am glad to hear you are starting to take care of yourself. It's really all you can do at this point. If you keep engaging with the noise coming out of his mouth, you will drive yourself insane.
Stay strong , my friend.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Ruby2, I am almost speechless about your incident with you husband and picking him up. Did he drive off and leave you there or could you make in the passenger side? How frightening. I will keep looking for your post! So true, we are never thanked.
Hopeful4, I know exactly what you mean about waiting for the next shoe to drop. He is sober now and being so nice that its freaking me out. He is talking about vacations we will take in the future, and how he appreciates me. Even cuddling me at night. Huh!? Well see how long it lasts....payday is Wednesday.
Marie1960, you are right. I felt like he had set that up. It was all just too convienent. This is also a man who frequented strip clubs and hire prostitutes in his young, heavy drinking/drug using days. Now I'm worried I am going to catch some disease. I don't like the not knowing. My mind is a disaster. What is reality anymore.....so grateful for all of you!
Hopeful4, I know exactly what you mean about waiting for the next shoe to drop. He is sober now and being so nice that its freaking me out. He is talking about vacations we will take in the future, and how he appreciates me. Even cuddling me at night. Huh!? Well see how long it lasts....payday is Wednesday.
Marie1960, you are right. I felt like he had set that up. It was all just too convienent. This is also a man who frequented strip clubs and hire prostitutes in his young, heavy drinking/drug using days. Now I'm worried I am going to catch some disease. I don't like the not knowing. My mind is a disaster. What is reality anymore.....so grateful for all of you!
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Positivechang, my husband didn't leave me in the street. I did manage to get into the car and get buckled in. It was very scary since he is now driving me and our 2 y.o. son after just having been taken to the hospital by ambulance after passing out/having a seizure in our kitchen. Thankfully we made it home safely.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Marie1960, I love your quote "Addicts are LIARS, big fat LIARS." Made me laugh because the first thing that popped into my head was Liar, liar, pants on fire! And then the second thing that popped into my head was that it is sadly true.
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