nbay2013

Just wondering; How many of you, with ex Alcoholics with your ex in AA, actually had Step 9 amend offered to you?

atalose

Several times!!!

First time, I sat in waiting for it, focused on when, if and how would I respond.

Second time, just didn't buy the bull sh*t any more.

And there will be no 3rd chance..........

Sorry's are meaningless when the same behavior repeats itself over and over.

nbay2013

It seems so unlikely that my ex-AB, even with 14 months in AA could possibly make a non selfish amend to me. He used to think saying "sorry" could make it better. After awhile I just heard quacking. If on the off chance, he contacts me to make amends, I think I will just reply via email, "just stay sober and stay away". Just the idea of step 9 pisses me off.

atalose

I think it's when we have expectations regarding them making amends is when we feel angry, hurt and end up disappointed.

I'm only 5 months out of a 13 year relationship and the last thing I am thinking about is him making any kind of amends. At this point and any point in the future I really don't need that from him I'm closing the book.

If I keep that reservation open then I'm not letting go am I.....

nbay2013

Yes, you are right. The letting go process is slow but steady. I have this fantasy that I appear in front of a judge and jury and his amends are done there. I want compensation for all the therapy I have spent $$ on.

LOL...see, I have work to do yet on recovery.

atalose

lol compensation for all the therapy...good one!! lol

We are all a work in progress! there is no destination for recovery life is a journey. If we keep taking new paths instead of looking back on the old ones we will be ok. Hell I know what those paths are filled with I'm excited about the new ones I've yet to travel. And now that I have a better map to help guide me and trust in my own instincts I'm looking forward to it.

BobbyJ

Amends.....That's a deep topic for me!

Waited for a year and even thought maybe, just maybe..he would even write it down on paper and send it to me or the kids.......

When I finally saw him after a year, in conversation he said to me, "WTH did I ever do to you?"

I knew then...It was time for me to "LET GOD and LET GOD"
Did I think his brain was fried? Did I wonder if he was truly sober? Did it hurt me or make me mad?.......Yes, and Yes.. But it did put peace in my heart knowing that was the best amends that he was capable of giving!

Fast forward, almost 4 years....I still remember that day (WTH? did I ever do to you?)
as he is not sober anymore and has never really been sober in his heart, just white knuckling the few months that he was sober

Funny, how time gives us answers and peace!

trixie56

My XABF did apologize for dumping me because he thought he wanted to "go back to partying, but later realized he didn't want "that life" anymore and he'd "changed." He was sincere but, as his true self (the A) revealed itself within 3 weeks after that, clearly was in denial that he had an addiction. Looking back after he vanished a month later, I can see that he never admitted he had a problem with alcohol. He approached the apology like getting wasted was just something he wasn't 'into' anymore, and now he was different. But at the time, I knew nothing of addiction and trusted him....and wanted our happy ending.

So, I guess this isn't a true amends as someone in AA/recovery would make. But it was more like him wanting the relationship with me, without him realizing alcohol was a serious problem.

Recovering2

When my RABF first came out of treatment, I was still angry about amends. So much pain had been inflicted, I wanted an apology yesterday!!! I vented in an AlAnon meeting one night, wondered aloud if I truly had to wait for a 9th step. There was a young woman who was an AA member, there with her Dad. She shared how her first rehab stint didn't mean that much, it was her 2nd time that helped her realize how she had hurt her family. She basically said, although she knew they wanted apologies, she is glad she waited until her 9th step to make amends. Said if she'd made them before that , it would have been to appease her family. Said she really didn't get what she was apologizing for before that.
I took her words to heart, and let go of my expectation. Stayed focus on my own growth, and not on an amends. 9 months sober, he sits me down one night...and makes a heartfelt sincere amends. Totally unexpected, as I had long ago stopped waiting for it and kept focused on me. I never asked where he was in his recovery, stayed on "my side of the street". He was on his 9th step.

If it's meant to happen it will. The lesson I learned was I can move forward with or without it. When I let go of all my expectations, I was at peace. The amends didn't really change that.

LightInside

Beautiful, Recovering.

Thank you for the insight from the AA member. It seems like the flipside of the impulse I felt as a codie. When my XA broke up with me, I really wasn't very gentle with myself. I wanted to apologize for everything. My sponsor told me that one reason it's good that we wait until step 9 is because sometimes we Al Anons think that we need to apologize for things that really aren't our shortcomings.

Mightyqueen801

My exAH tried to write me some fake lame letter saying he was sorry and how he knew that he had hurt my daughter and I blah blah blah. Someone must have put him up to it or suggested he do this. He would never have picked up a pen and found a piece of paper on his own, and of course I was his meal ticket so he was going to say whatever he needed to do to try to get back into the comfy world he'd been tossed from.

I wrote back to him saying too little too late good luck but it's time to move on, and I understand that when he read my note, he cursed and swore and tore it to pieces and stomped out. Goes to show just how sincere he was.

Oddly, for a long time afterward I did have moments wondering what it would be like if he had an AHA! moment and was actually able to comprehend the damage he had done to other human beings. That was mine to get past, though, just as it was my fantasy alone in the first place. I know now that my ex is incapable of understanding that his actions cause bad things to happen to him or to anyone else. Everything is "bad luck" in his mind.

I also had an alcohol friend who from time to time did fake "amends" moments. It became sort of a joke amongst us. She knew she was "supposed to" do amends, but she would still lie about what she had done.

nbay2013

So much of AA is about the steps, yet I am wondering if very many actually do the work to do an inventory and make amends. It's actually a pretty good idea, if done with insight and sincerity. I am wondering how many out there actually have received a healthy amends.

Seren

I have been on the receiving end of one very sincere Step 9 amends and one very lame e-mail.

The sincere amends made to me was from my sister--she is a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict. She discussed very specifically what she has done and how she knew that it had hurt me. I had forgiven her long before that, but I was happy for the chance to talk to her.

The lame e-mail I received was from my stepson who grudgingly apologized and basically implied that I would be in the wrong for not accepting his apology. Not so nice. What he doesn't realize is that I have long since forgiven him as well.

choublak

I've heard of "living amends", which is like doing good and helping others in the present day. Those seem more meaningful than some fake "these are my amends now" speech or letter.

Hammer

From what I follow, the living amends model is often used for when the one offended is now dead. Since the individual cannot be "repaid" the sort of karma justice is to do nice to others on behalf of the prior wrong.

As far as *us* and here . . . . said it before, but most of us, posting here -- would be So Frigging Happy about an A that was actually working a program and doing/done Step 4 to Step 9 . . . we would not be posting here.

But I do hear that it happens somewhere, sometime.

Dunno. Maybe it is just a legend -- like Leprechaun Gold.

NWGRITS

After a lifetime of dealing with an alcoholic, I learned to lower my expectations of them. I was let down a whole lot less when I had no expectations. Especially where amends are concerned. I honestly am not expecting to receive any type of amends from my AM. That would mean she would have to find sobriety first, and I stopped being delusional about that about ten years ago. If the time ever came, I would listen. But I have no issue with never hearing those words, and I've been at peace with it for a long time.

wiscsober

The amends have never come...don't know if they will. No longer concerns me. In recovery I have to take the lead.

Being a double winner....I was able to make amends to my AxW with the principles of AA and Alanon.

Her destructive alcoholic/addictive behavior was when she was in NA and AA."

In all of my years in recovery...spanning several decades...one person made amends to me.

Working the Alanon program it was far more important for me to make amends to my exes, children, parents, siblings, friends

In both programs I am responsible for my recovery and what I must do...I have no control over other people's actions nor do I any longer expect anything from them...especially apologies and amends.

Live and Let Live is very appropriate for me here

SteppingStone

I actually received an emotional amends from my XABF who is now 7months sober with my help but who also moved out almost 3weeks ago!

They talk a lot about leading a 'spiritual' way of life but surely spirituality doesn't mean to be selfish or walk out on the ONLY person that helped you get where you are today?! Very confusing and contradicting!

wiscsober

In sponsoring men in AA, I caution them with extreme care in making amends to xG. Many men without much recovery time and haven't worked the earlier steps tend to be looking for sex, a relationship of some sort, a return to getting back what they think they lost.

In AA I have made several amends to xG after many years of recovery, and with great counsel of a sponsor, and long-term members. Those amends consisted only of a letter, and a personal check w/interest.

Other amends to xG have been anonymous donations to abuse shelters or to the churches I know they attended.

Don't hold your breath, and besides damage control, I wouldn't expect anything for several years of decent recovery working the 12 steps, a commitment to sobriety, helping other alcoholics/addicts...sometimes amends are continuous.

Thanks for letting me vent...

SteppingStone

The more I think about it, the amends I received was more than likely a lot of BS! His, then sponsor rushed him through the steps within his first 90 days!