Registered

I am trying to get my head around this mess and make some sense of what is happening and what I will do next.

I have asked my AH to leave but he won't at the moment. He says that he is better now than he has been. It's true there is no particular crisis at the moment, but I am at the point where I cannot see us ever developing a loving supportive relationship - I would rather be on my own than keep going like this. He says - you're going to throw away our marriage because I fell asleep on the lounge/ forgot to pick the kids up/ went to the pub??

The last straw for me was when he told me about using pot daily. About 5 years ago he used pot heavily and had a psychotic episode. Now he says he is only using a small amount... And it doesn't affect him... Just makes him feel good for an hour...

I'm just sick of all the ups and downs, losing jobs, drinking and driving, being irresponsible when he should be looking after the kids - passing out and leaving them to their own devices, overspending, letting me down,

I have lost all respect for him now, and for myself for thinking I was doing the right thing by the kids for staying. And now if he won't leave, I can't go because I am paying the mortgage and couldn't afford to also get another family home for me and the kids, but he won't agree to sell and it's in both our names.

Add a very busy stressful time at my work into the mix and my head is spinning.

NWGRITS

Have you gotten a free consultation with an attorney yet? Then at least you would know what your rights are and how this is likely to play out in the legal world. You aren't committed to hiring that attorney, so you could even seek a second opinion if you wanted to. Maybe that would take some of the stress out of the situation?

Recovering2

Don't listen to his nonsense first of all. You're not "throwing away" your marriage...you hung in there while he made no effort. So pay no attention to the crap he will toss your way, it's just what the A does.

If he's refusing to leave, then for now detach detach detach. Don't engage in conversation, don't make plans with him, find other things to do or places to be, go for walks, etc. While you're working on that, talk to a lawyer about your options. Get informed, then make the right decision for you.

Woohoo

I agree he is going to stay in his addiction. Talk to a lawyer..find out your rights and staying for the kids never works. Seek out alanon they will help you deal with this mess and give you some peace. God bless you..just breath and know you didn't cause it..can't cure it ..it is not your fault..but it does affect your life and your children. Detach and do what is best for your future.

He will do his work when he is ready..he may never be ready, but that fight it up to him.

Registered

Thank you for your kind replies, he is going out tonight so after the kids are in bed I am going to try and get myself some sort of plan.

I am so glad I found this place, so so glad.

Lulu39

It doesn't matter what he says it's about what he DOES.

And that's what he DOES.

It sucks doesn't it? Living with the uncertainty and fear about what their next big SURPRISE is going to be. Will they lose this job? Crash my car? Start another cooking fire? Fall asleep with the kids in the bath? Quit another job? That feeling we get is called walking on eggshells. I hated it.

Are you me and married to my XAH?

It took me a L O N G time of being detached from my XAH before I got him to leave. And I didn't detach the alanon way "with love" I did it with bitter venom. It was the only way to get him out and it worked, in the end, for me. I knew I was done.

Of course, he wanted to get out in the end because he had this silly idea that it was a rampant, ribald, orgy infested sex fest out there for "desirable", "handsome" men like him. He's since found out that most single women are not interested in drug f*cked, dodgy alcoholics with rapidly increasing health problems.

The alcoholic women who drink with him in the local hotel are interested in him because they think they are going to get their hands on my house. They also think that he was the "wallet" in our relationship They also have bad skin, hair and not many teeth... It's all so...glamorous He isn't getting much satisfaction from them, they are revolting (according to him) he must not have a mirror at his new place...

I have Pm'd you. We have quite a lot in common.

Seren

Hello Registered,

I think a lawyer consultation is a good idea! I have no idea what the laws might be in your area, but a lawyer can help you sort all of this out.

Lulu39

I think the advice to "lawyer up" can often be cultural and location specific. It doesn't apply to all situations in all countries.

You have a lot to lose financially, being the mortgage payer and breadwinner. I was in the same situation. Things can get hexy $$$ and litigious if you want them to, however, they don't have to be.

Another PM coming your way.

Seren

Certainly I don't recommend spending an arm and a leg on an attorney is one is not needed, Registered. If it were me, I would at least want to know what is possible or not possible, what my rights were in the situation. That would help me make an informed decision--wherever I was living.