sunshine27

RAH and I have been "taking some space," since Friday. We met today and talked. Things did not go how he thought they would.

I would like to say I smiled when I saw him. I miss him. He smiled first actually. I miss him greatly. I miss the old him though. I know he is a good person inside but after reaching out to different sources I decided that I need more time to myself. He was very upset about it. I couldn't tell if he was more upset about being separated from me or being separated from the comfort of his home. He really didn't say much and was confused how to leave where we met to talk.

He did mention that he was getting better and working his steps but I felt that he was quacking (a term I have learned from all of you). I really need to see a change. I don't want to eventually be a target for him although he says he would never hit me.

I know advice giving is a bit discouraged on this site but I sent a message to him about maybe having dinner in a few weeks. How do I know there has been a true change? Is this a bad idea? Anyone have an experience like this?

NWGRITS

As we say here, "More will be revealed." If he's truly intent on getting sober and walking the talk, you will know. He will exude the air of working recovery. One thing I've learned in my recovery walk is to trust my gut. Something doesn't feel right? Then it probably isn't. That you even had to mention becoming "a target" raised some flags, but I don't know the particulars of your situation. I wouldn't set any firm deadlines at this point. I think meeting for dinner in a neutral location in a few weeks is a good idea. It gives you both more time, and if he's serious about this sobriety and recovery thing, then he should have made immense progress in working toward that goal in that amount of time (finding a rehab, contacing AA or finding a meeting, setting a goal for himself, etc.). Just go one day at a time and see where he stands in a few weeks. For his sake and yours, I hope he eagerly hops on the wagon and you have a pleasant surprise waiting for you.

NYCDoglvr

I might say "let's talk in a year". I'm a recovering alcoholic (22 years) and codependent. I know that most people don't stay sober and having expectations are a way to break your own heart. In the Big Book, Bill Wilson says that "drinking is but a symptom" of a much bigger problem...it's the "ism" that is the huge problem, we have the 12 Steps and therapy as a way of dealing with alcoholic thinking. It's a good idea to ask yourself whether you trust and respect him. Without those two things I don't know what kind of a relationship is possible.

Both alcoholism and codependency are addictions, the reason the Big Book work for both. Both suffer from denial and rationalization; I've learned to ask myself if I'm seeing reality or with addictive thinking.

In terms of codependency I think you're fooling yourself that there will be some change. We come into AA with the maturity level of a teenager. If we work hard we grow up, become responsible for our words and actions.

MissFixit

hi
a couple weeks is pretty fast for anything more than a superficial change (appearance).

NWGRITS

I should have expounded in my original post to say that if he does in fact start AA or start taking steps toward recovery, that absolutely does not mean you should go running back to him. Exactly the opposite. Stay at a distance and watch to see if he continues to make good on it. Don't nag him, don't ask, don't to anything about HIS recovery. Get to Al-Anon or therapy (or both!) and start working your OWN recovery. If the future holds cards for you to continue your relationship, then that's where you go. But the odds are stacking mountain high against him getting and staying sober, so don't hang all your hopes on him. Hang them on yourself getting better instead.

meggem

I'm in no place to give advice - I'm greener than green right now but I liked reading your post. You sound like you are really thinking it through, being careful, but smiling - you know you miss him, but you are being cautious. And smart. It sounds like even though he feels differently, he is (from what it sounds like) respecting your boundaries. I think a few weeks is probably (again, I don't know) a drop in the bucket for someone in early recovery, but I also think a few weeks can nudge him in a good direction if he works hard. You sound like you feel strong and aware and open. And I think that's good.

OnlyOneProblem

Hi Sunshine,

I agree with Nwgrits, More will be revealed.

My RAH is 48 days sober. He attends 2 meetings a day. We still live in the same home, however we each go about our own business. We have been estranged since mid July. I am sure that he hoped we would be "back on track" within the first week of him quitting drinking. So much of our foundation had been chipped away. I didn't know what I wanted, except that I knew that I didn't want this crazy life of living with an alcoholic. He was going to his meetings but nothing else had changed. Every other day he would try to stir the pot and sometimes I would be a partner in this with him. Mostly, I would just go about my business and when necessary I would try to put out whatever fires he was starting. I had decided that regardless of the outcome (divorce?) I didn't want to be ugly and nasty.

It has only been this week that I have "felt" a change in him. I am hopeful but its very early in his recovery and I'm not ready to jump back in. He needs to work his program and I need to work mine. Before today, we have only been discussing divorce, so we have a long road back and I'm not taking any short cuts! I have encouraged him to keep the focus on himself and perhaps after the holidays we can reevaluate our situation.

I'm staying strong in my boundaries. My life depends on it. Trust your self and you will know if he is quacking or not. When I stopped looking to see if he had changed is when I saw something in him that I hadn't seen when I was looking.

lizw

I'd suggest that if you are taking him back on the idea that 'it will be different this time' you are doomed for failure because not only does the problem lie with him but also in yourself as you from what you've said, you're now placing the success of the relationship on his recovery.

I'm not saying this to be critical of you but I base my comment on my own experience of having relationships with recovering alcoholics. Things were great when he was going to meetings, seeing his sponsor and working the steps but my friend, things were really dreadful when he wasn't.

They did improve some what after I started going to al anon (which I love) but al anon never changed the fact he (a lot of the time) he was an angry, obsessive, resentful person just taught me how to live with it and detach.

As others have said, alcoholism isn't just about alcohol. It's recognised as a mental illness. The problem centres in the mind.

Earlier this year I had the opportunity to get involved with another recovering alcoholic who told me, his last relationship ended because in times of stress, he punched himself in the head, in front of his previous partner too many times. And this guy had been sober 10 years. He is a lovely man but do I really want a partner who reverts to this behaviour in times of stress? Um no, not these days.

Normies (normal people) have issues they live and deal with but with alcoholics issues (not just drinking) in my experience tend to be extreme and in the nature of obsessions (small problems become HUGE) as that is the nature of alcoholism.

RhodeIsland

I notice you used "I felt he was quacking" - not "might have been" that you really, honestly deep down don't believe him. As much as you want to, you don't. And nothing would be better than if he was sincere in working his steps, working towards sobriety and being the man you want him to be. Sometimes we sense things based on small details we aren't consciously aware of. If you sensed quacking, there may very well have been a duck in the room.

Regarding seeing a change with violent outbursts, unfortunately; to see a chance they have not occur. It's the absence of unacceptable behavior. The changes happen until they don't.

Regarding dinner, it's only a decision you can make. I don't know what the right answer is - I don't know him and I don't know you. I just know his past behavior has been completely unacceptable; and I don't want you blaming yourself for it.

CarryOn

Hi Sunshine,

You should only do what you feel fully comfortable with, so if that means meeting for dinner in a few weeks, do that. Don't let him push you beyond your comfort zone or cross your boundaries.

I kicked RAH out in March, he quit drinking in May. Through July, I would only meet him for a walk in one of the local parks. I had made an exception to meet him for dinner before he stopped drinking and it was awful. Since August, we have gradually spent more time together - walking, biking, sharing a meal, helping me with a project at home, etc. He thinks he should move home but I'm not ready for that.

We are both in counseling and he is in AA. I want us to go through some marriage counseling before he can return home because there are some things we need to work out before he can come home.

Sounds like you are doing great. There's no need to rush into anything. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself all the time you need.

sunshine27

Thank you for all the wonderful insight. I don't want to rush anything I just don't want to break all ties with him either. He's been in recovery for two months and is going to two meetings a day. He has a sponsor and yesterday I suggested a therapist. I myself have a therapist, a life coach, and I am going to start attending Al-Anon.

He messed up last night though. He stopped by the house unannounced to get a towel. Apparently the hotel doesn't have big enough towels for him. I'm pretty sure he didn't stop by for a towel. He was either seeing what I was doing or trying to make me feel sorry for him. He likes to make me feel sorry for him.

Seren

Hello sunshine!

I must say that I agree with advice you are getting about going at a pace you are comfortable with. If he really cares about how you are doing, he will give you the space and time you need. When you are comfortable with more contact, then you can allow more.