RocketQueen

Ok, this is going to sound like a ramble and all over the place but please bear with me....
So, I'm at the point where I have to do something for my own sanity and health.

Background: My ex, the father of my 3 year old daughter, is an alcoholic. Openly admits that he has been a daily drinker since he was 15. I would say it seems like something he's proud of, and has never tried to hide it. Never leaves the house without a few cans in a bag, even to walk to the corner shop.
He's now 41. We have battled for over 3 years about the extent of his addiction and he's done nothing but brush it off. He doesn't want to quit, and has told me things like "no one else can help me. Only I can help me" and "I'm always going to drink, no matter what". He admits he has a problem, but has it firmly planted in his head that that is his calling in life. It's all he knows, and is all he will ever be. He definitely has some deep seeded issues, but refuses to see anyone.

Anyway, I'm a firm believer that my daughter should have a relationship with her father. He is, after all, her blood and the only father she will ever have. However, I simply cannot get past the fact that he is emotionally scarring her. If not right now, then very soon. I have a LOT of guilt over that. Especially on top of my own addiction issues (although I'm almost a year sober - I actually Wanted to get sober, and did it all by myself, and after going through hell with the exes addiction, i never want to go there again)

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can barely function through the anxiety that has presented itself. I'm not sure how al anon can help me, but if nothing else, just getting rid of some thoughts and feelings by talking May make a difference. The problem is, I'm scared to go to a meeting. I don't know what to expect, or how to approach it. I'm scared of having a panic attack there. Scared of crying. Scared of judgement.

I really need some reassurance right now. There is a meeting about 15 mins away from me tomorrow night at 8pm. Something is drawing me towards it, but I'm so freaking scared! I just want to vomit right now.



RQ

RollTide

Nice to meet you Rocket Queen.

I was pretty much where you are. After lurking for ages on here I finally had the nerve to join. I kept hearing about AlAnon on here and it was also highly suggested when I went to the family portion of my then husband's rehab.

I finally worked up the nerve to go and I have never been sorry. It really touched home to hear people talk honestly about their experiences. I guess you could say it was therapeutic for me. Everyone had the opportunity to talk but you could simply say, "I pass." I think that is pretty much common. I can say that I always feel better after I leave than when I got there.

It helped me. And I needed help!

RocketQueen

Thank you for your experience rolltide. I too need help. I've come to the conclusion that nothing I say or do will ever get him to change. I can only help myself and I have to do what it takes for my daughters sake. She needs me. I'm all she has.

Hammer

So.

It sounds like you know:

1. What -- Alanon. Good.
2. Where -- The location. Only 15 minutes away
3. When -- tomorrow night. 8:00. Great.

all we are lacking is . . .

4. Who -- it is . . . . . YOU!

So here you are on the diving board over the pool, and afraid to jump in.

Down the sides are your daughter, and all of us, ready to cheer you on.

Come on in, the water is fine.

Jump, RQ, Jump!

--------------

As far as crying, panic, and all the rest.

You may. Go anyway.

First month of meetings I could barely speak. Had "peanut butter mouth." Like a dog with a mouthful of peanut butter. Went anyway.

No more got past that and started to speak. I started the crying crap. Yeah I hate that, too. Went anyway.

Sometimes panic feelings, sometimes ashamed to be there. Went anyway.

We have ALL been there and done ALL that. We went anyway.

Same for you. Go anyway.

nfijules

Go for it! If I let fear control my life, I would of went nowhere. Go get healthy and meet some new awesome people. I was scared crapless but when I walked into the rooms, my life changed for the better. You are also helping others by walking in that door....think of it as..."its not about me"....I am helping others too.

Katchie

Rocket, I went to my first meeting last week, and like you, I was scared. Your first meeting and maybe your second will be the hardest ones to attend but you'll never regret it. And about crying... Yes mam, you will cry but so has every person at alanon at one point. A good cry with people who have been in your shoes may be just what you need to start taming all the anxiety, I know it has been for me. Had my 4th visit yesterday and I'm still crying. If it wasn't for going to the meetings I may still be bottling up all these tears; I'm about to cry now just typing it!!' Let just say bottling it up has literally given me a crick in my neck. GO to the meeting as your intuition is telling you to do. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

meggem

GO!!! YOU CAN DO IT. I tried to go to my first alanon meeting last night but I picked a place that I guess wasn't updated on the site. It was just me, the parking lot of a church and a few street lights. Just walk in and sit. Say you aren't comfortable saying anything, you just want to listen. When I had to go the "Family Education" program 2 weeks ago (my AH went to rehab 10/7) I wanted to vomit. I dreaded it the whole way down (90 minute drive) It was the familes of the patients in rehab - she asked us to go around the room say who we were, who are loved one was, their drug of choice and what we hoped to get out of today. I thought I would vomit. People were sharing left and right - I said the bare minimum and said I would prefer to just listen. By the end of the program, I was talking and sharing and I even giggled a few times. Good luck!

isitme

I was scared too. Just didn't really know what to expect and I guess they are all different. Somehow I envisioned this room with rows of chairs and very orderly/matter of fact. I couldn't have been more wrong. We meet in a room full of couches. Some of us even take our shoes off. We don't even go around in an orderly fashion. Whoever wants to speak just says "I'm isitme" Everyone says Hi Isitme.. and then you can say whatever your heart desires. When you're finished everyone says Thanks Isitme.. and then whoever else wants to go can. So if you don't want to speak you don't even have to say pass. It feels very comforting to me to hear people who are and used to be in my shoes. Some of them have been in the program for a very long time and have lots of wisdom. Which also led me to believe if people continue coming here for 20 and 30 years, it must be doing something great for them otherwise they would have gave it up a long time ago. So I decided to give it at least a year.

You've already battled an addiction, this is a walk in the park. (Walking into the meeting anyway.)

Recovering2

Walking into that very first meeting is really hard, it takes courage to put the fear aside and do it. But that room is full of people who have all had to walk in for the first time. We've all been driven to AlAnon by worry/despair/fear. It is normal to see people let emotions out in a meeting, everyone in that room "gets it". You truly have nothing to fear! You can choose to just sit and listen, or you can share. It's up to you.

You're already dealing with the chaos. What have you got to lose, but maybe one hour of your time? And its free!

Seren

I thought you might enjoy reading this....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

There are a lot of great threads about what to expect when you go to an Al-Anon meeting compiled in this thread. Enjoy!

honeypig

There is also this link to the Alanon site http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-can-i-expect

Look along the left hand side for various topics about meetings, what it is like, FAQs, etc.

Seriously, it's worth a look. At most, it will cost you an hour of your time. And like they say, if you don't like what you find, then you can get your misery refunded at the door on the way out, no problem...

NWGRITS

We have no less than two boxes of tissues at every meeting for a reason. You certainly won't have been the first person to ever lose it at their first (or second, or third, or tenth) meeting. I thought I would sit quietly and just listen at my first meeting. But then I opened my mouth and the worst case of verbal diarrhea known to man came gushing out, along with the tears. So, you just never know until you get there.

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and an incredibly codependent/enabling family. I can say with sincerest certainty and compassion that having no father around is far better for a young child than having an active alcoholic father around. The damage to children is beyond what anyone can possibly imagine when they're in the thick of the addiction cycle with the A parent. I'm not saying that you should shove him out of your lives forever (unless there is a fear of safety), but don't get stuck into that "the children NEED to spend lots of time with their father or they will be scarred for life!" line of thinking. It is far preferable to have any positive male role model taking an active everyday role in the child's life than it is to have them exposed regularly to active addiction and all that entails. It could be an uncle, a friend of the family, a teacher, counselor, ANYONE who is stable and capable of providing for the child's needs where a male in their life is concerned.

RocketQueen

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I know that I have nothing to fear, and that all my thoughts and worries are completely irrational, but for whatever reason I can't stop them. I didn't sleep until 6am this morning, so I'm feeling even worse.

Yes, I have the time, I have the place, I have myself, now all I need is a babysitter :/

Ngrits, thank you for your insight and I appreciate your honesty and openness. Your situation is part of what I fear with my ex continuing down the path he is on. My daughter doesn't see him every day, just two days every fortnight. I'm really ashamed to admit that I only suggested that arrangement to "keep the peace" between myself and him. He was very emotionally abusive, threatening and intimidating (to me only) while we were together, and continued to be so after we left. I managed to get him to stay under the radar for the last 12 months or so, and in that period of time the threats and abuse subsided. I'm really scared of ruffling his feathers again. I'm hoping that al anon with help me build up strength and confidence against him to demand supervised visits at a contact centre (meaning, if he shows up with alcohol in his system, he won't be able to see her). Not only for her safety, but perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs to get his act together and finally admit he needs help. I know, at the moment I am enabling him. That needs to stop, and I need tools to be able to do that, because I'm increadibly weak right now.

Again, thank you

NWGRITS

Al-Anon will give you those tools you so desperately seek. There's nothing that hasn't been seen behind the walls of Al-Anon. Don't beat yourself up over. You are setting positive examples by taking action. Those are priceless lessons for your children.

JustAGirl1971

I can't reassure you because I haven't taken the plunge yet, myself. I just wanted to tell you that this is exactly how I feel. I could have written the same thing word for word. I'm trying to psych myself up to go tomorrow at 7. How about we make a pact and both try a meeting? Moral support from too equally scared/anxious parents?

Recovering2

Many AlAnon meetings have baby sitting available during the meeting. Check the meeting list on line near you, it usually says if there is babysitting.

Yurt

I went to my first meeting yesterday, and I assure you, it was not frightening at all, onceI got in the door. Yes, it did feel like I was being peered at, but not unkindly. After the meeting, things were even more relaxed, and I felt welcomed. Next meeting I even plan on telling my husband about.