How can he have nothing to say?!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Minnesota
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How can he have nothing to say?!
I wrote on this forum for the first time a few days back. Dh is off the wagon after 5 years, and when he drinks, he drinks until he can't stand up. After our last episode a few weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum, I so honestly and heartfelt told him I loved him but that I would not go through this with him again. 5 years ago we were young and free and I gave him everything I had to help him find sobriety. Today, we have an almost 2 year old and a baby on the way. My kids will not go through this, I WILL protect them from how horrible he is when drinking. So, after this ultimatum, I believed him and I've been inching along here, trusting an hour at a time. He went away for business this weekend and at least 2 of the 5 nights he was gone he called me wasted. After the second night I no longer picked up the phone. He came home Monday night very sheepishly, and has been very focused on our daughter. I have managed to avoid him as much as I can, I'm waiting for that moment, when he acknowledges where we are again, or admits what happened, or what about an apology?! He has said nothing. He bought me flowers yesterday and made an amazing dinner, whatever, this is so much more than flowers, why hasn't he said anything to me of substance! I'm honestly at a loss, I have no idea what to do. I am not going to yell at him, I am not going to demand he tells me he is so sorry, I won't preempt that conversation. Where is his plan, his new action steps, his revelation from not talking to me for 3 days?! Since I met him 8 years ago we have never spent a day in silence. He just came up to bed and I came downstairs. I can't even lay next to him....
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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He knows there's nothing he really can say. He knows how you feel about his drinking, but he still drinks.
An ultimatum is only as good as the resolve behind it. If you meant what you said, then you should act on it. Otherwise, it's just wasted breath, and he'll know you won't actually follow through.
Have you worked out a plan of what to do and where to go, if, as has happened, he ignored your ultimatum?
An ultimatum is only as good as the resolve behind it. If you meant what you said, then you should act on it. Otherwise, it's just wasted breath, and he'll know you won't actually follow through.
Have you worked out a plan of what to do and where to go, if, as has happened, he ignored your ultimatum?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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Holding, I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer; I'm fairly new at this. I just want you to know I'm praying for you and your family in all sincerity. I've been working on my own anger here the last couple of days--I hope you get to an alanon meeting soon. I know it will help you and your anger, which is justifiable. You're not screaming outwardly, but like me, inwardly you are and it hurts like heck. Alanon and SR--hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi Holding On, can you be clear about what your ultimatum was? You said you will protect your children, but what specific action did you have in mind and how did you expect him to behave? The thing about ultimatums are they have to be specific - if you drink again I will ask you to move out, for example. And then you have to follow through on them.
It sounds like your husband is just holding on while he's at home, but as soon as he leaves he rushes back to the bottle. So you have one fact in front of you - he is not in recovery.
He is ignoring what happened, but your behaviour is passive-agressive. He's getting the message, but what message?
What are your boundaries? If he were to enter rehab now would that be enough for you, or do you want separation?
Sorry if I sound too clinical; I feel for you and I hope you can work this out.
It sounds like your husband is just holding on while he's at home, but as soon as he leaves he rushes back to the bottle. So you have one fact in front of you - he is not in recovery.
He is ignoring what happened, but your behaviour is passive-agressive. He's getting the message, but what message?
What are your boundaries? If he were to enter rehab now would that be enough for you, or do you want separation?
Sorry if I sound too clinical; I feel for you and I hope you can work this out.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by H0lding0n 
He bought me flowers yesterday and made an amazing dinner, whatever, this is so much more than flowers, why hasn't he said anything to me of substance! I'm honestly at a loss, I have no idea what to do. I am not going to yell at him, I am not going to demand he tells me he is so sorry, I won't preempt that conversation. Where is his plan, his new action steps, his revelation from not talking to me for 3 days?! Since I met him 8 years ago we have never spent a day in silence. He just came up to bed and I came downstairs. I can't even lay next to him....
He's chosen to relapse, and he's chosen not to discuss his decision to drink with you. Before he took that first sip, he wasn't powerless to call you. He chose to drink, knowing full well the consequences of his drinking - he chose addiction - CHOSE to invite addiction when he relapsed after 5 years - in spite of having a daughter he should be a sober, responsible, loving parent for.
Even if he sobers up, please think: Do I want to go through this again?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Holding . . . . step back a little.
Look at the top posting on this thread -- Yours.
All about . . . . him.
Serious. If you do not believe me, count how many times that "he" and "him" is in there.
Not saying that is a bad place to start. Dunno if there even is a bad place to start. But "him" is not about YOU. This is about YOU getting better.
YOU getting better, and YOU getting YOUR household better, and YOU making a good life for the kids . . . is ALL about YOU.
Being in the problem with "him" is no place for YOU to work on YOU.
Look at the top posting on this thread -- Yours.
All about . . . . him.
Serious. If you do not believe me, count how many times that "he" and "him" is in there.
Not saying that is a bad place to start. Dunno if there even is a bad place to start. But "him" is not about YOU. This is about YOU getting better.
YOU getting better, and YOU getting YOUR household better, and YOU making a good life for the kids . . . is ALL about YOU.
Being in the problem with "him" is no place for YOU to work on YOU.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I'm not exactly sure how to relate this cohesively.. but reading this reminded me of a post someone sent to me when I was pregnant with my last child (who is now 5 and yes I'm still dealing with the same old Sh*t)
Of course some of those words were directly about my situation, but the first line is the kicker. I certainly don't know if these types of thoughts have anything to do with his current behavior, but I wouldn't doubt it. When I was in your situation.. Back in September of 2008.. I almost left. I put the house up for rent and was on my way out the door. He bought me a ring and smoothed everything over. (I didn't accept the ring btw..LOL) But...
I stayed. And although we've had some good times, overall things haven't changed much and I feel even more stuck now than I did then. So what ever your resolve may be, and only you can know that, I'd be willing to place a bet on the fact that unless there is some program work involved, down the road won't look much different than right now.
Of course I could be wrong, but all the people that told me that 5 years ago were absolutely correct. Sad to say..
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk
If I were about to become the father (again) to a new baby and I was still actively using, I would be scared $4itless. I sure wouldn't want to be a new dad again in that scenario.
So with me, it would probably turn into your fault, and I didn't want the baby, you did. And this is all because of you. Blah blah... Everything would be fine if there weren't a baby coming. Blah blah... It's you, it's not me.
But taking alcohol out of the picture? No, that won't fix anything. It's about you and the baby, not me and the booze.
If that's what you're hearing, and it were coming from me, that's not the truth. It's the disease talking. Or, I should say, that's the booze talking.
So with me, it would probably turn into your fault, and I didn't want the baby, you did. And this is all because of you. Blah blah... Everything would be fine if there weren't a baby coming. Blah blah... It's you, it's not me.
But taking alcohol out of the picture? No, that won't fix anything. It's about you and the baby, not me and the booze.
If that's what you're hearing, and it were coming from me, that's not the truth. It's the disease talking. Or, I should say, that's the booze talking.
I stayed. And although we've had some good times, overall things haven't changed much and I feel even more stuck now than I did then. So what ever your resolve may be, and only you can know that, I'd be willing to place a bet on the fact that unless there is some program work involved, down the road won't look much different than right now.
Of course I could be wrong, but all the people that told me that 5 years ago were absolutely correct. Sad to say..
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The flowers did nothing to remedy the situation.
Doubtful an "I'm sorry" is going to fix this. An I'm sorry means diddly squat without the actions to back it up.
You have much bigger fish to fry today, your 2 year old, and unborn child need a strong healthy mama, I can only suggest you start addressing your current needs, and leave him to his own devices.
I am sorry that your life has come to this point, but making healthy choices today, can save you additional grief in the near future.
Doubtful an "I'm sorry" is going to fix this. An I'm sorry means diddly squat without the actions to back it up.
You have much bigger fish to fry today, your 2 year old, and unborn child need a strong healthy mama, I can only suggest you start addressing your current needs, and leave him to his own devices.
I am sorry that your life has come to this point, but making healthy choices today, can save you additional grief in the near future.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Why give him an ultimatum when you didn't mean it? For alcoholics booze is God, their Higher Power, the great love of their life, the most important thing in the world. The most important thing is what are you going to do? There is nothing you can do or say that will stop his drinking. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 47
I am so sorry for your situation. I do however, agree with Marie about making healthy choices. I regret I didnt act sooner with my AW. I let my 3 daughters witness many drunken, aggressive, ugly nights and days. I moved out a few months ago when I said I was fed up and agreed that the girls could stay with her if she doesnt drink. 3 weeks ago, I took the girls, filed for a divorce and a restraining order after she physically fought with my 14yr old and kept bugging my 10 and 8 yr old giving them guilty trips. Enough is Enough.
I wish you good luck with your choices and remember to be a healthy mama.
I wish you good luck with your choices and remember to be a healthy mama.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
What COULD he say to make this better? He isn't ready to say what you want to hear....no, what you NEED to hear.
The flowers mean "please don't be mad."
If he said "I'm sorry" he would mean - I'm sorry you are mad and I'm in the doghouse.
If he said "it won't happen again, I'm done." It would be an unintentional lie. He might actually think he's done for the moment, but he's not. That would lead to lying and hiding his drinking, which would lead to you discovering it, which would lead to animosity, resentment, and a lack of trust and respect.
If he said "I'll start going to meetings" - he might go to 1 or 2, and then pretend to go, and then just blatantly stop, and you'll be back to animosity, distrust, and resentment - and so will he.
If he actually nutted up and told you the truth, he would say: "I don't want to quit drinking because I don't think it is that big of a problem, and I want to drink."
I am so sorry, we have ALL been there - through every motion you describe. We truly can only take care of ourselves and control our own lives - we cannot make them the person we think they should be. It's so painful to see them destroy all of the wonderful things around them, but they just do not see it that way - and they never will until something FAR bigger than all of us smacks them in the face. (((HUGS)))
The flowers mean "please don't be mad."
If he said "I'm sorry" he would mean - I'm sorry you are mad and I'm in the doghouse.
If he said "it won't happen again, I'm done." It would be an unintentional lie. He might actually think he's done for the moment, but he's not. That would lead to lying and hiding his drinking, which would lead to you discovering it, which would lead to animosity, resentment, and a lack of trust and respect.
If he said "I'll start going to meetings" - he might go to 1 or 2, and then pretend to go, and then just blatantly stop, and you'll be back to animosity, distrust, and resentment - and so will he.
If he actually nutted up and told you the truth, he would say: "I don't want to quit drinking because I don't think it is that big of a problem, and I want to drink."
I am so sorry, we have ALL been there - through every motion you describe. We truly can only take care of ourselves and control our own lives - we cannot make them the person we think they should be. It's so painful to see them destroy all of the wonderful things around them, but they just do not see it that way - and they never will until something FAR bigger than all of us smacks them in the face. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Holding On--
Maybe he is not saying anything because with his prior years of sobriety, he knows better than anybody that it is actions, not words, that speak the loudest.
He knows he has to get sober again. Maybe he knows what "quacking" is. Maybe he knows that until he is ready to put a plan in action, that he might as well not say anything. He is probably ashamed, and knows there is no point in addressing the madness to you until he is ready to make it end again.
I would seek out comfort here and other places you can find it.
It won't be him until he is ready to get sober again. He's hiding in his shame. It's probably not that he doesn't want to talk to you, but he's afraid to. Especially if he isn't ready to stop drinking.
He was trying to tell you with actions that he knows he messed up. Flowers and dinner.
I hope you can find support until he is ready.
Maybe he is not saying anything because with his prior years of sobriety, he knows better than anybody that it is actions, not words, that speak the loudest.
He knows he has to get sober again. Maybe he knows what "quacking" is. Maybe he knows that until he is ready to put a plan in action, that he might as well not say anything. He is probably ashamed, and knows there is no point in addressing the madness to you until he is ready to make it end again.
I would seek out comfort here and other places you can find it.
It won't be him until he is ready to get sober again. He's hiding in his shame. It's probably not that he doesn't want to talk to you, but he's afraid to. Especially if he isn't ready to stop drinking.
He was trying to tell you with actions that he knows he messed up. Flowers and dinner.
I hope you can find support until he is ready.
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