hopeful4

I have not been on here in three years. At the time I was so self ritious and sure that if he drank again I would leave. I'm so sorry because here I am three years later, still plugging away.

My husband is not a severe drinker, but he is an alcoholic. He has his moments when it is worse than others. Two weeks ago he took some of the pain pills I had from a surgery, I only took one and had no need for anymore. He got into my bag and had been taking them. I could not believe it, I don't know why. He said he does not see what the problem is, if he does not drink they would help him relax. Hello??!!

We have had a big intervention, he swears he will do better...blah blah blah. We will see. We do go to marital counseling on Monday. The thing is this, I would love to leave. However, I have two sweet girls, ages 14 and 7. He is a decent father to them. I am scared to death he would get partial custody of them (the judges here love the 50/50 deal). I have no trust for what sort of life they would have without me there. How do I know they would be safe, how do I know he would not expose them to some loser girlfriend who is a terrible influence to them or is mean to them? I refuse to just dump these problems on them and strand them.

He is on probation for property damage to a house from three years ago while extremely intoxicated. He also went to rehab at that same time...haha...what a joke. More like a mini vacation if you ask me. Anyways...thought on this? Does anyone else suffer through these same issues? I would love to hear your take on it if so. I am filled with anxiety over this as I truly have made a decision that when the shoe drops again, and I am sure it will, that I want him to leave.

I have started keeping a journal and copies of any texts, etc for future use in case I need to establish any of this.

Thoughts....you don't have to be gentle...just give me your input.

Thank You!

isitme

I don't know.. the answer. I have the same fear.

I can see myself outside this relationship. I can see me and my kids living peacefully. I still know my likes, my wants, my desires. I dream about actually doing them.

What I can't see is the way out. The heartbreaking conversation with him and with the kids that lays it on the line. I can't do this anymore. I love you, but I can't do it. It's broken and I can't fix it. I can't leave now, and I won't leave behind his back because we (the kids and I) are not in danger and I don't feel that's right. So... what? I don't know.. I just keep going one day at a time. Everyone tells me I'll know.. I'll know when I'm really ready.

lillamy

Here's what my therapist said:

You have ZERO control over what HE does when (if) the children are with him.
What you DO have when you are living separately from the alcoholic is ONE HOME without dysfunction. Even if the kids are with him 50%, they can come home to you and rest. They have an opportunity to learn the difference between dysfunctional and functioning. They have at least 50% of the time when they don't have to deal with an actively drinking alcoholic. And 50% with a drunk dad is better than 100% with a drunk dad.

And with a 14-year-old in the mix, you have a kid there who is able to take on the responsibility of calling you if he gets out of hand or if they feel unsafe.

I know every situation is different, and I would never dream of telling anyone else what to do. But I know that the ONLY thing I regret is not leaving earlier, for the kids' sake. If I had had ANY idea how damaging living with him was to them, how it would affect their emotional health, social relationships, academic performance, YEARS after we moved out -- I would have left earlier.

Katchie

Have you ever sought the advise if a lawyer in regards to custody when a spouse has an addiction?

ForeverOptimist

I am with you, hopeful4. I could have written your very words about the children. I'm also scared to end things for the chance that he could get 50/50 custody (they love it in my state, too). I even spoke to a lawyer and she said it could be difficult because he presents himself as the perfect Dad - coaching soccer, going to kids events, etc. I would have an uphill battle to prove that he can't be responsible for overnight visits because the only time AH drinks to excess is at home after the kids are in bed. I know what lillamy is saying - that at least they would have a place that wasn't dysfunctional for part of the time but when you are in the middle of it, it feels like I'm the buffer between the kids and him. That I can still protect them somewhat if I'm around. If we aren't together... that's where the fear kicks in.

So I know this probably isn't helpful in your struggle to figure things out, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there that struggle with the same things. My thoughts are with you...

BtheChange

This forum is just about the only place I've found to discuss the logistics of divorcing an alcoholic when you have children. There just isn't a lot of info out there--at least none that I've found. If anyone has any recommendations on that I'd love to know. So, I will share my experience, because I remember how much I really needed that input when I finally decided to divorce. As always take what you need and leave the rest...

Having the children visit their alcoholic father was a concern for me when I filed for divorce, but there are things you can do to protect the kids. Our divorce isn't final yet, but we have been living apart for almost a year. The kids and I left after he start punching the wall and was drinking again after a seizure and multiple rehabs. I had asked him to leave but he refused and I just didn't feel safe in our home any longer. He can be a very attentive and seemingly loving dad when he is sober. But he was a late-stage alcoholic at that point and quite self-destructive.

Anyway, following the separation, he didn't want to commit to seeing the kids on his own, at his house, during the week. This is pretty typical for A's and you might find that your husband just isn't interested in the responsibility of caring for his daughters. Lots of harsh truths come out in a divorce, for better or worse. For the first few months he would actually come to the house after work (I was living with my parents not far away) at night to say goodnight to the kids (awkward, yes, but it was a transition period for all of us).

Then he started having them one overnight a weekend, every other weekend. He didn't look like he was doing well, i.e., probably drinking, but I had no proof.

About two months after the overnight visits started, he had a major relapse that included paranoid and dark emails to my entire family. Because of the emails, I called the police to check on his safety in his office/art studio. He was documented by the police as being very intoxicated.

I then got a temporary protection order from the court saying that visitation was at my discretion. (At first the judge denied it, but I met with him and explained the situation and he changed his mind! Yay for me!!). At that point my AH was only allowed supervised visits through an agency that has volunteers meet the families at a neutral location (in our case a new hospital in town). It was strange but I knew that the kids would be safe. They took it in stride, enjoyed seeing their dad, and it was an enormous relief for me. I had a wonderful summer with the kids, it was such a relief knowing that they were absolutely safe when they were with him.

We did that for about 5 months, and in August he started pushing to have unsupervised visits on the weekends. I hired a guardian ad litem to help with this issue and she has been pretty useless. But I think that is just her, not the case with all GALs.

At this point I have no idea if he is drinking or white-knuckling it (he definitely isn't in a genuine recovery) because he lied about it for years and I assume that he will continue to do so. HOWEVER, before unsupervised visits commenced, I did get him to use Soberlink, a breathalyzer that takes a picture of the user while blowing into it and uploads it to a website so that results can be monitored. It is expensive and none of the lawyers were knowledgeable about breathalyzers in general, but I did my research and was adamant that he use it. My children are too young (3, 5, 9) to know if they are witnessing him drinking or not. I pay for it, even though I am on a pretty tight budget. The peace of mind is worth it to me.

Now the kids are with him overnight on every other weekend. He has a strict schedule to use the breathalyzer every 6 hours. If he tests positive or misses a test, I am alerted by text. The kids seem to enjoy spending time with him. He does art projects and works on their Halloween costumes, etc. It is an enormous relief that I know he's not using alcohol. He doesn't have a lame girlfriend yet, thank goodness.

According to my attorney, if I ever suspect him of being intoxicated I can call off the visitation. I'm not sure what happens if the kids decide they just don't want to see him. I have to ask my atty about that.

Anyway, while all situations are different, I agree with Lillamy that one solid home 50% of the time is better than an alcoholic home 100% of the time. I have always had a very close and affectionate relationship with my children (I was a stay at home mom and truly loved being home with the kids), but I was still shocked at how much better our relationship became after we left the drama that came with the alcoholism. I was able to notice more details about them, be more relaxed and playful with them, make fun plans, etc. because we were out of range of my husband's self-destruction. I have never regretted leaving.

I would suggest consulting a lawyer and seeing what your options are. Knowledge is power and may allay some of your fears. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I know how hard it can be to consider divorce when children are involved.

peaceofpi

Fear of leaving your child with someone who is incapacitated and who regularly makes bad decisions is beyond frightening.

Our state loves 50/50, and our state has no laws protecting kids from alcoholic parents in a divorce. I filed a year after discovering multiple emails to prostitutes and enduring verbal abuse. I tried to stick it out for the sake of our young child. But our child was hearing the curse words hurled at me and was acting out by hitting me. Our house was a chaotic walk on eggshells.

After separation, the court temporarily ordered a short period of supervised visitation and gave me the ability to randomly test for alcohol and drugs. After multiple evasions, the alcoholic failed the test badly (during a non-visitation time) and went back to supervised for a short time. During mediation, I chose not to continue testing but got an injunction against the ex drinking before or during visitation.

So we are on the every-other-weekend-visitation plan, and our child enjoys time with both parents. It's important to speak positively to the child about the other parent and the child's relationship and visitation. There have been problems created for our child by my ex's bad judgment, but on the whole I think both I and my child (who is in play therapy) are doing very well with a peaceful, stable home. Discipline is rarely an issue anymore. I never second guess my decision to divorce. Alcoholism, adultery, and abuse were three A's too many.

Regarding my biggest fear, I try to put it aside and enjoy the present. I can't protect this precious child. Instead, I pray.

FeelingGreat

Hi Hopeful4, your husband sounds like a genuinely good father when he is sober. This isn't to downplay the damage he's done to your marriage.
You have documented proof that he has a drinking problem, and it would be reasonable to ask the court to make it a condition of custody that he be sober when the children are with him. Because your daughter is 14 and no doubt knows the signs, you would have some way of monitoring him.

hopeful4

Thank you all so much. What a relief to just hear from other people who are going through the same thing, many of you in much worse situations than mine I am sorry to say. The thing is, he is a decent dad when he is not drinking. He does not drink all the time. He has bouts here and there, they may be a week apart or a month apart. I got home yesterday, he had mowed the grass and cooked dinner with my girls (this is very unusual). He is making an effort I just feel as though it is too late and that it will not last. It sounds crazy but the anxiety of him drinking even a little causes me to feel like my stomach is twisted in knots because I am so scared he will go back to where he once was, a raving alcoholic. I have no trust for him at all and always always feel like I am waiting for that shoe to drop. I am codependent and let the worry control my moods much too often, that is something I am actively working on.

I am resentful of the past and feel as though there is a mountain built up that I cannot chip away at. He has caused me so much hurt, I don't know how to see around it. We will go to the counselor and see what he has to say. It cannot hurt anything at all is my thought on it.

Thank you to everyone who responded. It is a relief to just say it. God Bless!

lillamy

It sounds like you have a decent relationship, still. Sometimes, I know I see situations completely through my own experiences -- but if he is not abusive and doesn't have his brain completely addled by alcohol... maybe you could just have an agreement with him (if you are comfortable doing that?) that when he is heading into a period of heavy drinking, it's OK with you that he calls you and says "I can't have the kids this week/weekend" and you will ask no questions?

I did that for a while with AXH. I mean, he drank every damn night whether the kids were with him or not, but when he signaled that he didn't want the kids, I didn't ask questions, I just enjoyed the extra time with them.

After a while, though, I found myself being his babysitter and put my foot down and said "IF you are going to have 50% custody, you're going to have to step up and deal with the fact that there are days you have to work late and nights you want to go out with your buddies and find a babysitter for those times." After that, it wasn't long until they were with me 90% of the time.

hopeful4

At this point we are still together, so I have no idea what he would be like if I leave. A couple weeks ago I made him leave for the night. He knows I mean business I believe as some things are changing that have not before. I have not made him leave in three years and that was because he had been in jail and left to go to rehab. I did not scream and yell or do any of my normal behavior because I feel something inside me has changed. I think he knows too. Will that be enough for him? Doubt it.

I hope we could have a relationship like that but it is quite possible that if I leave he will go on a complete path of self destruction, it is just now that I know that will be his choice, not mine. I cannot control that. So in turn I am going to go ahead with the counseling and see where it goes, but I have told him up front I don't really think it will work. My hope is that if we do decide to divorce we do so there with the help of a psychologist who can help us do it in a way that is the least painful for our entire family.

marie1960

I think you currently have a front row seat to his "complete path of destruction" he's been to jail, been to rehab, and yet nothing has changed. He simply is not ready to address his addiction, so do the next best thing and take care of YOU and your kids.

Be the change.

His so called "controlled drinking" is a big NO- NO, he is only fooling himself here.



I cannot imagine the divorce to be any more painful than what you are living today. In fact, it may be less painful, you will be in control, you will be addressing your families needs, if the expectation of him as devoted husband and father are removed, seems to me you will be less hurt,and confused. No expectation = No disappointment.

Sending you support, as you continue on your path for clarity.

Florence

You have documented proof of his drinking problem, including rehab and criminal charges related to his behavior while drinking. Take this and any other questions or proof or hearsay you have to a local lawyer for a FREE consultation about what the landscape actually is for someone in your area divorcing an addicted spouse. If your primary concern is the kids, finances, house, etc., this will do a lot to answer many of those question marks.

This will calm a lot of your nerves and give you solid ground for future choices. Take some of that power right back and give yourself and your girls the option to live a healthier life.

NWGRITS

Please, please, PLEASE do not stay with him just for your children. You are NOT doing them any favors by keeping them in that environment. I hope you have them in Alateen or therapy, or at least have plans for them, because they are going to need it. Put your children and yourself first. Those are your priorities.