jessicajoe

You know that feeling when you first post ? The one when you believe people just aren't understanding how special this person is, your one true love, your once in a lifetime relationship. You want to skim past the posts that talk about detachment or even "whispers" ► "moving on" and look for the post that mentions the magic wand.
I had a light bulb moment today.
All the people who respond, as hard as it is to read, really have been where I am and felt what I feel.
The people who didn't love aren't on SR. They got a glimpse of what was to come, said "I'm not having this" and packed !

shil2587

yup, and you know the mad thing? I read your post and the first thought that crossed my mind was 'hers is clearly like all the rest, just not like mine'. The second thought was 'she's like my relationship twin - this is coming in my direction too'.

sigh.

suki44883

Yep, and it's not just F&F who feel "terminal uniqueness." The addict has it, too. They just aren't like alcoholics because of something or some such. Terminal uniqueness can kill an addict.

LightInside

My X and I both have it: He doesn't think he needs treatment or a program, but just singlehood and his own will (He could be right!). I don't think I'll ever find anyone better than the guy I started out with (who isn't the same guy I ended with). It's funny, because typing that I realize I don't really believe it, but my daily thoughts and feelings display otherwise.

blake1989

Such a useful thread for me. Thanks. My gf and I both have this terminal uniqueness.

When I found this forum, I remember typing my first (first few actually) threads, thinking 'this situation is so complex and special...that i'm grasping at straws posting this. Nobody will respond because it probably only makes sense to me, and i'm being selfish posting all this.' I remember being awestruck at the immediate understanding.

Like LightInside, there is a substantial part of me that still feels I'll never find anyone more in tune with me than the woman I started out with, and painfully, that lovely person is in my presence much of the time, moreso than ever actually. She just takes a hiatus when the drink enters the picture and obliterates the good feelings and memories we had been forging. She is back the next day, often with apologies. I have never felt such a pure, reciprocated love in my life. Yet I constantly think of that book 'love is not enough'. I hate that the Beatles were wrong lol.

As for her terminal uniqueness, I never thought of that until now. When drinking, she will go on and on about how nobody can help her, many have tried, AA didn't work, she knows all the 'tricks' since she is a substance abuse nurse, and there is only one like her. It's agony. But unique agony? I have learned here that it is not.

NYCDoglvr

Thanks for your post.........it was spot on.

spiderqueen

My XA's mother told me this in so many words about his various LTRs, and his ex-wife.

Before I broke it off, I constantly waffled between feeling superior to the others (I love him more, I love him better), and feeling totally envious that they got away and didn't have to see where he ended up - friendless, jobless, and sicker than stink.

newme2013

I knew my husband had a drinking problem within weeks of meeting him but for some I never made the connection that all the crazy things that went on in our relationship were common for alcoholics. I sometimes questioned whether he was a sociopath. I never told anyone about the things that were going on in our home. Once his drinking got so out of control that everyone knew about it someone suggested I go to Al- Anon. I attended a few meetings and starting reading these message boards and that was when I finally realized that what I was going through was just a typical alcoholic marriage. It was a relief to find out that my situation was not unique and there were other people going through the same thing as me. I really wish I had done some research into alcoholism before I married him so I would have known just how bad it would get.

atalose

I remember those days well. Feeling mad, angry, hurt and upset by the posts that were NOT telling me what I wanted to hear and grasping onto the posts that were written by people who were as un-healthy and knew as little about addiction as I did.

And today I AM SO GREATFULL to all those people I thought were hard hearted, mean and just not understanding MY situation. Without their knowledge, without their TRUTHS I would still be holding onto someone waiting for them to change and feeling miserable, lost and lonely.

Truth is often very hard to accept but once you know something it’s near impossible not to know it any longer.

We change for 2 reasons – 1 because we’ve been hurt enough that we have to and 2 we’ve learned enough where we want to.

LightInside

I typed another response the other night, but my phone ate it and I thought, "Aw, forget it, " but my thoughts still remain. This post might be for my own benefit more than anyone else's.

I have terminal uniqueness when it comes to my situation with my A. I didn't even get to make the decision to leave, even though he was emotionally abusive and we fought in front of our baby all the time. Instead HE broke up with ME. This was a huge blow to my ego and brought up all the old feelings of rejection and abandonment. It seems that most people here on SR F&F have left their A partners or are about to. Sometimes the comfort of company that my misery seeks is not to be found, because I feel like no one can really relate. The people that I seem to relate to more are those who have had someone leave them for another person.

One thing that is part of the readings for a 12 Step meeting (I go to more than just Al Anon) that I attend is something like, "If you can't relate to other people's situation, try to relate to the feelings they express." I can do that.

nbay2013

Hi Light;

No, you are not the only one. Several of us here were dumped. Which makes it even more awful, because I was dumped by a dry drunk, heavily in debt, chaotic life, mess of a man. I mean damn! The year before I broke it off with him, due to his crazy behavior, which I eventually found out was because of daily heavy vodka drinking. I did the right thing, backed off with regular but not very much contact. Three months ago, after a year of his sobriety, he "won me back" we were together for less than 10 days, and then he disappeared; he dumped me via email. The reason? "He was confused about his feelings". boom! That is the last I heard from him. So, I get it, he did me a favor. He was not a man doing a program. HOWEVER, that does not lessen the ego crushing blow, the abandonment, and how foolish I felt. Somehow, that fact that he dumped me makes him seem more desirable. Oh god, how f**ked up is that? But, they are just thoughts, it's my ego speaking. He really did me a favor. After three months of no contact; I can see that now. It still hurts, I still miss him, but I am getting much better much faster.

NWGRITS

LightInside, I think those feelings of abandonment have nothing to do with the A and everything to do with us. It's OUR problem within ourselves that needs fixing. Those of us codies who choose addicts and abusers for partners are reliving parts of our childhood because it's all we know. You notice that the healthy people are the ones picking and going (to quote the eloquent words of Cartman), "Screw you guys, I'm going home." They don't sit around begging, pleading, bargaining for the addict to stop using; hunting through trash cans and cupboards looking for evidence; thinking that if they just did One More Thing, that all would be right with the world. Codies are the only ones who believe in the farce of Happily Ever After. The more we work on ourselves, the more we realize that WE are unhealthy, and that our relationships were unhealthy, too. And the pain starts to become less as we realize that the fairytale we thought we had never really existed.

Yurt

Yes, I had a "light-bulb" moment as well tonight. AH attributed a person's intelligence to the fact that she had high cheek bones (she was a very attractive woman that was being interviewed on PBS), and I just thought WTF? I laughed out loud and he became incensed. Then he wanted to have a discussion about it (Oh no, another one sided, hour-long marathon), but I just cut him off at each absurd turn that he made. After realizing how absurd and bizarre things have become, I think that my attitude is changing yet again. I don't intend to be confrontational, however, I refuse to be treated like an idiot any longer. BTW, he made sure to inform me that I absolutely DO NOT have high cheek bones.

NWGRITS

Well sh*t, Yurt. I'm not sure I can offer support to someone who doesn't have high cheek bones.

LightInside

I knew I was sick before this breakup, but I really didn't know HOW sick. I'm aware that this crap is within me. I know I'll be okay , maybe even wonderful. Not without my anonymous friends. I'm currently reading Codependent No More. Waiting for a book I have on hold at the library - It's about abandonment and someone from SR recommended it.

MissFixit

why does he do that? is another worthwhile book to read after ending an abusive relationship. i think it is by lundy bancroft.

Lulu39

My XAH always makes sure to leave regular abusive voicemails and texts stating:
"I left you you b*tch". And that's what he tells everyone. Except, I wanted him to leave and choreographed almost the entire "him leaving" thing. I even "loaned", AKA gave him money, to leave.

His story to the entire world is that he had to leave me because I am insane. It doesn't explain why he:
* is seeing a co-morbidity Dr.,
* can't go to work, like EVER
* has a myriad of increasing and more volatile health problems. Oops, sorry, I forgot, he has those health problems because I made/make him drink.

I have also given him a peptic ulcer, high blood pressure a pilonidal cyst and gastritis.

I have the MAGIC TOUCH!

With all my magic evil womanly wiles I don't understand why I can do all the magic evil stuff I do, but I can't make him stop drinking.

nbay2013

The book I am reading is called, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

I am about halfway though the book. The first third of the book I bawled a lot because it touched my experience and my heart. But it is giving me good information and more importantly, normalizing my experience so I don't feel such embarrassment for staying in a crazy situation for so long.

LightInside

And why can't you just magically make a nice man come into your life and be sweet just because he likes you? Sheesh!

And wow about those voicemails. They can be so mean.

LightInside

Yes! That's the book. I'm hoping to pick it up today.