desire12

Hi all! I've been reading and reading and did I mention reading post for days now, hoping to help answer some questions I've been asking myself
My AH who has not had a drink in 10 days came to me last night and said it's not working. When I ask him what's not working he said this not drinking, I miss it to much. Immediately my stomach went into knots. I didn't know what to say or do, part of me wanted to get angry, I felt sad and part of me wanted to run. He went in saying that he isn't going to drink during the week but only on Saturdays and in moderation. Who is kidding, he and I both know there is no moderation when he drinks. I ask him to elaborate in moderation, he said maybe 15, them said not sure really just go with the flow.

We've had our talks recently about where I am with the his drinking and how I feel and what it's doing to our family, and them he drops the bomb like this, and honestly should have came as no surprise. He said I could take it or leave it, in my mind I was thinking ur giving me a ultimatum??? Are you serious right now???? So here I am feeling confused hurt and not sure what steps I should take to protect my children and myself de living the nightmare when he gets drunk the next time, and I truly feel it's just a matter of days. I lost shattered and feel dismissed and that he has no respect for our emotions or our family and marriage.

Sorry for rambling but I'm lost right now in a ring of emotions and not sure what to do next, any suggestions words would be greatly appreciated.

ResignedToWait

It sounds like he's testing your boundaries.

NeedSomeHappy

Stand your ground! We have your back ((hug))

desire12

Thanks y'all.

ladyscribbler

I think your instinct to run might be dead on. He hasn't had enough, but you have. With kids in the mix, their safety has to be paramount. Do you have a safe place to take them if he starts up a bender? Is it feasible to get him out of the house? He gave you hope then yanked the rug out from under you. That dread you're feeling is one of the worst things I've ever experienced. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Knowing he's going to start drinking anytime and that after ten whole days sober, it's probably gonna be a doozy. So what if you don't wait? What if you act on your instinct? It sounds like he's made his choice already.

Hammer

This is not so bad (jmho) . . . . HE is right at Step 1. He is becoming aware that HE cannot control it.

Step 1 is a WONDERFUL place to start.

Here is the AA Step 1. (looks a WHOLE Lot like ours, huh?)

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Maybe read How It Works, together -- since he is being Open and Honest with you. (take THAT while it lasts. )


http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf


Big Book On Line - Table of Contents

dandylion

desire12---personally, I think it is o.k. to tell him to take those feelings to an AA meeting. Talk about this with his sponsor.

I believe he was telling you his experience (to the best of his ability). Just not drinking is HARD. He probably thinks that willpower will carry him--not so--and he is finding that out. Early recovery is very, very uncomfortable. He is probably having physical and emotional withdrawl, right now. He is doing what alcoholics do--he wants to drink, desperately. He is not really trying to consciously disrespect or hurt you---the desire to drink is so loud he probably can't think about anything else, right now. This is why daily meetings---and maybe more than one each day--is so necessary in early recovery.

For you---detach with compassion and get to alanon. You need support as much as he does. Have you read the "stickies" at the top of this main page?--if not--there is a wealth of i nformation that you will need to k now.

I am glad that you are posting here.

dandylion

desire12

He's not one that has every communicated well, the emotion we see most from him is anger, so I've decided to take care of myself and my children first and he has to find his own path. Now how to so that is going to be a bit of a challenge, I know it can be done, and I will start taking the steps to do so.

I will not uproot my children because of him and his problem, he will have to except my boundaries or go elsewhere. It's time I planted both feet and stood firm and stop trying to please him.

This could go a lot of way!!! I pray I'm doing the right thing.

atalose

Have you though about al-anon for you? Posting here is great too, post away.

It's hard when we are stuck in our "if only's"....if only they'd stop drinking, if only they really meant it, if only they would seek help....the list can go on and on and on.

As hard as it may be, put the focus on YOU doing something, you taking some kind of action for yourself rather then putting your life and future all on and in the hands of alcoholic.

dandylion

desire, I think knowing what is best for you and your children and holding your boundaries IS the right thing to do.

dandylion

meggem

I can't help you because I am in a blithering mess myself but I can tell you I understand how you are feeling. If you read my post "dont know what to title this thread....." you will get a little of my background but I remember my husband coming up with ALL kinds of ways to control his drinking and they would all lead back to disaster. not during the week, only on the weekends, not before 3 pm - no cases, only 12 packs, then it was no 12 packs, only 6 packs, then he would just go back to the store for another 6 pack, or get a 12 pack because it was friday and he was going to drink in moderation. then it was no drinking at all - But he never came to me and said it wasn't working and it was too hard he would just break his promises and either argue and defend himself - or tell him he had it under control and for me not to worry - or he would throw it back at me in some fashion. And my stomach would also be in knots, I would feel angry and hurt and disgusted and sad and sometimes I hated his ever living guts. I would like to say "I wish I would have done XYZ then" but I suppose everything happens in its own time and in its own way, so I'm not sure if I can suggest anything to you, but I can tell you I understand how you feel. I'm going to my first alanon meeting tonight ever. Join me?

RollTide

"He said I could take it or leave it."

Leave it. Taking it is not an option.

desire12

Here we go again, AH would have been going on day 14 of no drinking and today he gave in.

He left for work this morning and back in town a lil after lunch and already started drinking. I had surgery Thuraday and he has made the choice to go hangout with his buddies and drink than worry about anything else, by no means am I saying he should be here with me 24/7 but I could use the help right now.

I did text and ask when he would be here and he says he don't know. Then got aggravated with me when I said we need something's from the store. He said all that can wait.

So we are back to square one, I'm the one he's blaming the problem on, saying I'm picking at him trying to make him feel guilty.

I want to run, far away. Obviously he's not concerned about any one or anything but himself. Maybe he's thinking right now she can't drive and get around that great so he has me at his mercy.

I'm just tired and feel that all this has to change and soon.

Ifeelcrazy

In the same boat with ya sister! But I have to say..be careful what you ask for. It doesn't come with angelic music and Utopia. That's for damn sure. No matter what decision we have to make to take care of our families, it hurts. How can someone we love sooo much and give ourselves to be so so selfish. It amazes me. sorry, I hear you completely. Sucks

Recovering2

He's showing you who he is, he's not ready for recovery. He's an A, he's going to blame you or anything else he can for his decision to drink. But the decision is his and his alone. If he feels the urge,he can always find an AA meeting. Only if it matters to him.

What are YOUR boundaries? You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. So if he chooses to drink, what are you willing to accept? As long as you allow it, he knows he doesn't have to respect you. Are you in AlAnon? Find a meeting near you, and gain support from like soul. Set your boundaries.

Hawkeye13

I'm really sorry for your situation. Your last line suggests that you are the only one who can change the situation and that in heart you maybe know that. It is so difficult to face, but if you honestly look at options, do you want to keep things status quo?

hopeful4

I am right at this same place. While I have no great advise or perspective, I too know at this point in my life I am ready for a change. I am not continuing down this path. I am not the one with the problem nor will I be blamed for it any longer. That is manipulation and a form of mental abuse that I will no longer tolerate. If my husband tries to start that, I cut it right off, I will not listen to that. We go to counseling this afternoon, should be interesting to see what he tries to say there....we shall see.

Good luck and God Bless!