what have I done?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
what have I done?
A couple of weeks ago, I had an argument with my "best friend" which ended with him threatening me with violence and calling me every name under the sun. I came onto SR to ask whether it was time to run and everybody said yes!
For the past two weeks, I've had barely any contact with him whilst he blithely continued to drink and snort coke and berate me to anyone who would listen. It was a very hard two weeks as after the first one, I got a load of texts through telling me he was going to kill himself. I didn't get drawn in as this is a fairly regular thing, usually when he's run out of beer, coke and money. I waited til after 10pm when the shop shut and went to his to make sure he was really ok, and to satisfy my own instincts that he was just trying to manipulate money out of me. His first question when I walked through the door was "did you bring beers?"! I said no. He then said, can I borrow £20 [for cocaine] to which I also replied no. I stayed for a couple of minutes sitting in silence and then got up and said I was leaving, and I did.
Last night, I stupidly called him to go round to see him. I don't know what came over me. I just wanted to clear the air a bit I suppose. When I arrived he was still drinking and drugging even though 5 minutes before, he said he wasn't. He then proceeded to tear me to shreds saying how it was my fault he threatened me as I provoked him into it, how I'm a sneaky and sly, self centred opinionated ******** without any concern for other people's feelings. And then he demanded an apology for everything that had happened. He didn't get one! Now he's acting as if everything is fine, which it really isn't! I really couldn't believe what he was saying. He has no other friends, I'm his only one, and he accuses me of not having any concept of friendship! It's so ludicrous that it caught me totally off guard.
I feel so stupid for going there in the first place expecting an adult discussion only to b have my character assassinated. I'm lucky that I have a separate very good group of longterm friends, but I still feel incredibly guilty knowing that after promising him that I'd be there for him, I have to step away. I don't feel safe around him, and I definitely am not happy when I'm with him. He has shown glimmers of a lovely person, but the drink and drugs will always won and the abuse is ramping up from emotional to verbal to now potentially physical.
Sorry this has turned into a rant, but I'm struggling to deal with my guilt and feeling that I'm abandoning him.
For the past two weeks, I've had barely any contact with him whilst he blithely continued to drink and snort coke and berate me to anyone who would listen. It was a very hard two weeks as after the first one, I got a load of texts through telling me he was going to kill himself. I didn't get drawn in as this is a fairly regular thing, usually when he's run out of beer, coke and money. I waited til after 10pm when the shop shut and went to his to make sure he was really ok, and to satisfy my own instincts that he was just trying to manipulate money out of me. His first question when I walked through the door was "did you bring beers?"! I said no. He then said, can I borrow £20 [for cocaine] to which I also replied no. I stayed for a couple of minutes sitting in silence and then got up and said I was leaving, and I did.
Last night, I stupidly called him to go round to see him. I don't know what came over me. I just wanted to clear the air a bit I suppose. When I arrived he was still drinking and drugging even though 5 minutes before, he said he wasn't. He then proceeded to tear me to shreds saying how it was my fault he threatened me as I provoked him into it, how I'm a sneaky and sly, self centred opinionated ******** without any concern for other people's feelings. And then he demanded an apology for everything that had happened. He didn't get one! Now he's acting as if everything is fine, which it really isn't! I really couldn't believe what he was saying. He has no other friends, I'm his only one, and he accuses me of not having any concept of friendship! It's so ludicrous that it caught me totally off guard.
I feel so stupid for going there in the first place expecting an adult discussion only to b have my character assassinated. I'm lucky that I have a separate very good group of longterm friends, but I still feel incredibly guilty knowing that after promising him that I'd be there for him, I have to step away. I don't feel safe around him, and I definitely am not happy when I'm with him. He has shown glimmers of a lovely person, but the drink and drugs will always won and the abuse is ramping up from emotional to verbal to now potentially physical.
Sorry this has turned into a rant, but I'm struggling to deal with my guilt and feeling that I'm abandoning him.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
You didn't abandon him. Nothing you did or could do in the future will change his activities. Only he is responsible for them, and for stopping them if he chooses.
Your conscious should be guilt free. Easier said than done, I know, but in time you'll realize it's true.
Your conscious should be guilt free. Easier said than done, I know, but in time you'll realize it's true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I had started to detach, but still stumbled and went back for another load of abuse. Now it's all starting up again, but it's going to get worse and worse as he becomes more self destructive and abusive. I know what I have to do, I just can't bring myself to do it. Whatever happens, I'm going to be miserable- at least for a time!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Then let's keep marching.
after detachment, comes boundaries. Now that there is some distance, boundaries are where we sort of put a fence between us and the A on where we [do not] go too far into their side, and they [do not] go too far into our side.
e.g., maybe for you: I [you] DO NOT have visitors in my house who yell or call me names. They are asked to leave instantly. If they do not, I dial 911 (or whatever you call a police call).
after detachment, comes boundaries. Now that there is some distance, boundaries are where we sort of put a fence between us and the A on where we [do not] go too far into their side, and they [do not] go too far into our side.
e.g., maybe for you: I [you] DO NOT have visitors in my house who yell or call me names. They are asked to leave instantly. If they do not, I dial 911 (or whatever you call a police call).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I'm so sorry this is happening. You have tried to be there for him and he's done nothing but abuse you. I'd block every single possible form of contact (text, email, phone), and move on. No one deserves to be treated like that. He has to want to stop. I know you care about him but there's nothing more you can do.
Hugs to you. It's so hard to lose a friend.
Hugs to you. It's so hard to lose a friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
What I've found is that my head is often wiser than my heart; I know what I need to do, and when I do it, the results are what I need, even though my heart feels broken, and I am on an emotional rollercoaster.
It does pass, and the further I got out of the situation, the clearer it became to me that I had done the right, for me, the only thing.
People who are active alcoholics/addicts cannot be reasoned with or make commitments to behave the way we want them to, even the way they want to themselves. In some ways, the whole normal relationship expectations, promises, and behaviors goes upside down.
What it means to "be there for someone" isn't the same as it is in a normal relationship. The Drug of Choice (DOC) is first, always, until the alcoholic commits to recovery and never takes that next drink. As you saw when you went to visit your friend, he asked you if you'd brought beer, and then he asked for money for drugs. His addiction is driving his thinking and his behavior, and to him, you are a potential source of what he needs most, and that is not friendship, love or a mature relationship of any kind.
So don't be guilty, and remember the "three C's" that people here on SoberRecovery cite:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
This is his choice and it is his choice to make, however devastating that feels to those of us who have stand by and watch.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
It does pass, and the further I got out of the situation, the clearer it became to me that I had done the right, for me, the only thing.
People who are active alcoholics/addicts cannot be reasoned with or make commitments to behave the way we want them to, even the way they want to themselves. In some ways, the whole normal relationship expectations, promises, and behaviors goes upside down.
What it means to "be there for someone" isn't the same as it is in a normal relationship. The Drug of Choice (DOC) is first, always, until the alcoholic commits to recovery and never takes that next drink. As you saw when you went to visit your friend, he asked you if you'd brought beer, and then he asked for money for drugs. His addiction is driving his thinking and his behavior, and to him, you are a potential source of what he needs most, and that is not friendship, love or a mature relationship of any kind.
So don't be guilty, and remember the "three C's" that people here on SoberRecovery cite:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
This is his choice and it is his choice to make, however devastating that feels to those of us who have stand by and watch.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by tjol81 
He then proceeded to tear me to shreds saying how it was my fault he threatened me as I provoked him into it, how I'm a sneaky and sly, self centred opinionated ******** without any concern for other people's feelings.
Originally Posted by tjol81
but I still feel incredibly guilty knowing that after promising him that I'd be there for him, I have to step away.
It will be a tough road, but you'll feel much better with out this in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
just a hunch, but thinking your guilt is actually fear.
Sometimes, the fear is our own common sense. Common sense says if he doesn't take the bull by the horn, bad things are going to continue happen to him. And you know what? you are absolutely correct.
I would not take the words of an active addict to heart. Everything you are hearing out of his mouth is the drugs/ booze talking, meaningless words, from an out of control person. His mind is currently polluted and toxic from the drugs. All rational thought is out the window.
if he is not willing to address his own life issues, there is nothing you can do.
If you want to remain healthy, continue to surround yourself with healthy people.
Addiction is a beast, a very strong, powerful beast!
Sometimes, the fear is our own common sense. Common sense says if he doesn't take the bull by the horn, bad things are going to continue happen to him. And you know what? you are absolutely correct.
I would not take the words of an active addict to heart. Everything you are hearing out of his mouth is the drugs/ booze talking, meaningless words, from an out of control person. His mind is currently polluted and toxic from the drugs. All rational thought is out the window.
if he is not willing to address his own life issues, there is nothing you can do.
If you want to remain healthy, continue to surround yourself with healthy people.
Addiction is a beast, a very strong, powerful beast!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now that you have come to ACCEPTANCE of what addict behavior is all about, lying, manipulation, verbal abuse………and you are no longer a willing participant……
It’s time to begin working on YOUR ACCEPTANCE that it was never your job in the first place to save him, to be bound to him. It was never your responsibility to remain friends with someone who can’t be a friend. The codie tendency is to make ourselves bigger then life, put ourselves on some kind of rescue pedestal that makes us stay in un-healthy relationships with un-healthy people out of some kind of un-healthy thinking that love/friendship means accepting unacceptable behaviors.
It’s time to begin working on YOUR ACCEPTANCE that it was never your job in the first place to save him, to be bound to him. It was never your responsibility to remain friends with someone who can’t be a friend. The codie tendency is to make ourselves bigger then life, put ourselves on some kind of rescue pedestal that makes us stay in un-healthy relationships with un-healthy people out of some kind of un-healthy thinking that love/friendship means accepting unacceptable behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by isitme
I know this feeling too.. but in reality, you are still there for him. I have a feeling you will always "be there" should he choose to make different decisions in his life. You are not stepping away from him, but rather his abuse and manipulation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
It never ceases to amaze me how much compassion and wisdom there is on this site. It's made me feel less alone in things. Some truly inspiring nuggets of hope have been given so kindly to me, and I'll bear them in mind.
The texting and potential guilt tripping started from again last night, but I actually burst out laughing at how ludicrous it all was! I slept like a log last night and I feel great today. I can actually see the whole thing for what it is, which I thought I had done before, but now it's quite different! Like "isitme" said, I am not stepping away from him, but rather his abuse and manipulation. Very powerful words. I just hope this feeling lasts and I can keep it up.
Thank you all again for your insight xx
The texting and potential guilt tripping started from again last night, but I actually burst out laughing at how ludicrous it all was! I slept like a log last night and I feel great today. I can actually see the whole thing for what it is, which I thought I had done before, but now it's quite different! Like "isitme" said, I am not stepping away from him, but rather his abuse and manipulation. Very powerful words. I just hope this feeling lasts and I can keep it up.
Thank you all again for your insight xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by tjol81
I had started to detach, but still stumbled and went back for another load of abuse. Now it's all starting up again, but it's going to get worse and worse as he becomes more self destructive and abusive. I know what I have to do, I just can't bring myself to do it. Whatever happens, I'm going to be miserable- at least for a time!
So glad to hear that you had a good night's sleep and are able to see his messages for what they are. Progress!
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