you know what I hate?
 

I hate that no matter how much I feel I've grown, detached, made good personal choices, taken my own issues to heart, he can with one drunk rampage make me sit it this da** computer, heart pounding, hands shaking and blood coursing at break-neck speed through my veins!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who has the right to be so ugly. I have a friend who does that? Consequence: we are really no longer friends! I have a husband, on the other hand, and I'm feeling the wedding band on my finger close like a noose around my neck! I'm so angry right now, I will just be mercilessly venting. The tender at heart should skip this stupid thread right now, the vengeful..... stay with me!!!! When I get angry... I shut down! When I get scared? I shut down. I'm so da** sick of being shut down, but I know to show emotion would probably lead to the violence I believe him capable of, so thinly controlled! My plan sounds better and more sane each and every f***ing day. I never swear, I never rant, I am known for the steady eddy approach, but tonight..... I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed. Hope is a scary thing, Y'all, don't go there unless you feel ready to be stepped on and railed against.....
......
.....
...
.. gee, I think I'm done. Sorry :sad:
Pam

(((McHappy))))
I think it is perfectly alright that you are p*ssed off, that you are frustrated. Remember, he's just doing what ducks do best- quacking, right?!!
Anyways,hope you do something nice for yourself, sounds like you deserve it a little more tonight!
-SFG29

Yowza!!! Hopefully, you feel better now- I feel better after I get it out...
I hate what you hate, plus the SELFISHNESS , that they are entitled to do whatever they want, d*mn the consequences.
Ooops. better stop now....

Good luck!

Personally my theory is that Ward can call me all the names he wants....from the other side of a closed door. Not going there and I can't be dragged there either...nope...nosiree...not this one!

Hoping you have a good day,
JT

(((((McHappy))))))
I'm so sorry you had a bad day.
"Hope is a scary thing."
Put your hope in YOU. Putting your hope in your H is a setup for disappointment and frustration - I've been there hundreds of times.
L

Pam -

I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record but if you believe him to be capable of violence toward you - he probably is. Toward the end I became convinced that if I just stayed calm in the face of the terrible verbal abuse, if I just went about my business that I would be safe until he either sought help or I was able to get out of there. Unfortunately, my timing was off and I had to call 911 for help. Trust your instincts. Make a plan - just in case. Keep your keys in a place that you can grab them on your way out of the house. Keep a phone handy. I managed to get out of the house and into the van where I used the cell phone to call 911. Trust your instincts and be prepared. I hope that I am overreacting to your post and if so, please forgive me but my own experience is coloring my outlook on others who feel like they are in danger. Take care.

Hugs, Jo

Ohhhh..... McTired, I can certainly understand your sentiments.
I have been doing absolutely wonderful for the past few weeks.
I kept feeling my self esteem coming up as well as my confidence.
I have been feeling better about myself AND our relationship.
How silly of me to put faith in that.
For the past few weeks he has been working during the day and working on his truck every night. He needed to get it fixed and back on the road. He could drink while he was working on his truck, but not as quickly or as much.
Therefore, it was always in his system, but not enough to turn him into an instant a**hole. Well, yesterday, the truck was finally finished and he and his father went immediately to the local club. Time to pour on the sauce quick and become a raging lunatic. It is very ugly!

I went spent several hours with my daughter and my niece yesterday. Heaven forbid that I wasn't sitting here waiting for him to climb upon his throne. He came home, drunker than sh*t, came into the bedroom, woke me up, and proceeded to drill me about "When did you make these plans to go shopping with your daughter?" "Why wasn't I told about it before today?" "Why weren't you home earlier?" "I want some answers and I want them now!" Yeah, okay, like I'm going to talk to him. I told him to get out of the room and leave me alone. He did, but 15 minutes later, he was back in the bedroom, bugging me again. I was ignoring him and he HATES that. Then he started rough-housing with my puppy who was also trying to sleep. He was doing ABSOLUTELY everything he could to get a fight going with me.

They disgust me when they're in one of their drunk rages.

I am feeling a little, down, tired, and disappointed today.......BUT, I am not going to let this insolent, arrogant, a**hole ruin anymore of my life. He hates it when I go to the gym. He hates it when I have lunch with a friend. He particularly hates it when I spend time with my only daughter. Tough sh*t!!!

I'm putting him in the back of my mind where he belongs.

God bless you McTired! I hope that you feel better today and a little better every day. My friends on here have helped me to realize that the name calling and the cruel words are not about me, they're about him.

((((((((HUGS AND UNDERSTANDING))))))))))

all I can say is that I understand as well and I am so sorry taht any of us are in this position. My SO had a big drunk on Saturday and had horrible nightmares. I don't think he would ever knowingly hurt me either...but how can you trust someone who's brain is pickled? Do they even really know what they are doing? It scared me to death and I got no sleep.

I so want him to leave...which apparently he has done...according to a phone call just a few minutes ago. I am already lonely but relieved not to have to live with any more drunken rantings. I will sorely miss the sober man....all my life. But I won't miss the sound of a beer can top popping open.

:worried: :worried: :worried:

Hello McTired,

Hope you are feeling better today!! I totally understand how you feel. There is nothing wrong with having periods of time when we are mad,upset and especially hurt and disappointed. It is useful for me to vent time and again. I will have a night of tears and then the next day realize that it is NOT me. Sometimes when we are tired and worn out the emotions really run wild. They sure wear us out on that roller coaster ride. I have always had a fear of those rides and now I know why. So glad you are here and typing those emotions for us all to share. Take care of you!!!

Love, hugs and prayers,
matters

what can I say, you guys have become a balm to me, honestly. I just got home from work, he's drunk again, and I'm just wading through it, that's about it anymore, surviving. It's truly not living and I'm dying in this environment. But, lo and behold, I get on here and you all have done it again, given me a smile and a reason to stick with my stuff, and hunt down the junk that gets me down. I met with my counselor today, it seems to be unanimous that it's time to leave for myself and for the kids. So, yes, the rental ads are out and I'm looking. I still plan to keep my planned departure date, but I do plan to be ready and find moments of looking forward to it as well as the times of unbearable grief. Thanks for being my friends!
Pam

McTired

I am late hopping on this thread, but I want to say how sorry I am that your life is so chaotic. I personally believe that physcal abuse is never to be tolerated and that is the only time I encourage people to leave their situation, or to at least put some space between them and the addict.

But emotional abuse, day after day after day, is really also a form of physical abuse, because it affects us not just mentally but physically. We get sick physically when mentally we just cannot fight anymore.

Occasional emotional upsets are normal even in a healthy relationship, but combine that with a substance that feeds an addiction and it's a toxic combination.

You sound strong in your recovery, and I know you will do what is right for you when the timing is right too, and I just want to tell you that we're walking beside you and care.

Hugs
Ann

the grief and pain of leaving
 

I just wanted to send my Hugs to everyone here.

At times it feels like any choice we make is going to hurt so much. Living with our AHs can be so painful, the way they treat us, the way our children must live. It becomes unbearable and we often choose to get out if we can't succeed in detaching and finding happiness within the relationship.

But the leaving hurts us too. As Nightowl said...

"I will sorely miss the sober man....all my life. But I won't miss the sound of a beer can top popping open."

At first all we feel is the grief and pain of leaving our hopes and dreams and occassional happiness behind. It can be nearly unbearable, the grief.

But we all can usually name that one thing we won't miss. This one Nightowl mentioned rang real true for me, about the sound of a beer can top opening. God how that sound used to make my stomach knot up! I still react a twinge when I open a soda for myself.

After a little while separated I can tell you the list of things I don't miss got a bit longer. It became easier to see them, and to realize how happy I was to be rid of them. Maybe you could try to think of a few more things you won't miss? Might be helpful, since you say you are going to leave.

For me, one was rainy days. Oh how my anxiety flew sky high on rainy days. Why? Because it meant my landscaping husband would not have work and instead would be at the bar all day. I would start feeling sick when I heard prediction of rain in the forecast. I would look out and see rain and want to cry.

Now I see rain and think my flowers will love it and I won't have to hose the garden down.

Hi McTired. Everyone has said such wonderful things, I'm hoping you feel better. I always feel better when I come here. What I was wondering, is are we all married to the same man? ........Here's a hug from someone who understands exactly the feelings you described.