Help!! AH is using our baby like possession

Old 10-22-2013, 06:21 PM
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Help!! AH is using our baby like possession

I told my AH today that I want separation until he gets treatment and shows consistent sobriety. If he chose treatment then i was willing to stay. He doesn't hear me when I say temporary. We discussed it infront of our marriage counselor and the counselor couldnt get through to him either. I have been planning trip to visit my parents for over a month now and he told me that he will call police if I take her out of state. I was taking her on vaca tomorrow and now he is hell bent about not letting me take her. Any legal advice anyoncan give me. I can't believe he is getting this dirty! My heart is breaking....
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:26 PM
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Sorry, but, we can't give legal advice here.
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:28 PM
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I understand. I will have to call attorney in morning to make sure I can take her on vaca...this is just unbelievable.
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:31 PM
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That would be the thing to do. I'm no lawyer, but I don't believe he can stop you from taking your daughter on vacation with you since you are still legally married and there are no legal custody orders in place. She is just as much your daughter as his.
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:36 PM
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You're both custodial parents.

But law enforcement wants you to come to agreement, even though it is legal to cross state lines. They would probably stall you, and try to get you to find an agreement. I think police get uncomfortable in these situations and want people to work it out, even though it would be legal to cross state lines. They don't like being involved without an agreement formed before they disengage.

I suggest you try to work it out with him before he calls the police. Just reassure him that you will be back on time, as planned. But if he won't play ball...you may have to postpone your trip.
Here's the law, but it only applies to non-custodial parents, as per my understanding.
Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act Summary
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:38 PM
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Thanks, that is what others have said as well. We still live under same roof and our marriage counselor knows that I was planning on taking baby on vaca. I just don't want the drama anymore. He didn't drink, so all the sudden he is sober...? I chose to give him an ultimatum before the straw broke the camels back. I chose to ask for it while things were calm but he blew up. I am just beside myself right now.
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:41 PM
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He's pretty angry and sees what you are threatening...and yes to a drinker it is a threat. You see it as protecting boundaries. He doesn't.
Anything you can do to calm down the current situation...this needs to blow over....even silence for the rest of tonight if that might work.
Sometimes people get more calm and rational in the light of a new day.
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Old 10-22-2013, 06:52 PM
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You understand that he is likely SCARED TO DEATH of treatment?

Most likely what this is about.

The Ro-Sham-Bo (Rock, Scissors, Paper) of the A mind is that DRAMA trumps all else.
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Old 10-22-2013, 07:09 PM
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I understand he is terrified that I am going to leave and of treatment. We just had another blow out and he is refusing to let me take baby. I am done for the night, I agree blues skies1, silence is the best thing right now. He absolutely can't here me, he is deaf to my voice and heart.
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Old 10-22-2013, 07:35 PM
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Agreed.

You all need cooler heads on this.

No defense for him, but I do recall how truly panic-scared Mrs. Hammer was of rehab. And she had a sponsor and a bunch of cool-talk friends to help coax her into it. For my part I was just doing the open hand (like with a horse) what-do-you need to make this better for you type stuff.

Sounds like you all have went HARD confrontational. You need some designated grown ups in the room to help you all out.

Handling the kid will be a big deal, too. Good to have your parents help. Actually the kids were a great comfort to me, and vice versa while she was gone. Longest we had been apart at that time, although together 13 years.
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Old 10-22-2013, 07:57 PM
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We went round and round at our counselors today. Marriage counselor did his best to hold the mirror up for AH but it was like hitting a brick wall. AH is convinced he can do this without prof help...don't they all. I am getting all the blame and now he is saying I'm a danger to our baby. Crazy things are coming out of his mouth even when he isn't drinking. I am tired of living in a glass house. I just want peace.
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Lynnett777 View Post
We went round and round at our counselors today. Marriage counselor did his best to hold the mirror up for AH but it was like hitting a brick wall. AH is convinced he can do this without prof help...don't they all. I am getting all the blame and now he is saying I'm a danger to our baby. Crazy things are coming out of his mouth even when he isn't drinking. I am tired of living in a glass house. I just want peace.
L O N G road ahead. Pace yourself, and take it REAL Easy on you. He is not even shipped out, yet.

Mrs. Hammer is back 10 months now, and Crazy Stuff still comes out of her mouth, almost weekly.

Sitting back (way back) and looking at it -- it is Crazy.

That mirror in the face that the T tried is NOT a welcome thing. In rehab they wolf pack them to tear them down. Can't do that in a one hour session in a T's office. And you likely should not be part of it.

You will likely hear much more whacked ahead. Among other things I have heard:

I am/have "poisoned" the kids minds against her.
I am "standing on her throat" to keep her down.
I am trying to prevent her from having a job.
I will not give her money for groceries.
I quit my job(s). [Yeah, I usually keep multiple things lined up now due to the chaos she has inflicted on us]
I do not provide money for therapy.
I have not paid the rent and we are losing our house.

on and on and on and on and on and on . . . .

All just DRAMA fantasy.

Basically if you find the common theme in ALL of this -- They cannot take self-responsibility for ANYTHING. If they did, it would tie back to taking responsibility for the Addiction and getting it cleaned up.

Real Deal -- Some make it, some do not, and even some that manage to not drink, keep the Drunk Mindset.

Meanwhile back to you -- YOU have to do what is right for YOU -- because YOU have to take care of the kid.

That is how I keep it straight. You can only have one number one priority. The kid(s). I have three. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer. She is not the priority.
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:39 PM
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I am curious Hammer; You have stated that your children are your priority (as they should be), and I would like to know how you tell yourself that staying in your particular situation is what is best for your kids. I only ask because I am on the fence about this with my own situation. I waffle back and forth about whether it is better for my DD to stay or go. She will graduate in 2 years, but I don't see things getting better with AH, and I don't know if I can keep up the facade. I just worry so much about disrupting her life and causing her plans for college to go up in smoke just because I am having difficulties with the marital relationship. You seem to have it together, and with a good attitude as well.
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Yurt View Post
I am curious Hammer; You have stated that your children are your priority (as they should be), and I would like to know how you tell yourself that staying in your particular situation is what is best for your kids. I only ask because I am on the fence about this with my own situation. I waffle back and forth about whether it is better for my DD to stay or go. She will graduate in 2 years, but I don't see things getting better with AH, and I don't know if I can keep up the facade. I just worry so much about disrupting her life and causing her plans for college to go up in smoke just because I am having difficulties with the marital relationship. You seem to have it together, and with a good attitude as well.
Yurt, you are probably too kind. As far as me having it together, that is. You might have missed some of my nutty on other threads. And it is 4 to 6 Alanon meetings a week you are hearing come out of my mouth (fingers, I guess) because that is what I am getting in my ears.

Presently Mrs. Hammer is being pretty good with the kids. Total crap to me, but ok with the kids. I personally do not take delivery of her crap, and the rest of us tend to laugh about it. If I were to somehow "crash" the household it would be a total crisis chaos for the kids, and not in keeping with each of their itemized specific request for me to hold things together.

They have individually asked that if mom goes off the deep end again, that they want to know that I "have" them. I have assured them that is the case, and will be so. I have banked up some "months" of money ahead so that if I had to take things down, and take months off work -- I could. Also have backup and family available.

Towards working things better for everyone -- well not so much Mrs. Hammer, but no harm to her, I am:

Working my Step Work -- THAT is good for everyone.
Putting a Science, Math, and Art Club together for the kids.
Lining up fun, vacation(s), trips.
Working on work stuff when I am not goofing off on here or the rest.

You know what I do not have in that whole list? God. I think that He really carries the freight. I mostly just run my mouth. And frequently not to His honor and glory. My bad.


======================

Here are my prayers on this trip. Putting them on here, for if you or anyone else would care to join in. Remember -- YOU HAVE NOT BECAUSE YOU ASK NOT.

Dear God,

Make me a Godly Man; Please direct my thoughts, words and acts to honor You.
Make me a Godly Father; Help us raise Godly children to Your honor and glory.
Make me a Godly Husband; That I may have a Godly wife who: Will Love me and be Loved, Is Open and Honest, Is Well Ordered, and non-Chaos, and has Gratitude. (my Happy Land List)
Make me a Godly Servant; That I may serve my Employers, Customers, Community and Groups to Your Honor and Your Glory.

And make Happy Land be Happy (daughter's adder).

In Jesus Name, Amen.

=================

See THAT is what I want. Now probably God being what and who God is, even if I do not get that, He has something better lined up. All Good, All God. I suppose a Step 11 Prayer would be much smarter, huh? So let's do that, too.

-----------------

Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

----------------

OK. Dear God. Please grant us the knowledge of Your will for us, and grant us the power to carry that out.

==================

Now tell me, Yurt. When we THAT MUCH pulling for us -- what could stand against us?
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Putting a Science, Math, and Art Club together for the kids.
Please tell me you are giving it the name "SMArt Club"!
If not....#missedopportunity
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Old 10-23-2013, 05:12 AM
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Originally Posted by ResignedToWait View Post
Please tell me you are giving it the name "SMArt Club"!
If not....#missedopportunity
wow. wow. Thankssss.

nope. missed that. But not too late . . . .
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Old 10-23-2013, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Yurt, you are probably too kind. As far as me having it together, that is. You might have missed some of my nutty on other threads. And it is 4 to 6 Alanon meetings a week you are hearing come out of my mouth (fingers, I guess) because that is what I am getting in my ears.

Presently Mrs. Hammer is being pretty good with the kids. Total crap to me, but ok with the kids. I personally do not take delivery of her crap, and the rest of us tend to laugh about it. If I were to somehow "crash" the household it would be a total crisis chaos for the kids, and not in keeping with each of their itemized specific request for me to hold things together.

They have individually asked that if mom goes off the deep end again, that they want to know that I "have" them. I have assured them that is the case, and will be so. I have banked up some "months" of money ahead so that if I had to take things down, and take months off work -- I could. Also have backup and family available.

Towards working things better for everyone -- well not so much Mrs. Hammer, but no harm to her, I am:

Working my Step Work -- THAT is good for everyone.
Putting a Science, Math, and Art Club together for the kids.
Lining up fun, vacation(s), trips.
Working on work stuff when I am not goofing off on here or the rest.

You know what I do not have in that whole list? God. I think that He really carries the freight. I mostly just run my mouth. And frequently not to His honor and glory. My bad.


======================

Here are my prayers on this trip. Putting them on here, for if you or anyone else would care to join in. Remember -- YOU HAVE NOT BECAUSE YOU ASK NOT.

Dear God,

Make me a Godly Man; Please direct my thoughts, words and acts to honor You.
Make me a Godly Father; Help us raise Godly children to Your honor and glory.
Make me a Godly Husband; That I may have a Godly wife who: Will Love me and be Loved, Is Open and Honest, Is Well Ordered, and non-Chaos, and has Gratitude. (my Happy Land List)
Make me a Godly Servant; That I may serve my Employers, Customers, Community and Groups to Your Honor and Your Glory.

And make Happy Land be Happy (daughter's adder).

In Jesus Name, Amen.

=================

See THAT is what I want. Now probably God being what and who God is, even if I do not get that, He has something better lined up. All Good, All God. I suppose a Step 11 Prayer would be much smarter, huh? So let's do that, too.

-----------------

Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

----------------

OK. Dear God. Please grant us the knowledge of Your will for us, and grant us the power to carry that out.

==================

Now tell me, Yurt. When we THAT MUCH pulling for us -- what could stand against us?
Wow. Great post. Have nothing to add but a "Thank You". Wow

C-OH Dad
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Old 10-23-2013, 06:27 AM
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Please tell me you are giving it the name "SMArt Club"!
If not....#missedopportunity
Ha!

I read it as "SMAC," as in smac-ing the kids with some healthy, productive ways to cope with their mother's crazies.

I could take a little SMAC.
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Old 10-23-2013, 06:34 AM
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He is trying to hold the baby hostage, because he knows its the only way to be 100% sure that you'll return from this vacation. Have you ever left the two of them alone together? Has he ever had even one full day being the sole caretaker? What if he did? If he's not drinking and you think its safe, what if you left the baby with him for a whole day? Give him what he says he wants, in other words, because he doesn't really want to be left alone with the baby. He wants you to cancel your trip as insurance that you won't leave him.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:08 AM
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First, I am sorry. Last year I felt the exact same way. I heard a lot of threats, I spend a lot of money trying to figure out if my stbxah could actually do what he threatened. After a while, I stopped believing that he actually had any power. It took me a long time to realize that I had parental rights too.... For me, the bark was always worse than the bite. My stbxah is still very very very angry at me, but now the threats don't bother me quite as much.
As for staying or going, I left our marital residence with our 2 yr old at the time, I was to attached to him and his recovery that I had a hard time detaching so living with him did not work for me. I was having such a hard time with work and taking care of our daughter that I had to get out to save myself and my sanity. Now I am more detached and could probably live with him in "recovery" but I now don't want to. Isn't that ironic???
I feel like I missed out on time with our daughter because I was so worried about what he was or wasn't doing. Do whatever allows you to be the most present with your child.
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