NeedSomeHappy

Friday night, my AH went to the liquor store and bought something called Grappa. It is a distilled-from-grapes liquor, 80 proof, and expensive at $25 for a 325ml bottle. (About half the amount in a regular wine bottle). I tasted it and decided I didn't like it. He poured this 80-proof stuff into a wine glass as though it were regular wine, and put the rest in the freezer.

The next morning at 6am I was awoken by AH who wanted to talk. We have been having many issues, obviously - and he wanted to make sure I knew that he had researched it and was NOT a psychopath. (something I had never called him) He also wanted to make sure I knew I was just as much to blame for our problems as he was, and that he had eavesdropped on a conversation I was having on the phone with my dad about leaving him. He said I have an Elektra complex (WAY off base) and - this was the most horrible thing - said I was responsible for my cat's death 10 days ago because 'cats feed off their human's negative energy'. (My sweet boy had a urinary blockage and passed at the emergency clinic.)

I did not know until he had gone to work (after consuming a couple beers) that he had finished the grappa that same night. The entire bottle. Half an average wine bottle of 80 proof booze. PLUS regular wine - 2 tumblers worth. I found the empty bottle in the bottom of the trash.

Yesterday - 3 tumblers of wine before work. A 6 pack after.

I was so confused, reeling, and hurt from the things he said - he actually made me doubt myself. He made me feel guilty. He made me question my reality. Until I found the empty bottle, then it clicked.

He has a much more serious problem than I have been willing to admit to myself, it seems.

I feel as though he is sucking the life out of me. I have to say - I feel more justified leaving now. I can't be crazy.

Wisconsin

One of the things that happened as I went from being willing to stay, to wanting to get away as fast as I can, was this exact thing. For YEARS, I would start to doubt myself when he abused me verbally, unless I knew he had been drinking. Then I somehow knew he was full of crap. As I became more and more ready to leave, it no longer mattered if I "knew" he was drinking or not. I came to understand that he is far enough in his disease that it affects his rationality and sanity all the time, whether he is actually drinking or not in that moment. I came to that understanding, and it actually became soooo much easier to ignore the bile he spews all the time, regardless of whether he's drinking. My AH is also HUGE on the whole "psychiatric diagnosis" thing, telling me constantly what he believes my neuroses and problems are.

Trust yourself. ((hugs))

AnvilheadII

no, you are NOT crazy...you are just living there! don't buy one single solitary thing that comes out of his mouth.

3 tumblers of wine BEFORE work - where in the hell does he work that he can get away with that???? geezus.

if you need an extra vote to leave, you have mine!!!!

NeedSomeHappy

Wisconsin - I am finally learning to trust myself. Thank you for the encouragement!

Anvil - he works at a bbq place part time - he can drink that much and not even seem affected. It's scary! He just pops some altoids and chews peppermints all day...

I am realizing how deeply I have become entrenched in the sh*t here. I am rapidly progressing from wanting a separation to give him a chance to do better to wanting a divorce ASAP and never looking back.

Wisconsin

I spent the first two years of my AH's relapse fantasizing about issuing a final ultimatum to him, once I was healthier emotionally and ready to follow through on an ultimatum to leave. As I got healthier and healthier, I cared less and less about it. The more I was emotionally ready to leave, the more I became sure that I should just leave and be done with it.

We're twinsies!

NeedSomeHappy

YAY! That actually makes me feel better - he is good about making me feel like a bad person for wanting to 'abandon' the marriage and 'abandon' his daughter. The balls on this guy...ugh!

Wisconsin

Yep, I get a lot of "what's going to happen to [insert our son's name here] if you leave me?" One time I was stupid enough to say "well, he won't grow up seeing someone knock back 6-18 cans of beer every single day, every day, thinking it's normal!" There is a lot of "you can't make it without me" in my experience. And once he tried the "if you leave me, you'll have TWO divorces!" Honestly, a big emotional block for me was accepting the fact that I will be divorced TWICE before I'm 40. But him saying that made me realize how stupid it is.

Message me anytime, sister!

RhodeIsland

Take away the power - recognize all the terrible, cruel, ignorant accusations, assertions - ALL of it as his quacks. See the absurdity in them, and don't try to take them to heart. You wouldn't listen to a random homeless drunk on the street cursing you - you'd likely laugh as long as you weren't in fear for your physical safety. Recognize a duck for a duck, and the quack for a quack. Then, you can take a moment and laugh at the quack.

Yes, it's obvious to all of us here you caused your cats urinary blockage. In fact, upon googling it appears that during heat waves, people can be so miserable that their innocent cats suffer and die. It has nothing to do with dehydration, lack of shade. Nope, it's our negative energy.

I'm not a psychopath - I just listen through the door to your phone calls with your dad. I googled it, you can trust me - I gave myself an honest assessment and I am not a psychopath. Quaaaack!

You're equal to blame for our problems. My continued excessive alcoholic drinking and associated misbehaviors are equal to _lowblowattack_, _takenout ofcontextattack_, and _alreadysettledthelasttimewefoughtattack_. QUACK QUACK QUACK

I hope you not only feel justified to leave - that you recognize it's justification is not necessary. You don't owe anyone an explanation. The only person you owe an explanation to is yourself: Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way? I don't mean this as an insult, or to make you feel bad. When we ask "Should I leave or put up with him? He's sick, he's this, he's that, he might change. if it gets this bad, then it's unacceptable and then I'll leave" we don't ask "What is it that I deserve, what do I need" and that ought to be the question. Framing a debate whether in our minds or on the TV regarding current events is key to how reality is perceived.

I'm sorry you've been put through this. You didn't cause it, and you didn't deserve it. No one does.

NWGRITS

He abandoned you, not the other way around. You're not crazy. My heart goes out to you. I know this isnt easy. (((Hugs)))

BlueSkies1

I know what grappa is and what effect it has...it's nasty stuff.

I can it a "chemical lobotomy".

NeedSomeHappy

Thank you all so very much...words of encouragement I very much needed today. ((hugs)) to all of you!!

So far - my plan is to head out on Friday. I will absolutely let you all know how it goes!

lillamy

I spent so many years finding justification to leave.
Somehow, I felt like the fact that I was miserable and that the kids were miserable wasn't enough. I felt like I needed someone (not sure who) or a majority (of a jury of 12 of my peers or what?) to tell me it was OK to leave.

I think it was partly because I didn't want other people to see me as a "bad person" but it was also partly because I was afraid to leave. Because I somewhere knew that the pressure my AH put me under in our marriage would get a hundredfold worse if I said "I am leaving you."

I found so many arguments against leaving. I would be poor and the kids would suffer. AH had more lawyers than you could shake a stick at at his beck'n call. The children needed their father. I was strong enough and could handle it. God would turn my husband around if only I believed strongly enough. Etc., etc., etc.

I think I was able to come up with as many reasons for staying as AXH could come up with for drinking. And maybe for the same reason: Change is scary and uncomfortable.

Someone here gave me a quote that I still have on my fridge. It says: "Nobody ever died from being uncomfortable."

I couldn't leave until I hit my bottom. If AXH had hit his before I hit mine, we may still have been together. But once I hit my bottom, there was no hesitation, no turning back. That's why I know you can never tell someone to leave. Any more than you can tell an alcoholic to stop drinking.

We all have to get to that point where we KNOW. And then we can act.

Lots of hugs.

NeedSomeHappy

Thanks so much lillamy. I sort of came to the realization after this weekend that it has become me vs an A in some kind of psychological and emotional warfare where I have always been an active participant, defending myself and attempting to protect him too. It is so exhausting...in every way. I have endured, taken my lumps...and enough is enough. I am taking my toys and going home, I don't want to participate anymore.

I DO deserve better...and I won't know what 'better' is until I get out of this toxic cycle with my AH and work on me.

I don't even remember what being in a relationship with someone 'normal' was like...someone who was sober and didn't get high on a regular basis, who didn't have a criminal record and a suspended license, who managed to support themselves and took care of their business. It almost seems like something that only exists in books and movies to me now...but someday, when I am ready, I hope to finally find someone stable, secure, HEALTHY...and worthy of me.

marie1960

When they start sucking the life right out of you, and you cannot breathe because it feels like there is an elephant sitting on top of you, it's definitely time to move on.


Needsomehappy, YOU are NOT crazy at all, in fact, you are very wise in your thoughts and words.

Also, when we can remove ourselves from the daily madness, it doesn't take long for the big picture to appear, and believe me, you will see in a definite brighter light.

Sending you strength, and wishing you peace.

isitme

LOVE THIS!!!

steelman1649

I would not feel safe in that environment! It is only a matter of time until he gets a DUI on the way to work. The quacking is ridiculous. What are you doing for yourself to stay healthy?

NYCDoglvr

This is fairly typical distorted alcoholic thinking and the only way it stops is if the alcoholic decides to put down booze for good. It is a progressive disease, which is why his consumption has -- and will continue -- to increase. There is nothing you -- or anyone -- can do or say that will keep someone from drinking so the only question is: is this what you want for your life. I recommend Alanon.

NeedSomeHappy

For me - I am getting out...simply because, like a few others here, once the trust and respect are gone, I am no longer able to look at him as a partner.

I still love him, and care for him greatly. Unfortunately, I am unable to continue in the relationship as it is, because I cannot accept him the way he is now. It is hard to detach but I am working at it. As Hammer put it - I don't want to go down with the ship.

I dread going home, I dread going anywhere with him. We almost always seem to have this awkwardness between us. That pressure that lillamy described...I feel that. I feel that if I come out and say 'I am leaving you' then my chest will just implode from the pressure of it all. Fear is the mind-killer, yet there I sat, day in and day out, letting the fear drive me. Putting AH first. Enabling him, protecting him, bailing him out, buying him booze because I rationalized that it was better than him drinking at the bar, and hey it's 'better than it was'...paying for anything he needed with my unchecked codependency running rampant, even though I KNEW that he always prioritized his money for his marijuana and booze. I found myself fantasizing about death, about just disappearing, ceasing to exist. Fantasized how I would make that happen. Fantasized how much easier it would be to just...not be. I felt like I had been eaten by a wolf and sh*t off a cliff.

My family, a few friends, and this forum helped me realize I had been thinking about this all wrong. ALL. WRONG. I have one life...and I will be damned if I will let him - or anyone - take it away from me. I choose not to let one person have enough power over me to destroy me. It is that simple. It still hurts like hell, but it really is that black and white.

There are several al-anon groups where I am going, and I plan to check them out and find one that works for me. I am also going to dust off the old camera, go for some hikes and take some pictures of the forest I love so much. I always wanted to learn to paint...maybe I will just have to get started. Maybe learn a new language, catch up on the stack of books I have been wanting to read...it's funny because all AH and I really do is sit and watch tv, but it never fails...I crack a book and he starts talking!

Thank you all for helping me through this. I am more grateful than you can imagine!

Yurt

Needsomehappy,
As I read your last post, I was alarmed about your statements that implied that death would be better than continuing on, but I was also reminded about a conversation that I had with my AH recently. His 92 year old mother passed away this Summer, and he was (in my opinion) fairly emotionless. What he told me was that he kept thoughts of her as she was when she was alive, and did not dwell on her death, which was an event that we expected. He also told me that if our daughter, or myself died, that he would not mourn us either. That life carries on and he would just move forward. Those statements made me a bit sad, because it means that I would have lived on this Earth, and would not even be missed by the one that supposedly loved me the most. Please consider that you are worth more than that if you reach those depths again.

NeedSomeHappy

Yurt - I don't know you and I would mourn for you if something happened. I am sorry that his insensitive statement hurt you

I will keep in mind that I am worth more...I am convincing myself of that daily Thank you for reaching out! ((hug))