Dad died yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
Dad died yesterday
Sorry, just needed to say a few things here that are difficult to say anywhere else.
Dad died yesterday, ironically due liver cancer tho he was never a big drinker.
AH who has been on a binge basically since last Christmas and has never helped one little bit with Dad's illness is now off drink and doing my head in.
AH has had a big scare with alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis and is very unwell himself at the moment. We are in a dire financial situation as he lost his job months ago but continued to spend big time on excursions abroad with the women he met in rehab, alcohol and anything else that was important to him.
I am in the middle of selling the house and trying to find somewhere else, within my means, to live. I don't know how I'm going to pay the mortgage until then as all the money has gone.
I stupidly said he could stay with me until he was in a state of mind where he could make his own decisions........am starting to regret it now, even tho it makes me feel like I'm abandoning him when he really wants help.
I'm just not sure I can help.....after 13 years of trying to help I'm not sure I can now.
I now have my Dads funeral to arrange, need to help Mum through all this, need to be there for daughters wedding in 4 weeks , and AH still thinks I should be there for him.......oh and in in between all this there is work (who are very understanding and I'm not likely to lose my job) but with reduced hours comes reduced pay and reduced ability to cope with bills.
Just very mixed up at the moment......
Dad died yesterday, ironically due liver cancer tho he was never a big drinker.
AH who has been on a binge basically since last Christmas and has never helped one little bit with Dad's illness is now off drink and doing my head in.
AH has had a big scare with alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis and is very unwell himself at the moment. We are in a dire financial situation as he lost his job months ago but continued to spend big time on excursions abroad with the women he met in rehab, alcohol and anything else that was important to him.
I am in the middle of selling the house and trying to find somewhere else, within my means, to live. I don't know how I'm going to pay the mortgage until then as all the money has gone.
I stupidly said he could stay with me until he was in a state of mind where he could make his own decisions........am starting to regret it now, even tho it makes me feel like I'm abandoning him when he really wants help.
I'm just not sure I can help.....after 13 years of trying to help I'm not sure I can now.
I now have my Dads funeral to arrange, need to help Mum through all this, need to be there for daughters wedding in 4 weeks , and AH still thinks I should be there for him.......oh and in in between all this there is work (who are very understanding and I'm not likely to lose my job) but with reduced hours comes reduced pay and reduced ability to cope with bills.
Just very mixed up at the moment......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Sending support and sympathy toward the loss of your father.
It's OK to take care of yourself, to not abandon yourself, before others, like putting the oxygen on yourself on a plane before helping a child. And remember your husband is not a child, but an adult!
Sending thoughts of deep, slow breaths...
CLMI
It's OK to take care of yourself, to not abandon yourself, before others, like putting the oxygen on yourself on a plane before helping a child. And remember your husband is not a child, but an adult!
Sending thoughts of deep, slow breaths...
CLMI
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SurvivingAgain, please accept my condolences on the passing of your father. Having been through the loss of parents, I think I understand where your heart must be, now.You sure do have a lot of major thing on your plate, right now.Sometimes our plates get so full, we wonder how we will balance it. But, somehow, we manage to go forth.
Sadly, I will remind you not to expect anything from your husband right now--as badly as you would like to--expect NOTHING. This is how it is with active alcoholics---they have their alcohol for company and they are literally oblivious to our needs most every time!!!
Resist feeling guilt. That is not a helpful emotion for you, right now. You need all your energy to take care of your self.
My blessings to you at this very difficult time.
Do you know about alanon?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm so sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry your AH can't even see far enough beyond his own nose to see what YOU need.
It's OK to change your mind.
It's OK to tell him you can't handle having him there anymore, that he has to find another place to live.
I know you will get through this.
You sound very strong and determined even if you don't feel like it.
Focus on yourself and your mother.
And remember that your AH is an adult (even if he hasn't behaved like one) whom you owe nothing.
And I'm sorry your AH can't even see far enough beyond his own nose to see what YOU need.
It's OK to change your mind.
It's OK to tell him you can't handle having him there anymore, that he has to find another place to live.
I know you will get through this.
You sound very strong and determined even if you don't feel like it.
Focus on yourself and your mother.
And remember that your AH is an adult (even if he hasn't behaved like one) whom you owe nothing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
I am so sorry for your loss, and all that you are going through right now. I agree with the above posters that you must take care of yourself first, as much as possible.
It's great that you have this forum where you can state all the things that you feel are difficult to say elsewhere. Sometimes writing things down gives us a clarity that helps organize our priorities and better understand how we can help ourselves through the difficult times.
Hugs,
B
It's great that you have this forum where you can state all the things that you feel are difficult to say elsewhere. Sometimes writing things down gives us a clarity that helps organize our priorities and better understand how we can help ourselves through the difficult times.
Hugs,
B
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your Dad ~
I remember how overwhelming it felt when I went thru that ~ my sponsor gave me a good suggestion - ODAT - First things first - do what is necessary today and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.
I agree with lillamy ~ I believe it is perfectly ok to tell your AH that due to certain changes - it is no longer healthy for you to continue with the current arrangement ~ it is necessary for him to leave now, or by the end of the week, or by _____. whatever date you choose.
Remember although we may not be able to control all things, we can control some. The ones that we can ~ it is always a good option to choose what is healthiest for ourselves. That leads to self-respect, dignity and self-love ~ it gives others the opportunity to share the same with us.
gentle loving pink hugs
I remember how overwhelming it felt when I went thru that ~ my sponsor gave me a good suggestion - ODAT - First things first - do what is necessary today and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.
I agree with lillamy ~ I believe it is perfectly ok to tell your AH that due to certain changes - it is no longer healthy for you to continue with the current arrangement ~ it is necessary for him to leave now, or by the end of the week, or by _____. whatever date you choose.
Remember although we may not be able to control all things, we can control some. The ones that we can ~ it is always a good option to choose what is healthiest for ourselves. That leads to self-respect, dignity and self-love ~ it gives others the opportunity to share the same with us.
gentle loving pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Sadly, I will remind you not to expect anything from your husband right now--as badly as you would like to--expect NOTHING.
I agree 100% with dandylion above: My XA was basically useless through the whole ordeal, even though I knew he wanted to be helpful.
I am sending understanding, strength and encouragement your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
please accept my condolences on your loss. how very heartbreaking for you.
there is only so much you to go around. it's ok to change you mind in the midst of all this chaos and tell your AH to take care of himself, for once in his damn life. you have enough going on. no guilt. fixing him is not your job, never was.
there are those that TRULY need your love and compassion right now, YOU first, your dear mom, your daughter.
there is only so much you to go around. it's ok to change you mind in the midst of all this chaos and tell your AH to take care of himself, for once in his damn life. you have enough going on. no guilt. fixing him is not your job, never was.
there are those that TRULY need your love and compassion right now, YOU first, your dear mom, your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
My condolences to you and your family, SurvivingAgain. I hope that you have wonderful memories of your father to carry with you.
I think I would tell your AH that if he requires support there is a little organization called AA that could provide the understanding, help and support he needs; there are other people that are higher priorities for your support now.
I wish you peace and comfort in the coming days.
I think I would tell your AH that if he requires support there is a little organization called AA that could provide the understanding, help and support he needs; there are other people that are higher priorities for your support now.
I wish you peace and comfort in the coming days.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
No words can ever express the sorrow you must feel over losing your Dad. Whenever you need to talk or vent--everyone is always here to lend our listening ears. We are all sending our prayers & ((HUGS)) to help you through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I'm so sorry for your loss, SA. I wish you patience and peace. That would be so hard to have all on your plate that you have right now. It seems that when it rains, it pours. I agree that it is okay for you to change your mind on your arrangement with your AH. If he doesn't understand, it's just his disease in action. I also would try not to feel guilty. The way that you grieve is the way that you grieve. You are going to have to go through it either way, so you might as well be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
It seems to me that this is about priorities. Start with YOU, then work your way outward to those you really have a responsibility toward: (I'm guessing) daughter, mom, AH. You choose how you fit in the material stuff like the house and work, but I'm guessing AH is going to be last anyway you arrange it. If you don't have anything left to give him, so be it. What does he have to offer you?
It seems to me that this is about priorities. Start with YOU, then work your way outward to those you really have a responsibility toward: (I'm guessing) daughter, mom, AH. You choose how you fit in the material stuff like the house and work, but I'm guessing AH is going to be last anyway you arrange it. If you don't have anything left to give him, so be it. What does he have to offer you?
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