Lulu39

If you read this board you will see that there are very, very, VERY few of us who believe in the notion of a "functional alcoholic".

Those members who live with alcoholics (and YEAH BABY I'm not one!) are doing their own thing, in Al Anon working their own program and most likely DON'T think it's OK that their loved one is a drunk.

You don't sound at peace. You sound pretty angry and pissed off.

theseithakas

Upset, I've been wary to post in any of your threads, but I'm wondering if it will help you to share my perspective.

I am a criminal defense attorney. More specifically, I am a public defender. Even more specifically, I'm a public defender who works in some of the most crime-ridden jurisdictions in the state where I practice. I understand first-hand how unfair the justice system is - I see it play out every day. Literally.

The thing is, as a lawyer, it's my job to worry about minimizing consequences for my clients. Many of them are involved in drugs in one way or another. It's not your job, as a parent, to worry about minimizing consequences for you son. Leave that to his lawyer. And dare I say, leave that to his court-appointed lawyer. Many PDs get a bad rap, but I can tell you that I and all of the other PDs that I know care more about our job and our clients than anything else, and work our butts off to make sure that everything goes as best it can.

I'm not sure how well I'm articulating this, but the point is - take care of yourself. Your son will have an attorney appointed to him to look out for his interests. That's not something you need to be involved in. You should worry about you! Tell the police you don't want to talk to them anymore (you're well within your rights to do so), and get about the business of going to meetings, counseling, and/or continuing to post and read on SR.

By the way, I say this not only as someone who is a PD, but as someone who lives with an alcoholic who is struggling with recovery. And no, I don't think it's okay that he's an alcoholic. I can tell you with no hesitation that if he got arrested for something related to drinking I would neither bail him out nor help him hire an attorney. He's an adult. His choices, his consequences.

dandylion

Dear upset, I know of what you speak. I hve worked in the innercity of DC.--and my son has been in jail.

As a mother--my heart goes out to you.

You will always love him as your son. His life is not over; never give up hope. Remember the guy that Hammer told you about?

Keep the faith.

dandylion

m1k3

I think it might be a good idea if everyone turned it down a notch. The OP is obviously hurting. I know when I first came here I was in a lot of pain and looking for solutions to what I thought my problems were. Lucky for me there were a lot of good people here that pointed out to me my problems were my problems were inside me and I had a lot of work to do to fix them before I could could even think about fixing anyone else.

Turns out that as I worked on myself and I learned how to let go and let god. I had more than enough issues of my own to keep me busy.

Upset, anyone who is here is here because of of the pain of loving an addict. While their problems are not the same as yours they are hurting just as bad.

What I found that worked for me was lots of reading and posting here and attending AlAnon. They gave me the tools to start fixing my life, which to be honest is the only life I can fix.

((((Hugs))))

Your friend,

dandylion

One saying that I have heard around recovery circles---I think it comes from AA--is:

"Say what you mean; mean what you say; but, don't say it Mean!"


dandylion

Seren

Good morning, upsetnneedhelp,

I'm sorry you have been hassled by the police because of the actions of your son. Although I'm not sure, I believe you are well within your rights to obtain your own lawyer to protect yourself from continued, unchecked questions and any further repercussions of your son's actions.

I hope your son will be assigned a public defender soon. Whether or not you want to put up with the screening required to visit your son in a maximum security prison is entirely your choice. I think we can all understand not looking forward to the process.

On another note....Ladies and Gentlemen, if this thread or member triggers you, then it's time to push away from the keyboard, take a walk, and possibly make use of the Ignore Function here.

Upsetnneedhelp

I talked to him this morning and some of the charges are being reduced. Because he had such a good driving record he was going to take classes for a Commercial Drivers License and drive for the Salvation Army. Of course, thats probably not possible as he committed his offense in a friends car. I told him that my funds are limited and he will only be getting the occassional canteen deposit. He's back at the same prison he left from so in a way I guess it's good. It's back to the daily routine for him.

choublak

This is kind of off topic, but I used to live in Northwest Indiana and I remember East Chicago because of the Casa Blanca restaurant.

Seren

I'm glad you were able to talk to him, Upset. I hope you are doing OK.

Upsetnneedhelp

We are from that area. My son had become well known with the police there.

Upsetnneedhelp

Im doing okay. I'm accepting his decision to be a violent criminal. There is no need to suger coat it. Of course, no one here ever described it as anything less. I am a bit amazed at the lack of acceptance in people. If you are posting here then your loved one is a alcoholic or drug addict. There is no functional alcoholics. It is a oxymoron.

Fathom

"If we had no faults of our own, we should not take so much pleasure in noticing those in others."
-Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“When anyone is going wrong, it is a mistake to warn him not to go further. It is also a mistake to leave him alone. The proper course is to call his attention to something better, and frame our conversation in such a way that he becomes wholly absorbed in the better. He will then forget his old mistakes, his old faults and his old desires, and will give all his life and power to the building of that better which has engaged his new interest.”
-Christian D. Larson

Peace.

honeypig

I can only imagine you are reading some other forum than this one if you think all here are in denial about their A's, who they really are and what they do. Yes, those posting here are well aware that their loved one is an alcoholic. You do not see most of us agonizing over how they simply can't help it b/c they are poor, b/c the system didn't help them enough, etc., etc., and showing zero concern for those they have harmed.

Here is part of what is particularly triggering to me about your posts: My father's wife was a cashier at a store that was held up at gunpoint by someone perhaps much like your son. She was an older woman, a very gentle and timid soul, and I don't know that she ever quite recovered from the experience. It is really hard for me to feel bad for your situation when it seems you have absolutely no concern for the victims of crime but only worries about the societal factors that "forced" the criminal to commit the act.

It is truly beyond me why you are being treated with kid gloves here by the moderators when, as others have mentioned, all you seem to want to do is attack and provoke other members while refusing to even consider any of the ESH being shared w/you. Post your problems, sure, but don't keep telling us WE are in denial, WE have no idea what we're talking about.

I do understand that you're in pain, but I don't see that as an excuse for you to treat others here the way you have been.

I fully expect this post to be removed, and I'm sure you will have another locked thread to your credit soon.

m1k3

Upset, some of the terms here are unique to this site. A functional alcoholic is usually one who is an alcoholic but still has enough control to hide it from most of the world. Even his family is confused about his drinking because he is so good at switching the blame back on them.

Also denial is a normal reaction to the problem. No one wants to believe their loved one is an alcoholic or that they can't fix the problem. In my case I put up with it for many years before I finally accepted she was an alcoholic and an addict.

I got to the point where I would lay in bed at night thinking I can't wait until I'm dead so I won't have to deal with this anymore. As you can imagine this is not a good place to be.

Thanks to this site and AlAnon I have learned how move beyond that, see reality as it is, and focused on the problems I had from all those years of living with an A.

Life does get better.


Your friend,

Seren

Ladies and Gentlemen, for now this thread is closed. I will reopen it once I have time to review it.