Skymitchg

I haven't posted in a while, and I'm still running in the same circles. I am questioning ah fidelity, but have no proof, just intuition. He is guarding his phone, takes it with him everywhere it is always on him. We had a big talk at the end of summer and he said he would stop drinking, that lasted a day or two. When drinking he can be mean to everyone else, adult daughters, son, my mom but normally isn't to me. Over the last few weeks he has been all of a sudden extra helpful , nice, and making overtures more than normal, even came to two family functions. I have not nagged or mentioned all the beer he has been drinking , or the fact that he is drunk quite a few nights of the week. Like I said he is not mean to me but I feel like I am dealing with a severly handicapped person, he makes no sense and is just plain stupid. Last Night he went out and didn't come home till 5:30 this morning. Today he acts like all is great with this world. So I asked him if I was supposed to be ok with him coming home at that time. I tried calling and texting but phone went straight to voicemail..he says it was dead... How convienient. He said I should not be ok with him coming home at that time but then started with the excuses in an angry voice. So I said you are angry with me because I am upset and I guess I am not supposed to be upset because you have all these excuses. I told him I really am starting to think there is someone else .. He denies. But then propositions me later( I had just told him I was so tired I felt dizzy and I said I am mad and upset with you, that is really not in my scope right now). And it all stays the same. I know I can't control it, and am not trying. I know I can't cure it, I know I did not cause it. I can only change me. I know this is not how I want my life to be. I deserve happiness. But I can't seem to make those words come out. I feel stuck.
I have a lot of good in my life, I do a lot of things I like to do. I work, I volunteer with a youth group, I do a lot with ds, I decorate cakes, I am a Halloween nut, I have fur babies that I love. I have a9yr old son and two adult daugters and 4grandaighters. I have trials too, a mother who is disabled living with me, a son who has ADHD.... Do I really need an ah as well? It's hard thouh because he can be nice, I love him, and he is somewhat helpful.

Skymitchg

Oh yes any thoughts on how to respond to manipulation? When we were talking this morning he said " I just won't go out any more on weekends" in this angry voice. Well that would be how most couples are, most couples one doesn't go out till all hours every weekend, most couples go places together. What is wrong with me that I immediately feel bad, feel like I am taking something away, feel like I should say no go out have fun??? Sometimes I feel insane.

Woohoo

I think gut instinct is there for a reason. But, most of all listen to your heart and ask yourself what you really want. I would be upset if my husband was out till 5:30 am with no explanation and says his phone is dead. Trust is the foundation of marriage.
Good luck

Skymitchg

Thank you. Happens regularly. I know this is not how I want my life to be, having a real hard time letting go. Tired of the guilts to "she knew I drank when we got together" yes but he didn't seem stupid after 2 beers back then, he didn't lose his license taken away back then, it didn't seem to be as necessary as breathing back then, he took me out places with him back then. I have the problem because I don't like beer.

NWGRITS

My gut is always right, but I rarely listen to it. I'm not saying that proves your intuition is correct, but... What kind of life do you want for yourself, is the big question here. One that is happy and relativelu stress free, or one that is plagued by constant worries, doubts, and nagging feelings of your AH's possible infidelity?

Woohoo

I found an old SR post about manipulators you might get some insight from

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nipulator.html

CarryOn

Hi Skymitch,

I wouldn't dismiss your intuition. I think one of the things I am most upset with myself for is disregarding my intuition about RAH's lies when he kept telling me he had quit though he hadn't. For me, it would be completely unacceptable for RAH to have stayed out until 5:30 in the morning. My RAH also had a tendency to shut off his phone or forget it places...we're beyond that now, thankfully!

I'll out my untreated self (before counseling & AlAnon). RAH became very attached to his phone when he was drinking. He could get very chatty when drinking so would call people randomly as I didn't care to socialize with him when he was drinking. He has a password protected phone which he would not give me the password for. One night when he was passed out, I got hold of it and figured out the password. From his texts, I could piece together the days he was drinking and could then tell when he had started up again after quitting. There were also general gripes about me. Now I don't touch it - I stand by the saying that more will be revealed...I don't need to seek out things to upset myself and really, what am I going to do with the information I get?

Are you going to AlAnon? If not, I would strongly suggest it. It will help you focus on yourself so you can detach and also learn nothing productive comes from trying to argue/talk to/reason with an A. It will also help you identify the patterns of behavior & communication within your relationship so you can change your behavior/communication. Once I started to recognize the manipulation, I would identify it to myself and not allow myself to be sucked in - sometimes it was walking away, sometimes changing the subject, sometimes calling him on it. Counseling & AlAnon helped me with this. No, you're not insane...this is what they do. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

dandylion

Skymitch---you don't have to live like this. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else. I imagine that you have a lot of fears surrounding the loss of the "security" of the marriage (lots of people do). That is o.k. if this is true--(I am going out on a limb and spitballing, here). With help, we can face and move beyond our fears.

Don't let anything block you from the happiness and peace of mind that you want.

You are capable of much more that you realize (we all are).

sincerely,
dandylion

Seren

I understand that stuck, unhappy feeling because I felt that way with my ex-husband. My ex did have an affair, then filed for divorce.

A book that I read during that time was 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay'. It can be helpful in sorting through it all, all that has happened, all the emotions.

Sending hugs!

KateL

My ex gave up drinking around the same time as me and has recently gone back to it. He says he has control which is rubbish so I have sent him on his way. Such a relief!

marie1960

"Should intuition be trusted?" (Skymitchg)

YES! Absolutely!

IMHO, his guarding of his phone, and not coming home until 5:30 in the morning, a definite red flag.

I will say it as simply as I can, Men/women in committed relationships do not stay out all night, they do NOT just up and disappear. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong. And as far as his phone being dead, that's a load of CRAP!

I don't have a crystal ball, so I cannot tell you if he is out drugging, or womanizing or both, but his actions are clearly disrespectful of you, your feelings, and needs.

His actions clearly say, he is not available to be in a committed relationship at this time.

You are correct, nothing will change. You want change? Be the change.

I would be asking myself why I continue to accept his unacceptable actions. His problems are his problems, your current life situation is now about you, time to turn the focus inward.

You certainly deserve so much more.

Catherine628

I have been in this situation where my AH always kept his phone with him and he was impossible to get in touch with. My instincts were dead on about an affair but I was in such denial I believed his flimsy excuses. One thing that really helped was journaling. I saw patterns in behavior, his and mine. I had to make very tough decisions and it helps to go back and read my journal and say, "Oh yea, it really was that bad and I really did have to take action for my own sanity."

marie1960

He continues to show you who he really is.

You can choose to believe him.

And for your own health and safety, I would be running to the doctor and being screened for STD's.

Skymitchg

Whoohoo thank you so much for that link, I read the whole post and found myself going yep, yep...wow didn't think of that one....I'm beginning to think the "help" I get from him is also another form of manipulation . He will do something and then make sure you know he did it or make a big show of doing it or complain about it. Wouldn't people in a normal relationship share the workload? Should I applaud because he did the dishes one day out of 7?

Woohoo

You're so welcome Sky. I am glad the link helped! I hope you have a better day and get some peace of mind about everything. The main thing is take care of YOU! I read a book years ago that really touched me and I was nodding all the way through it. It is called Co-Dependant no more..by Melody Beattie, I highly suggest you read it.

FireSprite

Yes, absolutely, our gut instincts should be given consideration.

I am lucky enough to have an RAH that has been willing to go back through some of our history of his drinking days & discuss it with me/answer my questions about past behavior sometimes. He confirmed for me that my instincts were literally never off when it came to knowing when he was deceiving me. And that the harder I would push & closer to the truths that I got, the angrier & more outrageous he became in retaliation.

Leana

My gut very rarely lets me down. My kids calls it my built in "lie detector test".

LifeRecovery

Does it matter if he is messing around or not?

I mean more of the fact that I struggled walking on eggshells because of the alcohol use, this was just another behavior I felt like I needed to tip toe around.

Finally I realized that if I could not trust myself in my relationship it was probably not much of one to start with.

I am just (three years later) coming to understand the full breach of trust in his behavior, but for me in myself.....the internal struggle of trying to make something congruent (that he care about me) when his behavior said that he was not in a place that there was room for that in his life.

nbay2013

Thanks for reposting this. I had not seen it, and all I can say is "Wow". How do you know my ExAB! LOL.

steelman1649

My instincts were correct in a similair situation. It's all the crazy specifics that go running through your mind that can lead you down the wrong path. Innocent things start becoming suspicious and you can drive yourself crazy. Big picture instincts are usually dead on.