Um... Was that a... um date?
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Um... Was that a... um date?
Okay, so this morning I took my son to a playgroup for kids of single parents (For those who don't know, I've been split from his A dad for a little less than 3 mos.). So who sniffs each other out in the first 5 minutes of arrival but the two codies who co-parent with alcoholics? Well, maybe there were more there, but we didn't give them a chance to join up, because we were instantly bonding over our woes. So this guy offers to take me and my son to brunch and we go and bond over our woes some more and it's nice and validating, but I have this funny feeling. I can smell this guy's (untreated) codependency. It's even similar to how my ex A acted in the beginning of our relationship.
So I'm writing about this here because I need witnesses: I am both apprehensive and grateful. I know what I need to do right now and it does not involve dating. It involves focusing on me and my son. Still, I long for validation and companionship and those are tricky because those longings are part of my disease. I am grateful to be in a position where I have the opportunity to really examine this and make a truly wise decision. I'm grateful for a potential new friend who knows what alcoholism can do to a relationship, especially when we are coparents with A's.
I saw some potential red flags (like saying that his parenting style was just like mine when I described it - not so sure about that; and his unwillingness to give Al anon a sho - "I. resisted it forsho so long. You don't need it if the A isn't in your life."). Anyway, it's cool to hang out with a single dad because you know right away what kind of parenting they do.
So I'm writing about this here because I need witnesses: I am both apprehensive and grateful. I know what I need to do right now and it does not involve dating. It involves focusing on me and my son. Still, I long for validation and companionship and those are tricky because those longings are part of my disease. I am grateful to be in a position where I have the opportunity to really examine this and make a truly wise decision. I'm grateful for a potential new friend who knows what alcoholism can do to a relationship, especially when we are coparents with A's.
I saw some potential red flags (like saying that his parenting style was just like mine when I described it - not so sure about that; and his unwillingness to give Al anon a sho - "I. resisted it forsho so long. You don't need it if the A isn't in your life."). Anyway, it's cool to hang out with a single dad because you know right away what kind of parenting they do.
Well, at least, you know that y our antennae are in good working order!Engineer Things; LOVE People
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
And I won't hit on you. 
---------------------------
Funny topic.
It just feels soooooo . . . . good for the sanity check.
Chatted with a cross-AA-Alanoner after the Alanoon meeting, today. Went saying hi in the "other room," ran across a woman I met at the Summer AA party.
And Yes, Dandy. Cute. She is Very Cute. Very. Great thing her hubby was around, just hanging out, too. Actually patiently waiting for her to finish talking with me. Good guy.
She is familiar with Mrs. Hammer, and has seen some of Mrs. Hammer's "persona flips," and has been concerned for the kids. Want the inside track with me . . . . it is the kids. But they run in different circles -- so she is way outside the Gossip Girl group.
We talked about the Mental Disorders that track along with Long-Term A-hood, and she is on some mood stabilizers, herself. So she is comfortable with her own issues. Of course, I want her to try to talk to Mrs. Hammer about getting real help, and maybe Meds, too, if they could help. She has better boundaries than that.
But still, it is sooooo good for the real world getting better (at least for some folks) sanity check stuff.
So, LightInside, yeah, do be grateful for some real world connection. There is a whole world of *us* out there, and yeah, sometimes odd behaviors are just odd, maybe.
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Hi Lightside,
If you make a conscious decision to make sure this man is in the friend zone, then it sounds like he might make a good buddy. Just make sure that you don't give mixed messages. I went out on a date recently, (against all advise given in this forum (uh oh).) Anyway, the red flag was that he was separated even though he implied that he was single, as in divorced. I told him straight up that if he wanted an occasional cup of coffee, that would be cool, as a friend. But would not date him, because he is recently separated and still married. It felt good to be clear with my boundaries. Before the things that I have learned in Al-Anon, I would have seen this situation in Black and White. I either would have let it slide and dated him with resentments or I would have been rude and judgmental of him. This time, I tried to just calmly tell him what I was comfortable with and leave it at that.
If you make a conscious decision to make sure this man is in the friend zone, then it sounds like he might make a good buddy. Just make sure that you don't give mixed messages. I went out on a date recently, (against all advise given in this forum (uh oh).) Anyway, the red flag was that he was separated even though he implied that he was single, as in divorced. I told him straight up that if he wanted an occasional cup of coffee, that would be cool, as a friend. But would not date him, because he is recently separated and still married. It felt good to be clear with my boundaries. Before the things that I have learned in Al-Anon, I would have seen this situation in Black and White. I either would have let it slide and dated him with resentments or I would have been rude and judgmental of him. This time, I tried to just calmly tell him what I was comfortable with and leave it at that.
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Grits, I would love to meet up with you! As long as you don't mind having my toddler along for the non-date. ;-)
So here's the thing. I thought, maybe I'm being full of myself, thinking this was like a date. Then he texted me, saying that was the closest thing he'd had to a date since... and how my son and I are beautiful and wonderful (well, we are :-D), and how I can text him "any time or all the time." I left my phone at home while I went out for a few hours. He texted that he hoped he didn't freak me out, etc. & had his justifications.
I think I might feel the way an alcoholic feels when they enter a liquor store with a $20 bill. At first I thought of a $100 bill, but that's how I'd feel if my XA was wanting me back. This guy is not someone I would pick out of a crowd as someone I'm attracted to. That is why I need to talk about this here.
Dandy, he's not bad looking, but he's not as cute as my ex by any stretch. My sister would have a fit because she has this thing about guys and good dental health. Thus guy is missing a tooth has a gold cap on the one next to the gap. I make him sound so bad! :-D
So here's the thing. I thought, maybe I'm being full of myself, thinking this was like a date. Then he texted me, saying that was the closest thing he'd had to a date since... and how my son and I are beautiful and wonderful (well, we are :-D), and how I can text him "any time or all the time." I left my phone at home while I went out for a few hours. He texted that he hoped he didn't freak me out, etc. & had his justifications.
I think I might feel the way an alcoholic feels when they enter a liquor store with a $20 bill. At first I thought of a $100 bill, but that's how I'd feel if my XA was wanting me back. This guy is not someone I would pick out of a crowd as someone I'm attracted to. That is why I need to talk about this here.
Dandy, he's not bad looking, but he's not as cute as my ex by any stretch. My sister would have a fit because she has this thing about guys and good dental health. Thus guy is missing a tooth has a gold cap on the one next to the gap. I make him sound so bad! :-D
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LightInSide--Whew!...Safe......a "dragon" slain and put to rest. My dear, you will have encounters with dragons along the way. And it sounds like you are a capable dragon slayer. Thank heavens this one wasn't a very big dragon (not that cute, not that much chemistry).
The really dangerous dragons are the ones that are really attractive and oozing phermones. They mess with your brain chemistry--so you have to keep your antennae turned up high for those.
Well done.
dandylion
The really dangerous dragons are the ones that are really attractive and oozing phermones. They mess with your brain chemistry--so you have to keep your antennae turned up high for those.
Well done.
dandylion
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I have a soon-to-be toddler, a kindergartener, first grader, and two third graders. One toddler ain't gonna faze me! I will pm you. I have a couple of friends down that way (one in Seattle and one in Woodinville), so I can make the rounds. I don't get off the island much, so I try to make the most of my trips to the mainland.
I'd keep friend status with this guy but not let your guard down. Something is making my spidey sense tingle.
I'd keep friend status with this guy but not let your guard down. Something is making my spidey sense tingle.
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D'oh! I caved and I flirt-texted with him. I feel like not a very good dragon slayer now. Chemistry and pheromones are indeed evil at times, but FLATTERY is what hooks me. Ugh. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. I guess I can practice detachment from flattery as well as from all the A stuff. So glad I have you all cheering me on. 
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Lightside;
It's been three months of No Contact for me; and I still have intensely strong feelings for my ExAB. I have an emptiness that (SEEMS) the only way to fill it is from the attention of a man who will love me the way my exab ultimately could not. This is the closest I can imagine to understanding cravings that an alcoholic has. And Lightside, on top of all this, you have a baby and the need for bonding to a man is a normal biological need.
HOWEVER, and nevertheless, your ability to choose a partner for the right reasons is compromised for right now. Just like we expect the Alcoholic to stop drinking and stay out of relationships for a least a year, we need to expect the same for ourselves.
This advice, I give myself even as I type this. I am the first to admit, I tried to date more than a few times in the last six weeks. When my anxiety level increases, when the loneliness sets in? I turn my eye to dating and the fantasy of how a new man will fix me.
So I have made some new friends, a couple are even men. But they are most definitely "safe" men; not even close to dating. And they know my situation and they are kind, sort of big brother figures. It's nice.
It's been three months of No Contact for me; and I still have intensely strong feelings for my ExAB. I have an emptiness that (SEEMS) the only way to fill it is from the attention of a man who will love me the way my exab ultimately could not. This is the closest I can imagine to understanding cravings that an alcoholic has. And Lightside, on top of all this, you have a baby and the need for bonding to a man is a normal biological need.
HOWEVER, and nevertheless, your ability to choose a partner for the right reasons is compromised for right now. Just like we expect the Alcoholic to stop drinking and stay out of relationships for a least a year, we need to expect the same for ourselves.
This advice, I give myself even as I type this. I am the first to admit, I tried to date more than a few times in the last six weeks. When my anxiety level increases, when the loneliness sets in? I turn my eye to dating and the fantasy of how a new man will fix me.
So I have made some new friends, a couple are even men. But they are most definitely "safe" men; not even close to dating. And they know my situation and they are kind, sort of big brother figures. It's nice.
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Originally Posted by LightInside
Keep it comin', Guys. Keep it comin'. Be my sanity until I get my own.
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Hammer is crackin' me up too. It's cool with me if you all don't share my belief in astrology, but both my X and this "new guy" (Let's call him Goldie!) are the same sun sign - a sign that I have been burned by at least 3 times, a sign NOT COMPATIBLE with my own. Also, Goldie's real name is the same as my X, except that it's missing the last letter. Yikes! (I may be superstitious, but this is blatantly weird to say the least.)
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i had a major wakeup moment when i asked a friend about someone i found attractive as a person but really knew nothing about.
"Oh, yeah, he's really great. He was an addict for years, lost everything, wife divorced him, but he's sober now and pulling it together."
Oh ****. I really can pick them out in a crowd, can't I?
I'm off the dating wagon. I think I have horrible taste. When the sweet person with a steady job and no drama and empathy and kindness attracts me, great.
But right now I'm like one of those bomb-sniffing dogs. I go right for the bad stuff. No thanks!
"Oh, yeah, he's really great. He was an addict for years, lost everything, wife divorced him, but he's sober now and pulling it together."
Oh ****. I really can pick them out in a crowd, can't I?
I'm off the dating wagon. I think I have horrible taste. When the sweet person with a steady job and no drama and empathy and kindness attracts me, great.
But right now I'm like one of those bomb-sniffing dogs. I go right for the bad stuff. No thanks!
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