Wife of an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Wife of an Alcoholic
Over the last decade, I have come to realize that being married to an alcoholic is a condition of its own. There are both physical and emotional effects, as well as a recovery all its own. It was only after I left that I realized just how much I had given up or forgotten because my husband's alcoholism took up so much of my time and energy. And with that realization came guilt and self-reproach. How much of an enabler was I? What if I hadn't allowed it to go on for so long? Am I making it harder for him by leaving? And as these questions swirled in my head, the tormenting cycle of being married to an alcoholic began again.
It is taking a lot of time for me to separate the alcohol from the man. I always knew my husband was an alcoholic, but it was only after his last bender that I realized just how bad it was and just how much he was really drinking. It was everyday, all day. I don't know if he just perfected his ability to hide it or if I just became numb to it over the years. So after this realization came the question: Do I really know him? Which man do I love? The alcohol made him a monster. It made him a shell of a man. But it had been such a huge part of his life the last few years, that is was getting hard for me to remember what he was like sober. Was the man I fell in love with a decade ago worth going through this torture possibly for eternity?
And again, as I asked myself these questions, came the guilt. I felt horrible for asking myself such questions. And with these questions came anger. I was angry at him for putting me in such a position that had me questioning my instincts. See? This is what I think of as the vicious cycle of being married to an alcoholic.
My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years. We have a toddler, the love of my life. It was for her that I left. This was the second time I left, but this time I filed for legal separation. I felt the need to protect myself and my daughter financially and, if needed, physically.
My husband was never physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive. I was shocked when I went to our city's DVAS (Domestic Violence Assistance) office after being referred by a child psychologist. They gave me information about what constitutes abuse. I was able to check off 9 things on a 12 item list of what falls under emotional abuse. I knew he was manipulative and cruel when he was drinking, but it was another thing to see it in black and white on paper. The reality of it was gut-wrenching. I was sitting alone at a table outside of a coffee shop downtown. I am never one for public displays or making a scene, but there I sat, in tears and sobbing on a sunny day with strangers walking by.
I knew it was bad; it's why I left him. But it took the separation for the numbness to go away and for the painful reality to set in. The separation has allowed me to start a recovery of my own. And I wonder if he understands that. I know he is going through the battle of his life right now trying to stay sober, and I would never try to reduce the severity or difficulty of that. But I am afraid he doesn't realize the healing process I am trying to embark on right now for myself and for our daughter, and just how hard it is.
He currently has 30 days sober--the longest he has ever gone. I am extremely proud of him and I want to support him. But at the same time, I have to look out for myself. I am still trying to fight that co-dependent voice in my head telling me I'm being selfish. I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I know I can't handle any more hurt. I suffered enough the last few years. So for now the separation continues. My biggest fear now is wondering if I'll know when it is the right time to make a decision regarding our marriage's fate.
It is taking a lot of time for me to separate the alcohol from the man. I always knew my husband was an alcoholic, but it was only after his last bender that I realized just how bad it was and just how much he was really drinking. It was everyday, all day. I don't know if he just perfected his ability to hide it or if I just became numb to it over the years. So after this realization came the question: Do I really know him? Which man do I love? The alcohol made him a monster. It made him a shell of a man. But it had been such a huge part of his life the last few years, that is was getting hard for me to remember what he was like sober. Was the man I fell in love with a decade ago worth going through this torture possibly for eternity?
And again, as I asked myself these questions, came the guilt. I felt horrible for asking myself such questions. And with these questions came anger. I was angry at him for putting me in such a position that had me questioning my instincts. See? This is what I think of as the vicious cycle of being married to an alcoholic.
My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years. We have a toddler, the love of my life. It was for her that I left. This was the second time I left, but this time I filed for legal separation. I felt the need to protect myself and my daughter financially and, if needed, physically.
My husband was never physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive. I was shocked when I went to our city's DVAS (Domestic Violence Assistance) office after being referred by a child psychologist. They gave me information about what constitutes abuse. I was able to check off 9 things on a 12 item list of what falls under emotional abuse. I knew he was manipulative and cruel when he was drinking, but it was another thing to see it in black and white on paper. The reality of it was gut-wrenching. I was sitting alone at a table outside of a coffee shop downtown. I am never one for public displays or making a scene, but there I sat, in tears and sobbing on a sunny day with strangers walking by.
I knew it was bad; it's why I left him. But it took the separation for the numbness to go away and for the painful reality to set in. The separation has allowed me to start a recovery of my own. And I wonder if he understands that. I know he is going through the battle of his life right now trying to stay sober, and I would never try to reduce the severity or difficulty of that. But I am afraid he doesn't realize the healing process I am trying to embark on right now for myself and for our daughter, and just how hard it is.
He currently has 30 days sober--the longest he has ever gone. I am extremely proud of him and I want to support him. But at the same time, I have to look out for myself. I am still trying to fight that co-dependent voice in my head telling me I'm being selfish. I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I know I can't handle any more hurt. I suffered enough the last few years. So for now the separation continues. My biggest fear now is wondering if I'll know when it is the right time to make a decision regarding our marriage's fate.
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This is such a strong post. Thank you and also welcome to this forum.
If you have started your recovery, then all the answers you have, already inside you, will begin to step out of the fog you are currently in.
My experience with a former husband who had advanced alcoholism is that in his distorted mind, he would never be able to have the awareness to see reality, never be able to "understand" anything about anyone in his life who was disintegrating because of his drinking and the consequent abuse.
When drunk he could not see. In between drunks he could not see because his mind was obsessing toward the next drunk. And when I finally left him he could not see, and as is very common, regarded me as a selfish, abandoning, cold disappointment of a wife. He likely had no memory of all the nights I was a heap of defeated tears on the floor, at his feet, begging him to stop drinking.
He also quickly remarried, after I finally left, and this is also a common pattern. All those times he said to me, "It will kill me if you leave," it was the distorted alcoholic brain just trying to keep everything status quo so it could obsess on the drinking without any interruptions, without any annoying life challenges getting in its way, such a divorce proceeding. This is the height of narcissistic entitlement: "give me what I demand and expect nothing in return."
Your toddler will be wounded growing up in a house with a bitter alcoholic wandering around it. That is a fact. Her father's alcoholism will affect her anyway, and she will eventually be a candidate for therapy to heal from that, but when she is so little and defenseless, to place her at the mercy of an emotional abuser (do not for a moment doubt he will abuse her), is to, in my opinion, abandon her to the wolves. The years from birth to age 5 are absolutely critical.
You have done the right thing. I hope you will make no major decisions about reuniting with your husband for at minimum one year, though three years is often the time frame for the recovering alcoholic to achieve some emotional balance and the return of empathy. But that is always hard to predict. Sometimes the bitterness never leaves. It depends on his spiritual health.
However you do it, stay in reality. This site is an excellent daily reminder.
If you have started your recovery, then all the answers you have, already inside you, will begin to step out of the fog you are currently in.
My experience with a former husband who had advanced alcoholism is that in his distorted mind, he would never be able to have the awareness to see reality, never be able to "understand" anything about anyone in his life who was disintegrating because of his drinking and the consequent abuse.
When drunk he could not see. In between drunks he could not see because his mind was obsessing toward the next drunk. And when I finally left him he could not see, and as is very common, regarded me as a selfish, abandoning, cold disappointment of a wife. He likely had no memory of all the nights I was a heap of defeated tears on the floor, at his feet, begging him to stop drinking.
He also quickly remarried, after I finally left, and this is also a common pattern. All those times he said to me, "It will kill me if you leave," it was the distorted alcoholic brain just trying to keep everything status quo so it could obsess on the drinking without any interruptions, without any annoying life challenges getting in its way, such a divorce proceeding. This is the height of narcissistic entitlement: "give me what I demand and expect nothing in return."
Your toddler will be wounded growing up in a house with a bitter alcoholic wandering around it. That is a fact. Her father's alcoholism will affect her anyway, and she will eventually be a candidate for therapy to heal from that, but when she is so little and defenseless, to place her at the mercy of an emotional abuser (do not for a moment doubt he will abuse her), is to, in my opinion, abandon her to the wolves. The years from birth to age 5 are absolutely critical.
You have done the right thing. I hope you will make no major decisions about reuniting with your husband for at minimum one year, though three years is often the time frame for the recovering alcoholic to achieve some emotional balance and the return of empathy. But that is always hard to predict. Sometimes the bitterness never leaves. It depends on his spiritual health.
However you do it, stay in reality. This site is an excellent daily reminder.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Repeat after me: "Feelings aren't facts!" You may feel guilt but that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. There is nothing you can do or say that will help him stay sober, we're completely powerless over another person's thoughts, words and actions. It sounds like you're ready to jump into your own recovery and if you haven't started Alanon, I hope you go: it saved my sanity and taught me I have a big problem in choosing an alcoholic. You can change your life and it seems that you've already gotten a glimmer of that. Pray for your husband, but beyond that you must let him go.
God bless!
God bless!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 38
Back to day one with my AH. He relapsed today, he made it 32 days. The situation is even more complicated because he has our daughter this weekend. Thankfully I requested supervised visits for our daughter in my separation paperwork and he can only have her with his parents. She was not with him when he relapsed. But it's like we're right back to square one. Almost immediately after he relapsed, before he told me, the texts started and I knew. He was telling me he loved me and that I deserved better. That there was no way he was going to get better. And then he started saying that I needed to come and get him. His battery is dead and he is stuck where he's at. He said all he wants is to sleep next to me tonight because that will make him feel better (we have been separated for over a month). I made it very clear to him that it wasn't going to happen, that I wasn't going to be manipulated and that I won't be responsible for his recovery.
I really thought he was going to make it this time. The irony is he attended his first AA meeting today. He talked to me on the phone afterward and told me it was positive. I don't know if I can endure another week of hell like the last time this happened--the threats, the yo-yo emotions, the harassment, the manipulation, the lying, the self-pity.
I really thought he was going to make it this time. The irony is he attended his first AA meeting today. He talked to me on the phone afterward and told me it was positive. I don't know if I can endure another week of hell like the last time this happened--the threats, the yo-yo emotions, the harassment, the manipulation, the lying, the self-pity.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by SpouseRecovery 
I really thought he was going to make it this time. The irony is he attended his first AA meeting today. He talked to me on the phone afterward and told me it was positive. I don't know if I can endure another week of hell like the last time this happened--the threats, the yo-yo emotions, the harassment, the manipulation, the lying, the self-pity.
You can endure another week of hell by not participating in it.
Go no contact. Can you do that? His sobriety and his recovery are his. There is no need to discuss that stuff with him. Step away, get out of his way and let him do what he wants to do.
It's his week (or however long he decides to keep on drinking) from hell, not yours. You are separated so be separated. There really is no need to discuss anything with him except for your daughter.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 38
My AH will be spending his first night ever in jail. After relapsing tonight, he demanded that I let him come to the house. I refused. I told him to stay where he was at and stop drinking, start fresh. He then said he was going to come to the house and the only way I could get him to leave was by calling the cops. After a couple of hours, I figured he was bluffing and went to bed, but I made sure everything was locked up tight. I was awakened by him trying to bust off the doorknob to the garage door. He broke it off but thankfully the lock held. He proceeded to then try to break in through another door and a window. He was texting me that if I didn't let him in that he would bust in with the sledgehammer and that the only way he would leave was if he were arrested. I was truly scared. He has never hurt me physically before, but he has threatened. He has also threatened to harm himself. Thank God our child was not here tonight. Calling 911 was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was harder than leaving him. We are still in a gray area with our separation because we haven't had a court date. So even though he agreed to my terms, including a temporary restraining order for the house (not a DVPO), they couldn't lawfully keep him from coming in, even though he was obviously drunk and wanting to be arrested. However, he did run and hide and ignored the sheriffs' pleas to come out. So he was booked on obstruction. I can't help but feel the codependency creeping in. I actually feel guilty for calling 911. Seeing him taken away in handcuffs was surreal. I started to think about how his parents would react and how they would think of me. I started to think of the financial burden on him and the fact that now he'll have a criminal record. He was laughing and joking with the cops. It's as if he wanted to be arrested. So much for sleep tonight.
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Originally Posted by SpouseRecovery
So much for sleep tonight.
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SpouseRecovery, reading your post, my heart went out to you. I had a similar experience with m y adult son about 3yrs. ago. The police came--I had to call them--they finally calmed him down (he also behaved in a very friendly manner to them) and they ended up giving him a ride to a "friend's" house. So, I know how you felt by having to do that--even though it was the right thing for you to do at the time.
SpouseRecovery, this is just how "CrazY' it can get when they are under the influence. You are right--it does feel surreal at times!! But, boundaries are necessary--and, let me tell you--they are not always easy to enforce when push comes to shove.
I had to laugh at Lulu's comment--that he was "probably celebrating his first AA meeting". That is how it is with someone who has used alcohol for years to cope with every emotion--good or bad---. When the alcohol is removed, it is like they have been hobbled to cope with the everyday emotion of life. This is one reason that early recovery is soo difficult.
Try not to beat yourself up--resist going on any guilt trip--just go forth with your own recovery plan. It is not easy, but it is doable.
My best wishes for the both of you.
dandylion
SpouseRecovery, this is just how "CrazY' it can get when they are under the influence. You are right--it does feel surreal at times!! But, boundaries are necessary--and, let me tell you--they are not always easy to enforce when push comes to shove.
I had to laugh at Lulu's comment--that he was "probably celebrating his first AA meeting". That is how it is with someone who has used alcohol for years to cope with every emotion--good or bad---. When the alcohol is removed, it is like they have been hobbled to cope with the everyday emotion of life. This is one reason that early recovery is soo difficult.
Try not to beat yourself up--resist going on any guilt trip--just go forth with your own recovery plan. It is not easy, but it is doable.
My best wishes for the both of you.
dandylion
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