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Recovering Alcoholic doesn't love me back anymore

Old 10-19-2013, 03:28 AM
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Angry Recovering Alcoholic doesn't love me back anymore

This is my first post after reading so many threads via the search engine but I finally decided I needed to post myself to get some advice.
Recently (1 month ago) my boyfriend of 11 months ended our relationship because he's changing so much in recovery he doesn't love me anymore. It happened over night, I went to bed the night before after telling each other we loved one another. The next evening he dropped this bombshell. He explained something inside him was telling him he needs to find his true self and to do so he can't love me. We speak daily and see each other still too.
I read Al Anon posts and forums and decided I would hand over my emotions, feelings to my understand of God. Ever since I started praying a few days after the split, I started to get this feeling, it's hard to explain it doesn't feel like my heart or my head but when I think about giving up it kicks in and tells me not to, that it's not time. My ex has said he wants me to be happy and give up but I know deep down that's him being selfless.
So I guess what I'm asking for is advice. Should I follow this strange feeling inside me and hold on? Has anyone experienced such dramatic changes in their RA?
I just need someone to comment who understands, non of my friend or family can relate and right now I feel alone and the only person who understands me in my RA!
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Old 10-19-2013, 04:37 AM
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[


Alcoholics change a lot in the first years of recovery. What he is saying is true, to him.

. If he wants to end the relationship there isn,t any point in hanging on anyways.

You probably have that feeling because you don,t want to end the relationship.




QUOTE=KAHJPC2012;4246735]This is my first post after reading so many threads via the search engine but I finally decided I needed to post myself to get some advice.
Recently (1 month ago) my boyfriend of 11 months ended our relationship because he's changing so much in recovery he doesn't love me anymore. It happened over night, I went to bed the night before after telling each other we loved one another. The next evening he dropped this bombshell. He explained something inside him was telling him he needs to find his true self and to do so he can't love me. We speak daily and see each other still too.
I read Al Anon posts and forums and decided I would hand over my emotions, feelings to my understand of God. Ever since I started praying a few days after the split, I started to get this feeling, it's hard to explain it doesn't feel like my heart or my head but when I think about giving up it kicks in and tells me not to, that it's not time. My ex has said he wants me to be happy and give up but I know deep down that's him being selfless.
So I guess what I'm asking for is advice. Should I follow this strange feeling inside me and hold on? Has anyone experienced such dramatic changes in their RA?
I just need someone to comment who understands, non of my friend or family can relate and right now I feel alone and the only person who understands me in my RA![/QUOTE]
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Old 10-19-2013, 04:41 AM
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I'm aware that drastic changes are expected and I accepted that before getting into a relationship with him. But this feeling I have isn't a thought in my mind or a feeling in my heart it's something I have never experienced. I know God chooses for us to be in difficult positions but he gifts us the grace to hold on, I feel I have the gift of grace.
I appreciate your comment and thank you for your advice.
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:06 AM
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Hello KAHJPC2012, Welcome to SR!

As you already know, early recovery is very hard. I have read many stories on this forum about alcoholics who were married to each other, and realized they did not even know each other now that they were sober. Your boyfriend may not be someone you really know after about 1 or 2 years sober -- assuming he actually makes it that far. Sadly, there are no guarantees of continued, permanent sobriety with an alcoholic.

If it were me and I man I was dating said they did not want to date anymore because they do not love me 'that way', I would respect his request and would respect myself enough to honor his request. Then I would probably go no contact with him.

I hope time will bring you some clarity and peace!
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:13 AM
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KAHJ

i think alcoholics can change so much after becoming sober. i mean the drive to become sober might require them to look at the whole picture and need to change almost everything. if that includes there relationships.
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:56 AM
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Letting go is painful. When we are not given the choice to continue a relationship, it's even harder to let go. I've been in your shoes, where I felt like there was something I needed to hold on to. For me, it was a deep fear of rejection and abandonment by someone who loved me. It wasn't really about him, but about me.

Is it possible for you to go no contact? Please consider it. Daily communication sort of prolongs the agony. It continues to feed the relationship or provide your daily fix, so to speak. It's hard, I know because I have felt that deep pain, but if you honestly love him, the best way to honor him is to respect his needs in his recovery and let him go...completely. It is possible to love, but love from a distance. And then start to put your focus on finding your happy. Find your happy without depending on another person to provide it.
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Old 10-19-2013, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome View Post
Letting go is painful. When we are not given the choice to continue a relationship, it's even harder to let go. I've been in your shoes, where I felt like there was something I needed to hold on to. For me, it was a deep fear of rejection and abandonment by someone who loved me. It wasn't really about him, but about me. Is it possible for you to go no contact? Please consider it. Daily communication sort of prolongs the agony. It continues to feed the relationship or provide your daily fix, so to speak. It's hard, I know because I have felt that deep pain, but if you honestly love him, the best way to honor him is to respect his needs in his recovery and let him go...completely. It is possible to love, but love from a distance. And then start to put your focus on finding your happy. Find your happy without depending on another person to provide it.
HealingWillCome, your last sentence,"find your happy w/o depending on another person to provide it" was profound for me; thanks for typing it!
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:11 AM
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Back to the top with K --

Do you understand that "normal" people do not treat other people like this?

Folks that use other people do stuff like this.

Sad truth. A's tend to be Users.

He was likely using you to feel better, and now AA or whatever program is making him feel better.

You may not be losing as much as you think you are.

Do you REALLY want this in your life?
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:36 AM
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Welcome to SR!

If i may ask (for a little clarity), how long has your BF been sober? You stated that you have been in this relationship for about 11 months and I'm wondering how that lines up with his recovery period. As a golden rule, recovering alcoholics undergo significant changes during the first year or so of sobriety.... If you started your relationship during that same time period it's possible (even likely) that you are getting caught up in all of the changes that even he wasn't aware he'd be facing.
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Old 02-28-2017, 03:54 PM
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I'm in the same boat. My RABF left me because he told me he didn't want to drag me down this road with him so he told me I need to let go of him. We still see each other too and stayed friends. I keep racking my brain about letting him go or just stay and try to be part of his support system. But I hear this voice saying "Don't worry, stick with him. It'll be worth the pain". I feel like I'm crazy!!! Maybe it's God. Maybe it's my crazy self - I don't know. But I feel you!
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Old 02-28-2017, 04:19 PM
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Brokenbird...this is a really old thread....

Maybe, start a thread of your own...and you will get a lot more posts....
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:39 AM
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Should I follow this strange feeling inside me and hold on?
Leave. He's in early recovery (the first year) and needs to focus exclusively on getting sober. It's as live or die proposition. I suggest Alanon, which taught me to take care of myself and let go of people and situations that hurt too much.
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:47 AM
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My RABF left me because he told me he didn't want to drag me down this road with him so he told me I need to let go of him.
Believe him!!!
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:52 AM
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"Don't worry, stick with him. It'll be worth the pain". I feel like I'm crazy!!! Maybe it's God.

unless you're name is Moses and a small shrub nearby appeared to be on fire, i think not.

no pain, no gain is limited to strenuous athletic goals and home remodels.

Love doesn't hurt like this.

Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv might however.
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Old 03-01-2017, 07:01 PM
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no pain, no gain as home remodel. YES for the win sometimes it goes further down that road it turns into a 4 Horsemen of the apocolypse vignette; you know if you've been there; Latenightdrywall, Gritoneverything, Sleepinthediningroom, Lostthewilltolive

sorry to distract the thread but man oh man have we lived the remodelling life, thankfully we're out the other side of it now.
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