Question for Al-Anon Program Folks
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Question for Al-Anon Program Folks
I have a question for those who work an Al-Anon program and have experience with a spouse getting sober.
Back story: my wife and I first got together when I was sober, about 27 years ago. I was sober during this time and for years after (total of 14). I have been drinking for 13 years now, however it was not problematic until the last 4-5 years (we both agree on this time frame). This is my first attempt, as far as she knows, to get sober. I tried a couple of times on my own, without saying anything, but told her about 2 weeks into this term of sobriety.
I have been successful (60+ days sober now in AA) and mentioned attending a seminar on alcoholism that works with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills. She got very anxious and wanted to know if I was still going to AA, still would have a sponsor, etc. She asks me every 3-4 days, "So how many days do you have now?" This is not because she gives a whit about how many days I have; what she's really asking is, "Have you drank?"
My drinking did not cost me my job, did not ruin holidays, and I was rarely drunk around her (we work somewhat separate shifts/days), so there is fortunately not a lot of that sort of wreckage.
Frankly, I'm getting impatient with the questioning. It feels parental and as though I'm some kid being checked on. She tends to be critical and focused on me, anyway, so this added scrutiny is beginning to chafe. She's even started hassling me about what I eat - as if this whole thing is a "let's fix Dylan" project. I've asked her to go back to Al-Anon (she began going on her own about a year ago, but then quit), but I think she thinks that the problem (e.g. me) is being fixed now.
My question (to those who work an Al-Anon program and have been with a spouse as they've gotten sober), how did you and your spouse work this out?
Thanks.
Back story: my wife and I first got together when I was sober, about 27 years ago. I was sober during this time and for years after (total of 14). I have been drinking for 13 years now, however it was not problematic until the last 4-5 years (we both agree on this time frame). This is my first attempt, as far as she knows, to get sober. I tried a couple of times on my own, without saying anything, but told her about 2 weeks into this term of sobriety.
I have been successful (60+ days sober now in AA) and mentioned attending a seminar on alcoholism that works with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills. She got very anxious and wanted to know if I was still going to AA, still would have a sponsor, etc. She asks me every 3-4 days, "So how many days do you have now?" This is not because she gives a whit about how many days I have; what she's really asking is, "Have you drank?"
My drinking did not cost me my job, did not ruin holidays, and I was rarely drunk around her (we work somewhat separate shifts/days), so there is fortunately not a lot of that sort of wreckage.
Frankly, I'm getting impatient with the questioning. It feels parental and as though I'm some kid being checked on. She tends to be critical and focused on me, anyway, so this added scrutiny is beginning to chafe. She's even started hassling me about what I eat - as if this whole thing is a "let's fix Dylan" project. I've asked her to go back to Al-Anon (she began going on her own about a year ago, but then quit), but I think she thinks that the problem (e.g. me) is being fixed now.
My question (to those who work an Al-Anon program and have been with a spouse as they've gotten sober), how did you and your spouse work this out?
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm sure others with more experience will chime in here but I guess I would suggest talking to your sponsor about this first. Your sponsor is probably privy to more details than we are about your back story and marriage, etc.
As far as your wife is concerned, I'm guessing that she's struggling to work her own program and stay on her side of the street. Of course, if you point out how she's working/not working her program, that's not going to go over well. Turn her over to her HP and get the focus back on you and your program.
Other folks may come on and give you tips on how to speak to her, etc but I personally don't have experience with recovery in that way so I am hesitant to talk out of my arse, so to speak, LOL!
As far as your wife is concerned, I'm guessing that she's struggling to work her own program and stay on her side of the street. Of course, if you point out how she's working/not working her program, that's not going to go over well. Turn her over to her HP and get the focus back on you and your program.
Other folks may come on and give you tips on how to speak to her, etc but I personally don't have experience with recovery in that way so I am hesitant to talk out of my arse, so to speak, LOL!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by DylanS 
I have been drinking for 13 years now, however it was not problematic until the last 4-5 years
Originally Posted by DylanS
My drinking did not cost me my job, did not ruin holidays, and I was rarely drunk around her (we work somewhat separate shifts/days), so there is fortunately not a lot of that sort of wreckage.
Be patient. More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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No, I haven't been "drunk for 13 years". My drinking was normal for most of that time. We both agreed, as stated, that it only became problematic the last 4-5 years.
I'm not looking for advice. As has been said, there is no doubt a world of detail and history that can't be fully explained or understood. My question was actually directed to those who've worked a program and have experience with this kind of situation:
I'm not looking for advice. As has been said, there is no doubt a world of detail and history that can't be fully explained or understood. My question was actually directed to those who've worked a program and have experience with this kind of situation:
My question (to those who work an Al-Anon program and have been with a spouse as they've gotten sober), how did you and your spouse work this out?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
I am in Al Anon, my husband in recovery for 15 months now - it took me far more than 60 days to relax, to stop worrying about relapse-
Why? He would not, and does not, talk about his recovery - he too thinks that the effects of his drinking were minimal, because he has never addressed the matter.
15 months in, I now can keep my side of the street clean, I do not obsess about relapse, because I have accepted that it may happen, and I have set my own boundaries around it. I shall never live with active alcoholism again. However if I hear one if my kids open a can of cola late at night, I still react with fear that he's sneaked a beer, or if I hear the cupboard door opening I worry though we have a dry house! That fear was engrained throughout 25 years of conitinual, if not always problematic, drinking- it is unrealistic for me to think it will disappear over night.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that maybe you should try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife, and if, like my husband, you are unable - then acceptance is the key. Accept that she may feel fear over a possible relapse, accept that she may be over cautious,just like we too have to accept sobriety and recovery is only one day at a time.
Another point is that I found the first year of my husband's recovery more difficult than his years of drinking- the is a whole wasp nest of emotions within both of us- and we are only now beginning to truly valu the importance of kindness to each other.
I wish you well in your recovery.
Why? He would not, and does not, talk about his recovery - he too thinks that the effects of his drinking were minimal, because he has never addressed the matter.
15 months in, I now can keep my side of the street clean, I do not obsess about relapse, because I have accepted that it may happen, and I have set my own boundaries around it. I shall never live with active alcoholism again. However if I hear one if my kids open a can of cola late at night, I still react with fear that he's sneaked a beer, or if I hear the cupboard door opening I worry though we have a dry house! That fear was engrained throughout 25 years of conitinual, if not always problematic, drinking- it is unrealistic for me to think it will disappear over night.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that maybe you should try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife, and if, like my husband, you are unable - then acceptance is the key. Accept that she may feel fear over a possible relapse, accept that she may be over cautious,just like we too have to accept sobriety and recovery is only one day at a time.
Another point is that I found the first year of my husband's recovery more difficult than his years of drinking- the is a whole wasp nest of emotions within both of us- and we are only now beginning to truly valu the importance of kindness to each other.
I wish you well in your recovery.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Dude, a big part of the problem is she doesn't trust you and it is going to take a long tine to rebuild that trust.
IMO the best way to do that is to focus on your recovery. Over the last 5 years she has dealt with a lot and now she is feeling a whole bunch of emotions that she had been suppressing.
Good luck with both of your recoveries.
Your friend,
IMO the best way to do that is to focus on your recovery. Over the last 5 years she has dealt with a lot and now she is feeling a whole bunch of emotions that she had been suppressing.
Good luck with both of your recoveries.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by DylanS
No, I haven't been "drunk for 13 years". My drinking was normal for most of that time. We both agreed, as stated, that it only became problematic the last 4-5 years.
I'm not looking for advice. As has been said, there is no doubt a world of detail and history that can't be fully explained or understood. My question was actually directed to those who've worked a program and have experience with this kind of situation:
I'm not looking for advice. As has been said, there is no doubt a world of detail and history that can't be fully explained or understood. My question was actually directed to those who've worked a program and have experience with this kind of situation:
I have experience with this kind of situation where the alcoholic attempts to minimise the effect his drinking and behaviour has had on his family.
I never gave you advice. I gave my experience.
Good luck in your journey toward sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Be honest with her. Let her know if you choose drinking again, you will do it regardless of how she feels about it, and the pain it'll cause her. Inform her you are becoming sober for yourself, and not for her. Let her know that her feelings regarding becoming an early widow or not doesn't matter enough to you to quit drinking or improve diet - only your own self preservation motivates you. She has to understand this is not about her. She can either accept that, move on, or continue to make herself and you both miserable.
Is this a woman you want to spend another 25 years with?
Is this a woman you want to spend another 25 years with?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Time.....
It will take time for her to trust your sobriety. It took time for me to be comfortable with my stepson's sobriety (although I have reason to believe it has slipped lately).
In your mind you are committed to sobriety and feel that she should trust it, too. But she can't, not yet. I'm sorry that her questions bother you, and I can imagine how frustrating that must be, but please allow her the grace of time. She hung with you for your 4 to 5 years of alcoholic drinking, I would hope you can offer her more than 60 days before getting impatient.
It will take time for her to trust your sobriety. It took time for me to be comfortable with my stepson's sobriety (although I have reason to believe it has slipped lately).
In your mind you are committed to sobriety and feel that she should trust it, too. But she can't, not yet. I'm sorry that her questions bother you, and I can imagine how frustrating that must be, but please allow her the grace of time. She hung with you for your 4 to 5 years of alcoholic drinking, I would hope you can offer her more than 60 days before getting impatient.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
As you know, 60 days is very early recovery. We (I'm a recovering alcoholic) have to earn the trust of those adversely affected by our drinking and may never achieve it. I'm sure it bugs you to be questioned, but it's understandable your wife would doubt you. Good advice to talk to your sponsor first. Yes, she needs Alanon and you can suggest it. But you can't force her to go anymore than she can stop you from drinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I suppose what I am trying to say is that maybe you should try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife
So, toward that end, and though I was worried about bringing up what can be such a charged topic prematurely, I went ahead and broached it this morning and it went very, very well.
Part of it is different personality types. I'm very "in the moment". I don't hold grudges, I don't even remember what a fight was about if it was resolved. I am extremely compartmentalized that way. My wife is slower to process these things and is not compartmentalized. Both styles have an upside and a downside; neither is better than the other.
Remembering that, and reading your posts (Seren, Loopy and Mike) made it clear that I was operating from an unreasonable expectation. 60 days versus 60 months is a BIG difference.
So, we had the talk and we're both thinking on how we can navigate this a bit better so that we both can be okay - she can feel reassured and I don't feel parentified. We're negotiating, thinking that maybe she can just ask me once a week or something like that. I don't think the route your husband has gone, Loopy, would work for us. It seems...separating. Divisive. We both want to get back to being best friends, and I'm inspired by: "...we are only now beginning to truly value the importance of kindness to each other." Thank you for that.
Thanks again - it's much appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I am neither AA or Al-Anon.
My take on this is if you are sober and she is worried. Would it be of any cost to you to be more open with your soberness and involve her in how it is going, if it will give her peace of mind?
It does change people if they worry about an addict for a long period, it takes time to recover.
I have 11 weeks sober, I am not even sure I trust myself completely – but I have the advantage I know what I am up to – I have insider knowledge regarding myself
No big deal Dylan – just be more open and generous with yourself.
My take on this is if you are sober and she is worried. Would it be of any cost to you to be more open with your soberness and involve her in how it is going, if it will give her peace of mind?
It does change people if they worry about an addict for a long period, it takes time to recover.
I have 11 weeks sober, I am not even sure I trust myself completely – but I have the advantage I know what I am up to – I have insider knowledge regarding myself
No big deal Dylan – just be more open and generous with yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Here is the advice, (er ah, we do not do advice) "suggestion," we hear on the Alanon side of the wall, when *we* (er ah, I ) are sticking our nose into what folks on the other side are doing or not doing.
"[Hammer], If you have a problem with the way [Mrs. Hammer] is or is not working her program . . . You need to be working Your Program the way you would like to see [Mrs. Hammer] working hers.
True dat.
Yunno, when I am REALLY doing my stuff, I do not pay a whole lot of mind to her stuff.
I am betting things work that way both ways.
So like they tell me -- If you have a problem with the way [Mrs. DylanS] is or is not working her program . . . You need to be working Your Program the way you would like to see [Mrs. DylanS] working hers.
"[Hammer], If you have a problem with the way [Mrs. Hammer] is or is not working her program . . . You need to be working Your Program the way you would like to see [Mrs. Hammer] working hers.
True dat.
Yunno, when I am REALLY doing my stuff, I do not pay a whole lot of mind to her stuff.
I am betting things work that way both ways.
So like they tell me -- If you have a problem with the way [Mrs. DylanS] is or is not working her program . . . You need to be working Your Program the way you would like to see [Mrs. DylanS] working hers.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
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This is a really great post! I'm on the other side of this issue Dylan as my AH is recently sober, just over 30 days. I find myself becoming anxious, almost habitually, like I did when he was drinking. All it takes is an unanswered phone call and I'm sick to my stomach, my hamster wheel is spinning a mile a minute.
What I need from him is communication, patience and time to trust his new found sobriety. I'm sure your wife feels similarly. We friends and family didn't become the way we are over night, and it takes time to feel secure again.
By the same token, IMO, I'm sure you probably need the same communication, and patience from her. It's one day at a time on both sides of the fence.
Good for you on 60 days! I wish you a lifetime of happiness and sobriety.
What I need from him is communication, patience and time to trust his new found sobriety. I'm sure your wife feels similarly. We friends and family didn't become the way we are over night, and it takes time to feel secure again.
By the same token, IMO, I'm sure you probably need the same communication, and patience from her. It's one day at a time on both sides of the fence.
Good for you on 60 days! I wish you a lifetime of happiness and sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
My son is the alcoholic but one thing his sponsor told him when he was upset that we didn't trust him when he was out and we were worried. You can't change in (your case) 60 days the mess you created the last 4-5 years. Cut your wife some slack because she did it for you for years. You may want to address some of her fears with things such as "hon, I'm going to be at the office late. I'll be sure to have my phone on in case you want to touch base." Or, "I appreciate your fears, today I'm feeling great. But I will let you know if I think things are getting tough for me so we can talk about it."
Remember you were probably drunk during most of the bad times and you don't remember them. She was sober and remembers every second.
Congrats on 60 days.
Remember you were probably drunk during most of the bad times and you don't remember them. She was sober and remembers every second.
Congrats on 60 days.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Congratulations on reaching 60 days...you're doing great.
Here's my experience...RAH was sober (really dry) for 17 years, during which time we met & were married so I never saw him drink. He relapsed just shy of two years ago, and stopped again about 5 months ago. The changes in him and damage to our relationship in the approx. 18 months he was drinking are significant.
When RAH first quit, I really didn't ask about it. Just thought "I'll believe it when I see it." I asked about his progress more between 2 & 3 months sober. At 5 months, I still don't fully trust and as another poster said, when he doesn't do what he says he will do or I can't reach him, my anxiety goes up. I handle it much better now, but it is still my reaction.
I do my best to mind my side of the street, but it is very difficult - we're married, everything is tied together so it is very challenging to not want to know what is going on with him. We also have to change some of the behaviors within our relationship, so that ties into recovery too.
Like others said, have some patience. Open communication helps a LOT. Share your progress & setbacks with your wife...that will help her feel trusted & that you have nothing to hide...and then she won't have to ask. Have you considered counseling together? I would agree that she should get back to AlAnon...she's likely codependent (as many of us are), and it would be good for HER to make some changes for HERSELF.
Here's my experience...RAH was sober (really dry) for 17 years, during which time we met & were married so I never saw him drink. He relapsed just shy of two years ago, and stopped again about 5 months ago. The changes in him and damage to our relationship in the approx. 18 months he was drinking are significant.
When RAH first quit, I really didn't ask about it. Just thought "I'll believe it when I see it." I asked about his progress more between 2 & 3 months sober. At 5 months, I still don't fully trust and as another poster said, when he doesn't do what he says he will do or I can't reach him, my anxiety goes up. I handle it much better now, but it is still my reaction.
I do my best to mind my side of the street, but it is very difficult - we're married, everything is tied together so it is very challenging to not want to know what is going on with him. We also have to change some of the behaviors within our relationship, so that ties into recovery too.
Like others said, have some patience. Open communication helps a LOT. Share your progress & setbacks with your wife...that will help her feel trusted & that you have nothing to hide...and then she won't have to ask. Have you considered counseling together? I would agree that she should get back to AlAnon...she's likely codependent (as many of us are), and it would be good for HER to make some changes for HERSELF.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Congratulations on 60 days!
It is sensible for your wife to question your sobriety or feel apprehension. Relapse rates are high, and she watched you drink problematically for years. I'm sure she's very concerned. I wish you both the best!
My A got irritated with me for the way I handled his sobriety. He was irritable if I questioned it, he was irritable if I minded my own business, irritable that I didn't trust him immediately. Luckily, I'd been in Al Anon for a good long time before he got sober, but it was still hard.
I can do nothing to resolve his feelings of irritability. That's part of his stuff. I really have no way of knowing if he's drinking or not. I suspect, I hope, but it is ultimately not my business. Sixty days is both a lifetime, and a small, beginning moment. May you and your wife build something positive on that foundation!
It is sensible for your wife to question your sobriety or feel apprehension. Relapse rates are high, and she watched you drink problematically for years. I'm sure she's very concerned. I wish you both the best!
My A got irritated with me for the way I handled his sobriety. He was irritable if I questioned it, he was irritable if I minded my own business, irritable that I didn't trust him immediately. Luckily, I'd been in Al Anon for a good long time before he got sober, but it was still hard.
I can do nothing to resolve his feelings of irritability. That's part of his stuff. I really have no way of knowing if he's drinking or not. I suspect, I hope, but it is ultimately not my business. Sixty days is both a lifetime, and a small, beginning moment. May you and your wife build something positive on that foundation!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 38
You have to earn back trust. It is not automatic or anything that happens in a short amount of time. To give you perspective, my AH was drunk (abusing alcohol, binge drinking daily) for 3 years, or about 1,095 days. I dealt with that harsh reality daily. He has 32 days sober now. So 32 days sober is nothing compared to his 1,095 days of drinking. Do I trust him? No. Do I want to? Yes. My suggestion would be to understand, truly practice empathy, to see that your spouse is going through a recovery of her own. Communication, free of unnecessary criticism and equally open, is key.
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