PippiLngstockng

I hurt.

It wasn't so hard getting stbxah out of our family home after he was violent. There was lots of support from family, friends, the law, counsellor s, doctors. I still had some money tucked away and a bright outlook on life. I thought things would get better and that would be that.

One year later, I am re-trapped. It used to be my trap was our big country home and all the neighbors who thought I was the luckiest gal alive. And the husband who was leading a mysterious existence and sometimes got scary or drunk or both.

Then I escaped to a new world and built my life over.

Then. Stbxah starting doing his thing all over again. Rounding up allies. Working on his story. Gathering support. Turning the law, counsellor s, doctors against me. Cutting off the money. Slowly. Unpredictably. Calculating.

And like before, I am breathing very quietly. So I can hear and notice everything he does. I am on hyper alert again. Awake in the middle of the night to check what he is up to.

This is crazy. I wish I were. I need some relief!

I have to go to the U.S. for AA court hearing to try to increase the support and to get health insurance for me and the children, since we don't have any because AH lied to the judge.

I hoped to get some support while I am there. I haven't been back or wanted to ever go back since Ah was violent last year. One of the first things I did was call the counsellor that Ah and I saw a few times the last time I visited there. He told her about his alcoholism and she recommended 90 meetings in 90 days, rehab, etc. He told her truths like I never in my life heard from him before or since.

So I called and asked if I could see her during my brief US visit. She finally declined and has referred me to a battered women's program and legal advocate. Why? I bet stbxah got to her first.

Stbxah gets to everyone that I have had support from practically and turns them against me. I see what he is doing now. Oh God I find this so frightening!!! Our family physician of 18 years, my neighbors, witnesses to the abuse. People who he once confessed his alcoholism to.

I want to fly away! Not fly back to my old trap of a house! Not stay here, either, where I am beginning to feel trapped again! I just want to get away from him forever.

I sat down with Ah for the first time in a year. Because we were in court and my lawyer wanted me to ask him for more money so we can eat.

After seeing him, I could only think of suicide. Not because I am depressed! But because I want to be free!

I don't know if I am making sense but this is it. What he has always done. Let's take the example of last year. Ah went psycho on me and I ran to the grocers for help. They came to intervene. They are witnesses because they saw first hand how he was.

Then a few weeks go by and he calmly goes to the grocers and spends a little cash. Asks how they are, is Mr thoughtful and charming. The grocers fall back under his charms (the grocers wife has always just loved him) and they convince themselves that I am a very difficult woman and they were never wrong about Ah. They rewrite the scenario. And when I go to their shop, they have stopped asking me how things are and the support is gone. And I stop going because I get a feeling I know Ah has got them on his side.

Happens over and over and over. Makes me feel like a very difficult person. What's wrong with me. Why can't I lighten up a little, have a glass of wine and appreciate my charming husband?

react:headbang e

DreamsofSerenity

Pippi,

Please don't talk about suicide.. Don't even let it enter your thoughts.

You can not let your XAH put you in this frame of mind. Think of Ghandi and how he overthrew the entire Brittish empire not by acting like a victim, but rather by rallying the higher power within his followers.

This ex husband of yours may be a sick, manipulative, and vindictive *******, but he is not as powerful as you give him credit for being. Don't avoid people you think he has turned against you. Engage with them with your head held high!!

I don't mean to undermine what you are going through--I am trying to give you a pep talk.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

PippiLngstockng

Thanks DoS. I don't mean to imply that I am giving these suicidal thoughts much credit. I love life way way way too much. But I do not like effective Ah is at winning people over. It has always made me feel really badly about myself. I used to make a new friend during my married days. Then one day Ah would pull them aside. Next thing I'd know - they were his friend now. Not mine.

I do know people who don't fall for his crap. Guess what. They are never co-dependent s!

PippiLngstockng

I do need help from people who have been witnesses to his drinking/abuse. They are usually people he's worked on. And so it is proving near impossible to get these people to talk to me.

dandylion

Pippi, I may have mentioned this to you before, but your plight is described perfectly in a book called: "Not To People Like Us". Written by Susan Weitzman, PH.D. She has done research on this. "Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages".

Powerful, wealthy and narcissistic men can be very vicious and abusive---and get by with it. These men are often very accomplished and can be very charming and manipulative outside the home--while unbelievably to their wife and kids behind closed doors. The problem for the wives is that many people have little sympathy for them--assuming that they live a charmed life of privilege. These women are often even more isolated than women of less wealthy men--AND ARE OFTEN LIVING PENNILESS!! Their power and wealth or reputation allows them to skate around the legal system--while the wife is often lucky to get representation.

Pippi--I think this book would, at least, validate your experience. You wouldn't feel so "gaslighted".

You have been so strong and have fought a valiant battle to protect your children and get away from the guy. Don't give up now. You don't need to appreciate your h usband's charms like everyone else--(I think you were kidding....right?). He is a narcissist--and never, NEVER give a narcissist an inch--they will take a mile. You have to play hardball with a narcissist!!

I agree with the others who say to hold your head high--smile warmly and say Hi!. Conduct yourself with grace and charm. Don't isolate yourself and don't let him change who you are. Now, I know this is easy for me to say--I know it is not easy. Nothing about this guy is easy--you have survived, so far.

I know that you are a survivor.

I am glad that you come here to post!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

PippiLngstockng

Dandelion, thank you!!! I would love love love to get my hands on that book. No chance getting it at the library here and money has been too tight for even reading material. But in the US I will pick it up.

I think it is starting to dawn on stbxah that the charms aren't working on me. At all. Yay! I am starting to see right through him. Only took 18 years of marriage. I guess I should cut everyone else some slack for falling under his spell, eh?

dandylion

Pippi, If you can send me an address that I can sent it to--I will mail a copy to you post haste! If anonomity(sp?) is a concern, you can have it sent to a po box or a church or wherever.

You can send me the info. by P.M.

sincerely,
dandylion

yeah, some people are reluctant to get "involved"--so they pull back, after they find out that there is marital conflict. Ignore it.

I would suggest that you focus on getting your own crowd of "peeps" together. You aren't exactly chicken liver!!

firebolt

I'm so sorry, Pippi. We all believe you, and given the chance would laugh in STBXAH's charming face. Hang in there - I really hope that someone, somewhere along the line is going to see through it. take care!

PippiLngstockng

It costs like 5 million dollars to ship anything here!

dandylion

One small book? Let me worry about that. Please P.M. me.

dandylion

Oh, I realize that you may not wish to disclose your country to anyone--and I respect that. No problem.

PM me anyway--LOL

MissFixit

hi

ways to stop being finiancially dependent that i have done:
make a budget, actually make three (one is bare bones life necessities, one is a moderate existence and one is what you would ideally prefer)
figure out income sources ( earned income from job, investment income or liquidiation, items you could sell, lastly money from family if that is possible).
if income isnt enough what are ways to earn more money or reduce expenses (different job, second job, change in lifestyle or location)
develop contacts and interests outside of him if you do want to remove yourself from him ( i found that common friends went w him because of money, but there were exceptions) having interests not related to him help with re-establishing your independence as a person and can be very healing when you reconnect or begin to connect with parts of yourself that have been ignored

if you are interested i can tell you all the steps i took but it is lengthy for a post but am happy to help

DesertEyes

My apologies for the foul up I created earlier in the thread, which I have now cleaned up. That was entirely my fault. It will not happen again.

Mike
Moderator, SR

BtheChange

Hi Pippi,
I'm so sorry your world is still being turned upside down by your ex.

First off, why is your lawyer making you ask him for cash for food? Wouldn't it be better if your attorney made that request? In my own divorce from an AH, I have come to realize that some professionals just want to do the bare minimum and get back to their TV at night. I have learned that some counselors and attorneys can be completely ineffectual. Or worse, they will be bamboozled by your ex. It happens to me too and it is completely maddening. There are good ones, and I highly recommend a good counselor, but you may need to do a little research to find one. As for the grocers, neighbors, etc., they will learn what kind of man your ex is in time. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they think, it matters that you are acting with integrity, and protecting yourself from abuse.

Second, You can get away from him. You will have to do what Tuffgirl did, you have to stop being financially dependent on him. Let the lawyers work out the rest. It will take time, probably years. In the meantime, go as "no contact" as possible with your AH and find your own income.

Tuffgirl did it, and I am going through the same as well. Two years ago my AH and I were paying in income taxes what I now earn per year. Today the guidance counselor at my sons' school asked me if I wanted help for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I never ever thought I could accept or would need that kind of help. I can barely pay my bills, let alone save anything, but I am totally free of the madness of living with a grandiose, angry alcoholic. Tuffgirl is right, it IS so peaceful. And, when you go on your own, people will reach out to help in a meaningful way. None of us is immune to chaos in our lives, we all fall down once or twice.

My material circumstances have changed in a very drastic way, but I knew that when I left it would be like this. And still, having three vivacious children makes me feel wealthy in a way that money in the bank never could anyway. Like Tuffgirl, I also take pride in knowing that my ex has no hold over me.

Pippi, I know that you can do it on your own too. You are clearly very intelligent and sensible. Life will be different for you and the kids, but it could be a simple but lovely life of your own making. Your stxah is tormenting you financially, and you have gotten nowhere waiting for him to fork over a decent amount of money on a regular basis. The only way to get out of it is to go it on your own. You don't have to give up on the legal route, but that might take a very long time.

DesertEyes

Okay peeps, kindly take the time to read back on the original posters story. There are significant issues involving legislation in various countries. Encouraging posts are always nice, but specific experience involving multiple countries would actually be useful.

If you have not personally been unemployed in a foreign country, personally dealt with visitation and child support laws across international borders, then please temper all the subtle disapproval of the Original Posters decisions.

Mike
Moderator, SR

BtheChange

Yes, Mike, I get it. Thank you for making that point. I truly don't mean to come off as disapproving. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle what seems to be an incredibly complex situation.

Because each country has different laws, her situation is probably one that none of us have been in. But I do know what it is like to feel powerless, and then slowly get my power back by rebuilding a life of my own. I think it comes down to power: who we give it away to (unwittingly), and how we get it back. The legal system is part of the remedy, but sometimes it just isn't set up to protect people from some kinds of abuse in an efficient or timely manner.

PippiLngstockng

Thanks, Mike

I don't have an issue about the job thing. It will come, but it just hasn't yet. To keep my residency I need a job at a fairly high level with a permanent contract. Side, temp, under the table won't do anything but take time and energy from finding the employment that will allow us to remain here. So it is a little trickier than you might think. Plus, yes, Mike, being a foreigner and speaking the local language quite imperfectly sets me back, although I am always improving.

But I am not freaking about the job thing. That's someone else's issue here maybe, but not mine.

What was feeling so hard when I posted was this counsellor who heard the truth right from Ah's mouth declining to work with me when I need her. It's been the case that the support leaves as things get legal, finances tighten and Stbxah talks to people. That's the trap. Yes, I will get a job but that only alleviates some of the issues.

Now that I got that behind me, I will tell you the good news! My children returned from their visit with their father today!!! Yay, they are so fabulous! We have been hugging and singing and cooking and catching up all day! There is so much love here in this little apartment!

Then, there's also this. My oldest, age 16, did not go with his father last week. I had to take him there myself the next day and he wasn't too happy to go but the judge ordered the visit and I felt the others would be safer with him there and who knows? Maybe he and his dad would have a good moment or two.

He. Stayed. In. His. Room. The. Entire. Six. Days.

Then on the way back home just as his father was driving into our village, my boy and his dad got into an argument. Long story short, my boy punched his father in the face, giving him a bloody nose and fat lip.

Ah reacted by trying to trap him in the car. And he told his daughter to call the police and younger boy to lock the doors. My oldest escaped and ultimately ran inside our building where he locked himself in and everyone else out.

I wasn't there during any of this. I was at the pool and they arrived an hour early. When I got home AH was standing creepily in a nook at the corner of the narrow street and my oldest had shut himself in his room. Later, I coaxed my boy out and took him for a long walk and drive in the mountains. We had fun! He talked it all through and seems okay. He has decided to end all contact with his father until the transition/divorce/financial crisis is done.

May that be soon!

Ready for peace, serenity, stability and sanity!

PippiLngstockng

This post is titled 'Trapped by AH' and I just realized now today he trapped my boy.

My boy was the first to get physical. But isn't trying to trap your child in a car ( and getting younger brother to help lock the car) and have little sister call the police to report them rather wrong, too?

As I reread my writing, I am thinking how traumatic and out of control this all was.

suki44883

You husband was definitely out of control. Your son, due to his age, was acting out and probably shouldn't have punched his father, but he's only a kid. The fact that your husband wanted to trap him and call the police shows that his concern isn't for his children, it is for getting a step up, through the legal system, on you. Perhaps to prove that you aren't raising them right or whatever.

PippiLngstockng

Ah is upset with how our boy is acting towards him. Last night he wrote to me complaining that our boy has 'mental and behavioral problems'. This sounds more like a threat to me than concern for his child.

I agree Suki. Ah's wanting to call the police seems more in keeping with an effort to protect himself and even harm me than to improve his relationship with our boy.

The entrapment and use of siblings to help him seems akin to what he does to me. Make me look like the crazy one, block me from escape and manipulate loved ones to take his side and help him harm his prey.

It's demented.

PippiLngstockng

The other thing that's strange about this is that when I arrived home Ah was looking calm, though weirdly standing in a dark corner. He didn't appear upset. Whereas my boy was crying in his room and the other children were clearly rattled.

When stbxah is calm, that means trouble.