exhausted, hurt, worried
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
exhausted, hurt, worried
This forum has been so good to me. I wish I could write a helpful response to every single thread, but I'm here again because I'm exhausted, I'm the one who needs to say something, or support, or something. I'm just so sad and feel ill.
In the last month, I feel I have gained new insights into how my girlfriend functions (keeps her job as a *substance abuse/addictions nurse*) with her alcoholism. There was a very bad night recently (maybe the worst ever) that I guess has scarred me to an extent. On this night, 2 things occurred. She got to the point of blacking out, not just 'drunk'. 1) She went off on a tangent about how her negative hiv and std tests that she showed me at the start of our relationship were not as current as I believed them to be. She expressed some doubt about them, that she thought her ex might have cheated on her, and then related to me an incident at her job several months ago where a box holding sharps fell on her from a shelf. She said she was certain no needles hit her but she was worried about it for months when we started dating, because she has ocd tendencies. She told me that every week we've been together, she has tried to pick up the phone to make an appointment to go get her physical and get tested, but she believes God will give her a disease now that she has me and everything in her life is 'perfect'.
Secondly, I tried to hug her before we went to sleep and she threatened to hit me in my face, and then said she's going to kick me. She never did. I told her she was being abusive and she went in her kitchen and kicked her garbage can and said 'how is that for abusive'.
She has tried to explain the threat to hit me, saying that she blacked out that night and didn't know who I was. She cried about it. She told me that someone tried to kill her last year and she was somehow reliving that and went into fight mode.
The bigger thing for me is the test results. You see, I have have dealt with OCD and spent about 3 years in therapy overcoming my phobias - hiv and hepatitis C. It started when I was a medical writer and got worse and worse. I eventually switched jobs to something where I dealt with less health information. I have come such a long way. But her telling me this was a blow to my years of progress, my years of therapy, my years of not being able to be intimate with people without running out and getting a blood test.
This is what I have done. I found myself a doctor last week. I got tested for hiv, hep c and all other STDs and they were all negative. I informed my girlfriend, knowing full well she does not remember the conversation above. I told her my doctor said we both need to be on the same page.
Within a few days, she made her own appointment. It is my understanding that this morning she went for her blood test.
I suppose I post this because I was close to leaving before this happened. I had found a place in my heart for this relationship and attempted to envision a future without her, as heartbreaking as it is to even type. But now I need to know if everything is medically ok, not just emotionally or spiritually. My doctor said I don't need to worry, given my test results. But I'm screwed up by this. It is horrible to say, but I miss the days when the worst that happened was every few weeks she’d get drunk and cry about her past and I’d worry for her. I'm sorry this is so long.
In the last month, I feel I have gained new insights into how my girlfriend functions (keeps her job as a *substance abuse/addictions nurse*) with her alcoholism. There was a very bad night recently (maybe the worst ever) that I guess has scarred me to an extent. On this night, 2 things occurred. She got to the point of blacking out, not just 'drunk'. 1) She went off on a tangent about how her negative hiv and std tests that she showed me at the start of our relationship were not as current as I believed them to be. She expressed some doubt about them, that she thought her ex might have cheated on her, and then related to me an incident at her job several months ago where a box holding sharps fell on her from a shelf. She said she was certain no needles hit her but she was worried about it for months when we started dating, because she has ocd tendencies. She told me that every week we've been together, she has tried to pick up the phone to make an appointment to go get her physical and get tested, but she believes God will give her a disease now that she has me and everything in her life is 'perfect'.
Secondly, I tried to hug her before we went to sleep and she threatened to hit me in my face, and then said she's going to kick me. She never did. I told her she was being abusive and she went in her kitchen and kicked her garbage can and said 'how is that for abusive'.
She has tried to explain the threat to hit me, saying that she blacked out that night and didn't know who I was. She cried about it. She told me that someone tried to kill her last year and she was somehow reliving that and went into fight mode.
The bigger thing for me is the test results. You see, I have have dealt with OCD and spent about 3 years in therapy overcoming my phobias - hiv and hepatitis C. It started when I was a medical writer and got worse and worse. I eventually switched jobs to something where I dealt with less health information. I have come such a long way. But her telling me this was a blow to my years of progress, my years of therapy, my years of not being able to be intimate with people without running out and getting a blood test.
This is what I have done. I found myself a doctor last week. I got tested for hiv, hep c and all other STDs and they were all negative. I informed my girlfriend, knowing full well she does not remember the conversation above. I told her my doctor said we both need to be on the same page.
Within a few days, she made her own appointment. It is my understanding that this morning she went for her blood test.
I suppose I post this because I was close to leaving before this happened. I had found a place in my heart for this relationship and attempted to envision a future without her, as heartbreaking as it is to even type. But now I need to know if everything is medically ok, not just emotionally or spiritually. My doctor said I don't need to worry, given my test results. But I'm screwed up by this. It is horrible to say, but I miss the days when the worst that happened was every few weeks she’d get drunk and cry about her past and I’d worry for her. I'm sorry this is so long.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds like you got negative test results, so you are willing to sweep everything under the rug and just want her on the same page. Have you already forgotten her abuse towards you? She threatened you and was physically violent in your presence. That is not something to take lightly. Threats and acts towards inanimate objects will eventually become acts towards people. This whole situation smacks of mental instability, and the alcohol is just another layer on the cake. What are you doing to take care of yourself in this relationship? Are you attending Al-Anon?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by blake1989 
. . . . my doctor said we both need to be on the same page.
you need to get the f-away, now.
I follow you think when it is good it is so good . . . and all the rest.
DTBT, got the t-shirt.
You (ok dammit, *we*) will put up with this sh1t because we have low-self-esteem (yeah, think about it) and figure damn near anyone/anything is better than nothing and this is what *we* deserve.
Aint so. RUN. NOW.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello blake, and pleased to "meet" you 
No worries, that is exactly how everybody arrives here 
Been there, seen that.
My ex #2 has several addictions, one of them is "rage-aholic". I have learned, from my journey thru life as an alanoid, that all addictions are progressive. Without treatment they get worse, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.
The first time I saw my ex become violent was when the post office lost a package from her mother. She went to the post office and had to be thrown out, then I had to deal with the phone calls from the post office. Some time later my ex was hospitalized as a result of her other addictions, one day while I was visiting she launched out of her bed and tried to attack a nurse. Had I not been there on that day I am sure the nurse would have been injured. There were other times, but that is enough of an example.
The way I see it, I have a responsibilty to look out for the safety of other people. My friends, co-workers, and even strangers such as that nurse. By allowing my ex into my life I was indirectly telling my friends that this woman is safe. My friends trusted _me_ to make a choice that _they_ could trust as a new friend in _their_ life.
My ex was _not_ somebody my friends could trust, because she might launch and attack them _physically_ when any one of her various "isms" would trigger the rage.
I used to say exactly the same words when my ex would get violent. Until the _next_ time she did it, which was worse than the time before. _That_ is the lesson I had to learn in my own recovery. There never _is_ a "worst ever" because with an addict there will _always_ be yet another time, and because the disease is progressive, the next time will be worse.
When I finally got enough recovery to understand that concept I realized that I was involved in a one-way relationship. I was doing my best to be a good partner, but I did not have a _real partner_ on the receiving end. I just had a roommate with addiction problems. It was only in my imagination that she was a partner.
I decided I did not want a violent roommate, there's no shortage of roommates out there, one ad in CraigsList and I could get a dozen normal people to split the rent, and I would sleep easier at night.
Mike
Originally Posted by blake1989
... I wish I could write a helpful response to every single thread, but I'm here again because I'm exhausted, ...
Originally Posted by blake1989
... she threatened to hit me in my face, and then said she's going to kick me. She never did. I told her she was being abusive and she went in her kitchen and kicked her garbage can and said 'how is that for abusive'. ...
My ex #2 has several addictions, one of them is "rage-aholic". I have learned, from my journey thru life as an alanoid, that all addictions are progressive. Without treatment they get worse, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.
The first time I saw my ex become violent was when the post office lost a package from her mother. She went to the post office and had to be thrown out, then I had to deal with the phone calls from the post office. Some time later my ex was hospitalized as a result of her other addictions, one day while I was visiting she launched out of her bed and tried to attack a nurse. Had I not been there on that day I am sure the nurse would have been injured. There were other times, but that is enough of an example.
The way I see it, I have a responsibilty to look out for the safety of other people. My friends, co-workers, and even strangers such as that nurse. By allowing my ex into my life I was indirectly telling my friends that this woman is safe. My friends trusted _me_ to make a choice that _they_ could trust as a new friend in _their_ life.
My ex was _not_ somebody my friends could trust, because she might launch and attack them _physically_ when any one of her various "isms" would trigger the rage.
Originally Posted by blake1989
... There was a very bad night recently (maybe the worst ever) ...
When I finally got enough recovery to understand that concept I realized that I was involved in a one-way relationship. I was doing my best to be a good partner, but I did not have a _real partner_ on the receiving end. I just had a roommate with addiction problems. It was only in my imagination that she was a partner.
I decided I did not want a violent roommate, there's no shortage of roommates out there, one ad in CraigsList and I could get a dozen normal people to split the rent, and I would sleep easier at night.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Oh God, this is an active alcoholic you're talking about and it's good not to give weight to anything she says. I'm a recovering alcoholic (22 years) and I don't even remember all the crazy things I told other people! To say alcoholic thinking is distorted is putting it mildly.
It's much better to go to Alanon and deal with your own issues. Read the wonderful postings on this website........
It's much better to go to Alanon and deal with your own issues. Read the wonderful postings on this website........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thank you all. I read your comments several times. Yes, she is an active alcoholic. She admits it when she's drinking. NYCDogLvr, she has often told me 'don't listen to anything i say when i'm drinking', or 'you have to take everything i say with a grain of salt'. The hiv thing is the one I can't ignore because of my own ocd problems. My best friend is a doctor and he said he wouldn't think about it, but I'm not like him. It is hard to explain the workings of ocd. Or maybe not. Instead of being an alcoholic, my brain has phobias it seems addicted to ruminating about. I conquered a lot of it with thousands of dollars of cognitive therapy, but she brought back old phobias I thought were behind me. Since she is a healthcare professional, and I looked at her hard copies of these very tests (but never checked the dates), I thought we were good to go. 2 doctors have told me we still are fine. But I need the data from her now - the data that says she's negative too. Then I can move towards a decision.
Grits, I'm not willing to sweep all this under the rug anymore. I've been sweeping for a long time, because I love her so much. And all she does is sweep. I have started telling her we can't sweep the things she says under the rug. Ironically, in a funny/sad way, she literally is sweeping. When she drinks, she is often compelled to clean, vacuum, wash dishes, get on her hands and knees and bleach the floors. Her place is immaculate - like an ikea bedroom or kitchen display. I stopped analyzing it, but there's something there..
Mike, thanks for your thoughtful response. It really made me think. My gf has met only one of my friends because all my friends are scattered across the US instead of local. I have no local support system (aside from al anon and a new therapist), and no friends in my city. My gf is literally the only person I know besides work acquaintances. And my parents don't know anything about her (besides a plan to introduce her) because they would judge me, criticize my choice and perhaps try to intervene. She proposed to me several months ago, and I said yes (she was drinking but remembers it, so she half 'jokes' that we're engaged). She asks when we are meeting my parents constantly. She has valuables she inherited and is taking to an appraiser for a down payment on the house she wants us to buy. She insists on paying for everything and won't let me pay for her even when I try. I used to think she was an angel when she wasn't drinking, but it's more like in her sober times she is constantly making amends.
So that's why it has been so hard to run, Hammer. I guess I've been getting apologies, amends, candle light dinners, weekends of no drinking, whole weeks of no drinking, where this behavior melted away and she was just the beautiful person she is capable of being. And then I learned about the 'dry drunk' concept. And the love and niceness almost held less weight.
Mike, two of my friends have told me they don't want to meet her. They had planned to make a trip to meet her. Your comments made me think about my friends. I don't believe my girlfriend is dangerous. I believe she is profoundly scarred and hurt (as she says, she is 'broken'), and her wounds have yet to heal because she will not address them. But yes, there is some part of me that feels like she's taking me down with her, and I am fighting not to let that happen. My codependence makes it a fight. And the new info makes it even harder. My last girlfriend tried to kill herself and then stab me the day I broke up with her, and I guess that's something that's making me put it off too.
Grits, I'm not willing to sweep all this under the rug anymore. I've been sweeping for a long time, because I love her so much. And all she does is sweep. I have started telling her we can't sweep the things she says under the rug. Ironically, in a funny/sad way, she literally is sweeping. When she drinks, she is often compelled to clean, vacuum, wash dishes, get on her hands and knees and bleach the floors. Her place is immaculate - like an ikea bedroom or kitchen display. I stopped analyzing it, but there's something there..
Mike, thanks for your thoughtful response. It really made me think. My gf has met only one of my friends because all my friends are scattered across the US instead of local. I have no local support system (aside from al anon and a new therapist), and no friends in my city. My gf is literally the only person I know besides work acquaintances. And my parents don't know anything about her (besides a plan to introduce her) because they would judge me, criticize my choice and perhaps try to intervene. She proposed to me several months ago, and I said yes (she was drinking but remembers it, so she half 'jokes' that we're engaged). She asks when we are meeting my parents constantly. She has valuables she inherited and is taking to an appraiser for a down payment on the house she wants us to buy. She insists on paying for everything and won't let me pay for her even when I try. I used to think she was an angel when she wasn't drinking, but it's more like in her sober times she is constantly making amends.
So that's why it has been so hard to run, Hammer. I guess I've been getting apologies, amends, candle light dinners, weekends of no drinking, whole weeks of no drinking, where this behavior melted away and she was just the beautiful person she is capable of being. And then I learned about the 'dry drunk' concept. And the love and niceness almost held less weight.
Mike, two of my friends have told me they don't want to meet her. They had planned to make a trip to meet her. Your comments made me think about my friends. I don't believe my girlfriend is dangerous. I believe she is profoundly scarred and hurt (as she says, she is 'broken'), and her wounds have yet to heal because she will not address them. But yes, there is some part of me that feels like she's taking me down with her, and I am fighting not to let that happen. My codependence makes it a fight. And the new info makes it even harder. My last girlfriend tried to kill herself and then stab me the day I broke up with her, and I guess that's something that's making me put it off too.
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