He fell off the wagon after 5 years...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 3
He fell off the wagon after 5 years...
DH fell off the wagon after 5 years. I don't know if I'm ready for this, to even write this post, I just can't believe I'm here again.
We've been married for 7 years. We have a 22 month old daughter and I am 16 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby. I married him knowing he was an alcoholic, to me it was a calculated risk. I didn't want to give up on him. Yes, I wanted to fix him, I wanted to fix what everyone else had broken. His mom died when he was a baby, his brother, and only sibling, killed himself when DH was only 8 years old, and DH was the one to find him. He spent the next 10 years living alone with his alcoholic, extremely abusive father. When I met him he had a light I had not seen before. He was incredibly charismatic and almost infectious.
The first 2 years being married to DH were hard. His addiction was clearly not within his control. Nearing a divorce, he finally hit rock bottom one night, in an attempt to take his life, he was arrested and that intervention led to him spending 45 days in in-patient treatment. It was incredibly hard to move on with him after that fateful night, but we did move on, and we found trust and love and happiness...and peace.
Fast forward to this past December, we went on a beach vacation, and he decided it might be ok to have 1 drink while on vacation. Since that choice, he has been drinking behind my back on and off (10 months now). Recently its escalated, I've found him completely sloppy wasted in the basement in the middle of the night, several times. Angry when confronted, and so so so wasted, unable to speak. I told him my daughter (and unborn baby) would not go through this with me, I will not go through this again. I thought we hit another bottom last weekend, when he begged me not to leave and that he was getting right back on track, but last night proved me wrong, again. DH has a very stressful job, he has a lot of responsibility, a group of 14 that he manages, he makes a lot of money, etc. While on a business trip to the east coast, he called me last night at 3am and couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything to him, so I just sat there, and he cried. I dont know why he called me. I am heartbroken. How can this be happening to me right now? I feel like I cant tell anyone. I've been carrying this burden for months, this incredible secret, and I'm torn between helping him and shielding my children from ever having to experience their father like this. Being pregnant is not helping the situation, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I do right now. I just dont know what to do from here....
We've been married for 7 years. We have a 22 month old daughter and I am 16 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby. I married him knowing he was an alcoholic, to me it was a calculated risk. I didn't want to give up on him. Yes, I wanted to fix him, I wanted to fix what everyone else had broken. His mom died when he was a baby, his brother, and only sibling, killed himself when DH was only 8 years old, and DH was the one to find him. He spent the next 10 years living alone with his alcoholic, extremely abusive father. When I met him he had a light I had not seen before. He was incredibly charismatic and almost infectious.
The first 2 years being married to DH were hard. His addiction was clearly not within his control. Nearing a divorce, he finally hit rock bottom one night, in an attempt to take his life, he was arrested and that intervention led to him spending 45 days in in-patient treatment. It was incredibly hard to move on with him after that fateful night, but we did move on, and we found trust and love and happiness...and peace.
Fast forward to this past December, we went on a beach vacation, and he decided it might be ok to have 1 drink while on vacation. Since that choice, he has been drinking behind my back on and off (10 months now). Recently its escalated, I've found him completely sloppy wasted in the basement in the middle of the night, several times. Angry when confronted, and so so so wasted, unable to speak. I told him my daughter (and unborn baby) would not go through this with me, I will not go through this again. I thought we hit another bottom last weekend, when he begged me not to leave and that he was getting right back on track, but last night proved me wrong, again. DH has a very stressful job, he has a lot of responsibility, a group of 14 that he manages, he makes a lot of money, etc. While on a business trip to the east coast, he called me last night at 3am and couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything to him, so I just sat there, and he cried. I dont know why he called me. I am heartbroken. How can this be happening to me right now? I feel like I cant tell anyone. I've been carrying this burden for months, this incredible secret, and I'm torn between helping him and shielding my children from ever having to experience their father like this. Being pregnant is not helping the situation, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I do right now. I just dont know what to do from here....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 73
I am so sorry, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now.
Are you able to go visit a friend, or your parents for a few days? Bring your daughter with you and just take some time to regroup? That might be beneficial to you...feeling safe and being supported by people that love you can work magic.
Are you able to go visit a friend, or your parents for a few days? Bring your daughter with you and just take some time to regroup? That might be beneficial to you...feeling safe and being supported by people that love you can work magic.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Alanon. Go. Now.
Dont worry about kid-care -- take the 22 month old, with some stuff to play with.
If someone has a problem with that, you have likely wandered in to an Assholeanon (yes there are some) and find another group.
We will be waiting for you.
-=====
On the him, him, him stuff. He crashed before and made it back. Likely can again.
Look you have one kid to take care and one on the way. That is two hands, and two kids.
He is not your kid and does not need you to do right.
Tell him AA, clean-up or leave. All his choice.
Dont worry about kid-care -- take the 22 month old, with some stuff to play with.
If someone has a problem with that, you have likely wandered in to an Assholeanon (yes there are some) and find another group.
We will be waiting for you.
-=====
On the him, him, him stuff. He crashed before and made it back. Likely can again.
Look you have one kid to take care and one on the way. That is two hands, and two kids.
He is not your kid and does not need you to do right.
Tell him AA, clean-up or leave. All his choice.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh, my heart is breaking for you just reading your post. I'm so sorry you are in this situation & I wish I had great, sage advice. I agree that you need some support, I hope you find it very soon. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It sure is a life long disease. All it takes is that one drink to break the beast out. My husband went 20 years. One drink in 2009 n here he is 4 years later trying to sober up again. It's just awful. All he wanted to do was celebrate a new house, job, car, bike. That drink almost killed him.
You never know what will set the wheels in motion to start down that hellacious path after a long stint at sobriety. I pray he finds the strength to get sober again. It's so sad. Please, stay with us. Read all you can. We're here for you.
You never know what will set the wheels in motion to start down that hellacious path after a long stint at sobriety. I pray he finds the strength to get sober again. It's so sad. Please, stay with us. Read all you can. We're here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HOLDingOn---May I please ask---what kind of program was he working at the time he took the drink that began this relapse?? It seems (to me) that relapse is most likely to happen when the alcoholic has drifted away from their program--which leaves them vulnerable when "hard times" come. Also can happen when a strong "Good time" comes along.
This is information to carry in your hat.......
dandylion
This is information to carry in your hat.......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for the support. I'm reading these, sitting at my desk in the corner, praying that today I can just be left alone, and that my silence is either going unnoticed or it is so noticeable that my coworkers are just giving me the space I obviously need.
I'm not ready to involve my family or friends, I can't face them. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the pity. I'm scared they will never forgive him this time.
Dandylion - you are so right. He hasn't been in AA since 1 year sober, when his court order ended. He said he preferred to walk this road alone. Not having been through recovery, and with his continued success, I didn't question it. I wish I had his old sponsor's phone number right now though.
It's interesting too, your point about a strong "good time" - we just moved into our dream house in April, he received a huge promotion in May, and we had a successful IVF pregnancy in July. I thought we were on top of the world...
I'm not ready to involve my family or friends, I can't face them. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the pity. I'm scared they will never forgive him this time.
Dandylion - you are so right. He hasn't been in AA since 1 year sober, when his court order ended. He said he preferred to walk this road alone. Not having been through recovery, and with his continued success, I didn't question it. I wish I had his old sponsor's phone number right now though.
It's interesting too, your point about a strong "good time" - we just moved into our dream house in April, he received a huge promotion in May, and we had a successful IVF pregnancy in July. I thought we were on top of the world...
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
If someone has a problem with that, you have likely wandered in to an Assholeanon (yes there are some)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Hi Holdingon. I'm so sorry. You need to keep your focus on the most important thing right now: that baby and you. I was pregnant when things got really out of control for my husband. I ended up making a plan with my family for when the baby came, as I would be having a C-section and didn't want to be at home with a drunk. I remember feeling like the world was ending. He ended up going to rehab shortly before our daughter was born. I also have a 4 year old. Please don't isolate yourself - I also did that and ended up being so stressed that I went on sick leave two months before baby was due. I went to Al-Anon every week while pregnant, and since my daughter was born, she's come with me a handful of times.
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