Lyssy

It has been written here often that “you will leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving”.

I have been contemplating this for a long time. When rH was active leaving was always forefront in my mind. How can I get away from this insanity? Why is he behaving this way? Why does he treat me xyz and then turn around and say the he is sorry and that he loves me. It didn’t help that he was abusive and nasty about any talk of separation on a mature, adult level.

Since rH has gone to rehab and been sober since Feb (as far as I know), things have not gone well. I have been actively working on me. Here (SR), online Al-anon, books, therapist, etc. The saying “take what you need/want and leave the rest” SOOO applies. It doesn’t mean that you disagree with what is said, it simply means that it does not necessarily apply in the way it is being said. But a lot of times, if you take the principle (or spirit) in which it is being presented it most often can be applied.

At my last appointment with my T I was discussing my plans for leaving and she suggested that I not tell him and that I just make my arrangements and then pack up and leave while he is at work. I was shocked. While our relationship has been rocky, there is no real fighting, (some arguments) but tension and disappointments. This happened at the very end of our appointment – I told her that I didn’t feel right doing it that way and that I owed it to him to be honest and forthcoming. Her comment back was “oh, so you want to have one last knock-down-drag-out with him”. I thought about this on my drive home and realized that – no, that was not what I wanted. And honestly it was not what I intended and then it hit me. I didn’t want to “be honest” with him for the sake of our relationship and marriage, I wanted it for ME. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it really wouldn’t make any difference to him and would probably only satisfy some sick need in me to “have the last say” or “hurt” him in some way which, again, was NOT what I really wanted to do.

I came to the realization that I just want to be recovered from the insanity of his addition and my co-dependency. I WANT RECOVERY. I want life. I want love. I want a healthy relationship with myself (and possibly another) and while he may be not drinking I believe that he does not (want recovery) based on his actions and words. Maybe he will get there, maybe he won’t, but FOR ME the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.

From a link provided by a previous post I ran across this article. In it, it is referring to the A’s addiction but I think it can also apply to us codies.
What is Recovery?

NeedSomeHappy

I, too, will be packing up and leaving while he is at work. I don't trust that he will be an adult and handle things as one, and I do not trust that he will not try to sabotage my leaving in some way by damaging my car or taking my keys and running like he has in the past. Initially I wanted to do things "the right way" as well, but he is just too unstable and I don't want to risk it escalating into a dangerous situation. It's me looking out for me, not me trying to do right by someone who has rarely done right by me.

I completely relate to what you are going through. Just keep swimming.

firebolt

Yep, if and when the time comes, I'll be gone before he's home from work on a Monday. It has to be that way, because otherwise, he quacks and I fall for it, against everything I know.