How to get the A to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Sorry to bump my own thread. SR is the only place I can openly share these things and getting them out in the open (instead of keeping it trapped inside my head) really helps me process it all...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey you all are still friendly on it. Not so bad.
I would probably (oh geeezzz, here comes nutty) put a nookie countdown clock on the bedroom wall. Whenever 24 hours counts down to 0, bring your helmets, cause we are slam-a-jamming right through the bed headboard.
Problem in all this -- things are heading towards tying something that is a You+He thing -- sex, love, closeness AGAINST *HIS* Addiction. That Addiction is a MONSTER and will try to destroy anything that gets in its path. Including the Addict. And You. And Sex, Love, and Closeness.
This stuff is described as "demons," for a cause.
I would probably (oh geeezzz, here comes nutty) put a nookie countdown clock on the bedroom wall. Whenever 24 hours counts down to 0, bring your helmets, cause we are slam-a-jamming right through the bed headboard.
Problem in all this -- things are heading towards tying something that is a You+He thing -- sex, love, closeness AGAINST *HIS* Addiction. That Addiction is a MONSTER and will try to destroy anything that gets in its path. Including the Addict. And You. And Sex, Love, and Closeness.
This stuff is described as "demons," for a cause.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Syd 
Sorry to bump my own thread. SR is the only place I can openly share these things and getting them out in the open (instead of keeping it trapped inside my head) really helps me process it all...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
A's are childlike (except my 3.5 yr old is better behaved than most A's), so consider the source. Don't bang your head too hard on the desk - you'll end up with a headache - and you don't want one of those if he actually makes it the 24 hours!
But seriously, let him peeve, let him moan, groan, and pout about. Give yourself a gold star!
C-OH Dad
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by dandylion
A countdown clock, Hammer? REALLY??!!
1. hold breath and do not drink for 24 hours.
2. Get some.
3. Get up and go drink to celebrate.
You think just like a man.
THAT actually makes me feel better about me being such a poosy.
dandylion
though..I do see some redemptive value in your follow-up commentary.
though..I do see some redemptive value in your follow-up commentary.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Syd,
Besides this being a legally issue and yes you should consult with an attorney to understand what your options may be, some other things to consider.
Let’s say you and the kids do get the house in the divorce:
Will you be able to pay the mortgage - on your own?
Will you be able to pay for repairs and up keep – on your own?
Will you be able to pay for the electric, gas, cable, home insurance – on your own?
Will you be able to work full time and provide child care if needed – on your own?
Will you be in need of a new car and be able to lease or buy one – on your own?
OR ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO REPLY ON THE ALCOHILC PROVIDING CHILD/SPOUSAL SUPPORT? ……………cause replying on the un-reliable is a plan for disaster. What they call “functional” alcoholics, the ones who get up and go to work every day – often become the “alcoholics who lose their jobs” alcoholism is a progressive disease, don’t forget that.
Besides this being a legally issue and yes you should consult with an attorney to understand what your options may be, some other things to consider.
Let’s say you and the kids do get the house in the divorce:
Will you be able to pay the mortgage - on your own?
Will you be able to pay for repairs and up keep – on your own?
Will you be able to pay for the electric, gas, cable, home insurance – on your own?
Will you be able to work full time and provide child care if needed – on your own?
Will you be in need of a new car and be able to lease or buy one – on your own?
OR ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO REPLY ON THE ALCOHILC PROVIDING CHILD/SPOUSAL SUPPORT? ……………cause replying on the un-reliable is a plan for disaster. What they call “functional” alcoholics, the ones who get up and go to work every day – often become the “alcoholics who lose their jobs” alcoholism is a progressive disease, don’t forget that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by Syd
Sorry to bump my own thread. SR is the only place I can openly share these things and getting them out in the open (instead of keeping it trapped inside my head) really helps me process it all...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
When AH and I had "the chat" last week, I told him that he needed to be sober before I would have sex with him anymore. 24 hours without a drink - that was my only requirement. Last night, after 3 shots of rum, he asked for it. I declined and he blew up.
He told me that he had been making real progress - that he had cut back a lot. I agreed and told him I was proud of him for that. He said, "Then why not give me a reward? Where's my gold star?" After an hour of calmly debating the issue, he said we were heading toward divorce, and that it was my fault. Why couldn't I just do him this one favor? He never asks anything of me. I'm just giving excuses, and when he does go 24 hours without, he's sure I'll still decline. He stomped off, went to bed, and we didn't speak again until this morning.
This morning, I was in the kitchen with the kids when he came downstairs and I said, "Good morning," to which he replied, "Mm-hmm." He didn't speak to me any more while he was here, and left for work without a goodbye.
An hour of so after he left, I started feeling guilty about how things went last night, and I texted him, "I do love you. With all my heart. Just thought that needed to be said this morning. Have a great day!" His response? "Thanks."
Argh.
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Really? This is how we're going to try to handle this? Geez. Banging head against desk...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
We need to see actions, not hear words. True, his actions are saying he's making progress, but until that progress is long-term it means very little to you. Having it mean little to you is actually a very good thing - it means you aren't getting sucked into the "I love you, can't lose you, will do anything for you" BS that they put out to get us sucked back in - before they slowly start sucking the life out of the household once again.
So, KUDOS to you for keeping a clear head and not getting complacent.
And it's great you could hold the intimacy boundary. I mean seriously, would he let you go to bed with him while you had some OTHER GUY strapped to you? That is how it feels to make love to a drunk/high person.
At least, that's how it felt to me, and when I finally allowed myself to fully experience that fundamental "betrayal" of our trust and closeness, I was done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
A quick update...
After yet another hospitalization after days of him trying to beat it on his own, I finally threw in the towel. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I couldn't continue to allow the kids to see him at death's door. Our little family has broken: we have divorced, and the kids and I have moved out of state.
He went to rehab for a second time. The first was a terrible experience. The second seemed to be a better fit for him. He stayed there for a month, by which time the divorce was well under way.
So, I didn't get my A to leave. I had to leave him. The kids and I have started over, and, from what I can tell, he is still sober six months later. I'm still angry and sad, though I try not to let it show. The kids are happy in their new life, but I'm sure they're probably just as angry and sad as I am. I'm hoping this decision was for the best. It's frustrating that years later, I'm still asking, "why don't I feel better?"
Big sigh.
After yet another hospitalization after days of him trying to beat it on his own, I finally threw in the towel. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I couldn't continue to allow the kids to see him at death's door. Our little family has broken: we have divorced, and the kids and I have moved out of state.
He went to rehab for a second time. The first was a terrible experience. The second seemed to be a better fit for him. He stayed there for a month, by which time the divorce was well under way.
So, I didn't get my A to leave. I had to leave him. The kids and I have started over, and, from what I can tell, he is still sober six months later. I'm still angry and sad, though I try not to let it show. The kids are happy in their new life, but I'm sure they're probably just as angry and sad as I am. I'm hoping this decision was for the best. It's frustrating that years later, I'm still asking, "why don't I feel better?"
Big sigh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi Syd, I'm sorry that didn't work out better for you.
It will take time, you are no doubt still grieving the relationship, or how you foresaw it going.
Do you attend Al-Anon? You really need all the support you can get now.
It will take time, you are no doubt still grieving the relationship, or how you foresaw it going.
Do you attend Al-Anon? You really need all the support you can get now.
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