worriedmind

...but there's something blocking my escape!

In my head I think one thing but my heart keeps telling me that it can get better, and eventually will. It just keeps getting worse. I feel like I have no one to blame but myself because it's my choice to stay, but I don't know how I'll change that. how do people do it???

RhodeIsland

It is an addiction... or at least has the qualities of one.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-painful.html

For what it's worth, I haven't seen much posts about regretting leaving an A. you come first, and you deserve to be loved with someone who will put you before substance abuse.

dandylion

worriedmind, when a person is feeling "stuck", as you describe, it is generally because they are somewhere in the FOG. F=fear O=obligation G=guilt.

I found that I first had to admit to myself what I was afraid of.

dandylion

Hammer

omigod. THAT is funny.

Has me laughing out loud.

Great Stuff.

Jd77

I so can related to this. Know you're not alone. I am going through the exact same thing. It's soooo hard.

firebolt

Yep, I'm here with you too. It's painful, and maddening, and so defeating.

NYCDoglvr

Like alcoholics, codependents also have to deal with denial and rationalization. It's codependency at work. Can you get to Alanon? It saved my life, my sanity and helped me break free of a very destructive relationship.

KAHJPC2012

I'm experiencing something similar, my now ex RA can't love me because of him drastically changing in AA, something inside him told him he can't be with me anymore and needs to find his true self.

My heart tells me I love him, my head tells me I should give up but there's this overpowering feelings which I don't know where it originates but it puts my mind at ease and tells me not to give up and to hold on.

I didn't believe in God until meeting my RA and seeing how his life changed for the better after handing his life over to God. I decided after the split I would hand my life over to my understanding of God and I pray every day for the strength to manage my feelings. Ever since my first prayer that feeling has been there telling me not to give up.

Feel for you. X

Jd77

I am struggling with this feeling right now. I know that life with my ABF will be harder that I want it to be. I know I deserve more but my heart fights my head. Do I stay or go? My ABF relapsed and is back in rehab again. I'm lonely, sad, confused. I need to keep reminding myself that he caused this. I've talked to his sponsor who told me that an A in early recovery needs to make themselves and getting better the priority. This is (I guess) why they advise against relationship during the first year of recovery. I'm beginning to realize that for him to do it right, he can not make me the priority in his life for a long, long time- if ever. Sobriety comes first. I think I deserve more. I want to be first in someone's life. I deserve it. I can't compete with alcohol- I'll always lose. Is that type if relationship good enough for me? For you?

That being said, I haven't left yet. In sorting my thoughts and trying to take my own advice (sort of). I hope I look back someday and see that it was worth it.

You are not alone. I totally understand and I know the others on here do too. SR has been a godsend. Stay strong...

KAHJPC2012

You fell in love with an alcoholic and he will always be an alcoholic regardless of being sober or active. Try not to take the way he makes you feel to heart, it's not him and he doesn't want to do that to you, it's the disease and he needs to work on that to stop him doing the things he does including the way he makes you feel.
I found this online, it helped me a lot...
Dear Future Love Of My Life,

Even though we haven’t met yet, I have to take a moment to offer a word of caution, before attempting to have a relationship. Trust me, you will thank me in the end.

See there’s a slight problem thinking that you can have a fairy tale when you will never be able to put anything or anyone above your sobriety. To knowingly be selfish – because that’s what saves my life is a double edged sword because it will also keep me from loving you with my all. I know that you want to be first. You want my heart and my love… but you have to realize… if I give you all of ‘me’ then I will lose the one thing that I value above all – my recovery.

Resentments

So many resentments will build and eventually those resentments will explode in a Mt. Vesuvius fashion – destroying everything in its path – including me, including you and every single thing that we value and love in this world.

Dear Future Love Of My Life,

I’m sorry but we will never be Middle America. We will never have a relationship that resembles any sense of normalcy. There will be no 50/50 or even any shade of compromise or understanding that doesn’t have me putting myself first. Selfish and self-seeking, that’s how I was when I drank. All ego. All hubris. All bravado. The same degree of being selfish that kept me locked in a warped world where my false perception created a disillusioned reality is the same degree of selfishness that I have to have every single day in order to stay alive.

I must turn my will over to the God of my understanding, to admit that I am powerless and to have my first and last thought of each day be gratitude for another 24. And while you may be an observer, perhaps at times an active participant – the world of my sobriety will always be foreign to you. And it will always come first.

But…

Because it comes first I am able to do something that I never thought was possible.

Feel emotions for you that are true, that are not in a fog or haze and that are pure. Sober means when I say I love you – I do. But I can only love you with part of my heart – not all of it. There will always be a small part of my heart where only the God of my understanding resides. Where I have conversations with Him that I will never have with another human being.

That’s my salvation. That’s my serenity. That is my true love.

Without Him – there would be nothing in me to give to you. So please accept what I have to give, because it truly is all I can safely give to you.



I hope it helped you as it did me. If you truly love him something inside will stop you giving up but you need to take care of yourself as well as supporting him. There is no point bailing him out or making excuses, he needs to hit his ultimate rock bottom to realise he needs to change and as much as it hurts you need to let him hit that stage.

I will you all the very best and I hope you regain the state of happiness soon x

Zimmi

I feel your pain, and have been there and dealing with my feelings about xabf. I wanted it to end years before it actually did, in the end as his disease progressed and so did my codependence it got intolarable the abuse the fear that it ended. In a very messy, horrible way and my head knows it is for the best my heart forgets, so i have to keep reminded myself how bad it was, by ended it and no contact he may have a chance but if not I'm not in his firing line. One day at a time. To be honest for me digging my feet in living in hope didnt do him or me any favours. I think in the end the situation gets intolarable and then you have to act. Take care of yourself and be easy on yourself too.