Hopeworks

Hi Upset,

I would write your son's bail bond but would want cash collateral... if he chooses to run to another country you might be better off in the long run and so would the U.S. because it does sound like he doesn't really want to change his lifestyle.

With an attempted murder of a police officer, possession gun by a convicted felon and his record they would probably extradite from South America.

I am ACOA and own a string of bail bond agencies... MOST of my clients who number in the hundreds of thousands after 40 years in the business have drug and alcohol issues. Most come from dysfunctional families, fatherless homes, extreme poverty and the list goes on.

Life isn't fair. It wasn't fair to me and maybe it wasn't fair to your son. It sounds like you may have been a codependent mom (I had one) and the first time your son had a run in with the law (who often isn't "fair" either) you ran interference.

I am a social activist and I work for political change in the criminal justice system as well as trying to help families with loved ones in the criminal justice system with substance abuse issues.

I understand how you feel... it is a complicated issue and not black or white...

BUT... I know this... I KNOW THIS... because I lived it personally. Any human being that WANTS to change their life even if they are the worst of addicts and completely enslaved to drink or drugs can change. They can change in prison, they can change outside of prison. They can change in AA... they can change in church... they can change sitting in their backyard or prison yard and gaze at the sky full of stars and pray a heartfelt prayer to God and He will show up.

My dear friend... hear my heart. Your son has not broken up with his friends nor his lifestyle. Do not feed his anger at the system by suggesting to him he is a victim.

I was a victim. I was abused. My entire childhood. So were my siblings. All of them. Some of us fought our way out of our brokenness and became champions for those who have no voice... the poor, the incarcerated and the marginalized. One of my sisters is one of the highest judges in the land and fights for the rights of women and the poor nationally.

All but one sibling. My brother. The baby. My mother coddled him and got him out of trouble from the first time he got into trouble at 13. Ran interference and rescued him time after time. He is convicted felon and a lifelong alcoholic. He will be picking a trial next month for a DUI trial and if he loses he will lose his license for life and do a year in the jail.

He could have killed somebody drinking and driving. I didn't want to get him out of jail but my 90 year old mom got him out and hired him a lawyer... the BEST.

He may win his trial (he won one last year for the same charge with the same lawyer) and he may kill a family of 5 next year drinking and driving.

My brother is as smart as my sister...she is a pure genius and has been a light and has made incredible contributions to better the lives of people all over the nation.

My sister had the door slammed in her face by my alcoholic father when she came to our door crying because she and her infant son were hungry. Her husband had just died and she was alone in the world. She was in her early twenties. I was about 7 years old and it was the first time I realized my father was a psychopathic cruel scary person. He screamed at her that she would never amount to anything and I didn't see my sister again for 10 years.

My sister overcame every obstacle and made every dream come true. That infant in her arms is a very successful business person and owns multiple companies. She went on to have more children who are all happy, healthy and successful.

My brother? Who was treated the exact opposite? He has been in and out of jail, steals from family members, never supported his daughter who has no respect for him and continues to make bad choice after bad choice.

You are not responsible for another adult. He is a grown man. His choices put him into jail not the unfair system (and it is unfair) but all of life is UNFAIR! Nobody gets a rose garden, lollipops, unicorns and rainbows for breakfast every morning.

You deal with what you have been given. Crazy, abusive dad? Try to get out alive and live differently. Sounds like your child had a good chance to be successful with a normie mom but CHOOSES to hang with druggies that carry guns and acts mystified and outraged because he goes to jail when he gets caught!

Hope this helps you "put on a new pair of glasses"... your son is responsible for his character, his principles, his choices and his choices determined his destiny.... your ability to change or help him with those internal heart and mind decisions ended when he was a teenager!

Good luck... and if you have cash collateral and want me to write the bond send me a pm

catlovermi

Wow, Hopeworks, thank you for sharing that! What a powerful message of ESH.

CLMI

m1k3

Hi upset, this is a bad situation. I know when dealing with my wife I was never in a place this bad but I still suffered from denial. I would cover for her, make excuses for her and do anything rather than accept reality as it was.

Your son is a felon, driving under the influence, in possession of a firearm, and rammed a police car with his friends car. I don't know you or your son but to me he sounds like a very dangerous person.

I don't believe in right and wrong but I do believe in choices and consequences. Your son has made some not very smart choices and now has to face the consequences of his actions. You have some choices to make as well. What ever you choose will have consequences, please take your time to think about what consequences you are willing to accept.

Your friend,

lillamy

Upset,

I don't know what I would do in your situation either. But what I'm thinking is that you said in a post that you were grateful that, despite all the stuff he's been through, he's never killed anyone, he has (had then) never gotten a DUI...

Right now, in prison, he's safe from doing those things. He won't drive drunk/high and kill an innocent person. Do you think maybe staying in prison rather than being bailed out could be good for him because it would protect him from hurting himself or other people?

Upsetnneedhelp

Just found out that he will be re-sentenced on the robbery that he was on parole for. Then, he will be charged with the new offenses and the charges will run consecutively not concurrently. Which means he will be put away for a long time. He never would of done these things if he remained sober. He was sober for only 3 days when he returned home.

lillamy

I just want to hug you. And that is so true.
I may be reading between the lines in your posts but what I see is -- you see the little boy you raised, fed, taught to ride a bike. And you would like the rest of the world to see that, too. Except the rest of the world mostly sees a hardened criminal. Someone to protect the world from, not someone who is deserving of love and care.

My favorite cousin was a drug addict. A horrid loser evil person in other people's eyes. In my eyes, he was the guy who brought me a doll from his trip to Spain and who whispered and asked me if I liked his new girlfriend.

The drugs that took your son away from you took my cousin away from our family. He died at the hands of a drug cartel when he was trying to get out. I haven't told that story here before.

As horribly as it must hurt to see your son in prison, and know he will be there for many years, he may actually be safer there. I am a big believer in prayer and I will pray that he in light of a long prison sentence sees the light and grabs onto the life preservers available to him. And I pray that you will be supported on all sides at this really painful, difficult time.

Addiction sucks. It's straight from hell. That's not Al-Anon or SR, that's just my heartfelt belief.

ShootingStar1

There is a saying that someone here on SoberRecovery used to post, can't remember who:

Old Cherokee Proverb:

When you ride a horse
And horse dies,
Dismount.


ShootingStar1