JohnnyAlias

Hi All. Thanks in advance for reading this... it's much appreciated.

I just had my second breakup with my ex girlfriend of 4 years. The first breakup was due to her being abusive when she's drunk and the second... was due to her being abusive when she's drunk. She screams, yells, occasionally breaks things, won't listen to reason when on one of her manic tirades. Sometimes I would engage and we'd fight... sometimes I'd leave the house... sometimes this happened in front of friends. It was very hard on me.

Then the next morning she'd either be apologetic or would have blacked out the whole thing. I begged her to stop screaming at me, to see a therapist, to take Xanax when she was feeling anxious instead of cracking a bottle.

This would occur approximately every 2 weeks. I couldn't seem to get one month of peace.

Please understand this didn't happen all the time. If it was just her and me out for some dinner or whatever and we had some drinks she was a sweetheart and we would laugh and laugh. It was generally anytime there was a big event in social circles or going out with friends.

Still, I noticed her having more and more drinks before going out, driving drunk when coming from somewhere, her Dad would bring a box of booze for them every thursday as she was his drinking buddy. So many good times were ruined by the time she hit that 4th drink when out of nowhere Mr Hyde would show up and I'd be getting ripped apart for an imagines sleight or something that we supposedly cleared up months ago.

On top of all this her life is a mess. She doesn't have a job. She's getting some money from her ex husband but she's blowing through it very quickly. She's 43 and was extremely beautiful, but her looks are fading fast from age and substance abuse which causes her yet more depression... and soon I'm sure more drinking.

I wanted to have a baby with her and had bought a house for us to live in. We tried and I just couldn't take it. I'm not a punching bag. Part of me thinks I was too controlling, but god I was just trying to help someone who is basically and adult child do basic things like pay parking tickets, get your oil changed, whatever.

I went to my therapist the other day and she confirmed that she is an Alcoholic based on my descriptions. Though she's moved in with a new BF and is lording it all over facebook I know she is going to take this behavior with her. As soon as the honeymoon phase is over Mr Hyde is going to appear for him too. And her drinking is going to get progressively worse unless she gets help.

Before everyone starts with the advice I'm already going to AlAnon meetings, seeing my therapist, reading codependent no more, working out, taking trips, and doing everything I can to dive into my life.

I just need to hear from you all, men especially, that she isn't going to change unless she chooses to. That it's going to get worse and not better. I need to know that I couldn't have brought a child into this dysfunction. Examples are appreciated. Please tell me I made a good decision. This is so hard to bear.

I wake up at 4am everyday... and cry. I really miss her so much. I do.

Everyone also thinks there's a very good possibility to near certainty that once she starts fighting with this guy that she will run back to me as the shoulder to cry on. Just FYI I've blocked her on FB and my phone, but I know she will reach out through a friend. Just need the strength to say NO when she does and you validating my thoughts will help immensely.

Thank you.

NeedSomeHappy

As the saying goes - nothing changes if nothing changes.

In my mind, you made the right decision, and seem to be doing the right things for yourself. It is normal to grieve a loss - a loss of a relationship, a future you had planned to some extent, the possibility of a family. Allow yourself to grieve, and take care of yourself in this process.

I would remember this as well - you mentioned wanting to have a child with this woman. Can you imagine what it would have been like for a child to have this woman as a role model? For the child to depend on this woman, to be cared for by this woman...is that life what you would want for your child? No need to answer - just food for thought.

(hug) Be strong, but be gentle with yourself.

isitme

I second NeedSomeHappy it seems like you're doing the very best things, given the situation at hand. It reminds me of one of my Al-anon buddies. He moved across country for his wife and had a baby. Now a single dad because she just couldn't handle the reality of being a Mom. I think you made the right choice JohnnyA, this is one reality your child won't get the opportunity to have.

SparkleKitty

I was this child! From my AMom I learned:

• I can fix someone's else problem if I can just say or do the right thing. No one will ever tell what the right thing is; I will just have to try everything until I get it perfect.
• What I feel and think and want and need is not important. The person who is angriest is the most important person in the room. No, wait, they are the ONLY important person in the room
• I am not allowed to talk about things that bother me, especially if I think (and I do) that talking about them will make someone else angry or unhappy
• No one will ever love me for exactly who I am. So I have to try to be whatever they want.
• If someone acts like they care about me, they either don't know the REAL me, or they are pretending.

That's just the Short List.

I don't know if that's what you want for your children, but that's what living in a family dealing with addiction does to someone. It's a disease of silence and denial and it can make everyone who comes into contact with it completely crazy. In relationships, we have a choice to leave or stay. As kids, we depend on other adults to make the right decisions for us. My father did not. Even though he has been dead for 3 years, and I haven't lived at home in over 20, I am still working on forgiving my folks -- both the one who drank, and the one who should have known better.

Take what you want and leave the rest, but that's my story. FWIW, I think you did the right thing.

Florence

Wherever she goes, there she is.

fourmaggie

be kind to yourself and time to grieve and HEAL....

been there and done that...now its coming up to 4 years...and like it like this...

Florence

Heh. Here's a story for you.

I have a string of alcoholics and ne'er-do-wells in my romantic history, which hilariously never occurred to me until I started seeking my own recovery. Occasionally a couple of them will pop up on Facebook and try to "friend" me or chat me up. I used to be able to ignore them without much fanfare, but recently Facebook has added the feature that lets you know if someone read your message... and lets you get crazy when they don't respond.

Yesterday I got a message from one of these guys, fresh out of jail after a DUI, assaulting a cop, some other crazy stuff -- I haven't had contact with him in ten years, easy -- saying, "Hey, can we be friends now?" I read it and didn't answer. About thirty minutes later I got another message: "What reason or bank of reasons do you have for loathing me so much???"

A few things went through my head.
1)[list of reasons]
2) Why is this guy contacting me again? We've been through this scenario multiple times in the last decade? [red flag]
3) This is a hook. This is exactly the kind of hook that got me baited into countless conversations and arguments I didn't want to have with people I don't care about over and over and over again. Also? I read "The Gift of Fear" recently and this is textbook bait material. [red flag]
4) Damn you, Facebook.

So I replied something to the effect of, "I don't loathe you, I'm just not interested. Thanks! Florence" And then I blocked *this* account along with the rest of his accounts.

Crazy be crazy. The only thing we can control is how we address it and how much of it creeps into our lives.

Ruby2

I know that you were seeking responses from men but speaking as someone who is an alcoholic married to an alcoholic I have some perspective, especially with regard to having kids at an older age and female alcoholics.

I was almost 40 when I met my AH in treatment and got married within 4 months. Bad idea. Got pregnant and had my first child when I was almost 41. Someone was looking over me because I did not drink while pregnant with either of my kids. But what if your girlfriend could not abstain? And does she actually want kids at 43? Might be Peter Pan syndrome to not have kids. Or they might interfere with her drinking. If her father is buying her alcohol and is her drinking buddy she might not want to grow up.

Further, my sobriety was a long fought battle. It took my (now using again) husband's threats of taking the kids to get me into treatment. I would not have gotten there myself otherwise and then the kids would still be suffering.

I would NOT have quit until I was ready. No amount of please and i will help you would have worked. And I have been known to turn into a raging lunatic while drunk. It isn't pretty. It isn't something I am proud of. It is something that I am ever mindful of when I think that one little drink won't hurt. Male or female, an alcoholic/addict will not quit until they are ready. Logic and emotional appeals do not work. Ghandi, the pope, mother Theresa, any and every president could put up an appeal and it will not work.

Take care of yourself. Children may come in time. But having an active alcoholic as a parent isn't something I would wish on any child. Especially an abusive drunk. I still have a vivid memory in my head of my beautiful then 2 year old son crying, sobbing, following after and clutching at my husband while he was in a drug and alcohol induced rage, smashing around the house and my husband screaming at him at the top of his lungs that "you aren't my effing son, get the eff away from me.". To see a tiny toddler so confused and upset. It was so brutally painful and I felt so helpless because I was afraid. I packed up my son the next morning and left. I was then pregnant with my second child. We eventually reconciled for rounds three, four and five of this roller coaster ride. Now working on round six which is what brought me here to SR.

Take what you will from this. It does get better.

Hammer

Did I read THIS part correctly?

You asked for other perspectives from men?

Let me check my qualifications. hmmmm. [Looks at zipper.] Yes. I do seem to be qualified.

Here is what I am thinking . . . You, me, and Roy Clark probably need to have a little sing-a-long.

I will go get my banjo, while Roy warms up . . .

Roy Clark "Thank God And Greyhound" - YouTube

Thanks for the help there, Roy!

==========

Now a story.

Two guys, out camping in the woods. They hear a bear crashing through the woods. They jump up and start to run, but one stops to put on his tennis shoes. The other yells at him -- "Why are you putting on your running shoes? You cannot out run a bear!"

The first one replies -- "I do not have to out run the bear. I only have to out run you!"

=============

She is HIS problem now.

You have done 4 years of this crap.

You are now free.

GO. Go Dream Other Dreams, and Better.