Appropriate response to functional alcoholic in denial?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Appropriate response to functional alcoholic in denial?
My first post to the site...I am glad to have found Sober Recovery.
I have been composing myself for the past four days since alcoholic husband (AH) passed out behind the wheel...on a busy freeway...during rush hour...on his way from work (where he has been doing his drinking) to pick up our younger teenager from school. Miraculously nobody was hurt, no vehicles were damaged, and the nice cop brought him home instead of taking him to jail. AH has gone back to his doctor for outpatient detox and is looking for an appropriate counselor.
AH was doing outpatient detox last winter after literally falling down drunk at home. Older teenager didn't know what to think, and younger teenager was busy in another room. This time I told OT what had happened. YT still doesn't know, and was in another room reading when the cop brought Dad home, handcuffed in the back seat of a squad car. At that time I hugged AH and told him guardian angels were looking out for him. Since then I have been digesting the reality of his alcoholism and consulted with resources, he has sobered up, sought help and been responsible at work and around the house. We have not talked about the elephant in the room.
Today AH sent me an email likening his addiction to my facebook time, complaining that I poured out some of the booze in the house (I didn't touch the good wines and I put the things I like elsewhere) without talking about it with him, and putting the onus of preserving our marriage on me being communicative with him. This from a man who talks to everyone else in his life except me. I poured out the booze instead of throwing the bottles at something. I have barely said anything to him about his drunk driving except to express the fears going through my mind, though I have had some very strong feelings. I have been trying to stay rational about this. I have needed these four days (which have included OT wrecking my car in a multi-car collision in the rain) to try to stay calm and get a sense of perspective.
My sensible siblings agree with me that AH, in his email sentiments, is being unrealistic, manipulative and delusional. Our communication is poor and I am reluctant to challenge him on most things, but this time I believe he needs to be challenged.
Dear readers, can you give me some perspective? I will return to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but I didn't like them last winter -- I prefer to identify problems, break them down into pieces and then take action to solve them, and all the talking at the Al-Anon meetings wasn't adding value to my quest.
Thank you in advance.
I have been composing myself for the past four days since alcoholic husband (AH) passed out behind the wheel...on a busy freeway...during rush hour...on his way from work (where he has been doing his drinking) to pick up our younger teenager from school. Miraculously nobody was hurt, no vehicles were damaged, and the nice cop brought him home instead of taking him to jail. AH has gone back to his doctor for outpatient detox and is looking for an appropriate counselor.
AH was doing outpatient detox last winter after literally falling down drunk at home. Older teenager didn't know what to think, and younger teenager was busy in another room. This time I told OT what had happened. YT still doesn't know, and was in another room reading when the cop brought Dad home, handcuffed in the back seat of a squad car. At that time I hugged AH and told him guardian angels were looking out for him. Since then I have been digesting the reality of his alcoholism and consulted with resources, he has sobered up, sought help and been responsible at work and around the house. We have not talked about the elephant in the room.
Today AH sent me an email likening his addiction to my facebook time, complaining that I poured out some of the booze in the house (I didn't touch the good wines and I put the things I like elsewhere) without talking about it with him, and putting the onus of preserving our marriage on me being communicative with him. This from a man who talks to everyone else in his life except me. I poured out the booze instead of throwing the bottles at something. I have barely said anything to him about his drunk driving except to express the fears going through my mind, though I have had some very strong feelings. I have been trying to stay rational about this. I have needed these four days (which have included OT wrecking my car in a multi-car collision in the rain) to try to stay calm and get a sense of perspective.
My sensible siblings agree with me that AH, in his email sentiments, is being unrealistic, manipulative and delusional. Our communication is poor and I am reluctant to challenge him on most things, but this time I believe he needs to be challenged.
Dear readers, can you give me some perspective? I will return to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but I didn't like them last winter -- I prefer to identify problems, break them down into pieces and then take action to solve them, and all the talking at the Al-Anon meetings wasn't adding value to my quest.
Thank you in advance.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by CatHair 
My sensible siblings agree with me that AH, in his email sentiments, is being unrealistic, manipulative and delusional. Our communication is poor and I am reluctant to challenge him on most things, but this time I believe he needs to be challenged.
Welcome to SR. I am sorry to hear about what brings you here.
I was struck by two things in your post - first, the title of of your thread using the phrase "functional alcoholic". From what you describe of your AH's behavior, it is hardly functional, or safe, and is rapidly progressing - which seems to be typical of unchecked alcoholism. Please understand, I am not being critical here; just keeping it real. I encourage you to read everything you can find on addiction and alcoholism, and find individual counseling for yourself, especially if you didn't find what you needed at Alanon. (Also, if you can and it's feasible for you, maybe try another meeting on a different day and time. They really have different "flavors", and you might still find that it is a valuable resource after all.)
Also, the quote above is very, very familiar to me -- including the part where I no longer trusted my own instincts, feelings, and experiences because I had slowly become accustomed to squeezing myself around the elephant in the room. I am glad you are checking in with your family, because this situation does demand that you turn the focus off your husband and on to the safety and well-being of yourself, and your kids.
My best to you, please stick around and keep posting. In my experience, it really helps clear the fog!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
think about this...he was DRUNK and driving to pick up your CHILD - what if he'd wrecked the car with your son in it? what if the outcome was more awful than you care to imagine? this isn't about HIM....it's about you and your children. he endangered the life of your child by getting drunk BEFORE having to go pick up his precious irreplaceable child.
don't try to paint this pretty....it's ugly and it's real and it will get worse.
don't try to paint this pretty....it's ugly and it's real and it will get worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by CatHair
My first post to the site...I am glad to have found Sober Recovery.
the nice cop brought him home instead of taking him to jail.
A few days in Jail may have humbled hubby to the point where he would be getting more serious with recovery.
Dear readers, can you give me some perspective? I will return to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but I didn't like them last winter -- I prefer to identify problems, break them down into pieces and then take action to solve them, and all the talking at the Al-Anon meetings wasn't adding value to my quest.
Thank you in advance.
Thank you in advance.
It will be YOU, my dear. And me, and whoever else has the wisdom to walk in the door.
If you need to ID Your Problem, I generally recommend a mirror check. You will find You there, and THAT is the Problem You can work on.
(see how those pronouns work?)
So if breaking You down and taking action is your path, may you find it.
Again, Welcome.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Focusing on sub-problems and "fixing" them with an alcoholic is plugging holes in a sinking boat with your fingers. You can keep plugging, but he's going to keep drilling holes.
the problem, the singular problem is he's an alcoholic, and he's now reaching a point where he no longer is a danger to just himself - he presents a danger to those on the road and even his own child. His alcohol use is the problem.
He has half a dozen things to blame, except his own choice to drink. It's not his fault, you don't communicate with him, so he drinks. If you just communicated, he wouldn't be drunk at work, after work, and while picking up our child. He'd drive sober, if you'd just communicate. See how silly that is? Comparing your use of facebook to crashing because he was so drunk he passed out? Did you crash while putting up a status update? It's absurd, you know this. He's quacking. He will do and say whatever it takes to continue drinking.
the problem, the singular problem is he's an alcoholic, and he's now reaching a point where he no longer is a danger to just himself - he presents a danger to those on the road and even his own child. His alcohol use is the problem.
He has half a dozen things to blame, except his own choice to drink. It's not his fault, you don't communicate with him, so he drinks. If you just communicated, he wouldn't be drunk at work, after work, and while picking up our child. He'd drive sober, if you'd just communicate. See how silly that is? Comparing your use of facebook to crashing because he was so drunk he passed out? Did you crash while putting up a status update? It's absurd, you know this. He's quacking. He will do and say whatever it takes to continue drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Dear readers, can you give me some perspective? I will return to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow but I didn't like them last winter -- I prefer to identify problems, break them down into pieces and then take action to solve them, and all the talking at the Al-Anon meetings wasn't adding value to my quest.
I am a recovering alcoholic. In July, I had 5 years sober. No one could do that for me. I loved my family. I got up and went to work every day...well, okay, most days. I was considered a functioning alcoholic. But, alcoholism is progressive and it won't get better, it will only get worse unless he decides to get help.
Go to alanon for YOU. You will learn how to take care of yourself and your children regardless of what he chooses to do about drinking.
Glad you found us. Read around the forum and post often. It will help give you that perspective you were asking for.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I went to my first meeting Monday morning. I am like you, I wanted some facts; I wanted to hear some solutions; I wanted to lay down a path of activity I could work on to help make my husband, who is a good man by the way, a healed, normal, productive member of our family again. As I opened my mouth and shared all of my husbands shortcomings with the group, I was interrupted and asked, "yeah, but how are YOU doing?" I wasn't ready for that; I flat out bawled my eyes out in front I a bunch of strangers. I didn't like it but I felt relief. It wore me out but it relaxed me to have shared how I was. This was yesterday morning. I've had nothing but time since then to think about it and I've realized I need to do some changing because it is painfully obvious what I've been doing hasn't done a darn thing to help the situation one iota.
I'm going to go again. I hope that you'll try to look at it the way I have and give it another whirl. From what I hear, we need to give it at least 6 or 7 tries; I'm sure someone here can correct me if need be. Hope that helps you!
I'm going to go again. I hope that you'll try to look at it the way I have and give it another whirl. From what I hear, we need to give it at least 6 or 7 tries; I'm sure someone here can correct me if need be. Hope that helps you!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
My XABF is also in total denial he's an alcoholic. He also did similar things as your AH is doing, which I would consider to be: deflecting, blame shifting, denying, etc. All of these things are defense mechanisms designed to make YOU (and me) believe YOU are the one with the problem, so you can just 'back off.' Without me even bringing up his drinking, my ex would immediately get defensive, call me "judgmental," "too serious," "naive," etc. In fact, almost every instance this occurred was when *he* brought it up. Sure, I was judging him in a sense, because he'd told me he wouldn't get wasted much anymore (clearly not true!). I could see what was really happening, and deep down, I know he knew, too. Thus, all the defensiveness, etc.
I totally understand how maddening it feels dealing with these unfair accusations/equations. You are seeing reality, and he isn't...That alone can make you feel crazy. But if anything, take this as affirmation that he does have a problem...And unfortunately, isn't ready/able to come to terms with it.
I totally understand how maddening it feels dealing with these unfair accusations/equations. You are seeing reality, and he isn't...That alone can make you feel crazy. But if anything, take this as affirmation that he does have a problem...And unfortunately, isn't ready/able to come to terms with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Cathair, welcome. Welcome to SR! I am sorry for what brought you, but, I am glad that you found us. You will find understanding,here from those who have walked (or are still walking) in your shoes.
the thing that I noticed, between the lines of your post, was a lot of fear......(am I close?).
From my own experience, fear goes a long way toward keeping the elephant in the room "safe"...if you know what I mean.
I will gently say to you that since both of your children are teenagers (especially), they have known for a long time that something is wrong. You know something is wrong--and your husband knows that something is wrong (though he is trying desperately to keep it beneath the radar). It is kind of like an unspoken bond of silence to protect the elephant because each one is afraid that breaking that silence might send their world crashing down. A false safety, of sorts.
I say this so boldly, because this is the common experience with families trying to grapple with this disease. It pulls everyone who is close to the alcoholic in, eventually.
I see that you are already acquainted with alanon to some degree....and I assume that you must have done some reading? on the subject. Lots of people visit the forum for some time before posting. If you haven't, already---read the "stickies" listed at the top of this main page. It contains a wealth of information and gives good suggestions for reading materials for you. I believe education to be an important part of Your recovery--though, not the whole thing, of course.
Dear, you are going to need loads of support and a "soft place to fall" I would suggest that you try to find an alanon group that you like, and, while you are looking---get a counselor or therapist for yourself that has had training in addictions. Sometimes, we need individual attention for personal issues that are not immediately addressed in other venues.
Please keep coming here and posting as often as you would like. You will find understanding beyond words by those who have walked in your shoes. You will not find judgement (although, you might get some very straight talk, at times..LOL).
Again, welcome, cathair.
I have got to say that I love your "name"---it is a big part of my life (if you know what I mean)
sincerely,
dandylion
the thing that I noticed, between the lines of your post, was a lot of fear......(am I close?).
From my own experience, fear goes a long way toward keeping the elephant in the room "safe"...if you know what I mean.
I will gently say to you that since both of your children are teenagers (especially), they have known for a long time that something is wrong. You know something is wrong--and your husband knows that something is wrong (though he is trying desperately to keep it beneath the radar). It is kind of like an unspoken bond of silence to protect the elephant because each one is afraid that breaking that silence might send their world crashing down. A false safety, of sorts.
I say this so boldly, because this is the common experience with families trying to grapple with this disease. It pulls everyone who is close to the alcoholic in, eventually.
I see that you are already acquainted with alanon to some degree....and I assume that you must have done some reading? on the subject. Lots of people visit the forum for some time before posting. If you haven't, already---read the "stickies" listed at the top of this main page. It contains a wealth of information and gives good suggestions for reading materials for you. I believe education to be an important part of Your recovery--though, not the whole thing, of course.
Dear, you are going to need loads of support and a "soft place to fall" I would suggest that you try to find an alanon group that you like, and, while you are looking---get a counselor or therapist for yourself that has had training in addictions. Sometimes, we need individual attention for personal issues that are not immediately addressed in other venues.
Please keep coming here and posting as often as you would like. You will find understanding beyond words by those who have walked in your shoes. You will not find judgement (although, you might get some very straight talk, at times..LOL).
Again, welcome, cathair.
I have got to say that I love your "name"---it is a big part of my life (if you know what I mean)
sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi CatHair and welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found a great source of support.
One of the first things I learned here and at AlAnon is the 3 C's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
You husband will only get better when he is ready to get better and not one second earlier.
What you can learn here and at AlAnon is how to deal with how his drinking effects you and your family. Alcoholism has a huge impact on everyone in the family. I know in my case I ended up every bit as sick as my wife.
One thing you can do is check to see if there are any beginners meetings in your area. They are a great place to learn how AlAnon works and how it can help you deal with all the repercussions of his drinking.
Please keep posting as there is a ton of wisdom and strength to be found in this forum.
Your friend,
One of the first things I learned here and at AlAnon is the 3 C's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
You husband will only get better when he is ready to get better and not one second earlier.
What you can learn here and at AlAnon is how to deal with how his drinking effects you and your family. Alcoholism has a huge impact on everyone in the family. I know in my case I ended up every bit as sick as my wife.
One thing you can do is check to see if there are any beginners meetings in your area. They are a great place to learn how AlAnon works and how it can help you deal with all the repercussions of his drinking.
Please keep posting as there is a ton of wisdom and strength to be found in this forum.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi & Welcome!
I, too, as other posters, reacted to this:
I think probably the hardest thing for me to accept, not just regarding AXH's addiction but so many other things in life, is that there are areas of life where I absolutely lack power. Quite a few of them, actually.
You sound a lot like me. I stayed married to an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive as his disease progressed, partly because I was strong and could handle it and partly because I loved him enough that he would eventually see the light and quit drinking because our family was more important than his addiction.
Neither was true, for me. And I spent a lot of time trying so hard to fix things, to solve problems, to change logistics, routines, hairstyles, myself, in order to get him to stop drinking.
My changes and fixes had about as much impact on his drinking as it did on the weather.
I thought it was my fault. That if I just tried harder, found the RIGHT fix, he would quit drinking and our family would magically transform to one of those Saturday Evening Post families.
What Al-Anon did for me was make it OK to not be able to fix him. Al-Anon surrounded me with other people who had run themselves ragged, emotionally and physically, trying to fix an addict they loved. It made me humble to see the 80-year-old woman who said "I started hoping he would drink himself to death 50 years ago and he still hasn't" and the 25-year-old guy whose boyfriend passed out drunk every night and peed in their bed. For me, the identity I had created of "The One Who Sticks By Her Husband And Will Be Able To Fix Everything" was very prideful. It was painful as hell for me to admit to myself that I wasn't strong enough. That I couldn't fix this. That the only person who could was AXH. And my AXH didn't want to.
This place, and Al-Anon, gave me a context. It gave me sanity back when I was questioning mine (because that's one thing As tend to do -- twist your words until you get so wrapped around the axle that you doubt your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings). It didn't make AXH stop drinking. He's still drinking himself to death. But it did give me the courage to assess my options.
I chose to leave. I have good friends who have chosen to stay with their As, whether they're sober or still drinking.
So that's my story. Or part of it. I just wanted to share that with you. That it's OK to not be able to "fix" an addict. None of us are really that powerful. I wish we were.
I, too, as other posters, reacted to this:
I prefer to identify problems, break them down into pieces and then take action to solve them, and all the talking at the Al-Anon meetings wasn't adding value to my quest.
You sound a lot like me. I stayed married to an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive as his disease progressed, partly because I was strong and could handle it and partly because I loved him enough that he would eventually see the light and quit drinking because our family was more important than his addiction.
Neither was true, for me. And I spent a lot of time trying so hard to fix things, to solve problems, to change logistics, routines, hairstyles, myself, in order to get him to stop drinking.
My changes and fixes had about as much impact on his drinking as it did on the weather.
I thought it was my fault. That if I just tried harder, found the RIGHT fix, he would quit drinking and our family would magically transform to one of those Saturday Evening Post families.
What Al-Anon did for me was make it OK to not be able to fix him. Al-Anon surrounded me with other people who had run themselves ragged, emotionally and physically, trying to fix an addict they loved. It made me humble to see the 80-year-old woman who said "I started hoping he would drink himself to death 50 years ago and he still hasn't" and the 25-year-old guy whose boyfriend passed out drunk every night and peed in their bed. For me, the identity I had created of "The One Who Sticks By Her Husband And Will Be Able To Fix Everything" was very prideful. It was painful as hell for me to admit to myself that I wasn't strong enough. That I couldn't fix this. That the only person who could was AXH. And my AXH didn't want to.
This place, and Al-Anon, gave me a context. It gave me sanity back when I was questioning mine (because that's one thing As tend to do -- twist your words until you get so wrapped around the axle that you doubt your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings). It didn't make AXH stop drinking. He's still drinking himself to death. But it did give me the courage to assess my options.
I chose to leave. I have good friends who have chosen to stay with their As, whether they're sober or still drinking.
So that's my story. Or part of it. I just wanted to share that with you. That it's OK to not be able to "fix" an addict. None of us are really that powerful. I wish we were.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Thank you all so much, already. I am grateful to you all.
I know I cannot fix AH -- that much, I've learned in life. In middle age I have happily given up control over many things which in the past I thought were essential to my sense of self. This is, of course, liberating both by removing perceived obligations and by freeing my energies for what is truly important at any given time.
AH's recovery -- to whatever degrees of success it comes and goes -- is in his hands. He is already seeking help; when sober, he is intelligent, focused, kind, hardworking, responsible, practical, compassionate and helpful. Those good qualities are already helping him. He is, however, clearly living with denial, delusion and deflection. One of my goals is to avoid getting sucked into these D's of his, and of my own.
I have told him that I will support his recovery, and also that my first priority will always be protecting our boys and our family through arming myself with the help and tools I need to do so. I have not told him that if he ever gets pulled over for DWI again, I ain't going his bail.
Al-Anon meets an hour from now, right down the road.
I know I cannot fix AH -- that much, I've learned in life. In middle age I have happily given up control over many things which in the past I thought were essential to my sense of self. This is, of course, liberating both by removing perceived obligations and by freeing my energies for what is truly important at any given time.
AH's recovery -- to whatever degrees of success it comes and goes -- is in his hands. He is already seeking help; when sober, he is intelligent, focused, kind, hardworking, responsible, practical, compassionate and helpful. Those good qualities are already helping him. He is, however, clearly living with denial, delusion and deflection. One of my goals is to avoid getting sucked into these D's of his, and of my own.
I have told him that I will support his recovery, and also that my first priority will always be protecting our boys and our family through arming myself with the help and tools I need to do so. I have not told him that if he ever gets pulled over for DWI again, I ain't going his bail.
Al-Anon meets an hour from now, right down the road.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by CatHair
Thank you all so much, already. I am grateful to you all.
I know I cannot fix AH -- that much, I've learned in life. In middle age I have happily given up control over many things which in the past I thought were essential to my sense of self. This is, of course, liberating both by removing perceived obligations and by freeing my energies for what is truly important at any given time.
AH's recovery -- to whatever degrees of success it comes and goes -- is in his hands. He is already seeking help; when sober, he is intelligent, focused, kind, hardworking, responsible, practical, compassionate and helpful. Those good qualities are already helping him. He is, however, clearly living with denial, delusion and deflection. One of my goals is to avoid getting sucked into these D's of his, and of my own.
I have told him that I will support his recovery, and also that my first priority will always be protecting our boys and our family through arming myself with the help and tools I need to do so. I have not told him that if he ever gets pulled over for DWI again, I ain't going his bail.
Al-Anon meets an hour from now, right down the road.
I know I cannot fix AH -- that much, I've learned in life. In middle age I have happily given up control over many things which in the past I thought were essential to my sense of self. This is, of course, liberating both by removing perceived obligations and by freeing my energies for what is truly important at any given time.
AH's recovery -- to whatever degrees of success it comes and goes -- is in his hands. He is already seeking help; when sober, he is intelligent, focused, kind, hardworking, responsible, practical, compassionate and helpful. Those good qualities are already helping him. He is, however, clearly living with denial, delusion and deflection. One of my goals is to avoid getting sucked into these D's of his, and of my own.
I have told him that I will support his recovery, and also that my first priority will always be protecting our boys and our family through arming myself with the help and tools I need to do so. I have not told him that if he ever gets pulled over for DWI again, I ain't going his bail.
Al-Anon meets an hour from now, right down the road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Update: I have been to two good Al-Anon meetings in the past two weeks. I got a serious therapeutic massage yesterday -- I had swallowed all the anger I wanted to express in words but knew would not be constructive to utter at this time, and as a result both my body and my soul were in great pain. Two weeks of time, two Al-Anon meetings, and lots of calming herbs have helped, and the massage took the worst of the initial anger out. There will be more to come but I feel so much better now that I am able to function.
AH is seeing his LCDC weekly and attending AA meetings daily without fail. He is doing better, says he is committed to recovery and to figuring out his issues. While I do have faith in that, with so much of my own anger and responsibilities to deal with I feel like I don't even care about his progress. I make encouraging noises to him but am not wasting my time waiting for him to get where he needs and wants to be. Mostly I am trying to manage what I realize are my years of accumulated anger and frustration, trying to balance letting it go against giving a damn. This will take time. I have already started demanding from him some very basic courtesies I feel I have been denied for years -- part from his personality, but surely part from the alcoholism.
Time for another cup of relaxing herb tea...
AH is seeing his LCDC weekly and attending AA meetings daily without fail. He is doing better, says he is committed to recovery and to figuring out his issues. While I do have faith in that, with so much of my own anger and responsibilities to deal with I feel like I don't even care about his progress. I make encouraging noises to him but am not wasting my time waiting for him to get where he needs and wants to be. Mostly I am trying to manage what I realize are my years of accumulated anger and frustration, trying to balance letting it go against giving a damn. This will take time. I have already started demanding from him some very basic courtesies I feel I have been denied for years -- part from his personality, but surely part from the alcoholism.
Time for another cup of relaxing herb tea...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi CatHair,
I too am among the posters dealing with cat hair. We posted about cats last night. However, that is not why I am writing now. I understand you not really caring about your husbands progress. You take care of you for now. I am at that point. "You are sober, great?! Yada yada yada." Because in the end, I still have a lot of anger and frustration that I need to shed for all the past that I have stuffed inside.
I was at work yesterday and one of the women was listening to another who was explaining how she was trying to help someone who could not and would not listen so that the other could help. The first woman, who is rather salty and says it like it is, said "sugar, today my 'give a damn' button is broken. I wouldn't help." That perfectly summed up how I have been feeling. You will not co-operate with getting help, the 'give a damn' button is broken.
I too am among the posters dealing with cat hair. We posted about cats last night. However, that is not why I am writing now. I understand you not really caring about your husbands progress. You take care of you for now. I am at that point. "You are sober, great?! Yada yada yada." Because in the end, I still have a lot of anger and frustration that I need to shed for all the past that I have stuffed inside.
I was at work yesterday and one of the women was listening to another who was explaining how she was trying to help someone who could not and would not listen so that the other could help. The first woman, who is rather salty and says it like it is, said "sugar, today my 'give a damn' button is broken. I wouldn't help." That perfectly summed up how I have been feeling. You will not co-operate with getting help, the 'give a damn' button is broken.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It all sounded good and I thought he was taking it seriously until you said he started getting on you about pouring out the booze and your time on Facebook? He is manipulating you. I know because I have a manipulator in my house and have suffered through that for years. So while he may be all those great things while sober, he is also a manipulator while sober by doing this.
Last time I checked being on Facebook does not risk your life such as driving while under the influence. And he was going to pick up your child? Sounds like an angel was with you guys since he could have wrecked while driving your child. I recommend you do tell him you will not be his bail if he gets pulled over again.
At the very least, do not let him transport your children until you can COMPLETELY trust that he is not drinking. And I am sorry to say, he has a roaring problem. To leave any alcohol in the house at all is only asking for problems. If it's yours he will find it, believe me. So your pouring it out was good but they have ways to find more.
Find a program you can work on you. Alanon is great, I attend Celebrate Recovery which is quite similar but with a religious base. Whatever you do, find support. Do not isolate yourself and think you can deal with all this alone. You did not cause this for him, you cannot fix him.
I am not trying to be critical at all. I am glad you are reaching out for help, and there are lots of wonderful here for that.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Last time I checked being on Facebook does not risk your life such as driving while under the influence. And he was going to pick up your child? Sounds like an angel was with you guys since he could have wrecked while driving your child. I recommend you do tell him you will not be his bail if he gets pulled over again.
At the very least, do not let him transport your children until you can COMPLETELY trust that he is not drinking. And I am sorry to say, he has a roaring problem. To leave any alcohol in the house at all is only asking for problems. If it's yours he will find it, believe me. So your pouring it out was good but they have ways to find more.
Find a program you can work on you. Alanon is great, I attend Celebrate Recovery which is quite similar but with a religious base. Whatever you do, find support. Do not isolate yourself and think you can deal with all this alone. You did not cause this for him, you cannot fix him.
I am not trying to be critical at all. I am glad you are reaching out for help, and there are lots of wonderful here for that.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Thank you, hopeful4. The facebook email came a few days after AH's crisis event and before he had even gone to his first LCDC session or AA meeting. I was very much aware that he was trying to manipulate me, trying to throw me off balance by deflecting his own bad behavior onto me. He got nowhere with it, believe me, and my Al-Anon meetings are helping me stand firm and alert in my own head and heart.
Since then, knock wood, AH has attended AA mtgs every day and, so far, seems better. And the only thing I said to him after the cop brought him home was that he had several guardian angels looking out for him that afternoon. Literally, that is all I said to him. I did not trust myself to say anything else.
Since then, knock wood, AH has attended AA mtgs every day and, so far, seems better. And the only thing I said to him after the cop brought him home was that he had several guardian angels looking out for him that afternoon. Literally, that is all I said to him. I did not trust myself to say anything else.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know what you mean. I am sort of at the same place, I don't have much else to say. I am at a point in life where I realize actions mean alot more than words and that I have to just sit back and see what actions actually take place. I am glad he is working on him and even more glad to hear you say you are working on you!
If you ever need a friend message me, you are not alone!
If you ever need a friend message me, you are not alone!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I am impressed.
Gratitude is a Great Thing.
AND
Super Good. You know who and what those are for.
Super there, too. Remember NOT to peek.
THAT can get so tempting.
Mrs. Hammer has been skipping her Eating Disorder meetings the past month. Just really came to my mind and notice when she was doing some drama about the bathrooms and toilets needing cleaning for cover.
I am just about having to sit on my hands to keep from sending a tattle-tale note to her sponsor.
MUST. NOT. SEND. NOTE.
Originally Posted by CatHair
Thank you . . .
AND
my Al-Anon meetings
AH has attended AA mtgs every day
THAT can get so tempting.
Mrs. Hammer has been skipping her Eating Disorder meetings the past month. Just really came to my mind and notice when she was doing some drama about the bathrooms and toilets needing cleaning for cover.
I am just about having to sit on my hands to keep from sending a tattle-tale note to her sponsor.
MUST. NOT. SEND. NOTE.
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