Appropriate response to functional alcoholic in denial?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Brive-la-Gaillarde, Correze
Posts: 77
Hello CatHair. Glad you found this site as it is brilliant.
First of all I am the child of an alcoholic mother, the ex-wife of an alcoholic and now an alcoholic myself (3 years sober). I hope I can give you a little perspective from all angles.
First of all as a co-dependent wife - and in those I didn't drink because my mother made me afraid of it. My husband was much like yours and he was psychologically abusive. Transference was one of his methods of daily torture. I found it incredibly difficult not to buy into his warped and confused thinking. So I do know how you feel. My advice would be to remain as clear as you can about your own position. While he is flailing about trying to blame those around him for his own inadequacies try to stay focussed on the Truth.
He is sick and so is his thinking. Also be very careful of the part you play in his/and your own denial system. Honesty needs to be ruthless for you to remain healthy and for him in his recovery.
It doesn't sound to me as though he is dedicated to his recovery - although I don't know him so I may be wrong. However, it sounds as though he is doing as he is told just to keep everyone off his back. Tough love may be required. Have you thought of asking him to move out for a while. Just a suggestion?
Try not to squash down your feelings. Not "saying" anything to him isn't necessarily good for you and you might just be "letting him off the hook". Are you afraid of him? I was very much afraid of my ex.
I am now remarried and one of the things that got me sober was my ex-husband showing me how afraid he was for me, and how unhappy I was making him. I love him and couldn't bear what I was doing to him, and I will never do it to him again. So ultimately his honesty, and feeling his fear, was the main reason I was propelled into getting sober.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can work through it and that he stays sober. He will have to dig very very deep and I hope he manages it.
Don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any help to you at all. Feel free to ask me any questions (no matter how personal) - and as either an alcoholic or a codependent, and I will answer as honestly as I know how.
Good luck and keep in touch with the wonderful people here.
First of all I am the child of an alcoholic mother, the ex-wife of an alcoholic and now an alcoholic myself (3 years sober). I hope I can give you a little perspective from all angles.
First of all as a co-dependent wife - and in those I didn't drink because my mother made me afraid of it. My husband was much like yours and he was psychologically abusive. Transference was one of his methods of daily torture. I found it incredibly difficult not to buy into his warped and confused thinking. So I do know how you feel. My advice would be to remain as clear as you can about your own position. While he is flailing about trying to blame those around him for his own inadequacies try to stay focussed on the Truth.
He is sick and so is his thinking. Also be very careful of the part you play in his/and your own denial system. Honesty needs to be ruthless for you to remain healthy and for him in his recovery.
It doesn't sound to me as though he is dedicated to his recovery - although I don't know him so I may be wrong. However, it sounds as though he is doing as he is told just to keep everyone off his back. Tough love may be required. Have you thought of asking him to move out for a while. Just a suggestion?
Try not to squash down your feelings. Not "saying" anything to him isn't necessarily good for you and you might just be "letting him off the hook". Are you afraid of him? I was very much afraid of my ex.
I am now remarried and one of the things that got me sober was my ex-husband showing me how afraid he was for me, and how unhappy I was making him. I love him and couldn't bear what I was doing to him, and I will never do it to him again. So ultimately his honesty, and feeling his fear, was the main reason I was propelled into getting sober.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can work through it and that he stays sober. He will have to dig very very deep and I hope he manages it.
Don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any help to you at all. Feel free to ask me any questions (no matter how personal) - and as either an alcoholic or a codependent, and I will answer as honestly as I know how.
Good luck and keep in touch with the wonderful people here.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
:codiepolice Ok I just cannot resist that one, he had an encounter with the codie police
:codiepolice (shoot that smiley is not working anymore)
the nice cop brought him home instead of taking him to jail.
Secondly, Not So Nice Cop. Either did not want to do the work of booking the drunk, or was (even worse) thinking he was "helping."
Secondly, Not So Nice Cop. Either did not want to do the work of booking the drunk, or was (even worse) thinking he was "helping."
:codiepolice (shoot that smiley is not working anymore)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
It's been a little over a month now. RAH has been going to AA meetings every day -- EVERY day except for one when an 18-hour workday made it impossible. He bought lots of different herbal teas to drink and stocked the wine fridge with a case of...mineral water. He has quit smoking, after years of the stinking weed. His LCDC "released" him but is available should he need counseling.
I took a four-day getaway, planned pre-crisis, that was wonderfully restful and restorative. I have been attending Al-Anon weekly. Kids and housework and day job are the same.
RAH still hasn't said a damn word to me but so what else is new, and I'm continuing my stupid self-preservation practice of not expecting anything from him verbally. I have, however, resumed requesting some basic courtesies that he has denied me for so many years, and to stand up for myself instead of being such a doormat -- if he is making so many positive changes in his life then I want to sprinkle one or two relating to me into his process. Many good friends who have had alcoholics in their lives are my loving support system. One day at a time.
I took a four-day getaway, planned pre-crisis, that was wonderfully restful and restorative. I have been attending Al-Anon weekly. Kids and housework and day job are the same.
RAH still hasn't said a damn word to me but so what else is new, and I'm continuing my stupid self-preservation practice of not expecting anything from him verbally. I have, however, resumed requesting some basic courtesies that he has denied me for so many years, and to stand up for myself instead of being such a doormat -- if he is making so many positive changes in his life then I want to sprinkle one or two relating to me into his process. Many good friends who have had alcoholics in their lives are my loving support system. One day at a time.
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