I don't want to go home....
 

I know that most of you know this feeling, but I really don't want to go home today. I don't care whether he's drinking or not, I just don't want to look at his face. I have no respect for him at all. I can't keep the disgusted look off my face when I see him. I'm so angry that I can't keep it to myself. Which means that I'm going to shoot him a dirty look or roll my eyes and that will probably start the argument and then I'll just unload all the anger and resentment I've been feeling the past few days for naught. It's not like it will make a difference.

But, I have to go...they don't allow us to sleep in our office...bummer. Plus, the dogs need fed, the dishes need cleaned and the kids need supervised.

I've just got this sick feeling in my stomach...

Something's gotta give....

Oh Becki. :(

I remember that feeling way too well.
The kids would feel it, too. My oldest can still shudder when he talks about how it was as if the sheer quality of the air we breathed changed when we heard the garage door open and knew AXH was coming home.

The first time I considered leaving AXH, I had just found out I was pregnant. My best friend talked me out of it, basically saying "what do you have if you leave him? Why not give it a try?"

I tried for another 20 years.

It wears you out. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I don't have to tell you that. But being on the other side now, outside the marriage, and working on true recovery on all levels... I just feel for you. So much. Because I remember that sick feeling to my stomach when I knew I had to go home and be around him.

Hugs. You're a strong woman and you will figure this out. In your own time.

:( I know the feeling well.. :Val004:

Is there a place you can go with the kids instead of being home with your AH? Even just for a few hours or a couple of days? Is there an Al-Anon meeting with childcare? Anything to help you out at all?

Hi Becki,

I think many here have had that same feeling at the end of a work day. I hope that your evening will be a peaceful one and that you can enjoy your time with your children and your furbabies.

What do you think you want to do? I know that sounds like a trite question, but it seems clear that your husband is not going to change any time soon.

Let's say, for example, he decided this very evening to start going to some sort out-patient meetings for recovery? What if he kept it up for the rest of his life? Would you ever be able to forgive him, to trust him, to enjoy his company again? I think that answers to those questions will give you a lot to think about.

Please take good care. Remember, not everything has to be solved today!

Seren,

My sister asked me yesterday if she should call him and talk to him. I said no for two reasons. Number one, it would be a waste of breath...There's nothing anyone can say. (She just left her AH two weeks ago and I'm JEALOUS!) Number two, I will NEVER get those feelings back of being in love with him. I saw too much and lost all respect for him. He is weak and I don't want to be with a weak man. I am the type of person that expects the worse...so I've lived in this relationship in such a way that I won't miss a beat if he ever left or if I left him. Our finances are separate, except for the home, I've always been the one that fixed everything in the house (thank you, Mr. Google), and know who to call if I can't fix, and have a huge support system. Pity and pride has kept me there mixed with the dread of dealing with the anger that's sure to come once he knows I'm serious about leaving.

pride and pity....not a good combo! work on releasing those thoughts.

in my last marriage, we were both in recovery when we met, stayed that way for years, got married (he asked, I didn't know how to say NO) and then I started drinking again. HE wasn't awful, but I was living a life I didn't WANT. I remember getting ready to make the turn down the cul de sac, chanting please don't be there, please don't be there, and then.....seeing his truck in the drive. and I had about half a block to suck it up, put on my happy loving wife face and go act like there was nowhere else i'd rather be.

I plotted and planned my egress. 7 years. got our finances in order, got my daughter thru high school and safely settled into college. I ran a spreadsheet, my income, his income, the house expenses, what my expenses would be out on my own and one day....the numbers said I was good to launch. and away I went.

every day I felt like I was dying a little inside. it wasn't his fault...I COULD have left at any time. but that would have put us BOTH at a deficit.

make your plan. shore up your defenses. gird your loins, as they say.

So what can you do just for today? You're going home. You already know you are capable of eye rolling etc which will set him off. So just for today....be in control of you. DON'T eye roll, DON'T shoot him a dirty look. You can think all that stuff in your head, but detach and don't follow through with the behavior. You can't change him, but you most certainly can change your reactions.

Becki, I hope you don't mind if I ask: Are you the sole bread winner in this household?

Sounds like you've been through this a while, and the anger, resentment is reaching a critical mass. What lead up to this point? Where was the change?

Hi RI,
No, I'm not the sole breadwinner...he actually makes a lot of money. He and I don't share finances, though. We split the bills and he pays half and I pay half. I do make a nice living and have my own recruiting business on the side. I went back to work for a corporation full-time because I can't stand being home all the time.

Honestly, I go through cycles. I have a busy busy life and at times I can focus on all of that and just ignore him, but when things slow down and I look around, it sucks. Also, I've reconnected with my best friend of 35 years (gulp!)...she just lost her husband at 48 of a heart attack a few months ago. She stresses to me all the time that life is too short and she's VERY angry at my ABF because her husband was sick for a few years before he died...he would have given ANYTHING to do normal things with his kids and with her. Mine is just wasting his life being drunk and not partaking of life at all.

Lots of things have happened the past few weeks to slap me in the face and tell me that I need to change my life. I could die tomorrow and I want to be content in life when I do. I'm not content now.

Sorry for the rant...I'm chatty in the morning.

Becki67, I have found that when I have realized that I need/want to change my l ife in some major way and I feel "stuck" or can't seem to face it----I have found that the way to break the logjam is to admit to my self what my fears are.

This is probably the hardest part--admitting the fears to oneself!! But, one the fear is identified---the path becomes more clear. Facing the fear (usually with tiny baby steps) becomes toe "to do" list that leads one out of the forest. Sometimes I have found a "ball of fear"--lots of tiny ones attached to one giant fear. Again, breaking the fear into all the tiny parts---and tackling, one little step at a time.

I don't know if this helps you, or not, but it has always been the way for me.

dandylion

OP, thank you for saying this. If I could figure out how to quote you I would quote the original post! In so many of the posts I read people mention how much they love their A and just do not like their A actions. I wasn't able to separate it out that way. I was filled with anger and disgust and at times hatred.

I stayed because I was too weak or scared to do anything else at the time. I also didn't want to make any decisions based soley on my emotions (which were all over the place at the time).
I always felt like a bad person for feeling that way, maybe I should still have loved him, even with all the crap that was going on. I think just having others say they feel/felt the same, and don't see all the good in their partners despite their terrible actions, makes me feel even more understood.

I love SR for its support and understanding, even if I don't post often I still feel it every time I come here. This place with the help of Al-anon can really help a person heal. It really is amazing :thanks

" I don't want to go home"....
I know the feeling, Becki. Pretty hard to detach when he's nearly unconscious and lying on the floor like a beached whale gurgling in his own vomit. Or sitting on the couch blood streaming down his face he just smashed into your china cabinet. Never knowing what you're going to find when you walk through that door. Sitting in the garage for 20 minutes afraid to come into your own home. Spending 3 nights in a hotel so you won't have to deal with it. Going by yourself to a movie after a long day at work, so you won't have to deal with him until after nine. Calling an ambulance begging them to take him away so you can have one peaceful night in your own home.