My Son Has Been Re-Arrested
 

My son is currently being charged with possession of a gun by a felon, drugs and attempt murder of law enforcement. He rammed a police car while trying to get away. His bond will be close to 1 million. I guess he couldn't adjust to normal society. I will have to buy him his television and send him the canteen funds again. I know some will say I shouldn't but he deserves to have snacks and hygiene items. His friend is angry with him cause it was his car and it has been seized for investigation purposes. I'm surprised he wasn't charged with DUI because he was extremely high and been up for days. I may have to refinance the house if I decide to get him a lawyer. Addiction is horrible.

:(

I am sorry for all the heartache you are going through. Have you checked out the prisoners families forum yet? (I posted it in the other thread).
I hope you have some support at home and people you can talk to face to face.

Be kind to yourself
hugs

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It must be terrible, heartbreaking, and confusing.

Consider not sending money, not buying a TV, and not hiring a lawyer. He will be provided for -- even if he's not given four star service, he will be provided for.

Where do you draw the line on helping him? Many of us have the experience that standing back and letting the addict be as uncomfortable as possible helps "raise the bottom" and lets them realize the true consequences of their actions. It can be difficult and painful for us to do nothing while they flounder, but it's often for the best. Additionally, we find that our constant interventions were as bad for us as they were for the addict.

It's okay for you to be furious, disappointed, and feel betrayed by your son's behavior. It's okay for you to hold him responsible for *his* actions. We will not think less of you, your parenting, or your good intentions if you can't save him from himself.

:ring

Upset ~ I truly hate that you have to watch your precious child walk this painful path ~

it is heartbreaking - we remember our children as babies, little boys & girls full of promise, full of hope, dreams ~ before the disease controlled their lives. It doesn't mean that little one is gone ~ the disease just has control and your little child isn't available at the present time.

Well - that's how it was presented to me when I my daughter went to jail for the 4th time and her youngest child was about 4 months old and her other 2 children were 3 & 5.

You have choices ~ you can continue to send money, hire attorneys and anything you want to do ~ It is your choice.

No one is going to tell you that you can or can't.

I just share my experience, strength and hope ~

For me, I had to stop. I had to not do those things. I had to tell my daughter NO. I had to tell her I loved her very very much, but that I had faith in her that she had the strength, wisdom and courage within her to find another way. I told her that I would no longer rob her of the opportunity to find her self-respect and dignity to find her way to a better life.

Now, I would love to tell you that she instantly got into recovery and life has been wonderful ~ but no - she actually continued to live on the streets and went to jail several more times over the next 3 yrs after that ~

I can tell that today, she is about 15 months sober and working at an inpatient rehab center. One that she went through for treatment (by the way it was the 5th time she had been thru treatment) She still doesn't have custody of any of her children and has limited visitation.
As part of her story, she says when I told her that she had the potential to find her own way - she hated me and loved me for it ~ she knew I believed in her when she didn't believe in herself.

Being a parent of an addict is heartbreaking ~ but there is hope for you ~ please keep reaching out to the resources available to you - I never would have made it without my SR family, my Al-Anon group and my HP!

wishing you the best ~

pink hugs!

I am sorry Upsetnneedhelp.

florence, I have a feeling he will be getting a 20+ year sentence. It's over for him. Is it that bad to buy him a 10inch television or send some money so he can buy a Pepsi? Many of here have no idea the harshness that US prisons are. Im guessing the lawyer will be $20,000+.

Is it a big difference on the outcome whether it is a state payed lawyer or one you pay?

Here the state would provide a lawyer if he can not affort one.

Just my feelings.. I might do the TV and canteen, but no way I'd put my house up for a lawyer.

One of my favorite saying we have here is, "Stand there and do nothing!"

His crisis is his. It is not necessarily yours. You can feel sorry for him and all that is lost for him and grieve that pain as a mother without remortgaging your home and endangering your financial safety.

What if he earned these things from you by demonstrating a capacity for remorse and change? Even from behind bars?

He's a grown man. He is free to save his own life, he is free to ruin his own life.

The question for me today is what's happening with you to feel so strongly about providing a soft place to fall for a lifetime violent offender?

For me, the scariest questions were the ones about who I am and what kind of parent I was. I didn't have peace until I asked them and made a concerted effort to find an authentic answer, and change what I didn't like about myself. To me, that was recovery -- the willingness to handle my situation with my alcoholic husband differently. Until then, I was managing his crises to avoid looking at my own.

You might want to think again about sending him money. I don't think it's Pepsi he buying with it.

Upset, sorry to hear this. And yet, so glad he is still alive. Ramming a police car is a situation in which some officers would have shot and killed your son, like that woman in DC last week with the one year old in the car.

Your son, a habitual offender since the age of 10--your words--this is who he is. He, sadly, might be as comfortable in prison, or more so, than out of it. It's the life he knows, it is rules he knows. It is a society he understands.

A tv? Yes, 20 years is a long time.
Money? Limited so that you are not financing a drug habit.
Lawyer? I wouldn't...simply because a public lawyer is free, and I really don't think a paid lawyer is going to get him much of anything, except drain your bank account.
Who I am thinking of with that statement is you...not him. He has to face what he has done. Must you ruin your equity too? And quite likely he will still get the same 20 years even if you do?

Upset....

My 34 year old meth addicted daughter was recently arrested (while on parole) yet again.....the charges this time are major....different charges than your son...but every bit as bad.

In the past....after a time....I started to accept her phone calls and provide her with a little bit of canteen money. She was clean, she was sane....she was a captive audience.

I have since learned that a portion of that money went to things that I would not have chosen.....like....a percentage is sent to repay her restitution.

I have since learned that MANY things are provided to them that we are not aware of.

I have also learned that some of the VERY BEST attorneys will take a court appointed case. Especially big charges...because they get to bill the state. In most states...they are required to take so many a year.

I have never....and will never....pay for an attorney for my daughter.

Please understand....there is SO MUCH MORE that goes on behind the scenes that you and I are typically not aware of.

It is difficult to say no to them when it "APPEARS" like their life is so difficult.
The hard truth is that sometimes...they just do better in a controlled...structured environment and they know exactly how to get what they need.

The truth is...they really don't need us to make their lives cushy....they need us to stay hooked into the craziness.

I know you won't see things from my point of view but I just wanted to say that since he's back in prison, at least the contract you signed with the DOC is voided now. Done and over with. Gone.

Poof....

Dear Upset, I hope you have checked out the prisoners families forum. You need the somaradarie and support of those who have been there and understand.
Giving up you
I say that you do what makes you feel that you can live with. I would think really hard before giving up my home (might be different if he were innocent).

these are my thoughts...one mother to another.

My heart goes out to you. Think about reading the book I suggested to BlueSkies in her thread. That book gave me comfort--I think it might for you, too.

sincerely, dandylion

MsPinkAcres--I want to thank you for posting your story. ESH from others means so much to those of us who are struggling.

dandylion

I'm sorry. And I'm glad MsPINKAcres stopped by with her wisdom and experience.

It's heartbreaking. Addiction is evil. I don't know what I would do in your shoes because I haven't walked all the miles in them that you have.

He didn't kill anyone. That's a good thing. He will be in prison for a very long time. It may not make a difference whether he has a public defender or a high-paid attorney, other than for your comfort while he is inside. Maybe the attorney money is wasted?

Either way -- my heart goes out to you. Lots of prayers & love.

Oh, Upset.....I am so sorry to hear this.

Only the mother of an active addict can really understand the relief that we feel when our children, who are out running and gunning, have been arrested.

The relief that, for the most part, they won't be able to hurt themselves or anyone else as long as they are behind bars. It's a sad sort of relief, but I have felt it about my stepson.

I won't offer any words of advice about whether or not to put money on your son's books or whether or not to buy him a small TV....I do hope you will think long and hard about taking a loan against your house for an attorney.

Sending hugs to you and prayers for both you and your son. S

I hope you find peace. I cannot imagine the emotions you are feeling right now Upsetnneedhelp.

For what it's worth...

you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

taking these to heart will do much more than viewing them just as "something people say"

I have found a forum for families of loved ones incarcerated. Thanks to the poster who suggested it. I do feel safer now thats he locked up. He would stick up the drug spots which was going to get him killed. He never stole from me though at least.

I know in my own path, it took me a long time to distinguish that what I thought was my feeling sorry for the addict was really my feeling sorry for MYSELF, because the addict didn't turn out the way my hopes and dreams had imagined - that my sorry was really that my hopes and dreams were smashed.

The cold, hard reality was they were doing what they wanted to do; it's just it wasn't what I wanted them to do.

Once I gave the addict adult ownership of their decisions and quit thinking I had to do for poor them, I began to free myself from that UNBELIEVABLE pain of enmeshment with an addict.

Sending support, we KNOW how much it hurts!

CLMI