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Am new here, so unsure of what to do.

Old 10-15-2013, 07:57 AM
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Am new here, so unsure of what to do.

I found this board about a month ago and have seen my story reflected in so many others I have read here. I am amazed by the supportive responses and feel comfortable to share a little myself.

Basic background - I am married to an alcoholic who also has bi-polar disorder and is using marijuana daily. Our relationship has always been rocky - duh!!

Without boring everyone with the finer details, the reason I have not separated from AH is that I am concerned about leaving him with the children unsupervised. He tends to sleep a lot during the day - drink a lot when he is awake, smokes weed every day, drives when he has been drinking and using weed. He would go out at night and leave them alone in the care of the oldest, a young teenager. I'm sure you can imagine what I am concerned about.

I used to think that I would be the stabilising force in their lives and protect them from this dysfunctional behaviour but I am finding that this isn't really working out the way I had hoped. For example, I have set a boundary of no alcohol in the house. Now AH storms around saying 'I need a drink but mum won't let me have one.' Then he will go to the pub, drive home hours later stinking like the pub floor and pass out.

So I am obviously not protecting the children from anything - but I am concerned about the lack of suitable care he will provide if we separate and I have to send the children to spend time with him.

Can anyone who has been in this situation share how they got their head around this one?
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:04 AM
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I'm fairly new too so I may not be of much help, but I would like to ask if you've sought legal counsel regarding a parent who is unfit due to substance abuse having unsupervised visits should you decide to leave? Maybe that's where you ought to start is by fact finding legally what you can before you leave him. It would certainly put your mind at ease answering those Q's.
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:14 AM
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BIG Registered

I attend Alanon. Also SR has become an integral part of my recovery.

You will start getting quite a few responses to your OP.

Please read the stickies for the friends and families forums.

Keep reading posts and start other threads if needed.

Just know....many of us have worked through situations like yours with satisfactory results....along with spiritual and mental growth....a few extra pounds too!

My concern is for you and your children....your health and well-being must come first.

In Alanon we have the 3 c's....please do a google on both...

We did not cause the alcoholism/addiction
We can not cure it
nor can we control it.
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:25 AM
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Thanks for your quick replies!! I have spent that last month reading through the stickies and posts and have found such a wealth of information and support there - I'm sure I have just scratched the surface.

AH would completely deny his behaviour and on occasion he presents quite well. In my region supervised visits tend to be very short term so I am not convinced that over the course of the coming years he will not have them on his own - particularly the younger 2. You are right though, I should seek actual advise relevant to my situation rather than looking at what is generally the case.

Of course he might put his foot in it, when I told him I didn't want him to drive the kids around while he had illegal drugs in the car, he told me that he didn't see what that had to do with anything....
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:46 AM
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When we go with fear based on assumptions instead of facts it can be a monstrous mountain to climb and become so threatening to us we just stay stuck.

Please seek out legal counsel on what your options might be but please DO NOT stay in an un-healthy situation for yourself and your children out of fear of him having them alone.

Sometimes more emotional harm is done because you stay. No matter what your reasons may be, no matter what your intentions may be in keeping them safe from him and his alcoholic/drug behavior, staying with him while he is actively drinking/drugging will certainly have an affect on your childrenís future relationships and an affect on YOUR future relationship with them. Often the children of alcoholics resent the parent who didnít drink more because they did stay and kept the children in an un-healthy environment. Al-anon rooms are filled with second, third generations of people who grew up in an alcoholic home, married an alcoholic and struggle with relationships.

At the very least see if you can get yourself and your kids some help, it will also help transition them/you through a separation and a potential divorce.
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:57 AM
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Welcome, Registered. Great screen name!

Ditto on the others' wise words about getting a legal consultation. I can't speak to a similar situation, as I didn't have kids with my X. But many posters here have gone through similar situations, and talking with someone who is knowledgeable about the laws in your area seems to be the best way to set some of the emotion aside.

keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Often the children of alcoholics resent the parent who didnít drink more because they did stay and kept the children in an un-healthy environment.
I am the adult child of an emotionally abusive father (not an A) and I can absolutely relate to this. My father is dead now, but the damage lives on in the relationships between the rest of the family members.

I learned my most unhealthy coping skills in my FOO, and also watched *50* years of a co-dependent marriage - ugh, still trying to unravel THAT knot for myself and my relationships.

Anyway, please be strong! And take good care.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:02 PM
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If you can seek legal counsel, please try to do so rather than stay because you are unsure. I have these same fears myself and I am a lawyer but not versed in this area and there is a saying that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client (or something like that). And with you posting with your question and asking for support, I am going to introduce myself as I have been posting without sharing. Thank you for your bravery.
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Old 10-16-2013, 06:14 AM
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Thank you everyone, I am really feeling the support. The time has come for me to put everything in order and live my life with joy and peace.
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