BookNerd

So, exactly one week ago my AH came home from work and told me that he was quitting drinking, as of that day, and that he wanted to start over with our marriage. That when he was growing up with an alcoholic mom, he always swore he would never be like her, and he's not sure how he ended up going down that path too. But he wanted to change, he wanted to do better for his kids, and for himself. He wanted to find his old self again.

He seemed very sincere. Naturally I was glad to hear this, although certainly cautious. He has quit drinking before, and it never lasted. He did seem more sincere about it this time though.

As the week progressed, he did not drink, and he has been much more energetic, getting work done around here that has needed doing. Which of course is nice. The first few days of his sobriety (I use the term loosely, because he is still smoking weed) he was very loving to me and the kids, more so than he has been in years probably. But each day, he has been getting a bit more irritable and a bit more irritable...today, one week in, he was so angry and irritable that he blew up at me, yelled at me for 5 minutes in front of our kids, just because I asked a simple, innocent question about the project he was working on out in the yard. (He claimed I think he is stupid, and went on and on about how insulting I am, how I shouldn't but my nose into things I know nothing about, blah blah blah.)

All this to say I am wondering if his growing irritability is a symptom of withdrawal, or if this is just who he is and the kindness from earlier in the week was fake? He is not working any program by the way although he tells me he is going to see a counselor.

I'm glad that when he was being so loving, telling me he wanted to start over, I didn't get too excited. Or this change would be devastating.

Anyway, what I am really asking is what is the time frame for alcohol withdrawal? I thought that the symptoms peaked around 3 days and then went down, but this is 7 days in and Mr. Hyde has definitely arrived...

SparkleKitty

Oof. You have a lot going on. Good for you for keeping your expectations low and reasonable.

I don't think anyone can give you a typical timeline on withdrawal, PAWS, etc., especially since your husband is not actually sober as he continues to smoke weed. What's clear, though, is that quitting drinking is not the same thing as being in recovery. I hope you can detach from behavior like the yelling and irritability. I am very sorry you had to endure that, and especially sorry he chose to do such a thing in front of your kids.

It's my experience that when addicts say they are going to stop, they really do mean it at that moment, to the best of their ability. They just don't always know how to keep meaning it. After awhile I stopped paying attention to words and started looking at actions. People who truly want to recover will do anything to make it there, and I think you will know it, if and when you actually see it.

Sending strength, courage, and hugs.

Katiekate

It could be many things, withdrawal being one of them.

It disturbs me a bit that he is not working any kind of program, I'm wondering if you are???

Alcoholism is all encompassing, finding your way out of the mess is as important for the spouse as it is for the alcoholic.

Hammer

Sort of an Emotional Roller Coaster for them. Pretty rough for them.

Often this is part of the why behind the A. Alcohol, Weed, etc., can help subdue their emotions. Sort of Self-Medication.

But -- The Roller Coaster is even worse for us if we try to ride their Roller Coaster with them.

For You: Find a slow point, jump off and stay off. Get some help like Alanon and get your life right and in good order.

Since you are wondering about dates --

It can go for MONTHS. Expect at least 3, sometimes a year or more. I have already obsessed that in full detail for you. Sometimes I am not a Good Example, but rather a Cautionary Tale. For a bad example . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

Recovering2

Doesn't sound like acute withdrawal symptoms. Sounds like he is "white knuckling". Meaning, he's sober but not in recovery. Trying to not drink, but no tools to deal with life circumstances. Alcohol is the usual coping mechanism for any stress, and now he's removed that.

I agree, if he's "not drinking" but not working any kind of real recovery program, then remain wary. It won't take anything big for him to have a drink, and he'll blame whatever it was for his decision. Hopefully he'll find AA and start working on this every day.

Hammer

btw, we / Alanon can also teach you how to handle the "rage" behavior.

Anymore, I shut Mrs. Hammer down QUICK on that stuff.

Especially if the kids are around.

BoxinRotz

My husband doesn't *RAGE*. Doesn't get mad. Doesn't get upset. It's like as soon as alcohol is out of the picture, he goes about his life.

Now, that doesn't say he isn't remorseful or guilt stricken over the things he's done and the way his life has gone but he doesn't and hasn't flown off the handle the way I know he can when he's black out drunk.

We are approaching 6 weeks on Wednesday. Our house has never been so peaceful.

BookNerd

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the responses. Recovering2, I think you may be right about the "white knuckling."

Please, do tell. How do you shut her down quick? Today, as soon as I saw the anger come over his face I just walked away and ignored the stuff he called after me. A few minutes later he was in the kitchen with me and still spewing anger, and I just kept quiet and continued what I was doing. I know it would have been way worse if I had tried to defend myself from his baseless accusations.

He just came in for supper (from his outside work) and acted totally normal. What a ride. The good thing is that I can't believe how hard he has worked the past few days. He went right back outside after supper without even sitting down in front of his computer for a few minutes. I don't think that's ever happened before! Not that I am a slave driver or anything, but it sure is nice to see him actually doing something that doesn't involve tv, video games, or beer for a change.

Hammer

Here is a description of how it started.

From a Borderline Site I also deal with, but much less than here. I post there as "somewhere" (somewhere over the rainbow).

hit the link and see where "trying to get along" leads to. I do not match on that appeasement philosophy.

How to 'detach' and set boundaries if they won't let us?

=================

Somewhere:
Suppose that might work, were I (or the kids) a toilet.

We had a talk about iit and decided we were not.

Storyline goes like this:

A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .

While Momma was away at rehab, we decided we would quit being the Rabbit.

First big blow-up and I quit being the Rabbit -- sort of set the New Order. Been running on that about 8 weeks, now.

My 10 year old daughter came and thanked me for stopping being the Rabbit. Said she would have ran-away if I had not. Daughter became the next target and we got her help with Ala-Teen. Momma has chilled on the Toilet and Paper routines on us around here.

The Crap Stops when we say so.

=============

You ONLY have to tolerate that which you will tolerate.

I would suggest you tell him (kindly) during a calm moment that if he starts screaming at you again and you tell him to STOP, and then follows you -- that you WILL call 911 on him without warning.

Dial and tell 911 that you are in fear, and hold the phone up so he will be screaming right at the 911 operator. Let the cops haul him to jail. Will buy you a few days peace, at the very worse.

I really doubt you will have to do this even once. But be fully prepared to.

Most of them can fully stop when the bully behavior does not work.

nbay2013

Hmmm, yelled at you for 5 minutes? And he is sober? It does not sound like withdrawal, except for the anxiety I guess. I mean, I have been hugely anxious at times in my life, and I have never, ever, yelled at someone for 5 minutes. Maybe snappy, rude, irritable, but usually this is following by an apology. I agree with Hammer; this needs to be shut down. Another example of shutting negative behavior; my EXAB was still drinking, and when I broke it off with him, he had temper tantrums, and even threatened suicide. My reaction to the suicide threat, which was more of a tantrum, was to call his friends and have them do an intervention. He was horrified and embarrassed when they showed up at his house. I told him next time he felt that way, I had to call 911 for his own protection. I did not do it meanly, or rudely, it was right way to handle anyone who is saying things like that. Generally if are not able to shut down outrageous behavior, you have a bigger problem then just withdrawal or cranky behavior.

wolfpackfan45

If he's not working a program he may be acting like a "dry drunk". That's the term AA uses for someone who is trying to quit on their own.

sugarbear1

Without alcohol, I am restless, irritable, and discontent. alcohol was my "solution" to living life.

I needed a new solution. Without a new solution, I was bound to drink again.

I hope your husband finds a new solution. Maybe attend Al Anon for you?

Lulu39

He's trying to find an excuse to drink and you are the perfect excuse. In his mind, he can say: "See, I would still be sober if it wasn't for her being so insulting. She makes me drink."

But you don't. You don't make him drink. Remember that.

BookNerd

Hammer, this is an interesting idea. If it is not too nosy of me to ask -did you do this with Mrs. Hammer? If so, how did it work?

BookNerd

Thank you, Lulu. I do know that. I didn't always, but I know better now. I don't "make" him do anything.

Hammer

Did not / do not need the back up in particular. Mrs. Hammer has only hit me once -- waaayyyy back when, she was angry -- not just mad, actually becoming emotionally dysregulated and I did not understand to back off when she sincerely (although like I say, angrily) asked.

I did not understand her whole illness, and she just hit me over the head so she could run away and be alone. I feel bad for her in this regard. Now when extremely angry, she will fall down on the floor, like a physical, emotion collapse. We give her a lot of space when these type emotional "fits" happen.

Now her stuff is usually classic rages. Almost comical, but since she is in pain, I do not laugh at her. Funny part is when it is done, she thinks someone has been yelling at her. Like I say I just refuse to participate and announce it.

Even though she is a Black Belt, I am still in pretty near max Army shape, 6 foot, 185 lbs, and did martial arts, myself, have never even considered hitting her, so I do not think things would likely ever turn violent. But geeezzzz my prior did hit me (yeah, I am a poosy) when not happy about things "bed time." So I got really good in bed. (gawd I am pathetic). Mrs. Hammer used to laugh about that and say that my bad history served her well. I have a terrible relationship history.

At any rate, I am speaking for you -- likely being smaller than him, and him still being active in the A.

In our case, Mrs. Hammer has been active on and off with AA for years. When I announce very clearly in a very firm voice that I am not going to fight, it sort of stands on its own, and she runs off and calls her sponsor or AA friends and comes up with crazy stories of how she is mistreated. Anymore -- I do not think many believe her, but they let her rant until the dyregulation passes. But it keeps the crazy off me and the kids.

Strange part is the kids "know" really clearly she is kind of crazy at times. They joke about between each other, and have asked me at various times, if mom goes really over the edge, that I will take them. I give them the Army Command nod, and they know I have them, and just figure that is how things are -- at least for now. We sometimes do "weather reports" for code of the Hurricane Warnings, or fun songs. Those little monsters have wicked dark humor.