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somebody please help me!

Old 10-14-2013, 01:45 PM
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Angry somebody please help me!

to anyone that is willing to help me, i am 19 years old and i am 14 weeks pregnant with my first child and im finding it really hard as my mum is an alcoholic, she has been for as long as i can remember, she drinks heavily, litres upon litres of spirits (vodka,rum) she was admitted to hospital a couple of weeks bad as she had several seizures, i was there on my own, she had one in the hospital and stopped breathing she was taken away from me, me and my sister have put up with this as long as we can remember and i cant take much more. shes been sober for a few weeks and has been the mum i remember again kind caring loving and fun to be around, today she gets trusted to go out and the first thing she does is drink, i need to think about my child and its safety i love my mum with all of my heart, i have left her with the choice of me and baby or drink, i just dont know what else i can do anymore. this is tearing me apart does anybody have any advice before its too late, because i cant watch my mum die. im slowly running out of time, im begging someone to help me.
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:06 PM
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Welcome, Aimeelouise.

From what you have written in your post, I think the main thing I can say is to make sure that if you are going to issue an ultimatum to your mom that you must be ready to carry it out. Most here use boundaries instead. I think of it like a personal security system - what you will or will not do to take care of yourself. For example, I will not get in a car driven by someone that has been drinking - I will drive myself or find another ride.

So, you've told your mom it is you & the baby or the alcohol. What you can do now is take the steps so that you can carry that out. Do you have somewhere else to go to stay? Do you have a job so you can support yourself & the baby? You have about six months before baby arrives, so that should be your focus - setting up a self-sufficient life for yourself and the baby. You cannot change your mother, but you can change yourself and your situation.

Please keep reading & posting here. There are very helpful stickies at the top of this board & there is a board specifically for adult children of Alcoholics/Addicts. Have you tried Alateen or AlAnon? You & your sister may find it very helpful. I'd also like to tell you the Three C's - I found these so helpful when I found SR & Alanon - You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.

Again, welcome. Glad you found us. Others will be along with ES&H soon.
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:18 PM
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thank you so much for your help, sometimes i cant help but think its my fault. i know it isnt and i also no i cant help her but i still try, but this time i need to put my baby first because if she falls over drunk with it and hurts my baby :/ i cant put it in that position, me and my partner are going to be moving in to his parents house until we have saved to find our own place, its just going to be hard to block out my mum shes the best person i know when shes sober, its just having her sober thats the trouble just lately i love her with everything i have and i hate its come down to this.
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:55 PM
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Hi aimee.... Welcome to SR. I can hear the frustration in your voice and you have come to a wonderful place to get support for how you are feeling. There are a lot of people here who have been thru similar situations. I'm not good at sharing advice, but others will be along shortly and give your their take on it all. One of the main things I am learning in my own recovery as a co-dependant is that I MUST take care of myself. We also must remember that we did not cause this problem and we cannot control our loved ones addiction.
Hugs and prayers for you
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:58 PM
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its just really hard, i just want my mum back, its so frustrating. i just want her to throw it away and say look my baby and her baby need me and that should be the most important thing in the world, i understand its an addiction or an illness and she cant help it until she is willing to change i just wish i could help her see sense x
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Old 10-15-2013, 04:46 AM
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She dont remember anything we spoke about last night, I so want her to experiance coming midwife with me ect but I cant can i, this is too hard shes my mum and I hate that I have to **** her out I just pray to god she can get sober then I wouldnt have to be so horrible
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:11 AM
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aimeelouise,

I am so sorry you are going through the heartbreak of an alcoholic parent. I understand your pain as I am an adult child of an alcoholic and experienced an absolutely horrific childhood.

My message to you my dear friend is that you can take steps to protect yourself and your child and learn how to move forward in your life and find peace and serenity. Your entering into your own recovery program will HELP your mother! Believe it or not as you become less frazzled, less anxious, less overwrought and learn how to detach your mother will notice ... even in her alcoholic fog!

You cannot in any way stop her from drinking! You are absolutely not responsible for her drinking or not drinking in the past or the future! You will learn this and believe it if you enter into a lifestyle of recovery from codependency and the emotional fallout of being a child of an active alcoholic.

Think about a day when you get up and instead of panic and anxiety worrying over your mother and her CHOICE to drink you wake up with a smile on your face and the joy you should be experiencing in this special time of carrying your child!

It is not good for you to be in constant fear and trepidation about your Mum. It's not good for the baby.

Would you be willing to read some books? Read some of the stickies and find an alanon meeting if I told you it will help you enormously? Please, please, please learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency... it will be lifechanging and liberating.

Only she can save herself dear. If you let go of the rope she may reach out to her HP... or she may not. But you cannot force sobriety or change another person.

The only person you can change or save is you... and that wonderful baby that is on the way. You can break the cycle of dysfunctional family of origin for that baby...

Please keep coming back and sharing with those of us on the board... We understand. We care and we can promise you hope for a better tomorrow if take the steps for your own path and way out from the family disease of alcoholism.
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:15 AM
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Hello Aimee,

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us, but very sorry for the reason why...

Yep, I've found that if I try to have a conversation with someone who has been drinking, they rarely remember the conversation the next day.

I'm so sorry for the childhood you have had with your mother. You deserved a better one, and your mum deserved a better life than she gave herself by drinking.

I can't tell you the number of times I have wanted to just shake someone I love and yell at them "Don't you see what you are doing to your life?!" The sad truth that I had to face is that no matter how many conversations I have with an active alcoholic--they just aren't going to quit until they are ready to do so.

Please stick around and read all you can here about alcoholism and addiction. If and when you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to introduce yourself in our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum, too.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome, again, Aimee!
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:35 AM
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Thank you so much to all of you this has been a massive help to me, im just stuck in this possition not knowing what to do my mum is my best friend and id do anything for her but I have to think about my precious little one, this is going to be hard but the biggest thing I need to realise is I cant help her and none of this was my fault I just hope by doing this she sees what shes doing and wakes up and realises forever holding on to something that wont happen
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:59 AM
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Dear aimee, I'm glad you reached out. This is such a devastating frustrating disease. So many of our A's have beautiful families, great jobs, etc. Yet they **** it all away by drinking. I spent a lot of time trying to get my A to see that he was going to lose everything...I now realize those efforts are futile. It's their right as adults to choose for themselves.

All we can do is choose what WE want in life. You have a partner, and a new life on the way. You can't change your Mom's situation, but you don't have to get dragged down with her. Learn how to detach with love from the behaviors, and take care of your emotional/physical health. Find AlAnon near you, those meetings will help you find peace as you move through your pregnancy.
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:01 PM
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i have a midwife appointment tomorrow, I will ask her if she will reffure me to somebody to talk to, I love my mum but im at breaking point now. just need to learn to let go and get on with my life. thank you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:07 PM
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Hi aimee, welcome. Alcoholics don't usually quit when threatened. They quit when they decide to. She needs to be in re-hab. Tell her that. Make plans for yourself and your baby to come. Don't rely on her. Take care of yourself. Grouphug.
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:38 PM
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she has quit before for a few weeks with the help from a doctor but she just gives up again, I just wish she would see sense! its so frustrating. I am trying to move on with my life now with my partner and my precious little bump, shes not talking to me because of the letter I wrote her either.
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