The Final Hideous Stages of Alcoholism
 

Hello:

I am divorced from my AW after 18 years of marriage but I still love her. She lives in her own apartment and she has been drinking herself to death on vodka. I am so powerless over alcohol, I mostly feel SAD that it has crushed a kind and gentle woman.

She is like a child in many ways, with a simplified version of the world, a wounded dove who just wants people to love her. I have no idea what kind of misery she has inside her, that makes her care so little for herself.

Today is the 2nd time in 10 months that she is inches from death because she no longer eats any kind of food. She just drinks vodka, soda, and a little milk and juice. For food she eats hard candy. Any meal put in front of her, she will take at most one small bite.

At various stages along the rollercoaster ride, she has been sober, strong, and vibrant -- literally like an angel. I was amazed by her genuine goodness during a memorable 2.5 year sober stretch after she dodged the grim reaper in 2008.

But then after that, for some reason she pulled the plug on sobriety and here we are. Today I found her on the floor of her apartment, naked, face down on the living room carpet, unable to get up, too weak to stand, unable to put one foot in front of the other, and NOT because she was drunk!

Not drunk. Starving to death. Organs shutting down. Wincing in pain, because she has a "stomach ache".

So what do I do? I cried, emotionally breaking down right before her eyes and begging her to let me take her to the hospital. She doesn't want to go to the hospital, she says "not yet". I answer: "it's not horrible enough for you yet? What are you waiting for?"

I try to detach. It's basically impossible. I love this woman. She is probably going to die. Maybe even wants to die? This is just the worst. It is outright mental illness and talking to someone who is delusional. This disease kills. My AW just turned 44 years old.

I'm just here to share and vent. I know so many of you understand. Most people do NOT understand. This is so awful, Lord help me and my poor AW.

Dear djayr, I'm sorry she is so ill. This is a miserable disease, and it's heart wrenching to watch someone we love slowly kill themselves. We are truly powerless. Are you in AlAnon? You could use the support right now, there are many men only groups if that makes you more comfortable.

I hope you both find some peace.

Djayr, I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending strength, courage, and peace your way.

Hi djyar,

I'm so sad to hear of your XAW's progression. :(

I'm experiencing something similar - my SAH (legally separated AH) is on a spiral downwards, fast and furious. In a matter of less than 3 weeks he has a DUI, attempted suicide, and is now hanging out with the homeless in our city in his free time (walking miles to go there) - mentally he is no longer there but manages to keep his job due to its artistic nature. It's TOUGH....I will say I do think it's ok to call 911 on her if you think her life is in danger. That's what I plan to do for the next suicide attempt (I handled the first one poorly).

so heartbreaking. as a last ditch effort is it possible to have her committed? I would never suggest that one who has already given so much MUST do anything....but if you feel you still want to try something, that might be an option? I am so very sorry.

Just wanted you to know that you and your XAW are in my prayers. Sending good vibes and strength your way.

hugs

"Maybe even wants to die?"

The older I get the more I come to believe that a death wish is a big part of alcoholism.

But there's also a part of her that wants to live, or she wouldn't have reached 44.

It's been mentioned to have her committed. That's certainly a reasonable approach at this extremity. Since she's your ex-wife that might prove problematic. But perhaps she'd go into care voluntarily? You may have more influence over her than you think; she may just go along with what you decide.

I'm so, so sorry for you and your ex wife. I agree that you should call 911 if you think her life is in danger. Ending up in the hospital and getting a bit better might just snap her back to reality. Wishing you both love and healing.

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing as you watch her go through this. I'm glad you wanted to share your thoughts here - I hope it helps you feel a little relief, knowing you aren't alone. Prayers going up for you and your X. It's good of you to be there for her.

HI Everyone, thanks for the thoughts. I have called 911 before and she has actually refused to let the guys take her anywhere! But this time might be different. She is with a friend tonight and who knows, maybe tomorrow will be the day she goes to the hospital.

What is driving me crazy, is I want her to say "I'm sick and I need help" -- I feel like if she got to that point, she might put some real effort into recovery for the first time ever. I have many stories of getting her into detox by strong-arming, begging, dragging, pleading, etc., and then also stories of 911 life and death situations.

This just keeps happening over, and over, and over again. There is no right answer. Maybe it's a battle of wills at this point. I want HER to say she WANTS to go to detox. That might be a crazy thing to expect of a mentally ill person. Maybe she is literally too sick to make a decision for herself. But if I force her to do something and she is resentful about it, heck with that.

It's just hard to watch. Really almost impossible. Thank you everyone for your care and concern. This is one of the main times I post on SR, when I am freaking out. It is very stressful.

She, and you, will be in my prayers. I am so sorry.

My heart goes out to you, this is a tragic story of end stage alcoholism. There are few things more self-destructive than active alcoholism. I pray for you and your wife.

My best wishes to you and sorry for your pain.

You are a loving and kind person.

My heart goes out to you too. That really hurts to read your story.

I wonder if it's a codie thing to be very calm and logical --superfocused, you could call it--when we're facing these crises with the A's? And that hyper focus on them distracts us from the pain we are in ourselves.....

When you love someone....and they're determined keep destroying themselves.... well there are no words, really. Sigh.

Anyway, that's just some thinking out loud.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak. It's hard, that's for sure. Hardest thing ever.

Glad you are hanging on and sharing your freak out, though. We've all been through the heartbreak and freak out.

Prayers.

I am so sorry to read this...please look after yourself, too!

BTDT and ruined the T-SHIRT! OMG... I so know the resentment you speak of!

Alcoholism is the worst thing I have ever experienced someone go through above all other illnesses... it is by far the WORST in my opinion. Why? Because they have a choice at the end of the day or the beginning of the day, the choice is theirs. They do not have to live this way.

I'm so sorry that you have to watch her do this. I know the heartbreak and anguish of watching it after my AH had his almost near fatal motorcycle accident and he was drinking himself to death soon after it happened. I stepped in and acted and boy oh boy was that a disaster! I don't know if he appreciated anything I did to save his life but I do know he was very resentful and for that, I don't know if I could ever extend my good faith to him again in that kind of situation. More like sit back and put my seatbelt on and have the morgue on speed dial.

Now, I focus more on myself and less on him. It's been working for me because I know I've done all I can and there is nothing left for me to do than to just mind myself. All I can truly say is I hate this disease! I f'ing HATE what it does to people and most of all, their families!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Though I have not experienced this part of the devastating effects of alcoholism, I know there is a possibility I may someday. It scares me to think about it.

Heartfelt prayers coming your way.

I get it. On the 21st if this month it will be one year since my best friend drank herself to death. Vodka. It was a terrible way to die.

She had a chance - her first hospital stay was successful and she was able to stay sober for 6 months and really turn her organ failure around. The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself! But she relapsed, and that one killed her.

I asked her if she wanted to die - just straight out asked the question. She said "sometimes". I believe that, and probably think its downplaying things a bit.

Looking back, I often play the "what if" game in my head. What if I could have gotten her to the hospital earlier? What if I had agreed to go to AA meetings with her because she was so intimidated doing it alone? Truth is - it was always her choice. Even at the end, it was her choice.

Prayers, Djayer. For both of you.
~T

I feel you. I would give anything for by ABF to say himself he wants to get sober, that he is sick of being sick. I've encouraged/dragged/threatened rehab so many times. A few times he went, and strung together some real time--mostly because his consequences were building and his bottoms so treacherous. He is in the same position as you AW now.... Sick and drinking himself to death in a hotel room. I want to help, and but I l know nothing I do will make him be sober.

911 is the only option of compassion to save their lives. Beyond that, we can't know if they will grasp onto recovery or not. Not our choice.

Relentlessly painful to watch this disease progress. I thought he had finally had enough...

I just spent most of the day today taking care of XAW. Thank God I get to leave.

She will not go to the hospital, "not yet", as if she is waiting for something bad to happen. And something bad will happen, this woman is unable to take nutrition and she looks like a skin and bones shadow of her old self. Crossing over from life to death and acting like two grapes and some juice is a really good day of eating.

This is so absolutely insane, I have been moved out from her (and now even fully divorced 3 months ago), for 17 months. It is huge not to be face to face with this great and debilitating evil, which really messes up the brain. XAW is nuts, but freaking crazy STUBBORN nuts.

So I walk away. Tomorrow I will start a new week and she will be on her own. I dealt with her in compassion today. I did what I could. I said my peace about 5 times and 5 ways and then detached after that. She is in God's hands as always.

I did take time this morning to run for 1 hour deep in the forest. Blue skies and fall colors and lots of hills. God made all this. He can heal the sick and raise the dead. That is my ultimate peace and I am more than happy to rest on His kindness and grace for XAW and myself alike.