When is leaving NOT the answer...
 

There seems to be A LOT of advice that centers around leave - leave - and more leave .... What if you just don't want to or aren't ready?

Well then don't. Only you know what's best for you.

This seems to be another struggle of mine, and no I do not think I can control this disease or that I can personally change something. But for some reason, I do believe that my AH wants the change himself. HOWEVER, he does not want to accept the fact that he will have to STOP drinking COMPLETELY and that this is going to be the only way for him to win. And I have to accept the fact that things can only get worse if he does not stop. So, if I do stay, I also must have an exit strategy (which I am working on, just in case).

Have you tried al anon? One of the things I love about al anon is no one tells you to leave. Ur left to make your own choices. By the time I reached al anon I was obsessed with the idea of wether I should leave him or not. Drove me mad. Of course all my friends said leave then I felt guilty as I felt I couldn't. Personally I don't believe the answer is always to leave as that implies the problem lies solely with the alcoholic which in my experience is not true. One has to ask themselves why they have choose not live with active alcoholism to begin with and I believe this answer lies in our family of origin. Or it certainly did in my case and most of my al anon friends. Couldn't have told you that when I first began attending al anon. I also know a lot of woman in al anon who never leave and that is their choice and they are not judged or treated indifferently for it. We love each other in al anon. It's a very cool program.

I can leave or make my AW leave, I don't want to. Very good point. Without researching (stalking) your prior posts, I think most folks suggesting to leave are suggesting to keep yourself (and those who can't protect themselves) safe.

That being said, it's a rough road and mine has been and will be. My AW gets out of a 45 rehab stint in 2 weeks, had family week with her last week and it was a good program, learned a great deal about the disease and have good plans of action moving forward. The hardest part for me will be to stay out of the way in the future.

If you have the means, try treatment if they're up for it. From what we were told, true alcoholics go through cycles of drinking.

http://cdn.recoveryconnection.org/im...-addiction.jpg

- Developing feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction
- Making a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use

The time to get into treatment is during these two steps above, but don't be surprised if the alcoholic hits the bottle on the way to treatment. Once the commitment is made, get there as fast as possible, don't pass go & collect $200, stop only for lights & stop signs. We had a 6-hr drive and my AW was bargaining for wine on the drive, all kinds of silly things, she'd just drank almost two bottles before we left.


Your mileage can and likely will differ - best of luck & God Bless,

B

When I first googled " how to get along with a drunken idiot" little did I know that i would eventually stumble across this site.

I was pretty much at my wits end.

Nobody told me to leave/end the relationship.

They suggested I read the stickies at the top of the forum.

They welcomed me, and said they understood.

And as I was reading all those posts, I was shocked to see so much repeated behavior, the names, faces, locations, all different, but the common denominator, we all shared, Our lives were in the crapper, and addiction was ruling, and ruining our lives.

The most important thing I learned here, "Alcoholism, left untreated will only get WORSE"

Nobody is telling you to leave.

I think it's important for people to make decisions based of facts, and not emotions.

really the only time leaving is suggested/recommended is when the alcoholic has turned ugly, mean or abusive. or when the finances are being destroyed. when small helpless children are involved. WE are here to support the loved one....and hope they find a happy healthy way to live.

Hi Allthings,

I am brand new at this so forgive me for any breach in etiquette, but I'd like to share a page from a book a received when going to Nar-anon six weeks ago.

I had the same questions as you, and a wonderful person pointed out a page that helped. I went home and read it..feeling somewhat better. Actually when I get in that "What should I do mode" I read it again and again. So to not plagiarize its pg 314 of the Nar-anon family book.

When I came into the Nar-Anon program, I was one of those people who always had to know the answer. It was my job in life to unerstand the chaos, to track it, and to be prepared in an instant to do any one of a list of available remedies to keep the explosions from occurring.

After twenty years of living with active addiction, and a few years in the program, I realized I had three options; continue living with the active addiction, leave the relationship, or the addict finds recovery.

What I wanted was for the addict to get clean and sober, and for our family to continue intact. However, I slowly accepted that this option was not up to me. I can get clean and sober and detach from my obsessions, but I cannot get the addict clean and sober.

I did not want either of the two remaining options, and I did not know what to do. I continued to stay confused. After a long while, I realized that all I could do was sit there with my contradictory feelings and accept the confusion. I decided not to act until I was clear. I learned from the program that being confused is ok. I learned it was ok to just sit, and not make any decisions. I was released from being entangled and enmeshed in the problems of the addict. I regained more and more of myself.

One day, a year and a half later, that moment of clarity came. I have never second guessed myself since that time, never felt I should have made the other choice. When it finally became clear, I knew it was time to go. I waited several more months until I could manage the actual move and then I moved out.

Later, I realized that if I had cut myself off to quickly, I would have left parts of myself behind and taken parts of him with me. We were to enmeshed, like a kitten tangled in a string of yarn, and it took some time to unravel those twenty years and gather all of me together into my new separate self.

Thought for the day: When I feel confused, I practice awareness and acceptance waiting for clarity before I move to action

Leaving or staying is really a very personal choice. If you believe that you can detach from the drama and chaos that naturally comes with addiction, that you can have some financial security, if you are not being abused in any way, then leaving may not seem like the best choice.

It really is up to you to evaluate your own situation.

If you don't want to or aren't ready...don't. I learned a new twist on an old saying in AlAnon. "Don't just do something...Stand there!" Meaning, if you're not sure or clear about what to do with your situation, it's okay to do nothing. Take the time to learn all you can, go to AlAnon and learn from others experiences. Only you know what's right for you.

I stayed with my A, only after he went to treatment and made an effort at true recovery. We both continue to work on our recoveries. I picked my sponsor in AlAnon because she had chosen to stay with her AH. That's what worked for me.

The only time I think you will see consensus on leaving is when someone is in an abusive situation, or kids are being damaged. Those 2 are deal breakers IMO.

It's your life and your decision - no one on a message board or in a group (like Alanon or whatever) can decide your life for you. In my experience I always felt like Alanon was urging me to "stay" which perturbed me...in the end I realized that thought was more about me then them - and even if they *were* trying to get me to stay so what I decided. My decision was still mine. My experience here is no one told me what to do, I made my own decision.

Just thinking Step 1 - I myself have categorized message board posts and/or advice (perceived or otherwise) as things I can't control so I let them go. All I can control is my responses to them.

AllThings, You have been very clear about not wanting to leave and I respect and appreciate that choice. From your other thread, re: marriage counseling, I would gently suggest that it might not always be up to you. Our significant others have the right to choose whether to leave or stay as well. Whatever happens, SR is here to support you, and I hope that you will be prepared for whatever circumstance brings. Sending strength and courage your way.

Only you can decide if this is the life you want, leave and stay. It's very important to look at your own feelings -- is this relationship supportive and are you generally happy? Can you trust and respect your husband? Always remember that alcoholism is progressive and while someone is drinking nothing can prevent that downward spiral.

I second that "or kids are being damaged."

Nobody is doing their kids a favor staying with an active alcoholic.

I think part of it is that there are a lot of cases with young children involved, and active alcoholics just aren't fit to actually be a healthy parent...

Then you don,t. Some people never leave for various reasons. Depends what people can live with.

AllThings, if you aren't ready or willing you're not going to leave whatever the advice. But i think a lot of people who put up this option started at your position and eventually gave up and left. Some consider that as time wasted.
By all means read the posts that don't advocate leaving, but it's good to get all POV.

Leaving a marriage is a highly personal choice, and I agree no one should feel like they are overtly, or subtly being directed one way or another based on other peoples opinions, or the thought process of a group. I feel the sentiment "leave" often on the forums, but I felt in in al anon when I went. It is subtle often, more like "work on your own recovery, and when you become healthy, then you will see that you are in a bad relationship and you will find the strength to leave". I havent left my husband, because I think he has the potential for change in him, and our life is 95% good right now. I dont think I can change his addiction disease, any more than I think I could change his cancer disease (if he had one). When I started working with an addiction doctor my thoughts fell into place. People have to have treatment, and so I turned to encouraging, an supporting that option. He is in IOP now, his second week and I feel hopeful. I also have made contingency plans in case it goes south. I have not only myself to think about, but a little one on the way, there is no other option for me but to plan ahead whichever way things fall.

My mom didn't leave "to keep the family together" because she is a Christian ....and here I am! :headbange

I only leave when he's being OUTRAGEOUS! That's when I pack the Girls' bowls and food up, my work uniforms and 3 days worth of undies and socks and we just leave. No Good byes, I'll see ya later, go to hell... or maybe that last one but yeah, we go on a mini vacation to my brother's peaceful house and the Girls play with CoCo. It's pretty chaotic to have 2 Rottenweilers and a Boxer having at it but it's fun! :D It's a hell of a lot better than being stuck in a house with a raging alcoholic who can't or more than likely WON'T stop.

But to be fair to my AH, he's been doing well these last few weeks. I hope I'll never have to pack up for a few days again but only time will tell. I don't do it to give him space, I do it for myself and the Girls. AND he doesn't like it. Truth is, I shouldn't have to do it!!!

I stay because I'm happy where I am for the most part. He and I have a great relationship minus the vodka. Before he got sober this time, he said, I'm scared you'll leave. I said, I'm not going to leave you Baby... *rubs his back* You'll leave me because it will kill you. *Gets up and walks out*