Jenibean87

Hi all. My ABF relapsed this week, and has since fled to Las Vegas. Our friends out there claim he has spent the past two days passed out in the room, keeping himself unconscious.

At what point, if at all, do I fly down there and drag his butt home? I have done this a handful of times in the past, but I am learning from Al-Anon how that is something I shouldn't do again. That I can't force him to recover, that its not my responsibility, and that helping him avoid consequences is enabling.

But... What about all the people who help their loved ones into rehab by dragging them from their low point and being a support? You hear this all the time. Do I only act if he asks for help directly, and not go there otherwise? What's the consensus on helping someone out of a bender?

LoveMeNow

I used to try and "help" aka rescue aka control with the same kind of comparative thinking. Then I realized I had a huge ego. I wasn't qualified to help my husband. I had to stop trying to play GOD.

Try and put all your focus back on you and let him be.

NYCDoglvr

You don't. There's nothing you can say or do that will keep another person from drinking. You did this before and it obviously didn't drink. What's changed? For an active alcoholic, booze is their Higher Power, God, best friend in the world. A much better idea is going to Alanon, which saved my sanity and life. I learned that I am powerless over people, places and things and that the only changes I can make are in myself.

AnvilheadII

I have done this a handful of times in the past

NOT.YOUR.JOB. you tried. a lot of time. HE relapsed, HE took off for Vegas. his choice. his consequences. you do not have to ACT at all.

Carlotta

Don't waste money on a plane ticket. Buy yourself something nice instead. When he is ready to quit, he can get some help himself, he is an able bodied adult and does not need to be "rescued"

Seren

Hi Jeni...

If you fly out there, take care of his hotel bill, clean him up, make sure he makes it home, then he really does not learn that there are consequences to his actions.

However, if his friends out there think he is a serious danger to himself, they can be encouraged to call 911 and get him to a hospital.

Fandy

why would you WANT to waste your energy on someone who doesn't care about YOU?

some boyfriend, he treats both you and himself like your lives are not worth taking care of.

sometimes you just have to step back and see if he cares enough to save his own butt.

NWGRITS

Actually, you don't hear it all the time. At least not from people who are really in recovery. It's not unusual for someone to take the credit for getting their A sober. You cannot drag a person into sobriety who doesn't already want it for themselves. It simply doesn't work that way. As for the people patting themselves on the back, they need Al-Anon so that they can fix their codependency issues. Your Abf has a higher power, and you are not it.

Jenibean87

Thanks you guys. I know the right choice is to let him choose when and if he is ready to get sober again. I'll stay here, and keep in contact with friends who I could contact if I feel it's turned into an emergency. Al anon tonight for sure. Also, took your advice and instead of booking a plane ticket, I booked a hair appointment

Hard to detach at this level. I do well day-to-day when he is home, but when he takes off like this I go crazy with worry.

AnvilheadII

maybe it would be best FOR YOU not to stay in contact - not to stay on alert awaiting an EMERGENCY when you get to fly in to the rescue??? if it becomes an emergency, THEY can call 911. the medics are trained professionals and can be there much quicker. stand down, Jenibean. do it for you.

he is going to do what he is going to do. he HAS and will continue to do so.

enjoy the hair appointment AND the alanon meeting. that's making it about YOU.

Fandy

Sometimes when you are in the thick of crazy, you can't see it for what it really is...A one way relationship...

God forbid, if YOU had an actual medical emergency right now and needed Mr. Prince Charming....what would HE DO FOR YOU? Put down the vodka nipple and coming running from his hideaway in Las Vegas? (we both know the answer to this).
Would he stop what he is doing and race to help you? would he be sure that you were safe and taken care of? Speak to any doctors in charge of your care and make sane, safe decisions? Could he?

Nope, he is a child and you are acting like his mother.

I don't know about you, but I am done raising my kids, my daughter is 32, in grad school and has a husband...I fight the mama urge when things go wrong for her, but help from a distance....the difference here is that she is my child, not my partner.

lizw

The only help I offer these days is an honest chat and to call them an ambulance if they want one. I.e alcohol poisoning or they've hurt themselves etc..

I've given up being an ambulance myself.

Heard a guy tell a funny story once at an AA meeting where he was talking to a member about his health concern/obsessive worry for another member who was relapsing. The sober member said to him, " have you got a flashing light on your head?" Of course he says "no" and the other guy says to him "then what makes u think ur an ambulance then?"

Certainly changed my attitude. I'll buy anything that is sold with humour.

BadCompany

Never place yourself between an alcoholic and their last drink. That is a dangerous place to be.

foolsgold66

Can you, sure. Should you, probably not. If he's been in and out of recovery for years, as your prior posts indicate, he should know what HIS first steps are.

spiderqueen

Absolute waste of time. Messy, yucky, scary and totally pointless. Wish I couldn't relate, but man, can I ever.

Please Jenibean, do not go "crazy with worry" over someone who doesn't give a rat's a** for his own well-being. That way madness lies.

Good for you for not flying there. Come visit me instead! I'll take you hiking and make you a yummy dinner.

Spider

jaynie04

Regarding dragging a loved one to rehab....I did 30 days in June/July, first time. I don't think any of us could predict who was going to stay sober. I do remember that there were those of us who were there because we wanted to be, and that we realized how much extra slack our loved ones had to pick up while we were away. Sadly, there were patients that were already talking about using while they were there. Even in small groups when we shared with each none of us could talk each other out of it.

I know it must be brutal. Wild horses wouldn't have gotten me clean and sober unless I wanted it. You can see from those of us who are newly sober and posting, it is life altering. He got to Vegas by himself. He is a big boy. We alkies are amazingly agile at keeping our addiction alive, he doesn't need your help. I know this is hard to hear, but as long as you are keeping the home fires burning he knows he has a soft place to land. He is never going to get sober for you.

Think of a loving spouse as a well padded spacesuit an alkie wears, every time we screw up, both of us hit the ground. First of all it is softening the blow. Let him hit the ground and let it hurt. This is life or death stuff, I absolutely realize that. But taking the stings out of his fall only prolongs the process and hurts you too. This isn't against him, it is FOR YOU! I got sober for a number of reasons, but I had to do it for me first.

Shadydeal

I understand your question and your struggle! I can only say that I wish I had let my XABF repair his own issues! All my "helping" likely helped him to progress as an A. It certainly was not my intention but I see it clearly now!

Ruby2

It would be a waste of money and time to "rescue" your ABF. take care of yourself. I used to want to do this for my AH and it was only because I then felt a small measure of control in our relationship. Did it do any good? No, never. Did he thank me? No, never. At one point I called an ambulance because he passed out and was having a seizure on our kitchen floor. He got to the hospital, refused treatment, called me on the phone and then dragged me out of the car in the middle of a busy street when I stupidly went to pick him up after he left the ER. Do not know your situation but if you are not married and do not have kids, leave him to take care of himself. I do not mean to sound harsh. I only wish I had walked away a long time ago.

Jenibean87

Your story reminded me of the time I called an ambulance after my ABF passed out and fell face first on the floor... I couldn't wake him up, and called an ambulance fearing he had concussed himself or broke his neck. To this day, three years later, he still brings up what a bitch I was for doing that. Then again, other times he has been appreciative of my "rescuing." Point is--it's unpredictable. I'm constantly inclined to "do the good and right thing" and be caring and loving enough for us both.

Today, he goaded me when I said al anon says I shouldn't come rescue him. His response: I missed out on an orgasm. (What fun that could have been....not)

Even though it is KILLING me to stay here alone and worry, I keep re-reading posts and finding strength to not go and rescue. I need to let him experience his own pain and consequences. And I need to ensure I am safe (read: unpredictable responses to care taking)

Thanks SR! I never ever would have believed its possible for me to stay this strong.

Florence

Wrong thread!