Can I help him out of a bender?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
My heart aches for you because you are giving so much for someone who really doesn't give a damn about you in return. He knew you would come rescue him, is all. Sweetie, this isn't love, it's taking advantage of your codependent nature. So, you're going to rescue King Baby so that he can come home and keep doing the same sh*t he is doing now. Or he will refuse to come home and you've wasted the money to go out there, anyway. I can guarantee you didn't cross his mind until he got into trouble. Guar-an-tee it. Stay at home and let him figure out his life for himself. Maybe he will realize what an irresponsible idiot he is and get help. Or not. Either way, he isn't your responsibility.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
This man has been physically abusive (broke your arm), cheated on you, and just recently asked you to move out so he could focus on his recovery.......
I say this without judgement.....but your focus on him is just a deflection from working on you. He is toxic to your mental health and self esteem.
Finally looking in the mirror and working on me was very difficult but very rewarding at the time. I still have a long way to go but today, I look forward to the journey.
Rescuing him is not going to make him love or appreciate you more or treat you any better. It going to have the exact opposite results you so desperately desire. I see now how many of my own rescue attempts fed my ego, gave me self worth and were attempts at being loved from someone who was just not capable.
All said with a caring heart. It's time to heal you and the injured child within you. I pray you start loving yourself first!!
I say this without judgement.....but your focus on him is just a deflection from working on you. He is toxic to your mental health and self esteem.
Finally looking in the mirror and working on me was very difficult but very rewarding at the time. I still have a long way to go but today, I look forward to the journey.
Rescuing him is not going to make him love or appreciate you more or treat you any better. It going to have the exact opposite results you so desperately desire. I see now how many of my own rescue attempts fed my ego, gave me self worth and were attempts at being loved from someone who was just not capable.
All said with a caring heart. It's time to heal you and the injured child within you. I pray you start loving yourself first!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Oh my.
Dejavu for me.
My XA LOVES Las Vegas! He has gone MIA and ended up in Vegas drinking and gambling for months at a time! I used to buy his tickets to get home and he would get trashed in the airport and miss flights and leave his luggage unattended. Security picked it up so many times they had my number on speed dial!
I flew out there several times and tracked him down and "rescued him" from himself. I forced him into rehab over and over and over again.
How did that work out for both of us? After four years of chasing him around the country and "rescuing" him from his drunken idiocy it occurred to me that nothing was every going to change... he was not going to change no matter how many times he quacked recovery, remorse and pledges of rainbows and unicorns and happy endings.
It's all just quacking. It is an illusion. It is a mirage.
However, perhaps some of us just aren't ready yet to put down that fire extinquisher, pack of huggies and of course their checkbook to pay for all the consequences of insane alcoholic behavior.
Keep coming back... I did and I put on a pair of glasses. I am living the dream in paradise and have a life of serenity and peace.
My XA? We have been split up for over 2 years. He just called me last night and quacked about how I needed to help him with money because he was sober after his last 6 month binge in Vegas and had a job as a cab driver starting in the morning.
I trained him so well he will probably NEVER stop asking for a rescue! LOL. Its hard to shake an alcoholic.
But I changed. I said NO! NOT the alcoholic crazy train back on my doorstep!!!!
I gave what I could. Encouragement and prayers. Sent to him to where he needed to go: his Higher Power.
Dejavu for me.
My XA LOVES Las Vegas! He has gone MIA and ended up in Vegas drinking and gambling for months at a time! I used to buy his tickets to get home and he would get trashed in the airport and miss flights and leave his luggage unattended. Security picked it up so many times they had my number on speed dial!
I flew out there several times and tracked him down and "rescued him" from himself. I forced him into rehab over and over and over again.
How did that work out for both of us? After four years of chasing him around the country and "rescuing" him from his drunken idiocy it occurred to me that nothing was every going to change... he was not going to change no matter how many times he quacked recovery, remorse and pledges of rainbows and unicorns and happy endings.
It's all just quacking. It is an illusion. It is a mirage.
However, perhaps some of us just aren't ready yet to put down that fire extinquisher, pack of huggies and of course their checkbook to pay for all the consequences of insane alcoholic behavior.
Keep coming back... I did and I put on a pair of glasses. I am living the dream in paradise and have a life of serenity and peace.
My XA? We have been split up for over 2 years. He just called me last night and quacked about how I needed to help him with money because he was sober after his last 6 month binge in Vegas and had a job as a cab driver starting in the morning.
I trained him so well he will probably NEVER stop asking for a rescue! LOL. Its hard to shake an alcoholic.
But I changed. I said NO! NOT the alcoholic crazy train back on my doorstep!!!!
I gave what I could. Encouragement and prayers. Sent to him to where he needed to go: his Higher Power.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Of course you are all right. He will never learn to (a) help himself or (b) experience the consequences of his drinking if I keep rescuing and cushioning his fall. A big part of me resonates with the idea of hoping he will see and appreciate all I do for him. I know better than to think that's enough to stop him drinking, or fix a broken relationship.
It's hard when I get 30 calls a day from friends?asking what th hell is going on and what am I doing to help. And the only people I want to talk to are his family. But I'm too scared to ask them to consider that he relapsed, and even more scared to suggest they participate in an intervention.
Wow, I have a lot of work to do. I'll keep coming back. :/
It's hard when I get 30 calls a day from friends?asking what th hell is going on and what am I doing to help. And the only people I want to talk to are his family. But I'm too scared to ask them to consider that he relapsed, and even more scared to suggest they participate in an intervention.
Wow, I have a lot of work to do. I'll keep coming back. :/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Yes, please just keep coming back here. These changes take time. You have to get to a place where you are so fed up, you're willing to try something radically different--kind of like your own rock bottom. It's a process and you aren't there yet which is fine. Be compassionate with yourself! Hugs.
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 
Ugh just the opposite. I'm frustrated I didn't go.... He would be home now if I had picked him up and shoved him on plane with me. As it is, he is probably passed out somewhere in mccaren. Called Vegas drunk tank to see if security has him, but (unfortunately) no.
Instincts are to fly there and hunt him down in airport. I clearly know better than to actually do this....but I just wish I had gone to pick him up. Nevertheless, I'm in tears right now that he didn't get on plane. I know it's out of my control now....but it didn't have to be.
Instincts are to fly there and hunt him down in airport. I clearly know better than to actually do this....but I just wish I had gone to pick him up. Nevertheless, I'm in tears right now that he didn't get on plane. I know it's out of my control now....but it didn't have to be.
He doesn't CARE ENOUGH about you to act like a normal human being...because his DOC comes first, always. His addiction in running the show, your feelings do not enter into his equations. he doesn't appreciate anything except the next drink. who is paying for all of this? This trip to Vegas and hoopla could have been used for something HAPPY for both of you to ENJOY.
i'm sorry you don't see this, I hope you will take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
OK so you have been kind and helpful to him
and he is verbally abusive with you.
Nice guy. Not good.
And you see what in this guy? Rhetorical.
I am very happy you are going to Alanon.
Pulling for you. Remember again the Three C's.
and he is verbally abusive with you.
Nice guy. Not good.
And you see what in this guy? Rhetorical.
I am very happy you are going to Alanon.
Pulling for you. Remember again the Three C's.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It took me a very long time to figure out that "doing something" doesn't always equal "helping". In fact, it very often takes a bad situation and makes it worse -- even though it felt better and like I was more in control JUST because I was not doing nothing. So many times I "helped" my XABF by cushioning him from consequences. All I did was teach him that no matter what he did or how he treated me, it was more important to me to save him than to take care of myself.
He was pretty surprised when I stopped. He tried every tactic he could to get me to go back to taking care of him -- he pushed every single button he could think of, the worst of which was the Guilt one. I leaned on a lot of people to help me stay strong and resist the urge to "make everything better" so I could stop feeling bad. I had to learn to let myself feel bad, so that I could move past it.
He was pretty surprised when I stopped. He tried every tactic he could to get me to go back to taking care of him -- he pushed every single button he could think of, the worst of which was the Guilt one. I leaned on a lot of people to help me stay strong and resist the urge to "make everything better" so I could stop feeling bad. I had to learn to let myself feel bad, so that I could move past it.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
love: LET GO or BE DRAGGED and it seems to me you are gonna be dragged if you continue to take care of him....
i am sorry but i have to say this...this topic made me go nuts, i see so much dyfunction and CO DEPENDENT behaviours, and i had to pull back. WE can only control our OWN behaviours and actions...no one elses...tell all of HIS friends to back off and get AL ANON also...this disease EFFECTS everyone
please read Co dependent No More, by Melody Beattie
i am sorry but i have to say this...this topic made me go nuts, i see so much dyfunction and CO DEPENDENT behaviours, and i had to pull back. WE can only control our OWN behaviours and actions...no one elses...tell all of HIS friends to back off and get AL ANON also...this disease EFFECTS everyone
please read Co dependent No More, by Melody Beattie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
A big part of me resonates with the idea of hoping he will see and appreciate all I do for him.
that is your hook right there, that is why you've been itching to get on the plane and RACE to his RESCUE...here i am, in all my glory, look how wonderful i am, look at all i do for you, NOW pay up pal. you OWE me.
never works. only costs you more and more. he's a grown f'ing man, he lost his wallet, that is HIS Problem. if i was traveling somewhere and i lost MY wallet i would not EXPECT anyone to FLY to me side to fix it for me, my husband sure as hell would not jump on the first flight out and race to my aid. why? because it's not necessary.
when my daughter and i were on our trip to ireland and overnighted in NYC - the next morning we took a trip on the subway to go down to Ground Zero...only they were doing maintenance work and the subway just stopped and everybody was told to get off. so we did. then the doors whooshed close and the train took off in the opposite direction at the EXACT same moment my daughter looked at me and said MOM, my purse, i left my purse on the train and it has my passport in it!!!!
we did not go to Ireland that year. we returned to our hotel, she called all the various cards to cancel, and we got on a plane back for home the next day.
that is your hook right there, that is why you've been itching to get on the plane and RACE to his RESCUE...here i am, in all my glory, look how wonderful i am, look at all i do for you, NOW pay up pal. you OWE me.
never works. only costs you more and more. he's a grown f'ing man, he lost his wallet, that is HIS Problem. if i was traveling somewhere and i lost MY wallet i would not EXPECT anyone to FLY to me side to fix it for me, my husband sure as hell would not jump on the first flight out and race to my aid. why? because it's not necessary.
when my daughter and i were on our trip to ireland and overnighted in NYC - the next morning we took a trip on the subway to go down to Ground Zero...only they were doing maintenance work and the subway just stopped and everybody was told to get off. so we did. then the doors whooshed close and the train took off in the opposite direction at the EXACT same moment my daughter looked at me and said MOM, my purse, i left my purse on the train and it has my passport in it!!!!
we did not go to Ireland that year. we returned to our hotel, she called all the various cards to cancel, and we got on a plane back for home the next day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Jeni, I am coming from the perspective of someone who rescued and rescued and rescued for six years to no avail. When I felt I could not lose any more of myself to this dysfunctional relationship, I broke it off. I am doing amazing AND SO IS HE. My rescuing did nothing for him. He started rehab and is in recovery now AFTER I broke up with him.
It is an illusion that we are helping. We are only losing ourselves. I was miserable, depressed and did not care an ounce about myself. I am so much happier now.
My point is you are no helping anybody, not yourself and not him.
It is an illusion that we are helping. We are only losing ourselves. I was miserable, depressed and did not care an ounce about myself. I am so much happier now.
My point is you are no helping anybody, not yourself and not him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
For the 30 friends: "I'm going to al anon meetings to learn to deal with his alcoholism in a healthy way. If you want to come with me, let me know, I'd love your company. If you want to contact ABF, here's his phone number."
Here's what helped me decide what was healthy helping, and what was codependent insanity: I asked myself, would I do this for a neighbor? I don't stop my life and chase my tail for my neighbors. I would run an occasional errand for them or feed their cat, or cook a few meals if they were under the weather. I like my neighbors, and we help each other out.
I wouldn't clean vomit off their carpet from a bender, or post bail or wash their dishes or monitor their drug and alcohol use and make their car payments or lie to their bosses. I assume they have the right to live a chaotic life, and wouldn't welcome my intrusion in daily choices. It helped me see that my A ALSO is a separate individual. There is the kindness of a neighbor who respects boundaries, and then there is codependence.
In a healthy mutual relationship, I might make the car payment and clean up messes--but life with an A is not a healthy relationship. Enjoy the peace and quiet while he's gone!
Here's what helped me decide what was healthy helping, and what was codependent insanity: I asked myself, would I do this for a neighbor? I don't stop my life and chase my tail for my neighbors. I would run an occasional errand for them or feed their cat, or cook a few meals if they were under the weather. I like my neighbors, and we help each other out.
I wouldn't clean vomit off their carpet from a bender, or post bail or wash their dishes or monitor their drug and alcohol use and make their car payments or lie to their bosses. I assume they have the right to live a chaotic life, and wouldn't welcome my intrusion in daily choices. It helped me see that my A ALSO is a separate individual. There is the kindness of a neighbor who respects boundaries, and then there is codependence.
In a healthy mutual relationship, I might make the car payment and clean up messes--but life with an A is not a healthy relationship. Enjoy the peace and quiet while he's gone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
There is a scene in Animal House where some guy is being hit with a frat paddle as part of the initiation.
The response he was required to give after every swat on the butt with the paddle...
"Thank you sir may I have another".
It is really hard to watch someone get hurt, I hope you really think this though because I think you are being presented with a huge opportunity to make a major detour off of this course. I love the phrase "Don't do something, just sit there".
The response he was required to give after every swat on the butt with the paddle...
"Thank you sir may I have another".
It is really hard to watch someone get hurt, I hope you really think this though because I think you are being presented with a huge opportunity to make a major detour off of this course. I love the phrase "Don't do something, just sit there".
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
The OP is probably right now in full codie relapse and whatever we say probably registers as much as telling a relapsing alcoholic not to drink the next drink.
We all know how this is probably going to play out: with a repentant and chastised alcoholic pledging everlasting sobriety and devotion until the next binge and the OP's hopes for a bright future raised again because he has so much potential. only to be crushed.
Hopefully, when he messes up again, she'll read this thread and might be ready to listen to what everyone has contributed.
I am just really grateful to Al Anon. Nowadays, other people's stupid actions and addiction do not "ruin" my week ends or send me in an hysterical frenzy but I remember being in the rescuer mode and I still have to watch out because this is a role I could easily fall back into.
It's a process...
We all know how this is probably going to play out: with a repentant and chastised alcoholic pledging everlasting sobriety and devotion until the next binge and the OP's hopes for a bright future raised again because he has so much potential. only to be crushed.
Hopefully, when he messes up again, she'll read this thread and might be ready to listen to what everyone has contributed.
I am just really grateful to Al Anon. Nowadays, other people's stupid actions and addiction do not "ruin" my week ends or send me in an hysterical frenzy but I remember being in the rescuer mode and I still have to watch out because this is a role I could easily fall back into.
It's a process...
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