Woodman123

My true 'codie' colors are shining through here. My AW is engaged in her 3rd inpatient rehab stint, and apparently doing well (by her admission). However, the counselors think she is minimizing (which was acknowledged in the previous 2 inpatient stays at another facility) and have asked me for a list of 25 consequences to myself and the family of her drinking. As she has been out of the house for a few weeks, I tend to transition from a "glad she's out, now I can be stress-free for a while" to a position of missing her and feeling less resolute about forcing her to face her consequences. Now that I've been asked to provide this list, and knowing they will present this to her for discussion in group, I simply can't help but feel guilty for 'piling on' and making her feel even worse about herself by revealing/reliving the emotional distress left in the alcoholic wake. I know from al-anon and elsewhere that any degree of covering up or minimizing the impact is a feature of my co-dependence, and I know that I need to be honest with her in order for her to be honest with herself, so why can't I feel good about this being the right thing to do?

Wisconsin

Woodman, try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. You have been to hell and back, a hundred times over. You are traumatized and hurt and still in love with someone who has brought a lot of chaos into your life. Not feeling good about doing the right thing is OK.

Try to trust that right now, the counselors know best. If they believe a list of 25 consequences has the potential to meaningfully affect your AW's recovery in a positive way, then they probably know what they are talking about.

And remember...you feel guilty about "piling on" to all of her difficulties, but her disease has piled a lot on to you over the years. Try to think about it as piling on the truth, and that you are piling the truth on to the disease. The truth could be just the alcoholism-repellant your wife needs. Good luck!

SparkleKitty

Woodman, it's one thing if you're hitting her with this stuff because you WANT to shame her or hurt her. It's quite another if a counselor is asking you to do it. This is a time when intentions count.

What everyone has done so far hasn't worked. Her, you, the rehabs. If she isn't ready to hear it, it won't matter what you write anyway. If she IS ready, then it might make a big difference.

And if that's not enough -- well, then maybe let go about feeling good about doing the right thing. It doesn't always feel good to do the right thing. But it's worse to have to live with having taken the path of least resistance and find that nothing has changed.

Good luck to you, sending hugs and strength.

jessicajoe

This sounds right to me. Even if its challenging right now. If she came home and relapsed would you then wish you had been as honest with it as you possibly could?

I wish you well

AnvilheadII

that's a tall order woodman...however, she is on her 3rd rehab....and how did she get there????? treatment isn't a punishment, it's the opportunity to start on the road to recovery. as she is in a healing environment, this is the BEST place for her to begin to FACE the destruction she has caused.

about that list. how about just start with 5? five things that YOU have been affected by due to her out of control drinking. you may never get to a whole 25....and IMHO that is ok. but as much as it would be good for HER to wake up, it is important that YOU validate what you have been through. you matter, your feelings matter, you wants hopes and wishes matter. your pain is real. it's time to give that all a voice. YOUR voice.

lizw

I've got an al anon book I like to read a lot called 'how al anon works for family and friends of alcoholics'.
In there it lists feelings common to those living with or having grown up with alcoholism and guilt is one. Obsessional thinking is another I remember from the list.

Dunno about everyone else but I grew up in a family where my parents blamed us kids for their crap behaviour and treatment of us. My father still blames me for the violence and abuse he dished out to me as a teenager. These days I know he is a sick man and his opinion is untrue.

If the counsellor is asking for this list, u could always see it as the universe giving you a chance to let ur partner know how you feel and how their behaviour has affected the family. You really have no control as to how your partner feels about what you have to say either.

I think it is a great opportunity for you to get honest.

BlueSkies1

That right there...would convince me....

Woodman123

Thank you ALL for the wonderful encouragement! I so agree with the points raised, and this gives me strength and confidence. As for AnvilHead's comment that I "may never get to a whole 25 (consequences), I can sadly say that while I initially thought it would be a difficult task to come up with 10-15, I was shocked how easily 25+ came through, especially when the kids were asked to reveal how it's impacted them. Peace and happiness to you all!

Recovering2

That list may be an important part of YOUR recovery as well. Getting the feelings out and writing it down will help you and your children confront what this has done to your life, and help you plan moving forward.

Good Luck

Florence

I really like the phrase, "Recovery is a program of Honesty."

I believe in my heart of hearts that when we are not honest with one another, the addictive behavior thrives. She's a grown up, she wants to make her life better, this is part of the program as designed by her treatment team. Don't be mean, but don't pull your punches either. Tell the truth.

tjol81

If you can't tell her how it will affect you and your family, how will she ever know? Like others here have said, there's no necessity to stick the knife in, but all truths have a varying degree of sting in the tail. You cannot decide how what you say will be interpreted. Just use the opportunity to be honest and frank so you both know where you stand. I, too, would struggle with feeling guilty, but for any relationship to work, there needs to be honesty. We codies spend so much time micromanaging feelings whether our own or our A's, that it can be a godsend to remember the stuff that really is important and serious. I know I've lost sight enough times!

I wish you luck in what must be a daunting and difficult task, and remember that what you say may not be appreciated now, but it won't be forgotten. All the best :-)

RhodeIsland

Wood, the longer she's gone the better it'll feel. it's like detoxing. Relationships that are toxic, just like alcohol - our minds get used to the toxin's presence. Get over the hump, and don't pick up the bad habit again.

It ain't an issue of being strong, it's hard, the pain is excruciating. It's hard to move on from loving someone. But just as alcohol takes a toll on the body, toxic relationships wreak havoc on our mental and emotional well being.

Like the AW, it has to be done for the self, and when you're ready.