MakingMeHappy

My in-laws want to take my 5 yr old DD for another vacation this weekend and into next week. I have struggled with these visitations since my AH and I separated in Sept. 2012. I want to be supportive of a continued relationship between DD and her Grandparents. (However they do NOT stick to their word as you can read about in my prior posts here). DD is in Kindergarten and the absences will be unexcused. I am a teacher at the same school she attends and that makes it difficult for me. Legally, school is not mandatory until age 6. However, she is already enrolled in Kindergarten and really should not be out of school unless she is sick. My in-laws plan to take her to Lego Land on Tuesday. I looked it up online and Lego Land is closed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays this month. My ASTBXH and my in-laws told DD about the trip before asking me. She is obviously looking forward to it. I am struggling with this. Do I agree and let her be disappointed when they figure out Lego Land is closed? Do I tell them to do Lego Land on Monday and return her to me that evening so that she’ll only miss one day of school unexcused? Either way am I trying to control the situation in a co-dependent way? How do I know when I am making healthy choices for myself and my daughter and when I am trying to exert control on others?

AnvilheadII

NO is a complete sentence. she needs stability, and even at this young age to learn that school is important. lego land can wait. if you do what is in HER best interest, you won't have to worry about the other issues.

wanttobehealthy

They are manipulating your D by telling her about a trip that they want to take her on before running it by you.

I agree with Anvilhead. No is a great answer.

I think it's more than generous to begin with that you send your D off with your ex MIL anyway. If she cant be happy with what you are offering, then too bad for her.

Do what is best for your D. Undoubtedly the MIL will be pissed and that's on her. You are looking out for your D.

Florence

No is a complete sentence. The others are right -- you have no obligation to keep up your daughter's relationship with the ex in laws, and what you do allow must be within the boundaries of what is your daughters best interests.

MakingMeHappy

Thanks! I knew the right answer deep down. For some reason, I needed others to agree with me before taking action. I need to grow stronger in my ability to say no to others. It is my downfall every time! I need to accept that I can make great decisions for myself and my daughter on my own. I need to stop looking for others to support my decisions when I already know my decisions are the best ones. Yet it's easier said than done.

theuncertainty

What an absolutely uncaring, unthinking, or manipulative thing to do: telling your DD before seeing if it's OK with you, or if she was available or could miss school, or even if Lego Land is open.

IMHO, and it may not be a common belief among the general public anymore, but school is a major and important commitment. It's not 'optional', even if started early. Taking a child out of class for a playdate on a whim sends a message that it's not important, which is definitely not a message I'd want taking root in my DS's mind. And depending on how the class is taught, it can throw off not only your child's lessons, but the class's as well, at least slightly.

At the very least, any absence of a friend creates speculation and concern and the teacher then needs to spend some time assuring them all is OK, their friend is just under the weather, it's temporary, and their friend will be back when s/he feels better.

I'd agree w Anvil that no is a complete sentence. Would it help to set a boundary for them that DD doesn't miss school? If they push back, you could site that education is very important, that how Kindergarten is approached sets the tone for upcoming years, that absences disrupt the class... IDK...

I wish I could offer any help. I can say I'd support you saying she can't go. I can say I'd be sucking it up, being the 'bad guy' and telling DS, sorry, you can't miss school. And this is one area I wouldn't have trouble standing up to my XAH and his family on. No one gets to mess with my son's education. Not sure if hearing that from a complete stranger helps at all.

Oh and I'm not saying you 'should'. Just 2 cents. I support you either way. ((((hugs)))) It depends on your priorities for DD. A test I started giving myself when dealing with AXH and his family is to consider if I would react the same way if it was my family's plan that I was evaluating. Generally, if I came up with a 'I'd have NO problem telling my sister no' it made it slightly easier to work up the nerve to tell them no. And if I came up with 'I'd let DS go with his auntie or uncle,' I'd have to re-evaluate my reason for saying no to AXH and his family.

Sending hugs.

theuncertainty

I apparently took a long time to type that, only Anvil's response was there. Sorry about that overlap and repeating some of what others said.

You're doing fine. Dealing with STBX in-laws is a relatively new thing for you. It takes time to gain confidence. (((hugs)))

MakingMeHappy

My family would NEVER ask for DD during school time. They know I am a teacher who has been teaching for 20+ years. I am a National Board Certified teacher. I write grants for my classroom, grade level team, and district. I take on educational leadership roles in my school, district, and state. I am all about education. That is why I am struggling with this visit more than any other my in-laws have requested. No worries though. I am cancelling this one. They can think/believe what they want. They are requesting DD for Mon/Tues to take her to Lego Land on Tues and it is closed. They didn't honor our former agreements. So my answer is no.

Thank you for helping me to clarify my thinking!

theuncertainty

Yeah, my family wouldn't either. And a number of my contemplations started out 'IF my family were so stupid that they'd ask...'

Cyranoak

...why would you act on any other premise than this?

Take care,

Cyranoak

fourmaggie

i understand you want validation on what happened here...but sometimes just take a step back and say "i will need to think about that AND get back to you"

and learning the word NO never hurt anyone...just remember its her reactions (MIL) not yours...

I remember back in the day and MIL would say "ooh Maggie your making a MOUNTAIN out of a MOLE hill"...i never reacted and walked away...thats her behaviour, not mine

Recovering2

I'm happy to hear you've decided to tell them no. No matter what the relationships are, it's not healthy to pull her out of school to go play. Your daughter may be disappointed, but it's your job to make the decisions that are in her best interest. You're not her buddy...you're her Mom.

Your inlaws may not be happy...oh well. They're allowed to have their reaction, doesn't have to change your decision. Eventually they will figure out you have boundaries and you're holding them.

jessicajoe

It's all about opinions right ?

I would have let a child miss school to visit legoland. I think there is a good chance you could learn lots at legoland and maybe more than you would have at school that day.

My sister got a nasty letter from school for having her kids miss the last day of term to fly on their vacation. It was a "bargain" holiday and would have been more expensive if they had waited to the Saturday. She felt really guilty but I figure they learned more about aviation, foreign currency,language, culture.. a whole host of things than they would have in school that day.

That said. I absolutely agree that in this instance you are quite right to say no.
They should have asked you first and checked there was nothing special on at school and they absolutely should have checked the place was open. They (in my opinion) sound a bit unreliable and I think you are making a wise decision.

MakingMeHappy

OK. I already know that I messed up here but...
I had planned to say no but then I felt bad. I let my in-laws take DD this weekend against my better judgement. I am still having difficulty making decisions that are logical rather than based on heart strings. I talked to my DD tonight and she sounded miserable. Grandparents figured out that LegoLand is closed on Tuesday and are thinking of taking her to Animal Kingdom instead before returning her home. However, DD was bawling about having no books, toys, or puzzles. She cried because she misses me. I called ASTBXH afterwards. He and I have not talked on the phone since our separation in Sept. He answered and I had him call our daughter. I reminded him of the "fun" he had growing up in their home. She may be home tomorrow. Even though I should have said no this time. We all learn at our own pace. I will do better next time.

marie1960

Just sharing my thoughts here.

Maybe until all involved are on the same playing field, limit visits to day time ONLY. There is nothing etched in stone that visits have to be overnight, is there?

Also, be very clear in your communication. You are her mother, and you have the job of raising your child. You can express your concerns in a polite but firm manner, you don't have to bow down to these people.

Keep the child the main focus, working for the greater good of her well being, safety, security, and happiness.

We lead by example, treat them the way you expect to be treated.

( I did read one of your posts and you stated the grandparents took additional liberty, that is scary, and just cannot continue to happen.) The ball is in their court, they can either play by the rules, or take their ball and go home until they choose to act like supporting grandparents, not sabbataging fools.

Mutual honesty, respect, and communication are what's needed here.

It would probably be best NOT to discuss your husband with them, keep it about the child.