GoingAlone2

When did you know it was time to separate yourself from the alcoholic in your life?

Wisconsin

For me, it was when I finally accepted him and our marriage exactly as they were, and accepted that I could not have one single expectation of him. Once I TRULY accepted that, and accepted that I believe I deserve a partner with whom I can have a mutually supportive, caring relationship, I decided was no longer to accept my AH as my spouse anymore. I accept him as a human being, but that does not mean I need to accept him in the role of my most trusted partner.

lillamy

When he threatened to kill the entire family.
In retrospect, I waited a tad too long.

HappyHermit

When I really heard her saying things to me that I knew weren't true. I realized in that moment that she was delusional and wasn't going to improve. I said "Well, I think then you better go. You need to move out. And I need you to know that this is a one way street this time."

I was tired of the mental, verbal, emotional abuse - I can't live in fantasy land any more - it sucks there.

Elis

When he slit his wrists in the bathroom and I looked at him, rolled my eyes and realized I was more upset that he had used one of my good knives than I was that he had slit his wrists.

Santa

When my depressed, anxious 14-year-old daughter started drinking.

SparkleKitty

When I finally accepted that I had no control over what he did, where, and with who. With that acceptance came the understanding of something my therapist had said to me months and months earlier -- that staying with him was just keeping me from the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with anyone else (including myself).

NB: we were not married, did not have kids, and I was completely financially independent of him, so my situation was relatively uncomplicated, unlike many many others here. I cared very much for him but could no longer care for him more than he cared for himself. He was living in my condo, but left when I told him I would gather a posse of friends to escort him out if he did not leave of his own accord.

Shortly thereafter I met the man who eventually became my husband and things have been pretty fantastic ever since. Had I hung on and kept trying to "help" (i.e. "change") my XABF, this amazing guy would not have even registered on my radar.

healthyagain

I think I am getting really close to that point. It is mostly the idea that I cannot even expect to have kids with my partner. Just do not see that happening. And it really makes me sad, but that's the reality. He will never say, "oh, I am going to stop, I am going to change, I want us to grow old together and have a family together."

m1k3

I left when the pain of staying was greater then the pain of leaving.

Your friend,

Thumper

I left when I felt that I would slip over the edge forever if I didn't. Everything was just closing in. Everything was so dark, I was so stressed, I was so TIRED, I felt like I was coming apart at the seams and the only thing left to do was to get away. I was in a frenzy to fix and control things for so long and I looked around and nothing was fixable, nothing was controllable, everything was getting worse.

xbee14x

And this is why I wanna stop drinking because I don't wanna loose the one I love..

Hammer

Good on the stopping part.

Something I think I have tracked . . . the best reason to stop is for you to not lose you.

That might be some of the love it will take.

LifeRecovery

I just want to say that the decision to leave was made in an instance for me, and I could not have made the decision a minute before I did. It did not have anything to do directly with drinking, but I was done.

For me it took what it took, until I could take no more. It was hard, and I had doubts, but I did not look back after it was made.

FreeTheLOVE

I knew it was time to separate myself when I looked in the mirror and realized that I deserved more and I had been neglecting myself in order to care for someone else who couldn't even care for themselves. When I realized all the things I had been putting myself through, worrying, stressing and not feeling good enough. When I finally started listening to my instinct I said to myself, "It's about time someone started taking care of ME, and I'm the ONLY one who can do that. Because if my ABF can't care for himself, he can NEVER take care of me."

FreeTheLOVE

This hit me. Everyone is different. Everyone has a "breaking point" so to speak. And it's something you will never forget. It's one of those profound memories in your life. But when it does come, hold onto it for dear life.

Wisconsin

I think, in general, being ready to walk away requires a huge shift in attitude. For some people, that shift comes on gradually over time, often as part of recovery. For others, there is a huge crisis or major event that triggers the shift. It has been more gradual for me, but I can also look back on the last six months and identify very specific events that pushed me toward being ready in sudden bursts.

Fathom

I left when I no longer respected myself for staying. I realized I was part of my problem, so I left to go fix that. Now, I like who I am a lot more.

Peace,
Fathom

Florence

When I realized that he would say whatever was necessary to get me off his back, and he would continue to do as little as possible to sustain himself. Everything I wanted in the relationship hinged on trust, accountability, stability, and love, and whatever I gave I got nothing back. Eventually I was so dried out and fed up, the straw that broke the camel's back was nothing compared to every horrorshow that came before it.

I had several bottoms. One was when I was trying to figure out a budget and to deflect my attention he attempted suicide. That was a good one -- it threw me off his personal booze budget for a couple of years. Another one was when he cheated on me and convinced me it was my fault. My "biggest" bottom (so to speak!) was sending him off to rehab a third time while I was still in recovery for a c-section for our daughter. I still have nerve damage from that surgery and I suspect it was from my inability to rest after the surgery.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when he was on his way to rehab #4, and he decided to tell me his plans to lie to the rehab about sneaking in a phone and in the same breath threatened me if I told on him. To get this phone, he preyed on my and my son's hurt feelings and hopes that he was going to get better as he was leaving town, came to our house to say goodbye, and while he was there snuck in and grabbed a dummy out of a drawer. It was definitely the last straw for me, and it broke my heart that he could use us so casually, and thus it was one of the most telling interactions I had with him. He had no limits when it came to getting his way. Finally I believed it.

If I stayed any longer I couldn't respect myself.

Wisconsin

THIS. This is so true for me, too.

NeedSomeHappy

So many of these resonate with me. I have put up with a lot over the last 2 years, and some things take time to sink in before it hurts/angers you. Some things are instant anger/hurt. The quacking about how he wants to get a better job but he can't because of his 3 drug charges (1 from just a few months ago), or complaining about having hours cut down to 10 a week 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't gone in search of something better...those are slow boils. Waking me up at 1am to accuse me of cheating out of nowhere and leaving (drunk) and taking my keys too and disappearing until 9am the next morning...that was a pretty instant realization of 'oh crap I need to get out of here'...that was 3 months ago and I haven't felt safe in my own home since. He has been so sweet and loving since then, still drinking to excess and smoking pot all evening though. I have to fight the feeling of going right back into complacency, feeling like this is all normal - because it isn't. What was said on another thread really resonated with me too - it isn't about how good someone is to you, it's how good they are FOR you. Every day I try to take a step back and evaluate. It isn't easy or sudden, but every day I get just a little closer to being ready to go. Every time I hear the sound of his grinder, or the shh-pop of a bottle of beer being opened at 11am on a Saturday when we have his 10 year old daughter, every time I come home from work and he has been home all day and it smells like a 4:20 festival happened in my living room...it pushes me just a bit more toward the door.