When did you know it was time to go?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
For those of you that have left.........were you struggling to leave prior to the event that made you finally leave or end the relationship??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
For those of you that have left.........were you struggling to leave prior to the event that made you finally leave or end the relationship??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Like others have said, when I realized that the time I spent alone without him was so much more wonderful than time spent with him.
When I realized I'd be less lonely living by myself than living with a man who couldn't care less about anything but his own selfish desires.
When I found myself spending all my free time avoiding our shared apartment - spending hours at the library or at coffee shops with my computer, with a book at the park, going on bike rides on ALL the bike paths in my city, all to avoid spending any time at all with him.
When I realized I had NO interest whatsoever in working things out with him, and the idea of having to spend another holiday season seeing his (addict and narcissist filled) family made me feel ill.
When I adjusted my work schedule so that I'd still be asleep when he left in the mornings, so that I could have a shower and coffee before work without having to interact with him.
When I downloaded the Mr. Number app and blocked all his texts. (THANK YOU to whoever here recommended that - it's awesome!)
When I *totally* stopped caring that he was going to leap into another woman's bed as soon as I was out of the picture. I never thought I'd get to this point but....here I am, and it's friggin fantastic!!!
When I realized I'd be less lonely living by myself than living with a man who couldn't care less about anything but his own selfish desires.
When I found myself spending all my free time avoiding our shared apartment - spending hours at the library or at coffee shops with my computer, with a book at the park, going on bike rides on ALL the bike paths in my city, all to avoid spending any time at all with him.
When I realized I had NO interest whatsoever in working things out with him, and the idea of having to spend another holiday season seeing his (addict and narcissist filled) family made me feel ill.
When I adjusted my work schedule so that I'd still be asleep when he left in the mornings, so that I could have a shower and coffee before work without having to interact with him.
When I downloaded the Mr. Number app and blocked all his texts. (THANK YOU to whoever here recommended that - it's awesome!)
When I *totally* stopped caring that he was going to leap into another woman's bed as soon as I was out of the picture. I never thought I'd get to this point but....here I am, and it's friggin fantastic!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
For those of you that have left.........were you struggling to leave prior to the event that made you finally leave or end the relationship??
Originally Posted by nbay2013
I was struggling, wrestling with fear of being alone, guilt over leaving a clearly suffering person I loved. I was in emotional pain all the time. For a long time. For about 18 months I was in a state of acute indecision. I didn't know he was drinking alcoholically at the time, but in hindsight, it makes no difference. So, the incident that led to me breaking it off was me hitting my bottom.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
After almost 20 years of marriage, it had gotten really bad and we were totally isolated in a remote house on a mountaintop. He was drunk every night and verbally abusing me and threatening suicide saying that I would find him hanging in the morning. Then he got into porn and said that it was my fault. I told him that I would not live with this any longer. I needed him to change, and it was his choice to change or not. I said if he didn't change, at some point, I would find myself gone.
In May, I found myself in my art studio and cleaning it and removing all the old projects, and he happened by, and I said "it seems like I am making a clean sweep here, getting ready for something new", and I meant in my art studio but I realized later that it was a deeper part of me getting ready to move on.
In June he almost died at a restaurant and went by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329, and attacked the staff and had to, at 69 years old, be restrained by 8 men. And he blamed me and said I was frigid and evil and the cause of all his problems and told me to watch porn to realize what real women are like and threatened me with other women.
I set clear boundaries then: stop drinking. No other women in our marriage, just me, no porn stars, texts or videocams with internet women, just me and a commitment to me.
July 4th, my credit card fraud squad called because he had spent over $1200 on porn women in Ghana and elsewhere on MY credit. He was in the lower level of our house in his office, and I took my dog and a suitcase and ran away forever as soon as I put the phone down. I don't know when he realized I was gone.
I never went back. I filed for divorce within the week. I had no idea how bad it had become until I left.
Now, 15 months later, I am divorced, living in my own little house with my little dog by the ocean and I am happy. It will be financially difficult, because at 63 now I am older than I wish I were, but my new studio will be ready by Thanksgiving, and I will do what I have to do to survive financially, and I know that I will thrive and grow and live in joy for the rest of my life.
Now that he is no longer around and abusive, my grown children and grandchildren are with me again, and I have the wind and waves and smell of the ocean, and moments of despair and fear, but what endures for me is my growing community of loving souls, and my freedom and joy.
There was an unarticulated but inexorable process of change at work in me, like the undertow deep beneath the surface. I couldn't see it, I couldn't name it, and it progressed until the wave suddenly hit the shore, and I was gone. Forever.
ShootingStar1
In May, I found myself in my art studio and cleaning it and removing all the old projects, and he happened by, and I said "it seems like I am making a clean sweep here, getting ready for something new", and I meant in my art studio but I realized later that it was a deeper part of me getting ready to move on.
In June he almost died at a restaurant and went by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329, and attacked the staff and had to, at 69 years old, be restrained by 8 men. And he blamed me and said I was frigid and evil and the cause of all his problems and told me to watch porn to realize what real women are like and threatened me with other women.
I set clear boundaries then: stop drinking. No other women in our marriage, just me, no porn stars, texts or videocams with internet women, just me and a commitment to me.
July 4th, my credit card fraud squad called because he had spent over $1200 on porn women in Ghana and elsewhere on MY credit. He was in the lower level of our house in his office, and I took my dog and a suitcase and ran away forever as soon as I put the phone down. I don't know when he realized I was gone.
I never went back. I filed for divorce within the week. I had no idea how bad it had become until I left.
Now, 15 months later, I am divorced, living in my own little house with my little dog by the ocean and I am happy. It will be financially difficult, because at 63 now I am older than I wish I were, but my new studio will be ready by Thanksgiving, and I will do what I have to do to survive financially, and I know that I will thrive and grow and live in joy for the rest of my life.
Now that he is no longer around and abusive, my grown children and grandchildren are with me again, and I have the wind and waves and smell of the ocean, and moments of despair and fear, but what endures for me is my growing community of loving souls, and my freedom and joy.
There was an unarticulated but inexorable process of change at work in me, like the undertow deep beneath the surface. I couldn't see it, I couldn't name it, and it progressed until the wave suddenly hit the shore, and I was gone. Forever.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
After almost 20 years of marriage, it had gotten really bad and we were totally isolated in a remote house on a mountaintop. He was drunk every night and verbally abusing me and threatening suicide saying that I would find him hanging in the morning. Then he got into porn and said that it was my fault. I told him that I would not live with this any longer. I needed him to change, and it was his choice to change or not. I said if he didn't change, at some point, I would find myself gone.
In May, I found myself in my art studio and cleaning it and removing all the old projects, and he happened by, and I said "it seems like I am making a clean sweep here, getting ready for something new", and I meant in my art studio but I realized later that it was a deeper part of me getting ready to move on.
In June he almost died at a restaurant and went by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329, and attacked the staff and had to, at 69 years old, be restrained by 8 men. And he blamed me and said I was frigid and evil and the cause of all his problems and told me to watch porn to realize what real women are like and threatened me with other women.
I set clear boundaries then: stop drinking. No other women in our marriage, just me, no porn stars, texts or videocams with internet women, just me and a commitment to me.
July 4th, my credit card fraud squad called because he had spent over $1200 on porn women in Ghana and elsewhere on MY credit. He was in the lower level of our house in his office, and I took my dog and a suitcase and ran away forever as soon as I put the phone down. I don't know when he realized I was gone.
I never went back. I filed for divorce within the week. I had no idea how bad it had become until I left.
Now, 15 months later, I am divorced, living in my own little house with my little dog by the ocean and I am happy. It will be financially difficult, because at 63 now I am older than I wish I were, but my new studio will be ready by Thanksgiving, and I will do what I have to do to survive financially, and I know that I will thrive and grow and live in joy for the rest of my life.
Now that he is no longer around and abusive, my grown children and grandchildren are with me again, and I have the wind and waves and smell of the ocean, and moments of despair and fear, but what endures for me is my growing community of loving souls, and my freedom and joy.
There was an unarticulated but inexorable process of change at work in me, like the undertow deep beneath the surface. I couldn't see it, I couldn't name it, and it progressed until the wave suddenly hit the shore, and I was gone. Forever.
ShootingStar1
In May, I found myself in my art studio and cleaning it and removing all the old projects, and he happened by, and I said "it seems like I am making a clean sweep here, getting ready for something new", and I meant in my art studio but I realized later that it was a deeper part of me getting ready to move on.
In June he almost died at a restaurant and went by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329, and attacked the staff and had to, at 69 years old, be restrained by 8 men. And he blamed me and said I was frigid and evil and the cause of all his problems and told me to watch porn to realize what real women are like and threatened me with other women.
I set clear boundaries then: stop drinking. No other women in our marriage, just me, no porn stars, texts or videocams with internet women, just me and a commitment to me.
July 4th, my credit card fraud squad called because he had spent over $1200 on porn women in Ghana and elsewhere on MY credit. He was in the lower level of our house in his office, and I took my dog and a suitcase and ran away forever as soon as I put the phone down. I don't know when he realized I was gone.
I never went back. I filed for divorce within the week. I had no idea how bad it had become until I left.
Now, 15 months later, I am divorced, living in my own little house with my little dog by the ocean and I am happy. It will be financially difficult, because at 63 now I am older than I wish I were, but my new studio will be ready by Thanksgiving, and I will do what I have to do to survive financially, and I know that I will thrive and grow and live in joy for the rest of my life.
Now that he is no longer around and abusive, my grown children and grandchildren are with me again, and I have the wind and waves and smell of the ocean, and moments of despair and fear, but what endures for me is my growing community of loving souls, and my freedom and joy.
There was an unarticulated but inexorable process of change at work in me, like the undertow deep beneath the surface. I couldn't see it, I couldn't name it, and it progressed until the wave suddenly hit the shore, and I was gone. Forever.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
After 4 months of separation we decided to try to one more time and give it a second chance (we didn't move in together).
During our 2 month reconciliation I learned that EXAH was drinking still (and a lot. developing gastritis and detoxing every time he would skip days), that he was selling drugs and had been while I was living there without my knowledge and that despite his health issues moderation was still his first choice as a goal. Also, one morning I discovered him sexting another woman about getting an "unprofessional" massage from her and referring to past encounters.
I became very aware that the man I thought of in my head and the man in front of me were two different men. The man in front of me was one I did not trust to guard my heart, trust to take take care of himself or trust to be a strong leader of our family.
I finally had the balls to say and believe that I deserve to have a trustworthy, stable and safe relationship where someone watches out for me. Where I don't even think of checking someones phone. Where I can plan for the future and not have a big what if over my head.
All I can do is take care of myself and invest my time/heart where it is safe and today that is with myself.
During our 2 month reconciliation I learned that EXAH was drinking still (and a lot. developing gastritis and detoxing every time he would skip days), that he was selling drugs and had been while I was living there without my knowledge and that despite his health issues moderation was still his first choice as a goal. Also, one morning I discovered him sexting another woman about getting an "unprofessional" massage from her and referring to past encounters.
I became very aware that the man I thought of in my head and the man in front of me were two different men. The man in front of me was one I did not trust to guard my heart, trust to take take care of himself or trust to be a strong leader of our family.
I finally had the balls to say and believe that I deserve to have a trustworthy, stable and safe relationship where someone watches out for me. Where I don't even think of checking someones phone. Where I can plan for the future and not have a big what if over my head.
All I can do is take care of myself and invest my time/heart where it is safe and today that is with myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
I had been struggling for awhile on whether to stay or go. The beginning of the end was ex getting a DUI, and him and his parents hiding it from me. The dui was a few weeks before Christmas, that was a crappy gift year. That started him on a big downward spiral, leading to a long night of him tantrumming, and me realizing then that it was over. The tantrum was in January, i was out on July 1st of that year.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
For me I left in stages. First we separated living in separate houses - what led to that was my anger, I felt myself more and more getting out of control angry with him and knew I couldn't handle the close proximity to the situation any longer. At that point he was drinking 3-4 bottles of hard liquor a night, passing out every night, painting murals on the walls at 4am, relandscaping on a whim, housing multiple stray cats....just crazy stuff...passing out all over the house the night before a holiday when his parents were visiting and the classic passing out in the holiday casserole (that one was darkly funny).
Next step was legally separating - basically it was more of the same and the pressure building on me - the space from him due to the above led me to realize how unhappy and angry I was.
Now that we are legally separated he is in a fast and furious downhill spiral - in less than a month, a DUI, a suicide attempt, multiple promises to get help then backing out and hanging out with the homeless in the city....literally his mind is going. I know I did the right thing by leaving but I'm not totally gone - I did tell him should he check HIMSELF into yet another last ditch rehab I would assist him with fees but I won't be helping him there. So I'm in the hallway - out the door but still peeking in through the emotional window, that's the next spot I need to leave. Even if he does go to the strict last ditch rehab (which I do hope he does) I know we are done, I can't go back to that emotionally, I value my sanity too much.
PS - I first came to SR in early 2011 and I remember saying "oh my AH isn't THAT bad" - because none of the above had happened yet. Think it won't happen to you? The disease is progressive and the progression is inevitable...maybe little details vary here and there but untreated alcoholism always ends up on the train track with the train hitting it at 100 mph.
Next step was legally separating - basically it was more of the same and the pressure building on me - the space from him due to the above led me to realize how unhappy and angry I was.
Now that we are legally separated he is in a fast and furious downhill spiral - in less than a month, a DUI, a suicide attempt, multiple promises to get help then backing out and hanging out with the homeless in the city....literally his mind is going. I know I did the right thing by leaving but I'm not totally gone - I did tell him should he check HIMSELF into yet another last ditch rehab I would assist him with fees but I won't be helping him there. So I'm in the hallway - out the door but still peeking in through the emotional window, that's the next spot I need to leave. Even if he does go to the strict last ditch rehab (which I do hope he does) I know we are done, I can't go back to that emotionally, I value my sanity too much.
PS - I first came to SR in early 2011 and I remember saying "oh my AH isn't THAT bad" - because none of the above had happened yet. Think it won't happen to you? The disease is progressive and the progression is inevitable...maybe little details vary here and there but untreated alcoholism always ends up on the train track with the train hitting it at 100 mph.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Mine was when he told me that I made him miserable and that he couldn't live like this. I scoffed and said "YOU can't live like this?? HA! That's rich!" the next day I found out for sure that he was in active addiction and kicked him out. Don't regret a darn thing about what I said or did, and sure as heck don't feel like I abandoned the marriage, he did that as soon as he chose to use.
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