BlueMoon

ok, i know .... no ... i'm pretty sure ... well .... MAYBE! i'm NOT crazy -
I'M not crazy, the SITUATION i'm in *IS* - - -

But it doesn't make sense that how i FEEL is so very diffferent than how i ACT! That's what what feels so crazy.
3+ wks ago my AH just *poofed* and disappeared - haven't heard a *peep* from or about him since. He'd been sober over 7yrs until last fall. Things have been shaky since then, but *nothing* to indicate - - - - - (oh i can see even as i type, the error in that statement! He's an alcoholic, what's the question!?)

Guess what i'm having problems with, is that we were getting along GREAT. i KNOW he loves me, he KNOWS i love him. i KNOW that this is HIS sickness, this is obviously something that he needs to do. I'm scared for him, i'm worried to death. I am filled to overflowing with sorrow. I ache. I miss him. I want him back (right THIS SECOND!) - But i haven't cried. How can i hurt so much and NOT CRY? I find myself starting off into space + i'll "come to" with a start and wonder how long i've just been sitting there, being sad + remembering that it IS NOT ABOUT ME -

I'm functioning. My son takes me to the store or to do other errands and we talk and laugh. LAUGH? How can i do that? It doesn't make sense!!!
My landlady came over this afternoon to show the apt. I joked with her, I talked up the apt to the prospective tenant, I talked about AH to the landlady - with a SMILE.

It feels like all these "words of wisdom" are running around in my head (which is a good thing right?) - but i wonder if becoming wiser interfers with *Feeling* - - -

No - that's not it - i wonder WHY I AM NOT CRYING!
Maybe cuz he always held me when i cried - and i miss being held so much - tears or no --


ok - now i AM crying - (shaking head) - i feel like such a wreck -
i'm 46yo and i have never lived by myself - unless you count the last time 8yr ago that AH *poofed* for 2 month -

i sit here in my empty apt. and i literally do not know what to DO - and that sounds so stupid in my ears -
i'm NOT afraid to be alone - I just truly believed that he + i would always be "us" - i don't mind being alone - I DO mind not being with my hunny - we prided ourselves on being a "Team", we worked hard on that.

DAMMIT! I did NOT give my permission for all this crap to happen! (stamp foot, hold breath, turn BLUE - look around - nope! didn't change a darned thing)

and crying makes my head hurt so i hafta go find the aspirin -
I'm gonna be one strong b!tch when this is done!
(i hate that all the little cliches/sayings keep running thru my head when i am TRYING to be sad and feel sorry for myself!)

thank you for 'listening' to me whine + cry - it feels SO good to have people who "know" -

(sniffle - i need a kleenex along with my aspirin)


:hugs:
Blue

JT

Blue Moon,

One day at a time...that is how we all live our lives whether we want to or not!

One Day At A Time!!

You are not lame to be feeling what you are feeling but tomorrow is a new day...another One Day.

Hugs,
JT

smoke gets in my eyes

((( BlueMoon! )))

bookworm

(((((((((Bluemoon)))))))))))))
don't know what else to say.
Sandra

myles1

Hang in there ((((((((((Bluemoon)))))))).

Your post made me cry!

Ngaire

Gabe

Hey Blue,
Hugs, big hugs from me to you.
You will get through this, I promise. I know it doesn't feel that way now.
Meantime, please come here and talk to us whenever you need to.
Sending some light your way,
Gabe

dax

How stressful for you! hugs dax

Ann

Bluemoon

I have no words, only hugs and hope that crying now will help relieve some of the pain. Going through the motions when we really would rather hide under the covers is painful. Just take it one day at a time and know that we love you and care.

Hugs
Ann

sdp

That is lousy, and I feel bad for you, but unlike Myles, your post made me laugh...

Keep the sense of humor coming!!!! It will help you through...

BlueMoon

i fail to find the humor in me trying to express the pain/sorrow i'm feeling -
i fail to see the humor in me crying -

TheresaTerry

Hang in there. If your feelings are anything like mine they will change like the wind. It can be hard to think of the many positives in life when faced with a big let down. When I'm feeling a big disapointment or letdown I try (and feel so good when I succeed) to focus on (1) doing what I know I need to do with a smile and (2) focus on the many things to be thankful for (that helps me keep a smile).

Take Care,
Sending Hugs,
Terry

Claudia

Blue that really sucks!!! How dare he get sober and poof on you! I don't know which is worse. Living daily with an A because atleast you learn how to deal with them. OR Be with an A that gets sober and then goes back to drinking. Both ways stink. It's not fair but we love whom love. My heart goes out to you! Keep us informed of your situation.

Claudia

mildon

Blue you have every right to go through all the emotions from laughter with your son to crying with yourself. That is all normal......don't let anyone take that away from you. I can relate to feeling insane, there is no right way to hear what you hear in your head. Your mind takes you all over the place, from all the wisdom you have learned to feling the fear of losing someone whom you love.
Do not punish yourself for your feelings or tears. I do believe in one day at a time but darn that one day can feel like it lasts a life time. If you can remember we are here with you. You are not alone. ((((( just for you)))))

best

Wait a year and you may see it. (even though it isn't funny)

For some.. to laugh so they don't cry or punch there monitor screen works.

The knight in shining armor, the codie in me, the male ego that wants to fix things. My tears won't fix things. Running to give a hug and just let you cry won't fix things (may feel good for the moment though)...
The best that can be offered and is being offered from this post...
My prayers for His strength, peace, and comfort to get you through this moment in time.
ok and a *HUG* as well and know we are always here with a listening ear.

ChillGal

Blue Moon
I feel for you. I know it is so hard to function "normal" when inside you are so sad. We are all so good at acting, but some times that is just what we need. Spending time with others your son etc. may keep your mind busy and add more laughter to your life. lol. Don't know what else to say. Just hang in there and remember we are all thinking about you.

BlueMoon

sdp - i'm sorry! I was feeling a bit TOO fragile. I DO have a warped sense of humor, I just didn't realize how much it "shows thru" even when i don't mean it to.

best - " Wait a year and you may see it."
ok, now THAT is funny! Tho i doubt it'll take that long -
and if you'd really like to, you can come to Iowa and hunt the rat-bastard down for me --- ooops - a touch codie there - The codie in *me* would like very much for the codie in you to come *S*A*V*E* me!
What i am realizing is that me having a place to come + spew to, really IS saving me. (see? you did your 'job'!)

ok, but i really resent being called "normal"! [maniacal laughter]

Ok, trying to be serious - thank you all for being here, for 'talking' to me, for letting me be weird -

NOT "getting thru this" is not an option. In the past, i tried just hiding in my blankies, waiting for all the bad to go away - didn't work. I've learned the hard way (over + over + over again) that I have to walk *thru* the storm, I can't go under, can't go over, can't go around. It's a very patient storm, it'll wait there for me until I'm ready. As apprehensive this situation has me, I also know that 99% of the time walking thru it is waaaaay easier (less painful) than trying to avoid it. (damn i hate being so smart!!! LOL)
(i can't help it! it's all the voices in my head.)
(No i'm not kidding.)
(Yes my Psych. knows about them.)

Have recently been reminded that just because I *Accept* something, does NOT mean that i *Like* it.
and THAT is a relief cuz it means i can work my program AND *stamp my feet*!!!

ok - [heavy sigh] - time to return to packing boxes - gawd i HATE moving!!!!!!!

Blue

sdp

No problem hon..Been there, done that. It stinks,..

I could just visualize the " Stamp foot, hold breath, look around, nothing changed"..

It tickled me... My sense of humor is also a bit warped.

Thank you, and keep on keepin' on!!!!

jessieandme2003

Oh, honey, I am crying my eyes out for you right now. I KNOW how much it hurts. And you are right, there is nothing to do but go through it.

Give yourself the gift of time.

Someone told me that phrase when I was where you are, and it stuck in my head. You do NOT have to learn to handle it right away. You do not have to get over it right away. You can cry as much or as little as you need to right now. You do not have to work all these handy steps of recovery right away either.

When I was just being a Zombie (thats what I called it back then) and not yet handling things well, I just said I was giving myself the gift of time. I would get better, soon, but not right now.

It's ok to just find yourself going through the motions of life, but yet still in the back of your mind waiting for your 'real life' to come back. It is like our own form of denial. You'll get through it, but how long is a personal thing.

Keep talking to us. I, for one, enjoy your company.

jopikami

I am feeling some of your pain tonight. My ex boyfriend, the alcoholic. Drank, and drank last year. I stayed by him, did what I could supported him. Was with him thru the death of his father. He came to live with me after a binge with alot of devastating behavior. I couldn't deal with those things.
5 weeks later he is gone. Now, he is sober and says he doesn't feel love for me anymore.

I am hurting. I swing back and forth between good he is gone. ANd alittle bit of the old ache for him is returning. And the questions, I ask myself why?? What happened???

I empathize with your pain.

jopikami

I just read another one of your posts. Funny, my ex is in Iowa, too.