lala1027

So today I broke down and lost it on my alcoholic ex. We were together 1.5 years and I've been moved out for 2 months now. I left when i caught him doing coke. I don't think I've ever said so many mean things in my life. I feel horrible for saying such words. He tried to get me back, (see thread "he's back ... Help". He got caught and I discovered he had a new gf already ... Then claimed he just wanted to be friends with me in an email the girl was copied on. What a lair!!!!! To add insult to injury, we met her a few times at a few parties. She's a partier and is all about that life. "He claims he gave me up because she's nice to him and I no longer am". this means I hold him accountable for his actions and I dont believe his lies. She doesn't know him to do that. He's not stopped drinking or got help (that was all a lie). He's depending on her for food, money, paying for bars etc. It hurts me but I lost all control and composure. I went from this little sad puppy believing his games to everything "clicking " and realizing I don't love this man at all!!! It literally was like a light bulb turned on and I realized I don't love him. I can't remember the last time I did. All it took was hearing his voice and I went nuts.


My bathtub is FULL ... I couldnt take much more from him and after this today .... I lost it on him. He's lied, cheated, mentally and emotionally abusive. We were together for a year and a half. The past 9 months were hell on earth for me. I've cried every day for 9 months. I've been so sad, I've begged him, tried to get him help ... You name it I did it. I was like his slave. He has ADHD, anxiety, depression alcoholism and has all the signs of a sociopath according to my psychiatrist. He has no remorse or feeling and I did the worst thing .... I went off on him. I know the worst thing you can do for a sociopath who blames me.

I told him i hated him, that I didn't love him anymore, I wanted him gone and he's a worthless excuse for a person. Anything you can think of I said. Seriously, I called him every name in the book sent him 100 texts. I'm so ashamed but I don't know where it came from. It's like I "popped". I'm kind of sad and I'm hurt but surprisingly I do not want to ever apologize for him. I don't wish him well, I don't wish him harm either I just want him gone

My questions are is this normal? How do i deal with this anger and hurt feelings I have from him? I'm not mean or angry to anyone else. I guess these are the right feelings I should have been feeling towards him. I shouldn't have loved an abuser who threw me and my dog to the floor numerous times. I should hate a man who's caused me so much pain and lies and cheats.

Has anyone else ever done this? I think he got the picture to finally leave me alone. I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. My voice is never heard!

Is this a healthy step. I'm still enraged thinking about him, I'll tell you anger feels a lot better than crying and depression.

theuncertainty

One of my sister's favorite sayings is that anger isn't a bad emotion; it can be the thing that motivates you to stand up and start making changes.

I think it's perfectly normal to be angry after trying for so long to support and offer help only to have him continue to lie and cheat and to belittle the support you had given. OK, you went off on him and aren't sure it was the best thing to do; you can do better the next time you get angry... But being angry isn't a bad thing.

I understand the 'shouldn't have' thinking: I shouldn't have stayed so long... I shouldn't have gone back.... I shouldn't have believed him... But the thing is, abusive relationships don't start out on that foot. Abusive partners can be very good at wooing and at the push-you-pull-me game. They're able to find the hooks needed to keep you off balance, to make you think 'he really does love me, he just... (had a bad day, had too much to drink, insert excuse here), he didn't really mean to...', to make a person feel like they're needed. So the shouldn't have (or should-have) thinking is really just a hindsight is 20-20 thing.

When the fog lifts, and we see just what we'd put up with, and that it's not 'normal' and not acceptable, it's hard to un-see it.

Anger is neither good or bad. It's what you do with it that's important. You can let it help spur you towards growth and it can help you start healing.

NWGRITS

I'd be pretty pissed off if I were you. Feel it, acknowledge it, use it to move forward, but do not let it consume you. Anger is healthy unless we can't let go of it.

Hammer

And so it is all done and over?

Then who cares?

YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Let it be known that I absolutely agree with Hammer on this!!!!!!

It is over. It was part of your learning curve. Don't beat yourself up over it. That is an order!!

Yes, I've had those kinds of outward explosions--back when I didn't understand what was going on--I didn't understand the dynamics. That was in the past--I don't do that, anymore.

dandylion

BlueSkies1

My questions are is this normal? How do i deal with this anger and hurt feelings I have from him?

He's shown you who he is. You let it all out, good for you. I know it's difficult right now, but be glad...very glad...next time a pos approaches you for a relationship, you'll be better at reading the red flags, and you'll run away before he can suck you in.
There is no justice here, as in him making up for what he's done. Don't expect it, don't even want it. That I think is what you are struggling with...the resentment and wanting him to right what he has wronged. Let it go...
The only justice is how you make choices for your future and living a better life.
Today's a new day, isn't it? Start now creating the life you want to have!

NYCDoglvr

I don't understand -- if he's your "ex", why are you still in contact with him? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. At some point we must face the fact that we're responsible for much of our own memory because instead of healthy people, we pick alcoholics loaded with problems. Stay with him or leave, it's your choice.

firebolt

I'd say after all you went through with him, its perfectly normal. Regarding your health, I agree with everyone else - hopefully this gave you absolute closure, and simply move on from it all. There's no reason to ever visit that chapter again - you don't owe him anything, and you owe yourself a bright future without him anywhere near it. CONGRATS!!!

marie1960

So................ you gave it to him both barrels, sometimes this needs to happen for you to go forward, and sometimes we have to cry a million tears to go forward.

So my question to you, are you NOW ready to go forward?

Are you possibly willing to end all contact with him?

If you choose to continue with the 'famous final scene" you will continue to pour salt on a very raw and open wound.

How bout we talk about you for awhile?

How are you doing?

What are you doing to help yourself out of this ugly, painful mess.

In the big picture of life, a 1.5 year relationship is a drop in the bucket. But look at what you have learned? You now know EXACTLY what you will NEVER accept in a partner. RIGHT?

lala1027

Thanks for asking me these things ... I don't think anyone has ever asked me about ME in months.
I am ready to move forward ... this morning i booked a flight to get out of town for the weekend. Just to get away from here. I plan to not have my phone available for the trip. I have another trip planned for the following week. Then the week after is my birthday! I am pretty excited, kind of hard to be mad or sad on your birthday.

As of today and my plan is to never speak to him until hes at least a year sober or in serious treatment. Hes called me 24 times so far today and sent me tons of messages. He even had his boss call me. ... I DID NOT ANSWER OR RESPOND and I do not plan to EVER. Saying he loves me and he wants me and he will get help.

I overall I was forced out my home with him, that i worked my butt off to pay for him and myself, I got a new place. I lost all sorts of people I thought were my friends, because they knew about a lot of things and could have told me. They chose not to. I guess those people arent really my friends. I also was laid off due to a merger of our companies 2 weeks after I moved out, so I also lost my job.

Its been horrible and like a nightmare for me. Ive sat around and cried for basically over 2 months. I try and stay busy, I am looking for a new job. I went to my parents a lot and call the few friends I have left from out of town to vent and discuss.

Im coming to terms with things, I tell you what ... im so angry and done at this point Its very powerful to feel this vs depression and anger.

I am seeing a psychiatrist who has helped me even during this relationship. I am going to an al anon meeting tomorrow (I guess its open to beginners). Ive ready 4 books that my psychiatrist suggested and I read these threads for hours a day. I am making progress although until the anger hit ... it didn't seem like much. I am also taking tennis lessons now, pilates, traveling and looking to adopt a 2nd dog. which ive always wanted to do and couldn't!

My aunt tells me every day ... sort of what you said. This is only a small snapshot and portion of my life. I have my whole future ahead of me. Most lives are long and with time these memories will fade for me. I am 30 years old. Masters degree. Successful in my career so far, I don't struggle for money from my family background. I have a great family, I am healthy and didn't catch a disease from his cheating ... or hurt from his abuse. He was 6'7" 240lbs athlete and i am 5'4" 100 lbs .... he could have really hurt me. I have a few scars but thats all. I really am lucky to have came out the way I did considering how bad it got. He could have stolen my savings ... who knows. I think about that every day how somehow GOD saved me from things that could have ruined my life or career. My Aunt also says God saved me by putting these women and party people there to take him and keep him away from me. I think shes right. Theres really no other explanation for it, I wasnt strong enough to stay away, or leave and I was forced to.

Eventually i can find someone nice who respects me to have a family with. My life isnt over but it still really hurts me and bothers me. I think because of the major life change that also came with it, its made it much more difficult. Hopefully things will get better for me.

Hammer

Generally so.

What often happens when the chairperson figures out you a newbie -- *we*

(great big happy Hammer smiles on THAT *we* btw. Usually I hate to be a we in this mess. So glad to be on the Alanon helping side of this whole mess for everyone)

anyway . . . we . . . turn a portion of the meeting instantly into a Newcomer meeting, and cover the 3 C's, the first three steps, what Anon is all about, and listen to you and what you need. I LOVE those meetings.

So hope to see you there.

You can be sure we will be waiting for you.

If they do not cover all that, there, just say so when you get back here and we will do it all over again.

honeypig

lala, you are doing great! You've got the focus back on YOU, where it belongs. As you pointed out, you have so much going for you--a good education, successful career, no financial worries--a good setup for starting fresh, for sure.

And since you spoke of adopting a SECOND dog, I would assume that means you already have ONE dog...so you are blessed in a canine sense also! (I love dogs, as you may guess.)

I'm glad that you're able to spend time here reading. There are decades, likely HUNDREDS, of years of experience here, and I'm so glad you were able to take it to heart so quickly. I don't know if you have been reading a lot here b/c your eyes were ready to be opened or if it was the reading that caused the opening, but either way, you surely are a little birdy that was ready to fly once she saw which way the sky was!

I hope you feel the same relief and acceptance when you go to Alanon that so many others here have felt. Please do post and tell us how it went, OK?