Why Can't I Start Letting It Go???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12
Why Can't I Start Letting It Go???
Hi, I haven't posted here in ages, so feel like I'm new. I just need a little bit of support and I have read a lot of other posts and realize I'm not alone. I'm almost 50 and just over a week ago, I ended a six month long relationship with a guy I genuinely thought was "the one". He was so loving, caring, kind and generous, but, he was a binge drinker. From what I have heard from his daughter and others, he has always been a big drinker. When I first met him, I told him I couldn't stand drunks, my previous relationship was with a guy who drank a bottle of scotch every night and I wasn't going to put myself through all that again. This guy tried to control his drinking, just having a couple of beers in the evening, but I guess when it got too much for him he would go off at least all night, sometimes 2 days and nights and stagger home so drunk he could barely walk or talk. The first one of these binges happened about a month into our relationship. He promised he wouldn't do it again and I stupidly believed him and gave him another chance. I ended up giving him 4 more chances until the crunch came just over a week ago. I talked to him on the phone at around 2.30pm, things were fine, he said he loved me and he would be home around 5pm. Well 5 came and went, as did 6pm, he wasn't answering his phone, nor did he try and contact me. I was frantic, thinking he had had an accident or something. Finally at around midnight he stumbled in, drunk and aggressive. Trying not to start a fight with him, all I said was"where have you been, I've been do worried". This for some reason was enough to set him off, yelling and screaming in my face. As he was in my face yelling, he was spitting on me. I asked him quietly not to spit on me. He then took a step back and deliberately spat in my face!! I slapped his face (something I'm not proud of) and pushed him out, saying I never wanted to see him again. He came back the following day, still drunk to pick up clothes etc. things got ugly again and I ended up throwing his clothes in the dirt(something I'm not proud of) there was no contact for several days, till this past weekend when he started texting things like "if u want money for the bills I have to get my stuff back in good order". He even threatened to withhold a pay cheque that he owed my 17 year old son if he didn't get his things back. It's just been nasty since then, nasty text messages from both of us, I hate the person he turns me into. I'm having such a hard time with this. I know I have done the right thing because it would just get worse , he wouldn't be able to put on the good front for very much longer, but, god it hurts
Like hell. To make it worse, we were set to move into another house this past weekend, a home gor both of us, but of course I didn't go through with that, i had the embarrassing task if ringing realvestates etc while he was in drunken oblivion and luckily I get to stay in my own rented house, it's been so hard, unpacking boxes that had been packed ready to move. I'm sort of proud of myself for cutting it off before it got too bad, as previously I have hung on and hung on with these types for nothing. I guess it's worse also because he was everything I have ever wanted in a partner, apart from the alcohol abuse. How long will this hurt go on??!!
Like hell. To make it worse, we were set to move into another house this past weekend, a home gor both of us, but of course I didn't go through with that, i had the embarrassing task if ringing realvestates etc while he was in drunken oblivion and luckily I get to stay in my own rented house, it's been so hard, unpacking boxes that had been packed ready to move. I'm sort of proud of myself for cutting it off before it got too bad, as previously I have hung on and hung on with these types for nothing. I guess it's worse also because he was everything I have ever wanted in a partner, apart from the alcohol abuse. How long will this hurt go on??!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome back! But at the same time, so sorry for the situation that brings you back.
However, I think you handled it well. And good for you for ending it right then and there. Stick with that - don't buy into anything he says at this point, no matter how nice he may try to be.
Having a couple beers a night is fine. Binge drinking is a sign of someone out of control. You know this, you made the right call, and now its going to hurt for a while as you deal with your emotions over it.
One thing I'd suggest is spending a little time figuring out why your "picker" is broken; why you choose alcoholics. Something draws you to this kind of guy. Find out what it is and do something different next time around. Therapy helped me a lot. Working the steps in Al-Anon was also a huge help (and much cheaper than therapy!)
Break ups hurt, even when we know we have done the right thing. But it does ease over time.
Peace,
~T
However, I think you handled it well. And good for you for ending it right then and there. Stick with that - don't buy into anything he says at this point, no matter how nice he may try to be.
Having a couple beers a night is fine. Binge drinking is a sign of someone out of control. You know this, you made the right call, and now its going to hurt for a while as you deal with your emotions over it.
One thing I'd suggest is spending a little time figuring out why your "picker" is broken; why you choose alcoholics. Something draws you to this kind of guy. Find out what it is and do something different next time around. Therapy helped me a lot. Working the steps in Al-Anon was also a huge help (and much cheaper than therapy!)
Break ups hurt, even when we know we have done the right thing. But it does ease over time.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Do you have a business professional side?
It's time to take on that persona when dealing with him to give him the rest of his things. Think of it like closing a deal in business.
It's past time to take any emotions out of this picture. This is in order to not behave badly anymore yourself.
It's also the hardest to do it, I know. Your emotions are peaked and you want to express them. Go ahead, express them, to his picture, not to his face.
When dealing face to face to close this deal, finish it completely, or on the phone, whatever contact is necessary for him to get the rest of his things, go pro.
I understand why you reacted badly too. I understand your emotions are at an all time high right now.
But this is when you separate your personal anguish from closing this deal once and for all.
Now I want to tell you that I am so glad that you decided "never again" after the previous relationship, and are ending this one.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
Breathe. Deeply. Relax. Try to find your center.
When dealing with insanity, it is best to look at that person as "sick" and not get drawn down to their level.
You can do this for the remainder of necessary contact.
Then cut contact. Any further contact beyond tying up these personal belongings issues, will only cause you pain, self-doubt, and back on the merry-go-round to hell.
Strength. It's in you. You did it before when you ended the last relationship like this. You can do it again.
It's time to take on that persona when dealing with him to give him the rest of his things. Think of it like closing a deal in business.
It's past time to take any emotions out of this picture. This is in order to not behave badly anymore yourself.
It's also the hardest to do it, I know. Your emotions are peaked and you want to express them. Go ahead, express them, to his picture, not to his face.
When dealing face to face to close this deal, finish it completely, or on the phone, whatever contact is necessary for him to get the rest of his things, go pro.
I understand why you reacted badly too. I understand your emotions are at an all time high right now.
But this is when you separate your personal anguish from closing this deal once and for all.
Now I want to tell you that I am so glad that you decided "never again" after the previous relationship, and are ending this one.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
Breathe. Deeply. Relax. Try to find your center.
When dealing with insanity, it is best to look at that person as "sick" and not get drawn down to their level.
You can do this for the remainder of necessary contact.
Then cut contact. Any further contact beyond tying up these personal belongings issues, will only cause you pain, self-doubt, and back on the merry-go-round to hell.
Strength. It's in you. You did it before when you ended the last relationship like this. You can do it again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: St. Charles Mo
Posts: 3
It was a great thing that you decide to end it. Asking when the hurt will go away can only be answered by you though. I have been divorced for two years now from an addict and there is still hurt and I don't think it will ever go away completely. Time is the only answer to that eventually the hurt will lessen through time but that is all up to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12
I do wonder why I keep getting involved with these kind of people. I meet them under all different circumstances but they turn out the same!! I do know that I fall for them too quickly, instead of keeping my feelings at bay till I get to know them. Thanks for the great responses, it helps heaps and this morning was the first morning I haven't woke up and cried, getting there hopefully. His texts
yesterday showed me how nasty he can be and he ended up telling me that he doesn't want anything to do with "my ****", short memory!!! It's the loneliness that's killing me. My children are all grown doing there own thing and I only have a couple of close friends who are busy in their own life and living in a small town, there's not a lot of things to do.
yesterday showed me how nasty he can be and he ended up telling me that he doesn't want anything to do with "my ****", short memory!!! It's the loneliness that's killing me. My children are all grown doing there own thing and I only have a couple of close friends who are busy in their own life and living in a small town, there's not a lot of things to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In Alanon and/or therapy it may help to explore why you chose a drunk again, after the first drunk. What I've learned is I choose the men and stayed with them so I am responsible too for the misery in this relationship. I learned that I had to pay attention to red flags and walk away when there was the slightest hint the man had more than one or two drinks. I had to start picking healthier men...........
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