Is it time to run?
 

Hey everyone. I've been reading through multiple threads and I think I know what I have to do. My best friend who, like me is a 32 year old man, has got a serious alcohol and cocaine addiction. He has tried several times to go to AA and get himself sorted, but after 1 month, regularly as clockwork, he relapses. Lately however it's around a week or so before he picks up again.

Last week, he was sober and working hard (he's self employed) every day and seemed to be a lot more positive. After finishing a job, he had been paid in cash and the banks had shut but he needed the money in his account to cover bills that were due to be taken so I lent him the £120 he needed to pay for them. I thought he was good for the money as he had been paid and we'd done this before without any problems. I electronically transferred the money expressly stating that I had to have the money returned by Monday to pay for my own bills. He said he had the cash and it'd be there when I needed it. I asked him to hold onto it until Sunday night as I wasn't sure I could get there before.

On Saturday, I called him to ask if I could collect the money a bit earlier, and he said yes, so I turned up at his to find 20 empty beer cans and 5 empty wraps of coke on his table. He then said he only had £80 left to his name. I asked what happened to the rest and he got angry and defensive and said I had changed the rules and he deserved to treat himself as he'd worked hard all week. I couldn't be doing with an argument, so I just took the £80 and he promised that I would get the rest on Monday when he had been paid for another job he was doing. I obviously didn't believe him, but just said okay and left.

All that evening I started getting texts from him saying how I was selfish and out of order for taking his last £80 meaning he didn't have money for fuel or materials. They became progressively more abusive and insulting and I just ignored them which angered him even more! I eventually called him and explained that I thought he had the money just sitting there, and so I had every right to ask for it back. He wasn't happy but begrudgingly conceded.

On Monday, I called him to ask when I'd be able to collect the other £40, and he was slurring and talking at 1000 miles an hour and said he decided not to go into work but to come round anyway. I turned up at his and he was quite clearly off his neck, but I just asked if he had the £40. He got really angry and started saying that all I was interested in was money and that he didn't have any. I said that it was okay that he had enough for beer and coke, but he knew I desperately needed the money and then got up and left saying the whole situation was a joke.

I walked to my car and he came storming out of his house, his face contorted with rage, and ran up to me shouting "if you f**king come round here again I'll break your f**king jaw you c*nt." I was shocked and scared and just held my hands up and backed off coz he was ready to go. After a few yards, he turned around still shouting and went back inside. To say I was shaken would be an understatement! he then started texting me having another go and saying that he'd borrowed the money from his dad, so I should be happy now. I ignored him. Then another came through the same but ending with "I'm sorry I shouted at you" I ignored it. Now I've heard nothing since 11.00 last night.

Should I just leave things as they are, with him full of anger and resentment and guilt and shame, or should I try to broker a peace and explain that I can't be around him any more . Either way, it's going to be hard but I am sick of the lies, anger and now outwardly physical intimidation. Next time he might not be able to stop himself before he attacks.

Sorry this was so long, but I really needed to get it out as my heart is totally broken, and my head is all over the place.

I'm sorry for what must have been a couple of scary interactions for you.

I guess only you know if you need to pursue the money, but if it was me, I think I'd cut my losses and cool down the friendship with him. Otherwise you will become more and more ensnared in the net.

The anger is not at you, deep down it's the rage at the beasts controlling his life.

Wow, that's brutal. I can imagine how upset you must feel. I would, for the time being, not have any communication with him at all. You deserve some peace. Let him deal with his own demons. If you feel like contacting him later in the week, go ahead, but IMO, it's probably better for everything to settle down for a while.
I'm sorry.

[


He,ll be full of all those feelings no matter what you do.

You are the punching bag.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

RUN,don,t walk.






B][/B]

In my personal experience, you could be nice and try to end it peacefully but don't count on him accepting your way. He may be nice, apologetic and even make a good attempt at returning his behavior to the man you once knew - but is unlikely to last. Each bout of anger will likely get worse. My suggestion is to follow your gut instincts, because you are right, he may not be able to stop himself and it takes just a few seconds for things to escalate to another level.

Block him from contacting you and walk away.

Why would you risk being in the prescence of this monster

What he feels and thinks is of no concern to you.

Your safety is what is important. This will end badly if you continue to pursue a very dangerous addict especially for money.

Read the first sentence above again. Then read the second. Does this sound like good sense to you? I hope not - any many who screams at me that way and says those words to me is a man who is out of my life instantly. For your own self-esteem and safety, I hope you do the same.

Secondly, his anger, resentment, guilt, and shame are not your problem nor your doing. You don't owe him that. Let him fix his own life. He's an addict - he is simply doing what addicts do.

There are plenty of men in this world you can be friends with who won't ask you to lend them money (red flag), drink and use drugs excessively (red flag) and threaten you with bodily harm (HUGE red flag) while shouting obscenities at you (another HUGE red flag).

I'd say that friendship is over.

When he sobers up and feels horrible about what he has done and holds his hand out with the money he owes you, take it.

If that day never comes, write off the loss with the promise to yourself that you will never have any monetary dealings with him ever again.
I would never have any dealings with him again, monetary or otherwise.
He's a loose cannon looking for anyone to blame for his horrible behavior other than himself.

With friends like that,who needs enemies?

Stay far away from that sorry SOB. He's on a fast track to ruin and seems like he wants to take you along for the ride.

Thank you for all your responses. They're all different but with one recurring theme - stay away! I'm going to take that advice and work through the issues with my real friends. None of them know what's been going on but they've seen the results of it in me and even pulled an intervention on me because they were so worried! At the time, I just found myself spouting a load of nonsense just to get them off my back. I think it's time that I tell them the truth of what's been going on as I am going to need them now more than ever. It seems so obvious now and finally my heart has stopped racing. Thank you all for giving your time to help me gain some clarity.

I had to disengage from my brother because of this type of behavior. I helped him out several times, and every time he got drunk he was beyond vile to me. I was told that it was the addiction talking, and not really my brother. Either way, the abuse was too much. We have to learn to set boundaries for how we want to be treated. Family or friend, it's not acceptable to be verbally or physically abusive.

Don't rescue him anymore. No more loans, etc. Truthfully, I would go No Contact at this point. Block his text/phone/email, etc. Unfriend on FB. Whatever it takes to stop the noise and chaos. He will sober up for a period, and likely try to pull you back. Don't let it happen. He was very clear in his abusive rant that he doesn't want you around.

Surround yourself with friends who bring something positive into your life. Friends you lift you up, not drag you down. Leave this particular friend to his Higher Power, and realize it's time to move forward in your life.

All the best...

Sounds like a great plan.
Seems like human nature sometimes to carry a burden around that really should be shared with others.

Well obviously they know what is going on. They wouldn,t have done an intervention otherwise.

Run!!!!

Still haven't had any contact with him and it's really, really hard when you're used to speaking to someone 5 or 6 times a day. He blocked me on FB which has done me a favour. That just proved to me that he stills thinks he's in the right! He's got an important court case tomorrow that I had been helping him prepare for, and I desperately want to wish him luck, but vi think that'll just gloss over what he did. Not sure what to do really. Don't want to be so heartless. Not that him being heartless ever worried him! Thanks again for all your support people :-)

You are not being heartless. You are being SMART.

You are protecting yourself. This guy threatened you. You have every right to protect yourself by whatever means you deem necessary.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them!!!

Don't call...I can see you want to...this guy is treating you like scum under his shoe...
wipe him off instead, he uses you.

OP - yes, run.