butterfly2013

Hello SR friends,

It has been a while since I've posted. Browsing the forums is helping my weary heart feel lighter already

I have posted here about my XABF and the custody dispute with our 3 year old over the past several months. I'm posting again because our next custody hearing is next month already! (How does time fly by so fast?)

At our first hearing several months ago, the judge awarded me with full custody while by XABF got supervised visitation from 10AM-4PM Sat&Sun, every other weekend. However, the bad news is that his new wife was made the supervisor (she was "the other woman" when I was still with my ex so that was especially hard for me to deal with). During the exchange at one of the very first visitations, she informed me that she "used to drink too much" but that my XABF helped her reduce her drinking (errr---I'm still scratching my head about how an alcoholic can help one stop/reduce drinking?). She (unconvincingly) tried to assure me that she was looking out for my son's best interests during visitation. She kept repeating that "you have to have hope" about XABF's alcoholism---except he has never made an effort to stop drinking for over ten years now and she is very well aware of that.

Over the past few months, my XABF told me he has been going to AA. Yet since the hearing, he has posted numerous Facebook pictures of him drinking alcohol, and some pics include him and his wife drinking alcohol together. The court order mandates that he should not drink alcohol 12 hours before visitation, yet low and behold, he posted that he was out getting drunk with his wife the evening before one of his visitation days. Although he did not technically violate the order (he posted 14 hours before the visitation), his behavior over the past few months demonstrates that he has not been taking his alcoholism seriously. Even though he technically didn't violate the court order based on the time of his posting, I believe his wife should have informed me about this incident if she were *truly* looking out for my son's best interests. But nope, she did not make a peep about it when they arrived for visitation the next morning. (I only know about the FB posts because my ex's FB is viewable to public and he doesn't know I can see his posts.)

Another worrisome event happened. My ex had visitation this past weekend and when I woke up on Sunday morning, my stomach in knots and I had an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness. As I was getting ready in the bathroom, I even asked myself out loud, "What is making you so nervous?". My ex arrived for visitation, I saw him put our son in the car, and off they went. When they returned, my ex opened the backdoor and I was observing my ex remove our son from the carseat when I immediately saw an oversized, stainless steel coffee mug right next to the carseat. My stomach just DROPPED. This was the *same* coffee mug I know that he would use to conceal alcohol in order to drink in public. I did not see the coffee mug when he picked up my son that morning, but there it was, clear as day, right next to the carseat! My ex saw me looking at it and he immediately tried to hide it. I asked him what was in the cup. He handed me our son's sippy cup. I clarified I was talking about the coffee mug. He grabbed it, shook it back and forth, and quickly threw it out of reach and said it was empty. He appeared nervous and he changed the subject. Once he left, he texted that he uses the coffee mug for Gatorade.

My intuition was telling me that something was wrong, very wrong, that morning. Although my ex didn't overtly smell like alcohol when he dropped our son off, I think he was using the coffee mug to drink in public during visitation---especially since the mug was not there when he picked him up AND he said he took him to the park so maybe he decided to drink while he was out with him

Unlike my first time around in court, this time I have much less anxiety. Through mediation, reading Al Anon lit, prayer, and finding my own HP, I trust that everything is as it should be and I do believe the judge will rule in my child's best interests. That said...I'm still worried. And my appetite has completely disappeared since Sunday morning. Thoughts, advice, hugs?

I hope everyone has a good night.

peaceofpi

First, take care of yourself: Sometimes it's hard to eat when you're this stressed. Be sure that what you eat is extra nutritious. I make spinach/banana/berry smoothies, and make sure I drink them all, when my actively alcoholic ex has our young child for visitation. That way I know I've had something good for me, even if I have a hard time eating. I also try to exercise to feel better and to keep the worries off my mind.

Next, about worry: All of our worry and anxieties don't protect our kids but can make us sick. And if we're sick or anxious, our kids feel it. For me, it helps to give over my worries to God in prayer and know what I can't change (ex-spouse's alcoholism, enabler supervisors, terrible and negligent parenting style, NPD/hatefulness, lying, etc.).

Then focus on what you can affect. Document everything, every day. If you can have a friend with you at exchanges, you might get a witness who can see/smell/hear and tell a judge about a violation. If you do observe him drunk, call the police as he drives off and give them his car make, model, and license plate.

Good luck and hugs!

butterfly2013

Thank you, peaceofpi Food has been absolutely tasteless to me, thanks for the smoothie tip. Yes, self care is absolutely the most important thing, especially because I agree, children pick up on *everything.*

Although I found SR and found recovery materials and started counseling a few months ago, I think getting back to basics is a good idea, maybe even saying the serenity prayer and making/updating my goals and living/planning the life I want for my son and I. And leaving what I can't change to my HP.

Thanks again, you put it so well and so succinctly! Hugs

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Butterfly. It's not easy and you're doing very well.
Wishing you continued strength and peace.
(((((hugs)))))