peacesoul

1st thread I'm starting, hello all
I'm in the process of a divorce from my AH, who while has made attempts at stopping drinking, goes back. Latest was about 2-3 weeks sober, and there were glimpses of some normalcy. Working on reminding myself no cause, my guess is he quit for me (not for himself), and after a few weeks realized that I wasn't going to forgive all so quickly, and said screw it might as well drink.

The divorce process includes child custody (we have one 3year old), alimony (me to him as a possibility), and split of assets, mostly retirement.
While I have many backsteps, I am getting close to accepting that he is not capable of feeling guilt. In my head, I would think a guilty party spouse would basically let the other spouse have the advantage in divorce. But that is how I think I would feel if I had done so many wrongs. And like I said, I guess he is not capable of that. And nevermind apologies. Ugh, guess just need to work through
[in counseling but don't attend Al anon]
I'm going to start a second thread about court stuff

wysiwyg

I'm in a similar place, beginning stages of a divorce and all. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's truly awful sometimes. I have no wise words, as I'm having a helluva time accepting his total inability to empathize. Wishing you and your kid the best.

choublak

No. It's usually quite the opposite. Especially if the guilty party spouse didn't file for divorce.

peacesoul

This is of course true. He says/thinks that since I want the divorce, I need to pay / get screwed etc. I have read on here about the soft spot, and he's probably sometimes allowing himself to feel that his long-time soft spot for landing is going to be gone.

LifeRecovery

I just want to say that this was so hard for me not to take personally at the time.

Now I realize it is part of the nature of the beast.

Sorry you are there.

Fathom

Oh, yes. I had to learn not to expect normal compassionate behavior from my (very recently) XAH. He's theoretically sober at the moment, and I'll admit I was expecting some kind of shift in his attitude leading up to our divorce. Maybe a small nod toward amends? Unlikely really. Didn't happen. Probably doesn't happen often during a divorce even when not dealing with an A.

I am no longer disappointed or devastated by our lack of civilty. His attitudes and behaviors are just datapoints now, facts that I observe and make mental notes on. Whatever his choices are now, they have nothing to do with me, even if he truly believes they are. I am convinced that he would be making the same choices regardless of who his wife was. They are not specific to ME, personally. So, I can't take anything he does personally.

It became easier for me to see this the more I detached from his choices and his consequences.

Wishing you peace,
Fathom

Readreadread

My divorce/custody started 1 year ago and I feel like I have gotten nowhere. It is so hard to accept that the person that I married (kind, loving, generous) turned into this angry, emotionally and financially abusive person with no empathy and wants to make my life miserable. This is all because I am no longer his enabler and he is angry. I am sorry that the disease stole your husband and the father of your child (I also have a 3 yr old). Peace to you!

choublak

Although, if they were able to empathize, a divorce probably wouldn't be necessary.

NYCDoglvr

Since I'm a recovering alcoholic (21 years) I know quite a bit about alcoholic. In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson describes alcoholics as self-centered, self-involved, and extremely immature. To an active alcoholic the ONLY thing that matters, his/her higher power, is booze. Essentially when we get sober and conscientiously work a program what we do is grow up and learn we're responsible.

So what you're experiencing is typical alcoholism without recovery.

peacesoul

Thanks, tough to read but I know you're right. I saw it in another thread how someone had accepted that her alcoholic wasn't special, it's the same situation. True typical and un-special. I keep referring to it as textbook and have said outloud how it would be funny if possible since his actions are so close to the typical description.