CarryOn

I'm with BlueSkies...I had a firm boundary of not speaking to my RAH once he hit four beers. Between one and four beers he was somewhat with it and usually in a good mood. Once he got to five and six, his general irritability with anyone not "relaxing" with him increased exponentially and he wouldn't remember the conversation anyway. I left the room and often the house when he was drinking.

BoxinRotz

I've used silence before too when I started to detach. He tried to pick a fight by calling me something nasty and I just laid on the couch. I heard him but I kept my mouth shut. He on the other hand was expecting me to get up in arms and it would be on. Nope. Just laid there. He asked me, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?! I said No. What did you say? He got up, said it again and left the room.

When someone wants to play and you don't, they are left to play with themselves and that's no fun. That's why they need us to play their game.

Dublin

My sponsor gave me a good one 'you may be right, I'm doing my best'. I still get drawn into arguments but have got better at just walking away if he shouts insults and today I got an almost instant apology after I walked away that is a huge change in our house!

Luri

In my experience none of these things work because AH isn't really listening to me during moments like these in first place hahaha. In order to defuse the situation he'd first have to be capable of actually being receptive...and if I have to defuse by using one of these stock phrases it usually means hes not hearing a word I'm saying anyway.

Basically the way I am able to shift the mood a little is with my body language. Being very gentle and slow, keeping my voice low and mellow, and absolutely resisting the urge to slam all the doors and throw crap at him(I considered this acceptable behavior for myself in the past). And when there is a break in the mood I slip out softly by saying "I'll be back in a little bit, love you!". If AH wants to hate me at that moment, he will. But I don't need to give any legitimate reasons for him to be upset by saying something mean or hurtful .

choublak

You're not "required" to reply to anything he says.

NYCDoglvr

Learn how to change the subject, move off the topic entirely. Say something like "I hear a big storm is headed our way" or ask a question, "are you cooking for (next holiday) or have you taken a vacation this year. This is a tactful way of saying I don't want to discuss this.

netta1966

I like this simple comeback: "I'm not making any lifetime decisions today." This one I used on with my mother-n-law who asked me when I was going back home to my AH. And recently on my AH when he asked me what my future plans were. It helped because the question hasn't come up again.

SoloMio

Yes, it's really hard to be consistent on the detached short answer!

Sometimes it helps to breathe--take three of four deep breaths before any response.